More Than I Wanted

by Ava Catori

  “It’s kind of late,” I got back.

  “It’s important.”

  “Give me thirty minutes,” he answered.

  I hated what I was about to do. I hated myself for the cowardly decision I was about to make, but when it came down to it, a year was a year. I couldn’t put my life on hold and hope that things worked out. We were a new couple, there were no guarantees, and I’d be sick to my stomach daily for a year. I didn’t want to live that way.

  Chapter 12

  I felt sick to my stomach; when the knock came at the door I didn’t want to answer it. I knew if I did, I was going to follow through and tell him it was over. My heart was breaking, and I knew the minute I saw his face, looked into his eyes, I’d melt.

  Only this wasn’t just about today, tonight, or tomorrow. This was about an entire freaking year, a year of torment, worrying, crying, and hoping he would be okay. I needed to break this bond before I got in any deeper. There was no turning back, I’d made my decision.

  I took a deep breath and opened the door.

  “You look somber,” he said. “Are you okay?”

  I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, trying to hold back tears. Shaking my head no, I caught my breath, desperately willing myself not to cry.

  “What’s the matter, Kate?” He came in to hold me.

  Oh his arms, his solid strong arms, don’t let go. His chest, his shoulders, firm and strong; I want him so badly, and yet it will only lead to hurt and pain down the road. Be strong, you have to do this, it’s better to let go now. It will be pure torture to miss him and worry for an entire year.

  I couldn’t find my words, and let him hold me.

  Finally, he pulled back just far enough to tip my chin up and look me in the eyes. “What is it, baby? Is it the fight from earlier today? It’s okay, I’m not angry, it’s going to happen. Arguments happen, don’t let that worry you. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I felt like a heel. I broke down. I needed to tell him, but I couldn’t. I wanted him, wanted to be with him, just one more time. It was wrong, I shouldn’t, and yet I couldn’t see right from wrong at this moment – I could only see Austin, my sweet, handsome Austin holding me close.

  “Shhh,” he said, pulling me closer again. He kissed the top of my head, “It’s okay, Kate.”

  I finally broke free, “It’s not all right.” I was sobbing, ugly crying now, “I can’t do this. I’m a coward. I can’t do this, not for an entire year.”

  It took him a moment to realize what I was saying. He walked away, paced for a moment and then sat on the sofa looking at me. His voice was soft, “What are you saying?”

  “I can’t do this. I’ll be sick to my stomach for a year straight, worrying about you, hoping you’re okay, wondering what’s going on, knowing I’m not a part of your daily life. I won’t be able to see you, hold you, make love to you,” I was rambling, talking fast. “I don’t know if I can go an entire year. That’s a long time.”

  “I see,” he stood again, and put his hands in his front pockets. He was shaking his head, trying to absorb the words.

  Nothing. He didn’t say another thing. He just stood there.

  “Say something, anything,” I pleaded.

  “What do you want me to say?” He slowly walked towards the door.

  “No, don’t go, not yet. Talk to me, get angry, please do something, say something…” but it was too late. He didn’t beg me to change my mind, he didn’t hold me, he didn’t try to make it better, he simply turned away.

  Austin pulled the door shut behind him and was gone. The room felt empty and swallowed me completely. I felt small, and my chest heaved as the sobbing started.

  I dropped to the floor, crying hysterically. I just let the best thing that has ever happened to me walk out the door. I am a complete fool. I wanted to run after him, tell him I changed my mind. Only, it wouldn’t change the fact that he was leaving for an entire year, and I’d be left with the same dilemma all over again.

  My heart broke and fell to the floor in little pieces.

  I was in shock. Did I really just do that? How? Why? This is wrong, I need to fix it. I have to call him back, text him, go to his house. I can’t let him go like this, I love him. It’s wrong…so many thoughts swirling through my mind, and yet I was frozen to the floor, crying, sobbing, unable to move or function.

  I’m an idiot, how could I do that. It was a mistake; I should have stood by him. He has to go back there, and he’s going to be alone. I should have been strong. I’m a bad person, fuck, what did I do? What the hell? It’s not fair; he can’t expect me to do this, not for an entire year. It’s too much, I can’t handle it, it’s not fair. The tears wouldn’t stop.

  I know, I’ll work with him, maybe we can write, stay in touch as friends. If we still want to stay together when he gets home, we’ll have forged a stronger bond by staying in touch. That’s it, I can still be his friend, but we’ll hold off on the relationship aspect. I’ll call him in the morning, we can work this out.

  He won’t want to work this out, what did I just do. I’ve just pushed Austin as far away as I possibly could. I’m weak, I’m a fool, and he’s gone…I can’t live without him. I need him. What did I just do? This is a mistake…it was a mistake.

  My breathing slowed as I stared at the wall. I had to do it. I’d be sick to my stomach for an entire year. I love him, I do, but I don’t know if I can live that way. I just don’t know. I don’t know how long I sat there staring ahead, but I couldn’t move.

  I couldn’t focus as much as I wanted to. My mind jumped from one thought to the next. My face was wet from tears, but the crying finally subsided. I looked at the pattern in the rug, and finally after what felt like ages, stood and made my way to the bedroom. Climbing into bed, I cried myself to sleep. What’s done is done.

  My eyes were tired, sore from crying. I woke and didn’t want to get out of bed. How could I? I’d just destroyed my life. I’m nothing without Austin. I felt so dramatic, and yet I was broken. We were new, enjoying each other, still crazy in love, and I shattered it with a sledge hammer, breaking us apart.

  I worried about him, and wondering how he was doing this morning. I wanted to call him, stop by, see him, tell him we’d be okay, but the truth is, we wouldn’t. We were no longer a couple, and it wasn’t my business to know how he was doing. We severed our bond last night, and I was no longer a part of his life. I cried again realizing what I’d done. I felt shell shocked, wondering what I was thinking. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay there all day – and that’s exactly what I did.

  I didn’t have it in me to call Heather, I knew what she’d say, and how disappointed she’d be. I refused to answer my phone when it rang later. I looked at the caller ID. It wasn’t Austin. He wasn’t calling and begging me to take him back, in fact it was way too silent. I wanted to talk to him, talk about it, needed to talk to him, but he wanted no part of talking. He made that clear when he walked out. I didn’t have the strength to discuss anything with anyone. I only wanted Austin back, and yet I was the one who pushed him away. I hated myself, hated myself so much, and yet knew deep down it had to happen.

  I could only avoid Heather so long, since I’d see her at work. I dreaded that first look between us. Usually a best friend would hug you, comfort you, tell you it would be okay, but I all ready knew where she stood. She made that clear, and she’d take his side. I felt alone, and had no one to talk to. I could always call my folks, but I hated to involve them. I had other friends, but they wouldn’t understand, couldn’t know what this was about. How could they know, understand the idea that their boyfriend would be leaving for a year…sure in theory, but how could they really know? There was emptiness inside of me.

  Walking down the corridor at work, I looked at the floor. I had to walk directly past Heather’s cubicle to get to my own. I was afraid to see her eyes, the look of disappointment. She made it clear when I called her the other day where s
he stood. I ached for understanding, but I wasn’t sure if I’d get it.

  She watched me walk by, gave a little wave, but didn’t say anything. Maybe she didn’t know. Oh my gosh, I didn’t tell her yet. Austin probably didn’t say anything, why would he? He’s probably dwelling in it by himself. No wonder…I dreaded telling her, and knowing we’d have to discuss it during lunch. Maybe I could put it off, tell her after work, or even just wait until tomorrow.

  A little later, she was standing at my cubicle, “You okay?”

  “What?” I looked up from my computer screen. I didn’t want to look her in the eye, not yet.

  “You don’t seem like yourself, you’re quieter than usual.”

  “I’m fine, just a lot on my mind. Can we maybe go out for lunch today, instead of eating here? I could really use someone to talk to.” I didn’t want to have this conversation, but I couldn’t avoid it forever. She’d hate me when it was over, and there’s not a damn thing I can do. I made my decision and now I have to live with it.

  “Yeah, sure,” she said. “Let’s go a little later, so it’s not crowded. Want to do Pablo’s, say maybe two? We can stretch our lunch break a little bit, since things are slower.”

  “Do you have something to hold you over, Momma?”

  She smiled, patting her belly, “Yeah, I have some crackers in my drawer.”

  I knew she’d hate me after lunch. It made me sad. I had to tell her though; it wasn’t fair to leave her hanging. I mourned the loss of our friendship before it happened. She’d made herself perfectly clear on the phone the other day.

  As lunch approached, I had knots in my stomach, knowing I couldn’t avoid the topic. I glanced at the clock easily a hundred times, and as the minutes ticked closer I dreaded the impending conversation. What’s done is done, and I had to face the consequences.

  “Ready?” She said, standing at my desk.

  “Yeah,” I was feeling somber. I didn’t know how I’d find the words. She’d be so disappointed in me, and would shut me out. My heart broke, knowing what was about to happen to our friendship.

  Let’s be honest, Austin was all that I wanted, even more than I needed, and suddenly we hit a little bump and I bailed. I felt like a lousy person, a terrible girlfriend, and more than anything I was miserable. I wanted him back in my life, but for what? For what? A few more months, and then I would have to spend an entire year crying… every time I convinced myself it was a mistake and I should try to mend our fences, I also convinced myself it was time to let go. It was a no win situation.

  Driving over to Pablo’s, I asked about Heather’s pregnancy wanting to avoid the other topic a little longer.

  Heather’s tone got warm and she talked faster, excitement in her voice. “We’re going for an ultrasound, sonogram, whatever you want to call it, anyway, we’re going soon, and I can’t wait! We get to hear the heartbeat now, and it’s amazing, so fast and sweet…she’s like a little bean in there. Well, we don’t actually know if it’s a boy or girl, I just say she, but you know what I mean. I wasn’t too sick, and believe you me, the way people talk I was expecting to have horrible morning sickness, but really I just had some motion sickness time to time, like in a car.” She barely took a breath, and continued.

  I loved seeing her so happy, so excited, and I realized I wouldn’t get to share in the rest of her pregnancy, the tiny details, going shopping, being there when the baby was born. My heart shattered into smaller pieces, if that was even possible.

  “I think I go in a couple of weeks, and we might be able to tell if it’s a boy or girl, but we don’t know if we are going to find out. I mean, I want to know, he doesn’t want to yet, so we’ll see. We haven’t decided yet. We are discussing names, but nothing is confirmed yet. Amber is my favorite for a girl, and of course we’d like Scott Junior for a boy, but it’s not set in stone yet.” She started to laugh, “Oh my goodness, I’m just going on and on, I’m sorry about that.”

  “Don’t apologize, it’s wonderful. I love to see you so excited, and I do want to hear every tiny detail.” I meant every word of that.

  Pulling up to Pablo’s, I parked the car and took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I have something to tell you,” I said as we walked up to the hostess station.

  She looked over, “Is it the fight you guys had? Is everything okay? Did you smooth it over, or is it still going on?” She showed obvious concern.

  After being seated and placing our orders, I finally exhaled and started the processing of letting it out tiny bits at a time. I knew everything would be different when we left here today. I hated what was about to happen, but it was time.

  “I broke up with Austin.” My voice was flat. I looked right at Heather, watching her expression.

  “Over your fight, seriously? Honey, you guys can get past this. Emily means nothing to him at this point in his life, don’t let your insecurities get the best of you.” She was trying to comfort me.

  “It wasn’t that.” I hesitated, maybe a little too long, and finally said the words. “I don’t think I can go an entire year worrying about him, not seeing him, and being sick to my stomach hoping, waiting for him to come home.”

  “Oh.” Her voice was monotone. She needed to process what I told her, and then without warning, “Just like that.” It was harsh, I felt it. Nobody else in the restaurant would have been able to read her, but she was my best friend. I knew exactly what that tone and look were – disappointment, disappointment in me – and it stung.

  “Heather, we haven’t even been together that long, and I’m not sure I’m ready to put my life on hold, and have my stomach in knots for an entire year.”

  “He has to put his life on hold for an entire year, for you and this country…”

  “Stop,” I shook my head. “He chose this life, I didn’t. I love him, and you know that. I just don’t know if I can love him being away for an entire year. It’s not like we have years invested in our relationship, it’s been months.”

  “Fair enough, it’s just that you guys are so good together, and I know how much he cares about you.” She shrugged. “Does it make me a bad person to want the two of you to stay together?”

  “I’m so afraid you’ll hate me,” I started to cry, “I don’t want to lose your friendship, but I know you don’t approve of this decision.”

  “Really, you thought you would lose my friendship over this? Oh Kate, we’re all human. We have to choose our own paths. You’re my friend, period. I liked it better when you were with Austin, but that’s not my choice to make. I don’t know if I’d make the same decision in your shoes, but this is the only life I’ve known for so long now, that it’s what’s normal to me.”

  I felt a huge relief, like weight dropping off of my shoulders. “I was afraid to tell you. I love him so much, and I broke his heart. I’m still reeling, and I don’t know what to do. It’s been horrible. I talked to him this weekend, and he said nothing – he just turned around and left. You should have seen his face. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted him to say something, anything, at least fight for our relationship, but he didn’t.”

  “He has a lot riding on this too, so maybe he was in shock. I mean, I’m sure he wasn’t expecting it. All of this just stinks, I mean…” she stopped herself from elaborating, “I’m sure he’s heartbroken, and you must be too. Have you thought about reconsidering?”

  “Every second of the day, but then it comes down to the same thing. We get back together, I’m happy, and then he leaves – for a year. Imagine Scott getting called away when you’re about to give birth, suddenly he misses out on all of the first year of your child’s life. I don’t know if I can live with that sort of stuff.”

  “Bite your tongue. We’re praying his touring days are over. They’re supposed to be doing a cut back, so a lot less guys are being called. I was honestly surprised Austin got called back. Jake is the kind of guy who volunteers and keeps going back; he may be a player with the girls, but he has his brothers’ back.”
<
br />   “He wasn’t supposed to be on the list, but someone on the roster was dropped, and he was pulled to fill in.” I hated how our lives changed based on some technical paper error. Somebody else decided for us, and that seemed unfair. He didn’t want to go back, but didn’t have a choice.

  “Yeah, they’ll send him to train for a couple of months, but most of the tours are closer to nine months now. They used to be longer, twelve and fifteen months. Then of course, there’s the reintegration, that runs about ten days when they get back home, and then usually a block of leave, somewhere around thirty days, based on how long they’ve been away. It’s not set in stone though, and any of that can change at any time. Sometimes it’s hurry up and wait, and even when you get a date it can get pushed back or moved up.”

  “Heather, I don’t know how you do it, but I don’t think I can. It pains me to say it, because the feelings I have for Austin are real. I love him and could honestly see us together in the future, but I just don’t think I’m prepared for a year alone, worrying, crying, hoping to hear from him, and thinking something might happen to him.”

  “I’ll be honest. I have mixed feelings. I really think you should give him a chance, give this a chance, and yet the thought of you splitting with him while he’s overseas would kill him. He went through so much with Emily, and I just don’t want him to get hurt.”

  We discussed it frontwards and backwards, up and down, but it was time to get back to work. I left the restaurant feeling relieved, our friendship still in tact. I couldn’t imagine not sharing every bit of my life with Heather at this point. She was the best friend I’d had in a long time.

  While I was happy that was behind me, I was still mourning the loss of my relationship with Austin. I missed him dearly, and wanted to hold him, feel him beside me, kiss him, and share life with him. Only now it wouldn’t happen – it was over. I sealed our fate, and there was no going back. I’d just have to sit in misery for awhile, until enough time passed to heal my pain.

  Heather said she’d have Scott check in on Austin and see how he was doing, though she said she wouldn’t break his confidence, so don’t ask for details.