More Than I Wanted

by Ava Catori

  I woke in a cold sweat later that night. I was crushed, my face was wet from tears, and I had to steady myself. It was only a dream. I looked around my bedroom bewildered. In my dream, Emily was writing to Austin while he was away. She heard he was single again and they reconnected. Then I walked in on them making out at the local tavern…my heart was racing, my body drenched in sweat. I got out of bed and paced. It’s what I do best. I’m surprised I haven’t worn a hole through the floor yet, as often as I pace. After clearing my head, I climbed back into bed and hoped for the best.

  This is a mistake. I need to fix this. I need to do something before it’s too late. Eventually drifting off to sleep, I lost track of my thoughts.

  Chapter 13

  I sat in my misery for three weeks. Heather let me know that Scott checked in with Austin, but out of loyalty to his friendship, she said she didn’t feel comfortable discussing it with me. It was an awkward place to be, between two friends, and she didn’t want to find herself choosing sides. I couldn’t blame her.

  I knew it wasn’t smart, but I was miserable, and I turned back to the comfort of what I once knew. Heather would be pissed, but I sent a text to Nick. I didn’t know how else to get past this void I had deep inside. I felt foolish even sending a message, but once I hit send, I knew I couldn’t take it back.

  “Hey,” I wrote, not saying much more.

  I got a reply eventually, “Ready to date a real man again?” I should have known he’d make some arrogant statement.

  I rolled my eyes. Why am I even doing this? I shouldn’t go there, not again. He was more of a burden than a relief, and yet I didn’t know who else to turn to. I was desperately trying to chase away the ghost of my past with another ghost. I hated myself as I sent the next text.

  “What are you doing this weekend?” This is a mistake, I heard the words over and over in my head, and yet I continued the conversation. Give it more time Kate, don’t do this, you’ll regret it.

  “I might be able to make time for you.” I got back.

  Crap, what am I doing? I should stop.

  “Are you there?” His message poked at me, and I knew I had to answer.

  “Maybe dinner?” My mind raced through our past, and I knew this wasn’t a good idea, but I sent it anyway. I desperately needed to numb my pain and move forward.

  “Saturday, eight.”

  “Okay.” I felt sick to my stomach. What was I doing? I’d end up having dinner with him, he’d want more, and I’d probably go there with him, just so I didn’t have to feel the pain I was in any longer. Shit, I screwed up. I should cancel…but I didn’t. I was lonely, still reeling from my break-up, and maybe just maybe I could put a temporary band-aid over it and make it go away for a little while.

  “I’ll pick you up then.” He replied, and I could almost feel him gloating.

  Last time I saw him, he was drunk and lunging for Austin. And now here I was asking to see him. I felt like an asshole. I didn’t respond. I just stared at the message. I was numb.

  I almost forced myself to cancel, but when it came down to it I was single, I was lonely, and I had nobody else to comfort me. I kept the plans.

  When he showed up at my door that weekend, I pasted on my best smile, though my eyes were dull. I told him it was nice to see him, and that things didn’t work out with my other boyfriend. I felt like a douche.

  He was a little too hands on, and I let him kiss my cheek, but I wasn’t ready to jump back into anything more at the moment. In fact, I didn’t even want to go out with him, but I had nothing better to do and no other offers currently.

  I knew he’d want to sleep with me, and I didn’t know how to handle that. We had history, and the sex was good, but I just wasn’t feeling anything for him. I’ll admit it; I was using him to make myself feel better. I knew it was wrong, but didn’t know what else to do anymore.

  We went to a little barbecue joint down on the main drag. I hadn’t been there in awhile, and it was a nice change of pace. They had a warm atmosphere, country music played in the background, and the wooden booths were dotted with red cushions across the bench seats.

  Talking over dinner, Nick filled me in on his latest work gossip. He had to hold the conversation, because I wasn’t my usual chatty self. I felt empty. Nick seemed oblivious and fell right back into our old pattern like we’d never split up and gone our own ways.

  It felt weird sitting here with him again. It’s not that we’d been super serious; it’s just that we always ended up back together having sex when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t see a future with Nick, but he seemed to fill the void time to time. He was a convenience, and a bad habit I needed to kick. I was reaching out for comfort, trying to get over the man I loved. Austin was still on my mind constantly, but I had to move on.

  I heard his laugh before I saw him. My heart dropped into my stomach, and as I turned around to look, there stood Austin and Jake about to be seated a few tables away. He glanced over and realized it was me. His eyes locked onto my own. It happened in a split second, and yet everything felt like slow motion. I didn’t know what to do - I froze.

  He was wearing my favorite jeans and that snug gray t-shirt that clung to his chest. It broke my heart seeing him there and hearing him laugh. I realized he’d gotten on with his life and seemed to be doing okay. It stung a little bit, but I was glad he wasn’t hurting. What was the point in both of us being miserable?

  I watched him lean towards Jake, and then the hostess. He was leaving, they’d go elsewhere. Everything inside of me was buzzing, an ache running through me. I was shaking deep inside, though it wasn’t visible. My face went flush, and I wanted to cry seeing his face again. I missed him so much. I love him, I still love him. I hated myself for letting go.

  As they were about to walk out the door, Austin changed his mind. He turned around and made his way over to our table. No, not here, not now…

  I felt shame run through me, and the closer he got, the more I wanted to disappear. It was too late, he was on a mission. Shit.

  “Is this really what you want?” He said pointing to Nick.

  “She’s ready to date a real man again. She came crawling back to me, since you apparently weren’t man enough to keep her.”

  “Nick, stop,” I said, not wanting him to make matters any worse. My heart was breaking, and I desperately wanted to reach out and hold him, tell him I still loved him, but I knew it was too late.

  Austin shook his head, “Disgusting.” He turned and started to walk away.

  I couldn’t help my reaction, it all happened so fast. I jumped up, “Austin, wait…”

  He put his hand up, “Don’t bother,” he said and walked out.

  Nick was somewhere between amused and angry. “Are you using me to get back at lover boy?”

  I shook my head. “I’m just trying to move forward.” I dropped my head. “Can we just leave?”

  Nick shook his head, “You’re something else, princess.” His tone was less than delightful.

  “Forget it, I’ll get a cab,” I said standing up.

  “Whoa, hold your horses; I didn’t say I wouldn’t take you home. Just chill out, relax a little bit. When I finish my dinner, I’ll take you home.”

  “Thank you,” I said quietly, staring at the food on my plate. I had no appetite left. Everything inside of me felt like it curled up and died. Seeing Austin again brought it all back, made my wounds feel fresh, and there was nothing I could do but sit it out and wait to heal.

  “I’m going to give you a little bit of advice,” he started, “not that you’ll take it.”

  “Great,” I said rolling my eyes.

  “Give it time, you’ll heal. Look at me, I felt the sting of our break up, and it took me awhile to move on, but I did. Well, until you called me, and I’ll admit, I was hoping for a little booty call after dinner, I mean, we do have some chemistry in the sack,” he went on, “but I see now that wasn’t your intention.”

  I looked at him and said
nothing.

  “I’m not the enemy. You called me,” he reminded. “I’m just saying you’ll get over him, it just takes time.”

  I excused myself to the bathroom and sat in a stall crying quietly. I had to get it out of my system, everything hurt, emotionally and physically in this particular moment. I felt like someone seared me with a dagger, and stuck their hand into my body, yanking out my heart.

  After a few minutes, I collected myself and went back to the table. The waitress was dropping off the check, and I knew I’d be out of there soon. I had to get home, had to be alone and think. Not like thinking would change the obvious, but I needed to clear my mind. I was in a dark place.

  Driving me home, Nick listed a handful of reasons why sex would make this all better. I thanked him for his time, but told him I just wasn’t feeling it. Amazingly, he didn’t try to push himself on me, and wasn’t a total ass. He simply said that he was around if I wanted to give things another try in the future.

  With my key in the door, I knew I’d be able to unwind in the privacy of my home. All I wanted was to be alone. Closing the door behind me, I tossed my keys and purse on the table. Kicking my shoes off as I walked through the living room, I found my way to my bed and stripped my clothes off. Climbing into bed, I snuggled in and closed my eyes. The pain was so real, so excruciating, and I couldn’t turn it off. My mind wouldn’t let up, that first look between us, his coming over, walking out…and then he was gone. I did this, there was nobody else to blame but me.

  The knock came the following morning. I’d slept in, and it was easily past eleven. I quickly dressed, not knowing who to expect. Dragging myself to the door, I checked out the peep hole. What the hell, I wasn’t expecting anyone. I hoped Nick wasn’t back looking for last night’s sex, because I was in no mood.

  My heart stopped. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

  Chapter 14

  “Can I come in?”

  I nodded, not saying anything.

  Austin walked past me and headed to the living room. “Is he here? I didn’t see his car.”

  I shook my head no, “We didn’t…he didn’t come in.” My voice was barely audible.

  “I know you still love me; this is insane. I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking about you, and as pissed as I am, I’m not ready to walk away, not yet. Seeing you last night made it crystal clear. I still love you, and the idea of you being with him, or hell, anyone for that matter killed me. Is this truly what you want? You can’t truly believe we don’t belong together. I know you still love me, this is a huge mistake…we need to give this a chance.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I was stunned. I expected hatred, anger, and pain to be spat at me, but instead he was telling me he loved me.

  The words barely came out, and in a tiny whisper I admitted my true feelings, “I still love you. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Just love me, why does it have to be harder than that? Listen, I’m not a player; I can’t just go out with girl after girl. I haven’t felt something this real in a long time, and I think it’s a mistake to not at least give it a fighting chance. I know what you’re worried about, I know you’re scared, but for the love of God, don’t let go out of fear. Stand up to your fear and fight for what you want.”

  I felt the tears streaming down my cheek, and nodded. It didn’t change the fact that he’d be leaving again, but if we were together and I was with Austin, it meant that all was right in my world.

  His arms were strong, and as they wrapped around me, holding me close, I felt the ice melting around my heart. He was all I wanted, all I needed, and once again I was back in his arms where I belonged. A sense of relief washed over me.

  There was lust in our eyes, a burning desire, but we took things slowly. He leaned back and looked at me, slowly running his fingers across my face, and then cupping my chin. Tilting my head up the slightest bit, Austin kissed my lips tenderly. I needed his kiss as much as I needed to breathe. I wanted to feel him again, feel him holding me, kissing me, and taking me as his own.

  He drew his hand across my forehead, and ran his fingers through my hair. It was as if he wanted to touch every bit of me, absorbing it as a memory. A sudden urgency had him pulling me in tightly again, “I love you, Kate. I want this to work,” he whispered.

  “It will,” I said, begging myself not to cry again. I didn’t know what else to say. It didn’t matter; he was here with me now and that was the only thing I cared about. I was back in Austin’s arms.

  Finally letting go, he stepped back only far enough to be able to move more freely. Tracing the length of my arms, his fingers stopped at my hands, pressing his fingers through mine. It was as if this tiny distance between us was a great divide, within moments he pulled me back tighter, almost embracing me in a bear hug. “We’re good for each other,” he said softly, “we’re meant to be together.”

  I knew he was right. Honestly, I was terrified of losing him, and yet I didn’t know how I’d handle the pain of him leaving for a year. I’d have to take it one day at a time, because deep inside I knew Austin and I were better together than apart.

  Kissing my forehead, he loosened his grip and led me to the bedroom. There were no more words left to speak, we knew exactly where we wanted to be.

  This won’t change my fears, and it won’t change my loneliness or pain while he’s away, but we have today. That has to be enough for now. There was still time, I’d worry about it later.

  Standing before the bed, Austin pulled me back into an embrace. Nudging my head to the side, he whispered I love you as he kissed my neck. The warmth of his breath gave me goose bumps, as I pressed into him hungry for more. His tongue slid along the curve of my neck, leaving me desperate for more.

  I reached for the edge of his shirt, tugging it up over his back, and slid my hands beneath it. “Off with this,” I whispered and helped him pull it over his head. I wanted to see him, feel him, and taste his sweet skin.

  I returned the soft kisses to his neck, his chest, and then back up to his lips. What started as a gentle softness was now a passionate desire. Our mouths ached to fill a need, and as our tongues explored, our hands skimmed over one another.

  His fingers gripped the material of my shirt, and slowly inching it higher, I held my breath waiting to feel his touch. My breasts were partially exposed, hidden in my bra and showcasing my cleavage. Tucking his face between my breasts, he tenderly licked my skin before finishing the task of removing my shirt.

  Soft moans and gasps bounced between us, a powerful lust sneaking out. Reaching around he helped me release my bra, and slipping it off I tossed it gently aside. His mouth and hands were attentive, wanting to please me. I sucked in as he wrapped his lips around my nipple, and sank into the feeling of my body’s pleasure.

  His breath was warm and his actions soft. Closing my eyes, I lingered in the sensations he offered. My flesh was alive with electricity.

  We moved back to the bed and sprawled across the covers, desperately needing one another. Our body heat sizzled. Licking his skin, he tasted salty, and I bathed him with small kisses.

  We weren’t in a hurry. There was no rush to strip off the remainder of our clothing, instead only a slow, sensual burn that pulsed from inside. Embracing my lover, everything felt right.

  His hands rested on the small of my back, but slowly inched lower until his hands were cupping my ass. A gentle squeeze, a grope, and our kisses great more heated. Softly grinding into him, my hips took on a life of their own, wanting to move in a steady rhythm. I desperately wanted to feel him inside of me.

  Heal me, take away my pain, and make it all better. I still had today, and I wasn’t letting go – not this time. We would bond our reunion, coming together as one, and test our faith as a couple.

  I rolled off of Austin onto my back and unbuttoned my jeans, pushing the zipper lower. Lifting my hips, I shifted out of my clothing, pulling my panties off with the denim of my slacks.

  Austin did the same,
and together we crawled under the covers, lifting them over us and snuggling in close. Pressed together in a naked embrace, we wrapped around one another.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” I said, grateful he saw past my earlier conclusions. “I’m so glad you’re giving us another chance.” I didn’t know if I was saying enough, or too little. I had little control over the thoughts spilling out of me. “Please don’t let me do something so stupid again.”

  “Shhh, I’m here now. It’s behind us. We can weather this together.” His words soothed me, and I was finally comfortable that this wasn’t a dream. He was truly here.

  “Together,” I said. Leaning in, I kissed his sweet lips.

  Our bodies knew what to do, and with our legs tangled under the sheets, we shifted just enough to bond intimately.

  Austin’s strong arms lifted me back onto him, and slowly I pushed myself up, sitting on him. Sharing together, slow and steady movements, enjoying the pleasures of the flesh, our hips met, pressing, grinding, and taking us closer to the edge.

  I watched his eyes, not wanting to look away. The connection between us was deep, and I felt like our relationship was moving to another level. We both felt the love; it was obvious that something had changed.

  Chapter 15

  We planned a weekend away, a romantic rendezvous at a little bed and breakfast at the shore. It was easily within driving distance. We decided to leave on a Friday night and would have until Sunday afternoon before we’d have to leave. Poking around online together, we found a charming place called The Sandcastle. We planned around his schedule and it looked like we’d be able to go the following weekend.

  Driving down to the beach was relaxing; the normal summer crowd was nowhere to be seen. It was off season and cooler weather, so a lot of the area was closed. That made it even more special, knowing we’d have a lot of the area to ourselves.