The Art of Reading People

by Ian Tuhovsky

  It won't take long. Let's just go.

  What is fifty bucks? It'll be fine. We can get it back later.

  You don't really need to go out tonight. Stay and spend time with me.

  Again, from time to time we will make sacrifices for friends, or friends will request a sacrifice. With a Machiavellian person there is no request. They will make it sound like it was our idea, in our best interests, and like they were just helping. [22]

  Exercise:

  Think about times people have recently asked you for help. If you can't think of recent ones, make a point of writing down the times when people ask you for help over the next week.

  Ask yourself:

  What did they ask for?

  How did they phrase it?

  Who benefits from the end result?

  What do they get out of it?

  Did they try and make it sound like a shared goal?

  Did they push you into accepting a sacrifice or a risk without giving you time to think it over?

  Did you feel used?

  You will be slightly surprised by how many Machiavellian interactions you have every day.

  Fear not: not everyone who does this is a Machiavellian person, or a Bad Guy! We live in a world where we have been told that to get ahead, especially in work, we need to be Machiavellian. You may even catch yourself doing it from time to time.

  Like with the narcissist, the key is consistency. Does this person ever ask for help politely? Do they ever help you out? Do they ever make the sort of sacrifice they are asking you to do? If the answer to those questions is 'yes', then they are just someone else trapped by social norms. But if the answer to all those questions is 'no', then you are dealing with someone Machiavellian.

  CHAPTER EIGHT: IT'S ALL ABOUT ME – SOLIPSISM EXPLORED

  Once again, like with pragmatism, solipsism is originally a perfectly valid philosophical theory. In fact, it is more of a thought experiment. Under solipsism we wonder whether we may be the only person in the world. An example of this theory is the brain in a jar thought experiment. If we are just a brain in a jar, and everything we see, think or feel is just electrical impulses, then is the world real, and do consequences matter?

  The idea is that we cannot trust our experiences because they have all come from our brain, so they could all be dreams, hallucinations, or implanted by a machine. We have no true way of knowing if the people around us are real people, if they experience the same things we do, or if they are just simulations. The whole point is to make us reconsider what we know about other people and accept we do not live in their heads.

  It is a fun exercise to play. It can even help us to understand people who are very different to us. And yet, at the end of the day, we all agree that even if we are a brain in a jar, it is better to play it safe and assume other people are humans with their own thoughts, feelings, and motivations. [23]

  What happens when someone does this all the time? Solipsism can become pathological. And by pathological, I mean the person is not in control of their solipsism. They did not say, “Hey, this is a neat thought experiment.” They just always act like they are the only person with logic, insight, and abstract thoughts. They treat other people like television characters, animals, or machines at all times.

  It can be argued that solipsism is a sort of narcissism. The main difference is that narcissists are often aware they are narcissists. Even if they are not aware, when we tell them it makes sense to them. A narcissist can be so aware of their problem that they hide it and work around it. They learn to be, or at least act like, a better person. Not so with a solipsist. A solipsist is unable of thinking of other people as having brains.

  They think they can predict your behavior. They are angry with you when you do something differently to their prediction.

  They think you will forget their misbehavior. They are angry and confused when you remember.

  They think you know everything they know. They are confused when you have not read the same book or seen the same films.

  They think you want the same things from life as they do. They are angry when you do not accept their gifts and confused when you are not jealous of their achievements.

  They think you agree with them on all political and moral matters. They are confused when you disagree with them.

  As such, solipsism is rarely connected to true mental disorders or personality disorders. In many ways, we could call solipsism “just being a bit of a dick”. Because this behavior is really obvious most of the time we can just cut them out of our lives and move along. But when someone like this becomes a part of our lives it can be very difficult to live normally. When we go to school with them, work with them, or they are our parents, siblings, or children, we cannot just cut them off. In many ways, we would feel bad because we know they aren't doing it on purpose. They just don't understand that we are people, too. Intentionally or not, they will ruin our lives.

  Take, for example, the ex-girlfriend of mine who used to steal my money for shopping sprees. Now, we could say she was being Machiavellian and just exploiting me. There is a problem with that it was nowhere near calculated enough to be Machiavellian. She was living with me at the time, which would make her stealing super obvious and make her vulnerable. She was always promising she would stop, but then would start and would make no extra effort to hide it. She was literally not aware of her own problem.

  Which brings me back to solipsism. A solipsist does not realize they live in their own heads, because we need to step outside our own head to know there is more to the world. A bit like a baby in the womb has no way of knowing what the world is like, a solipsist has no way of knowing what other people are like. To them we are no different to characters on a screen. This is how they hurt us.

  When was the last time you worried about whether your favorite TV character was doing alright? Have you ever wondered if your toaster minds being used for making breakfast? Of course not. We have some degrees of separation between people and everything else. Even when we do consider an animal to be equal to humans, we lift the animal, declaring it a “person”, we do not lower humans to the level of animals.

  For a solipsist all humans are animals, or objects! Just as we consider characters and objects just that, they never consider you other than for the influence you have in their lives. My ex-girlfriend wasn't using my money because she was being cold and calculating. She was using it because, in her mind, my purpose in life was to give her money. That was why she kept doing it even after moving in with me, and even after promising to stop. She could not understand that I am a human being with my own feelings, thoughts, and goals.

  This is why we avoid people like this whenever we can, and why it is very dangerous when we are stuck in a relationship, even a casual relationship, with a solipsist. However, there are ways of identifying them and ways of managing them which can help us in our day to day lives. [24]

  Lesson 10: Spotting the solipsist.

  Solipsists are very easy to spot, and chances are you already know and dislike the solipsists in your life. They are overly concerned with themselves and will spend hours on what matters to them, but barely give minutes to anyone else. They expect the people around them to help them but will not return the favor. They seem to have empathy because seeing others suffer makes them sad... but when the suffering is gone they will forget about it, and sometimes they will even “solve” the problem by avoiding looking at or talking to those who are suffering. In short, they are entitlement made flesh.

  However, we must distinguish them from three similar types of person: narcissists, autistic people, and people from a disconnected background.

  We have already observed that the difference between solipsists and narcissists is that a narcissist knows that they are selfish and enjoys being selfish. Unlike the narcissist, the solipsist will condemn selfishness and maybe even do nice and selfless things when they feel very bad about themselves. They will never be kind out of anything but guilt or sadness, a
nd they are unable to truly empathize with the people they are helping. They are just helping to make themselves feel good.

  Many people who seem to treat others as objects are not selfish solipsists, but rather autistic. A huge characteristic of autism is an inability to relate socially. But this is different from an inability to empathize! Autistic people may treat you the way someone would treat an object, but it is not out of malice. Rather, they just do not know how to treat you and revert back to a “neutral” behavior.

  Unlike the solipsist, the autistic person wants you to be happy, and is not wholly selfish. If you tell them and show them how you want to be treated they will often adapt. On the other hand, the solipsist, at the suggestion that they are acting in a way that hurts you, will get angry and confused, and refuse to change. They will blame you for making them feel bad, and not themselves for treating you poorly.

  Finally, some people who seem not to understand that other people are different from them may simply have had a sheltered life, or just a very different life to ours. There is nothing at all wrong or different about these people medically speaking. They just have no idea that, for example, some people have gone without food for days or weeks. They do not understand that some people work so much that they cannot sleep right or can't afford medical care. These people are getting very rare thanks to how well information spreads, but they still exist. They learn very fast and are basically normal people once you get to know them.[25]

  Exercise:

  For this exercise I need you to look back on the “weird, annoying, selfish” people you have known. Compare them to the narcissist, the autistic person, the disconnected person, and the solipsist. Which one do they most resemble? What makes you say that?

  Lesson 11: Avoiding and handling the solipsist.

  As we have already discussed, the biggest issue isn't spotting a solipsist. We can already tell that these people are trouble. We could tell before we knew what to call them, since we just used to call them “jerks”. Now that we recognize their negative traits, sometimes we just cannot avoid their company. Either they are a relative, or they are someone we have to work with or study with.

  So, what do we do when they are part of our lives? The first and most important strategy is simply to avoid them. We may feel guilty for doing this, because it will genuinely make them sad. We need to remember that it makes them sad the same way a remote control not working makes them sad. They are not experiencing the genuine loss of a friendship because you were never a friend to them, just a tool.

  If you cannot avoid them, then you need to work out how to handle their behavior. The first step to handling a solipsist is to put yourself first. Seriously. The solipsist lives in their own head and is literally only thinking about themselves, so you can't treat the relationship as one of equals. If you want even a chance of surviving this, you need to put yourself first and give yourself a fair chance. Whatever they do, ask, say, or suggest, make a point of asking yourself if that helps you at all.

  You also need to remain polite and keep emotions low. Unlike a narcissist or a Machiavellian, a solipsist has very intense emotions, much like a toddler. The solipsist cannot handle it when you are hurt because it makes them feel bad. They also cannot handle being refused, corrected, interrupted, directed, or anything else which stops them from being the center of their own universe. So how do you handle a person who acts like a toddler? You treat them like a toddler. [26]

  Use short and simple sentences. Do not say things that are ambiguous or make small talk. If they start talking about themselves, acknowledge them with positive words and then change the topic back to the subject you need to discuss. Remember that it is pointless to argue with solipsists, as they will just get angry and not change their behavior You just have to gently direct them toward the solution that ends the interaction as soon as possible.

  Exercise:

  If you currently have a relative or a coworker who is a solipsist, I want you to make a point of passing by their location at some point in the near future.

  When you are around them, make sure that you keep the interaction positive and relaxed. Do not take anything they say or do to heart. Remember: they are a toddler. Your mission is to get what you came for and leave.

  CHAPTER NINE: ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITIES AND SOCIAL ORDER

  Antisocial personality disorder is the official psychiatric term for what the rest of us call a psychopath. We often talk about psychopathy like it is some sort of a “serial killer mental illness” which will make a person go around committing serious crimes, but the reality is not that simple.

  Psychopathy is defined by a complete lack of empathy and too much impulsivity. This doesn't mean they are ready to go out and hurt people any more than you go out of your way to kick rocks. But it does mean that to them you are nothing more than a rock, and that if hurting you crosses their mind, it could happen. Which actually makes a real psychopath more dangerous than a stereotypical movie psychopath.

  The DSMV says that psychopaths have certain behaviors. However, it is again important to remember that any of these behaviors can be dangerous and that a person who does any of these things regularly is a risk, even if they are not a true psychopath!

  Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.

  What does this mean?

  The important part to note here is “failure to conform to social norms”. A strong emphasis is placed on legal versus illegal behavior because obviously this impacts society the most, and in our culturally varied world, what is a social norm for one person may be a strange custom for another. The key thing to remember is that a psychopath does not follow the rules. Whether it's the law, social expectations, office rules, or civilized behavior, they do not conform. They live and act only for themselves.

  What harm does it do?

  When someone does not care about any rules or norms at all, they will break them if they want to. This means a psychopath is more likely than a normal person to do something illegal, dangerous, or unpleasant.

  Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure

  What does this mean?

  Quite simply: they do not care about the truth. The truth is a social norm that almost every society values, but because it is a norm, it doesn't matter to the psychopath.

  What harm does it do?

  As we have already discussed, telling the truth ourselves and being able to tell when someone is lying are important cornerstones of socializing. With a psychopath you are always in the dark.

  Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

  What does this mean?

  This trait is not related to their lack of empathy. It is actually the other key trait of a psychopath. It may not be obvious, but they are continually in what we call fight or flight mode, always running on adrenaline. This can be confusing because often they look like they are planning everything so carefully. In reality? That calm, collected face and that “I planned this all along!” speech are lies. Because they are used to adrenaline, they may be able to hide their energy, but they are always looking for their next rush.

  What harm does it do?

  When we enter fight or flight mode it is usually for survival reasons. An animal attacking us, a loud sound in the middle of the night, or a fight are good examples. Our body then tells us to run or to fight, and we do it without thinking. This is a good response because thinking would waste valuable time where we could be in danger. Now imagine if every decision was split-second, you followed through on almost everything you considered doing, and you had to second-guess everything decision because you acted rashly. Chances are you would do a lot of risky things.

  Many psychopaths adapt as they grow up, and eventually learn to pause and force themselves to think instead of act on impulse. But even the best-trained psychopath slips up, so they will eventually do something danger
ous on an impulse.

  Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults

  What does this mean?

  Again, this is because of their increased stress response. All it takes is a slightly tense situation and they break into aggression like they were being attacked by a bear.

  What harm does it do?

  Obviously, someone being ready for a fight as soon as you bump into them is not a good thing for society.

  Reckless disregard for safety of self or others

  What does this mean?

  Again, fight or flight is to blame. In a dangerous situation we rarely have time to calculate the least dangerous option. Instead, we just focus on getting rid of the threat.

  What harm does it do?

  Because the psychopath is acting completely on impulse, they will not be able to stop and consider everyone’s safety. They may not even care. This, in day to day life, is definitely not a good thing.