Love Again

by Christina Marie

  The hospital was bustling with nurses and doctors. I went to the third floor nurses station. “I’m here to see Lennie Ericson.” I set the bouquet on the desk.

  “Name please?” the lady never even looked up.

  “Dominique Hastings.”

  Her head snapped up she blinked a few times, “Oh, oh…”

  “Don’t please,” I looked at her nametag “Aleesha.” I held my hand up. I still had a headache and couldn’t handle the screeching.

  “I’m sorry but the doctor has a list of people approved and I don’t see your name on here.” She gave me a confused look.

  I leaned over the counter, sure enough the list she was holding only had David, Jennifer, Corrina, Henry and James. “Please, I’ll let you take her the flowers I just need to see her. I won’t go in the room.” I begged.

  She pursed her lips and looked down each hallway, she motioned for me to hurry. “You’re not getting in there, I could lose my job for doing this much.” She whispered as we walked briskly down toward Lennie’s room. I stopped her from walking and handed her the flowers. “Thank you.”

  Aleesha nodded, “Sorry about that back there, I’ve only watched you on TV and seen you in magazines. You’re breathtaking in person.”

  I smiled and patted her shoulder, “I owe you.”

  She pointed at the window as we approached, “I’ll take these in for you.”

  Lennie was staring out the window, her hair pulled to the side and flowing over one shoulder. I walked closer to the window, before Aleesha even walked in Lennie turned her head. Our eyes connected through the glass. The side of her face was bruised purple and black, her bottom and top lip cut and dry. I swallowed hard, tears filled her eyes then she shook her head and looked away. Aleesha put the flowers on a table in the corner of the room. I couldn’t hear what was being said, but I knew when Lennie refused to look at me again…that it wasn’t good.

  Aleesha quietly shut the door behind her, “I’m sorry, she wants you to leave.”

  I stared at Lennie, waiting for her to look at me again, my heart pounded in my chest. “Tell her I love her.” I told Aleesha then walked away.

  I could hear my dad talking to me but I couldn’t say anything to him. I felt his hand grasping mine but I couldn’t squeeze his back. He was crying, apologizing, he pressed his lips to my cheek and whispered, “Be strong baby girl, please be strong. I’ll find him and he’ll regret doing this to you.”

  In the early morning hours I opened my eyes, I knew I was in the hospital and I knew why I was there. My entire body was felt so heavy with pain, my room was empty and dark. I winced when I reached to push the call light button, I needed water so I could get the medicine and blood taste out of my mouth.

  “You’re awake!” A nurse whispered when she walked in and shut my call light off.

  I nodded my head, “Water—please?” my throat felt like I had swallowed cactus needles.

  After helping me take a few small sips she put the cup on the end table, “I need to tell the doctor you’re awake.”

  “Okay.”

  A few minutes later a short oriental lady walked in and introduced herself as Doctor Vizin. “How are you feeling?”

  I glared at her, “How do you think I’m feeling?”

  She gave me a sad smile, “I’m sorry, I know you’re hurting.” She turned a tiny flashlight on and shined it on her hand. “Let me look into your beautiful eyes.”

  The light made my eyes water, “Everything hurts so bad.” I told her.

  “I know sweetie, I’ll be out of here in just a few minutes and we’ll give you some meds for the pain. You have quite a few people waiting to see you.” She told me.

  “Who?”

  “Well, your dad, your boyfriend…”

  “I can’t see him…just my dad, Jennifer, Corrina, Henry and James.”

  “You’re boyfriend was pretty upset I wouldn’t let him in here last night.”

  I looked down at my hands, “I don’t want him to see me like this, he doesn’t need somebody so damaged.”

  There was a tap on the door, the nurse Aleesha walked over and spoke softly to whoever was on the other side. “It’s her dad and Jennifer.”

  “They can come in.” I told her.

  Dad walked with fast strides to my bed, tears in his eyes, “I’m so sorry he did this to you!” He laid his head against my forehead. Jennifer rubbed my arm as dad and I cried together. Finally he stood up and looked at the doctor. A look passed between them, “What?” I asked.

  Doctor Vizin stepped over to stand beside Jennifer, “I need to discuss your injuries with you.”

  “Okay, I remember that he cut me on my side and remember seeing the marks on my leg.”

  Vizin nodded, “Those will heal fine with minimal scarring, but,” she looked at dad before looking at me again. “You lost the baby.”

  The only sound that could be heard in the room was the rapid beating of my heart through the monitor I was connected to and the tick tock tick tock of the clock on the wall.

  “Excuse me? I’ve been on birth control since I was fifteen. I think you have the wrong chart.” I finally said. The heart monitor started beeping faster as I waited for one of them to say it was a mistake. How could I have been pregnant and not have known. Hot tears fell down my cheeks, “Please don’t tell Dominique.”

  “He found out last night.” Dad told me.

  I hiccupped with a sob, “I can’t see him he doesn’t need this mess in his life.”

  “He’s worried about you, you should have seen the look on his face Lennie. I thought he was going to rip the waiting room apart.” Jennifer squeezed my hand gently.

  I shook my head, “I can’t…”

  Doctor Vizin interrupted me, “Why don’t you get some rest, I’ll make a note with approved visitors and leave it at the nurse’s station. When you’re ready to see him you let me know.”

  Dad kissed me again before they all left the room. Once they were gone and the lights were out I cried. I was angry, sad, confused, and not sure I would be strong enough to ever get past all of this.

  ~~~~~~

  “Why can’t you just stay with me?” Corrina pleaded.

  “I need to get out of here—for me.” I said as I put more clothes in my suitcases.

  “Dominique is hurting too you know. Can’t you at least talk to him?”

  We both sat down on the bed, it had been two weeks since I left the hospital and I had avoided Dominique’s calls and Jennifer met him at the door each time he showed up at my house. “I need to get things right in my life I know that he’ll try to convince me to stay here. I hate this city now, I’m scared that Justin is lurking around just waiting to attack me again.”

  “He loves you—Dominique does I mean.” Corrina said softly.

  “I don’t even love me right now! When I look in the mirror I see a woman that is broken and sad. I see a woman that scared and weak. I’m not the same person he fell in love with, maybe what we was feeling was actually lust.”

  Corrina jumped from the bed, “I can’t hear you say that about yourself Lennie! You’re not weak you’re strong! You’ve been through so much in your life, you can get through this, let somebody help you. Please?” she was crying.

  I stood up and hugged her, “I’m going to that’s why I can’t stay here. Dad’s got the extra space and one of the best psychologists lined up for me.”

  “I don’t want you to go.”

  I laughed, “You’ll just have to come see me, it’ll give you a good reason to get away from your busy life for a weekend.”

  I pulled away from her and wiped her cheeks, “You know that if I thought I could stay here and be able to move on that I would.”

  Corrina nodded her head, “I know, it just sucks.”

  We finished packing my stuff, I would have a moving company come get the rest of my things the following week. After dad loaded the last of my bags in the car, him and Jennifer waited outside for me. I had Henry p
ut my house on the market for far less than what I had paid for it, I gave Corrina the keys and hugged her. “I’ll call you when we get there.”

  She hugged me tight, “Please do, I love you so much.” Then she tucked something inside of my purse. “Read this when you are ready.” She whispered.

  The drive from Chicago to Fair Lawn, New Jersey would take eleven hours or so. Dad and Jennifer both hugged Corrina before the three of us got in the rental car. This was the beginning of my recovery, watching my best friend cry as we pulled away from my house ripped my already broken heart to shreds but if I wanted to heal…I had to leave.

  I debated on pulling the envelope out of my purse and reading what was inside of it but I couldn’t bring myself to.

  ~~~~~~

  Dad and Jennifer’s house was a beautiful two story Victorian in a quiet neighborhood. I had slept most of the ride but was still exhausted by the time we finished carrying my luggage and boxes inside. My room was on the second floor, the pale blue walls and white bedding made it feel airy and relaxing. “Is this the master?” I asked.

  Dad smiled, “Nope, the master is even bigger! But if you want it, I’m sure Jen would trade.”

  I sat down on the bed, the softness of the comforter and bed calling my name for sleep. “Nope, I love this room.”

  “Are you sure?” Jennifer asked.

  I nodded, “Love it! I’m going to take a nap when I wake up I’ll unpack.”

  “No rush, get some rest. If you need anything let me know.” Dad kissed my forehead. “I love you.”

  Then Jennifer walked over and sat down beside me, “I love you too, I’m here for you.”

  Tears threatened to fall from my eyes “I love you both, thank you for letting me come stay here.”

  “You’re welcome here for as long as you want to stay.” Jennifer patted my leg then yawned. “Night sweetie.”

  After they left the room, I took one of the sleeping pills I had been prescribed and waited for sleep to claim me. The last thing that I always seen before I closed my eyes at night was, Dominique’s blue eyes filled with pain as we stared at each other through the glass at the hospital window.

  ~~~~~~

  The psychologist I visited with was amazing, I was hesitant to open up to a man but Doctor Brenton put me at ease the very first time we met. He was my dad’s age and very laid back, he insisted that I call him by his first name, “I can’t perform brain surgery or heart surgery so I prefer Brenton.” He said with a big smile as I shook his hand.

  “How are you liking Fair Lawn?” He asked. It had been seeing him twice a week for over a month now.

  “I love it here, Jennifer’s flower garden in their backyard is an amazing place for me to relax and reflect on my thoughts.”

  “And you’re still keeping a journal, right?”

  “Yes, it really is helping. I’m not even close to being where I want to be but each day a little piece of me heals.”

  “You’re correct, some days are going to be easier than others. Today is going to probably be a hard session for you. I think we need to talk about your and Justin’s relationship.”

  My stomach knotted up, “O…okay.”

  “Take your time, if it gets to be too much you can stop. It doesn’t have to all come out in one session, Lennie.”

  “I’m going to lie down on the couch for this.” I smiled at him.

  He gestured to the tan overstuffed couch, “Be my guest.”

  “Kick your footrest up, we’re going to be here a while.”

  He laughed, “Don’t mind if I do. This is very unprofessional by the way.”

  We both laughed.

  Over the next hour, I cried about my failed marriage and got angry about the things Justin had said to me. When Brenton asked me about the day that Justin abducted me, I had to take a few minutes to gather up the encouragement to tell him, I had only went in to detail with the detective so they could have a good report about it. Brenton listened never interrupting me until I had nothing left in me to cry and the room was silent.

  “I know that was hard for you, but, it’s what you need. One of your goals we set in the beginning is for you to realize that you are a beautiful strong woman. I want you to tell yourself that every time you look in the mirror, Lennie.”

  I smiled, “I do feel a little bit better getting it all out. It still hurts though and I’m still scared he’s going to find me again.”

  Brenton leaned forward, “You’re safe here, trust me, you’re safe. Now my next suggestion is going to sound invasive but hear me out okay?”

  I nodded.

  “The journal you’ve been keeping, I would like to read. I won’t copy or share anything obviously. That journal is all you, raw and deep. It will help me help you.”

  “Okay, but it’s pretty sloppy.” I told him.

  “Is what I plan to do you is make notes about things that I think will help you with your recovery.”

  “Okay.” I nodded.

  “I’ll see you Friday bring it with you that will give me all weekend to take notes. Monday we can discuss things in it.”

  I stood up, “I’ll see you Friday.”

  ~~~~~~

  Four months into my recovery I started volunteering at a local youth center, I was amazed at how many under privileged children attended the after school program. Kids from the ages of seven to seventeen came every day. One eight year old boy name Marshall caught my attention right away and quickly became attached to me.

  “How was school today?” I asked him while he ate the meal provided by the center.

  He shrugged his shoulders, “I got made fun of because I didn’t have permission to play on the flag football team.”

  Although I had never met his parents, some of the staff had filled me in on their situation. His mom was in and out of treatment for drugs and his dad worked three jobs to try and keep their apartment and food for the kids.

  “Daddy forgot to sign the paper.” He said with sadness.

  “I can call and see if they’ll let me sign for you, if you want me to?” The school districts worked very close with the center and understood all of the children’s situations.

  Marshall’s eyes got big, “You can do that?”

  “Give me ten minutes! Finish up your meal then start your homework.” I patted his head as he nodded frantically.

  Thirty minutes later I was finally off of the phone after yelling at and pleading with, the director of youth sports.

  I found Marshall playing catch with a kid a few years older than him, “Watch me Lennie!” He launched the ball at the other kid. The white threads of the football blurred in a perfect spiral, right into the other kid’s hands.

  “That’s excellent!” I clapped my hands, “The school is going to let you play. I’ll go there in the morning and sign the papers.”

  “REALLY REALLY?” He jumped up and down, then stopped. “I don’t have the right shoes.”

  “Come on, I’m sure we can find some in the equipment room.”

  As we sifted through shoes, I was growing more and more aggravated. Not only were most of the shoes torn they were all obviously old. “Forget it, come on.” I pushed the shoes aside.

  “Does this mean I can’t play?” Marshall’s voice sounded broken.

  “You still can, I’m going to buy you a pair!”

  After going to three different stores we finally found him the perfect pair. “I’ll take really good care of them. I promise!” He jumped up and down and hugged me.

  I took him home and waved goodbye to him before he turned and darted up the old metal stairs of the apartment building.

  When I got back to the house, dad and Jennifer were just setting the supper table. I helped them finish then we all sat down to eat.

  “How have the sessions been going with Doctor Brenton?” Dad asked.

  “Really good, but today I did something that made me feel really good.”

  Jennifer smiled waiting for me to tell them.

&
nbsp; “It’s really nothing major but I bought a little boy a pair of football cleats. His first pair actually. Tomorrow I’m going to make an anonymous donation to the school and the center so they can upgrade their athletic department. I’ll make a big enough donation the school can upgrade their music and art stuff too.”

  “That’s great baby girl! If it helps you to help other’s I’m totally for it, I’ll even donate to both places too.”

  After supper, I wrote in my journal for a while then showered before going to bed. For the first time in weeks I fell asleep without needing a sleeping pill. And for the first time it wasn’t Dominique’s sad eyes I was looking at, it was the beautiful eyes of his the first day we met at the Wilson place.

  The next morning I was driving to the school when my cell phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize. My first thought was that Justin had found me, I pulled into the nearest parking lot of a business and put my car I park. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest as the phone continued to ring, when it finally stopped I waited to see if the caller would leave a voicemail. About a minute later the small icon appeared at the top of the screen. I took a deep breath swiped down the screen, my thumb hovered over the ‘listen’ button, I pressed it an waited to see if I had worked this hard only to have my world come crashing down on me again.

  “Hello, this is Detective Bison calling for Lennie Ericson. If I’ve reached the wrong number I’m sorry.” Then the voicemail ended.

  I stared blankly at my phone then called the number.

  “Benson.” He answered.

  “Detective, this is Lennie.” I hated how scared I was.

  “Hey Lennie! How are you doing?” His voice was less robotic.

  “I’m doing better, thanks for asking.”

  “You’re probably wondering why I’m calling you, so I’ll cut right to the point. Justin was arrested last night. He was involved in an altercation with an undercover narcotics agent.”

  I gasped, “Are…are you serious? He’s been in Chicago the entire time?”

  “Actually no, this agent met him about three weeks ago when a shipment from Mexico. The operation we set up took down seven others.”