Volpone and Other Plays
Page 23
KASTRIL: Ay, and the best o’ the Kastrils, I’ d be sorry else
By fifteen hundred a year. Where is this Doctor?
My mad tobacco-boy here tells me of one
That can do things. Has he any skill?
FACE: Wherein, sir?
KASTRIL: To carry a business, manage a quarrel fairly,
Upon fit terms.
FACE: It seems, sir, y’ are but young
20 About the town, that can make that a question.
KASTRIL: Sir, not so young but I have heard some speech
Of the angry boys, and seen ’em take tobacco,
And in his shop; and I can take it too.
And I would fain be one of ’em, and go down
And practise i’ the country.
FACE: Sir, for the duello,
The Doctor, I assure you, shall inform you,
To the least shadow of a hair; and show you
An instrument he has, of his own making,
Wherewith no sooner shall you make report
30 Of any quarrel, but he will take the height on’t
Most instantly, and tell in what degree
Of safety it lies in, or mortality;
And how it may be borne, whether in a right line,
Or a half-circle; or may else be cast
Into an angle blunt, if not acute;
All this he will demonstrate. And then, rules
To give and take the lie by.
KASTRIL: How! to take it?
FACE: Yes, in oblique he’ll show you, or in circle;
But never in diameter. The whole town
40 Study his theorems, and dispute them ordinarily
At the eating academies.
KASTRIL: But does he teach
Living by the wits, too?
FACE: Anything whatever.
You cannot think that subtlety but he reads it.
He made me a Captain. I was a stark pimp,
Just o’ your standing, ’ fore I met with him;
It’s not two months since. I’ll tell you his method:
First, he will enter you at some ordinary.
KASTRIL: No, I’ll not come there; you shall pardon me.
FACE: For why, sir?
KASTRIL: There’s gaming there, and tricks.
FACE: Why, would you be
A gallant, and not game?
KASTRIL: Ay,’twill spend a man.
50 FACE: Spend you! it will repair you when you are spent.
How do they live by their wits there, that have vented
Six times your fortunes?
KASTRIL: What, three thousand a year!
FACE: Ay, Forty thousand.
KASTRIL: Are there such?
FACE: Ay, sir,
And gallants yet. Here’s a young gentleman
Is born to nothing– forty marks a year,
Which I count nothing – he’s to be initiated,
And have a fly o’ the Doctor. He will win you
By unresistible luck, within this fortnight,
60 Enough to buy a barony. They will set him
Upmost, at the .groom-porter’s, all the Christmas!
And for the whole year through at every place
Where there is play, present him with the chair,
The best attendance, the best drink, sometimes
Two glasses of Canary, and pay nothing;
The purest linen and the sharpest knife,
The partridge next his trencher, and somewhere
The dainty bed, in private, with the dainty.
You shall ha’ your ordinaries bid for him,
70 As playhouses for a poet; and the master
Pray him aloud to name what dish he affects,
Which must be buttered shrimps; and those that drink
To no mouth else, will drink to his, as being
The goodly president-mouth of all the board.
KASTRIL: Do you not gull one?
FACE: ’Ods my life! Do you think it?
You shall have a cast commander, (can but get
In credit with a glover, or a spurrier,
For some two pair of either’s ware aforehand)
Will, by most swift posts, dealing with him,
80 Arrive at competent means to keep himself,
His punk, and naked boy, in excellent fashion,
And be admired for ’t.
KASTRIL: Will the Doctor teach this?
FACE:He will do more, sir. when your land is gone,
(As men of spirit hate to keep earth long),
In a vacation, when small money is stirring,
And ordinaries suspended till the term,
He’ll show a perspective, where on one side
You shall behold the faces and the persons
Of all sufficient young heirs in town,
90 Whose bonds are current for commodity;
On th’ other side, the merchants’ forms, and others,
That without help of any second broker,
Who would expect a share, will trust such parcels;
In the third square, the very street and sign
Where the commodity dwells, and does but wait
To be delivered, be it pepper, soap,
Hops, or tobacco, oatmeal, woad, or cheeses.
All which you may so handle, to enjoy
To your own use, and never stand obliged.
KASTRIL: I’ faith! is he such a fellow?
100 FACE: Why, nab here knows him.
And then for making matches for rich widows,
Young gentlewomen, heirs, the fortunat’st man!
He’s sent to, far and near, all over England,
To have his counsel, and to know their fortunes.
KASTRIL: God’s will, my suster shall see him.
FACE: I’ll tell You, sir,
What he did tell me of Nab. It’s a strange thing
(By the way, you must eat no cheese, Nab, it breeds melancholy, And that same melancholy breeds worms) but pass it –He told me honest Nab here was ne’er at tavern But once in’s life.
110 DRUGGER: Truth, and no more I was not.
FACE: And then he was so sick –
DRUGGER: Could he tell you that too?
FACE: How should I know it?
DRUGGER:In troth, we had been a-shooting,
And had a piece of fat ram-mutton to supper,
That lay so heavy o’ my stomach –
FACE: And he has no head
To bear any wine; for, what with the noise o’ the fiddlers,
And care of his shop, for he dares keep no servants –
DRUGGER: My head did so ache –
FACE: As he was fain to be brought home.
The Doctor told me. And then a good old woman –
DRUGGER: Yes, faith, she dwells in seacoal lane, – did cure me,
120 With sodden ale, and pellitory o’ the wall –
Cost me but twopence. I had another sickness
Was worse than that.
FACE: Ay, that was with the grief
Thou took’st for being ’ cessed at eighteenpence For the waterwork.
DRUGGES: In truth, and it was like
T’ have cost me almost my life.
FACE: Thy hair went off?
DRUGGER: Yes, sir; ’twas done for spite.
FACE: Nay, so says the Doctor.
KASTRIL: Pray thee, tobacco-boy, go fetch my suster.
I’ll see this learneèd boy before I go;
And so shall she.
FACE: Sir, he is busy now,
130 But if you have a sister to fetch hither,
Perhaps your own pains may command her sooner;
And he by that time will be free.
KASTRIL: I go.
[Exit]
FACE: Drugger, she’s thine! The damask!
[Exit ABEL.]
[Aside] Subtle and I
Must wrestle for her. – Come on, Master Dapper,
You see how I turn clients here away,
T
o give your cause dispatch. Ha’ you performed
The ceremonies were enjoined you?
DAPPER: Yes, o’ the vinegar,
And the clean shirt.
FACE: ’Tis well; that shirt may do you
More worship than you think. Your aunt’s afire,
140 But that she will not show it, t’ have a sight on you.
Ha’ you provided for her Grace’s servants?
DAPPER: Yes, here are six score Edward shillings.
FACE: Good!
DAPPER: And an old harry’s sovereign.
FACE: Very good!
DAPPER: And three james shillings, and an Elizabeth groat, Just twenty nobles.
FACE: O, you are too just.
I would you had had the other noble in Maries.
DAPPER: I have some Philip and Maries.
FACE: Ay, those same
Are best of all. Where are they? Hark, the Doctor.
III,V [Enter] SUBTLE, disguised like a Priest of Faery.
[SUBTLE, in an assumed voice:] Is yet her Grace’s cousin come?
FACE: He is come.
SUBTLE: And is he fasting?
FACE: Yes.
SUBTLE: And hath cried ‘hum’?
FACE: Thrice, you must answer.
DAPPER: Thrice.
SUBTLE: And as oft ’ buzz’?
FACE: If you have, say.
DAPPER: I have.
SUBTLE: Then, to her coz,
Hoping that he hath vinegared his senses,
As he was bid, the Faery Queen dispenses,
By me, this robe, the petticoat of Fortune;
Which that he straight put on, she doth importune.
And though to Fortune near be her petticoat,
10 Yet nearer is her smock, the Queen doth note,
And therefore, even of that a piece she hath sent,
Which, being a child, to wrap him in was rent;
And prays him for a scarf he now will wear it,
With as much love as then her Grace did tear it,
About his eyes, to show he is fortunate;
They blind [-fold] him with a rag.
And, trusting unto her to make his state,
He’ll throw away all worldly pelf about him;
Which that he will perform, she doth not doubt him.
FACE: She need not doubt him, sir. Alas, he has nothing
20 But what he will part withal as willingly,
Upon her Grace’s word – Throw away your purse –
As she would ask it – Handkerchiefs and all –
He throws away, as they bid him.
She cannot bid that thing but he’ll obey. –
If you have a ring about you, cast it off,
Or a silver seal at your wrist. Her Grace will send
Her fairies here to search you, therefore deal
Directly with her Highness. If they find
That you conceal a mite, you are undone.
DAPPER: Truly, there’s all
FACE: All what?
DAPPER: My money, truly.
30 FACE: Keep nothing that is transitory about you.
[Aside to SUBTLE] Bid dol play music.-look, the elves are come Dol enters with a cittern.
To pinch you, if you tell not truth. Advise you.
They pinch him.
DAPPER: O! I have a paper with a spur-royal in’t.
FACE: Ti, ti.
They knew’t, they say.
SUBTLE: Ti, ti, ti, ti. He has more yet.
FACE: Ti, ti-ti-ti. I’ the t’ other pocket?
SUBTLE: Titi, titi, titi, titi.
They must pinch him or he will never confess, they say.
[They pinch him again.]
DAPPER: O, O!
FACE: Nay, pray you, hold. he is her grace’s nephew!
Ti, ti, ti? What care you? Good faith, you shall care. –
Deal plainly, sir, and shame the fairies. Show
40 You are an innocent.
DAPPER: By this good light, I ha’ nothing.
SUBTLE: Ti ti, ti ti to ta. He does equivocate, she says:
Ti, ti do ti, ti ti do, ti da; and swears by the light when he is blinded.
DAPPER: By this good dark, I ha’ nothing but a half-crown of gold about my wrist, that my love gave me; And a leaden heart I wore sin’ she forsook me.
FACE: I thought ’twas something. And would you incur your aunt’s displeasure for these trifles? come, I had rather you had thrown away twenty half-crowns.
[takes it off]
You may wear your leaden heart still. – How now!
SUBTLE [aside]: What news, Dol?
50 DOL COMMON [aside]: Yonder’s your knight, Sir Mammon.
FACE [aside]: God’s lid, we never thought of him till now!
Where is he?
DOL COMMON [aside]: Here, hard by. He’s at the door.
SUBTLE [aside]: And you are not ready now! Dol, get his suit.
[Exit DOL.]
He must not be sent back.
FACE [aside]: O, by no means.
What shall we do with this same puffin here, Now he’s o’ the spit?
SUBTLE [aside]: Why, lay him back awhile,
With some device.
[Re-enter DOL with FACE’s clothes.]
– Ti, tí ti, tí ti ti. Would her Grace speak with me?
I come. – [Aside] Help, Dol!
FACE: - Who’s there? Sir Epicure,
He speaks through the keyhole, the other knocking.
My master’s i’ the way. Please you to walk
60 Three or four turns, but till bis back be turned,
And I am for you. – [Aside] Quickly, Dol!
SUBTLE: Her Grace
Commends her kindly to you, Master Dapper.
DAPPER: I long to see her Grace.
SUBTLE: She now is set At dinner in her bed, and she has sent you From her own private trencher, a dead mouse And a piece of gingerbread, to be merry withal
And stay your stomach, lest you faint with fasting.
Yet if you could hold out till she saw you, she says,
It would be better for you.
FACE: Sir, he shall
70 Hold out, an’t were this two hours, for her Highness;
I can assure you that We will not lose
All we ha’ done. –
SUBTLE: He must nor see, nor speak
To anybody, till then.
FACE: For that we’ll put, sir, A stay in’s mouth.
SUBTLE: Of what?
FACE: Of gingerbread.
Make you it fit. He that hath pleased her Grace
Thus far, shall not now crinkle for a little.–
Gape, sir, and let him fit you.
[They thrust a gag of gingerbread in his mouth.]
SUBTLE [aside]: Where shall we now Bestow him?
DOL COMMON [aside]: I’ the privy.
SUBTLE: Come along, sir, I now must show you Fortune’s privy lodgings.
FACE: Are they perfumed, and his bam ready?
SUBTLE: All; Only the fumigation’s somewhat strong.
FACE [speaking through the keyhole]: Sir Epicure, I am yours, Sir, by and by.
[Exeunt with DAPPER.]
ACT FOUR
[SCENE ONE]
IV,i [Lovewit’s house.
[FACE, disguised as the servant, admits MAMMON.]
[FACE:] O sir, y’ are come i’ the only finest time.–
MAMMON: Where’s Master?
FACE: Now preparing for projection, sir. Your stuff will be all changed shortly.
MAMMON: Into gold?
FACE: To gold and silver, sir.
MAMMON: Silver I care not for.
FACE: Yes, sir, a little to give beggars.
MAMMON: Where’s the lady?
FACE: At hand here. I ha’ told her such brave things o’ you, Touching your bounty and your noble spirit –
MAMMON: Hast thou?
FACE: As she is almost in her fit to see you.–
But, good si
r, no divinity i’ your conference, For fear of putting her in rage.
10 MAMMON: I warrant thee.
FACE: Six men will not hold her down. And then, If the old man should hear or see you -
MAMMON: Fear not.
FACE: The very house, sir, would run mad. you know it, How scrupulous he is, and violent,
’Gainst the least act of sin. Physic or mathematics,
Poetry, state, or bawdry, as I told you,
She will endure, and never startle; but
No word of controversy.
MAMMON: I am schooled, good Ulen.
20 FACE: And you must praise her house, remember that, And her nobility.
MAMMON: Let me alone.
No herald, no, nor antiquary,
Lungs, Shall do it better. Go.
FACE [aside]: Why, this is yet A kind of modern happiness, to have Dol Common for a great lady.
[Exit.]
MAMMON [alone]: Now, Epicure,
Heighten thyself, talk to her all in gold;
Rain her as many showers as Jove did drops
Unto his Danaë; show the god a miser, Compared with Mammon. What! the Stone will do’t
She shall feel gold, taste gold, hear gold, sleep gold;
30 Nay, we will concumbere gold. I will be puissant
And mighty in my talk to her.
[Re-enter FACE with DOL, richly dressed.]
Here she comes.
FACE [aside]: To him, Dol, suckle him. – This is the noble knight I told your ladyship -
MAMMON: Madam, with your pardon,
I kiss your vesture.
DOL COMMON: Sir, I were uncivil
If I would suffer dut; my lip to you, sir.
MAMMON: I hope my Lord your brother be in heakh, lady.
DOL COMMON: My Lord my brother is, though I no lady, sir.
FACE [aside]: Well said, my Guinea-bird.
MAMMON: Right noble madam -
FACE [aside]: O, we shall have most fierce idolatry.
40 MAMMON: ’Tis your prerogative.
DOL COMMON: Rather your courtesy.
MAMMON: Were there nought else t’ enlarge your virtues to me, These answers speak your breeding and your blood.
DOL COMMON: Blood we boast none, sir; a poor baron’s daughter.
MAMMON: Poor! and gat you? Profane not. Had your father
Slept all the happy remnant of his life After the act, lien but there still, and panted,
He’ d done enough to make himself, his issue,
And his posterity noble.
DOL COMMON: Sir, although
We may be said to want the gilt and trappings,
50 The dress of honour, yet we strive to keep
The seeds and the materials.
MAMMON: I do see
The old ingredient, virtue, was not lost,
Nor the drug, money, used to make your compound.
There is a strange nobility i’ your eye,