The Epochracy Files

by Chele Pedersen Smith

  Roxi rushed in when she heard the racket. “Are you hurt?” She helped him up.

  Ed wiggled his rubbery legs, grimacing at the weird sensations, the tub time-staller a perfect alibi. “No, your frilly taste cushioned the fall.”

  “Good,” she said, eyeing him and the situation warily. “Now go get ready. We’ll put this back up later.”

  Edison limped out, hiding a grin.

  The honk of the horn urged Roxi to call, “Honey, he’s here. Need a hand?”

  Ed was still wobbly but his legs were almost alive again as he let his wife help him down to Paul’s Ford Escort. He climbed in, feeling trapped. Now he couldn’t leave when he wanted. No doubt he would get brain-numbingly bored. He knew the drill; he’d nod along like he had a clue while everyone chit-chatted about commodities. The closest he’d ever juggled stocks was playing Pit with his cousins. Yeah, should’ve smuggled out a book.

  “Paul volunteered to be designated driver,” Roxi answered, reading his face. “Isn’t that nice of him? I know with the week I had I sure could loosen up with the wine coolers. And you too, Eddie. Now you won’t have to restrict yourself.”

  “Well, it’s not like I’m a staggering lush for cripe’s sake.”

  Paul cut in, “Don’t worry about it, Eddie. I don’t mind driving, really. Lars lives on the other side of the city. The Earth will thank us for saving gas and if you don’t feel like partaking, you can always join me for a soda.”

  What is he, a saint?

  Paul turned to Roxi. “There’s going to be this new game. I think we’ll need to have our wits about us of we want to play it.”

  Ed groaned. “Let me guess, another trivia tag race?” LaRhonda’s shindigs were always chockful of innovative entertainment.

  “No, I don’t think it’s a quiz, so you’re free from that one,” Roxi assured. “She said she got this especially for today but I didn’t quite get the concept.”

  “Sounded cool to me,” Paul said. “I bet Ed would enjoy it. Do you like parlor games?”

  “”You mean like charades?” Ed yawned. He was right; this was going to be a long day.

  “No, this is really different. I hear it’s better than a 3-D movie.”

  “Oh, I remember now,” Roxi exclaimed. “This is right up your alley, Ed.”

  “Bowling?” Paul chortled, slapping the wheel.

  Yeah, you’re a hoot, Paul. “What is it?” Ed asked.

  “Some kind of fantasy thing,” Roxette shrugged.

  “Wait…you don’t mean Dungeons and Dragons?” The words revived him like a splash of cold water. Still, it was hardly new.

  “I guess,” Roxi conceded. “But don’t get carried away. We’re here to mingle.”

  “Don’t worry, if I’m playing, I’ll be socializing. It’s interactive.”

  “I’m not sure it’s that kind of game,” Paul countered. “No, it sounded more along the lines of an arcade contraption or something. Sounded a little daring.”

  “Excellent!” Ed exclaimed.

  Sometime later, they pulled into LaRhonda’s grassy lot. People in lawn chairs were spread out all over the yard in little clusters. Steaks sizzled on pits reminding Ed he had abandoned his breakfast.

  The Super Hostess spotted them and ran over with a tray of sundried tomato deviled eggs. After greetings and samplings, Roxi followed Lars to find out where to put her food offerings while Paul and Edison followed their gut to the grills. They stuffed down a few franks and made small talk until a colleague pulled Paul away.

  “Hey man, you’re okay, right?” Paul asked. “I’m going to help Lester identify some weeds.”

  Ed shrugged and subtly dipped his head in the ‘it’s-cool-man, I’ll be fine’ nod. He knew Paul would go no matter what. It wasn’t like he was there to hold his hand. When their driver scurried off, Eddie shook his head. Everybody’s friend. What is he, a plant expert too?

  Feeling out of place, Ed scanned the scene. He spied Paul enveloped in a smoky huddle and picked up the blunt scent of Mary Janes. “Ah, not so much the Eagle Scout after all,” he chuckled, a sweet satisfaction seeping in. Ed thought about joining, anything to escape the doldrums. Ha, so much for keeping his mind alert for the dangerous amusement.

  Dragons! In mid-guffaw, Ed threw the last bite of his bun in the pail and went on a quest to find the video machine. He snatched up a can of cream soda along the way and followed the rowdy ruckus into a screened-in patio. Eureka!

  By the time Roxi and LaRhonda found him, Ed had discovered the ‘new game.’

  “Roxette! You gotta see this! It’ll blow your mind!” He rushed over struggling to juggle a humongous gold-leafed edition.

  “Oh Eddie, not another novel! You promised!”

  “This isn’t your everyday book. It’s a live action game!”

  “Like role-playing in the park?” Lars asked.

  “Sorta, except with the real thing. Watch…” Ed opened the binding to a random page and poof! No smoke, no lightning, just— gone.

  Roxi shrieked. “What kind of trick is that?

  “Relax, Rox,” LaRhonda said, calmly stirring her Long Island iced tea. “It’s a harmless toy. I picked it up at a novelty store where I get all my games. It’s the hit of the party.”

  “What kind of toy do you call that? Where’d Ed go?” Feeling faint, Roxi sat down on the cement and dumped out her Amaretto Sour.

  A crowd of guys gathered.

  “Ed simply popped into The World of Magno Magesto,” one named Brett said, hoisting up the larger-than-life hardbound.

  Roxi was befuddled. “He’s in there??” She ducked under the back cover and waved her hand under it. Surely it was just an illusion. But all she felt was air. How could this be?

  “He’s in there good and I wish he’d get back. It’s my turn,” a man named Jim said, looking at his watch.

  ”Who’s this Magno Majest-amacallit?” Roxi asked.

  “Only the greatest wizard since Merlin,” Stan whispered, as if saying it out loud angered the previous.

  “He’s real, this wizard? Or is he some kind of jester?” Roxi inquired. “I’m confused.”

  “Oh, he’s a wizard alright, if you choose wisely. If not, he’s known to prank,” a third player vouched, rubbing his scorching back pockets.

  Roxi gasped. She wasn’t sure how foolish her husband would act, but then again, if anyone knew the kingdom’s idiosyncrasies, it was her Eddie.

  “Is this dangerous?” Rox asked her hostess.

  “No, it can’t be. It’s just pretend, right?” Lars looked around nervously for confirmation.

  “Nah, it’s just great fun,” someone named Rick belched, squeezing a beer can.

  “Fun? Look at his clothes,” Roxi accused, pointing at the charred denim. “He was on fire!”

  “It didn’t hurt,” smoky jeans assured. “It was just itchy like a sparkler.”

  “Does this thing come with disclaimers or anything?” Before anyone could answer, Roxi snatched the book and turned it over. Just then a force burst forth and she dropped it, knocking back on the ground. Ed was back, all rosy and out of breath.

  “Oh, Rox, it was clutch!” he said, helping her up. He sounded like a little boy who just saw caught his first major league baseball.

  Jim grabbed the book and was gone.

  Roxette lured her husband into a lawn chair as LaRhonda ran for water. “What the hell just happened, Eddie? I don’t understand. Nobody disappears into a…book!!”

  “Take a chill pill, will ya? Jim just did. I did, heck a bunch of guys already did.” But her glare didn’t share his amusement. “Honey, this was incredible! Like a dream come true. I don’t know how it works but I got to wear an enamored shield with a retractable mace and Magesto, the wizard, gave me a choice of charms. I chose my favorite, the Gemeny stone because good things mostly happen with it and if you need more defense, you can turn it over and use some dark magic on your enemy, but I didn’t need to.” He was glowing, out of breath and could
tell Roxi was still skeptical. LaRhonda arrived with ice water and he gulped it down with thanks before he continued.

  “And then Magesto had a sack of chores and I reached in to choose my quest. Guess what my job was?”

  “I haven’t the faintest idea,” Rox said weakly.

  “I had to exorcise an elf down in the Perre Derre Forest!”

  “Well, whatever that is, it didn’t take long. You were only gone five minutes.”

  “I know!” Ed bragged. “It was too easy. I mean, how perfect is my task when I just read that very passage this morning?”

  “You what? So you were reading, I knew it!”

  Oops…”Relax, I found it by accident in the bathroom. But that’s nothing compared to the real thing! “

  “How did you come back?” Roxi inquired, curious.

  “Easy. Tell Magesto your quest is complete and he opens the book and voila…I appear!”

  “Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself,” Roxi pouted. “I was very worried.”

  Ed reached over and embraced his wife, something he seldom did anymore. Rox clung on tightly, surprising him further.

  “Hey, could you tell him to let you out if the job becomes too much?” LaRhonda interrupted. She felt responsible. If anything went awry, she didn’t want anyone hurt or… worse.

  “I have a feeling we have to finish what we start. Magno Magesto means business.”

  Lars looked pale and exchanged nervous glances with Ed’s wife.

  “Well, I’m glad you had fun but let’s go play lawn darts,” Roxi said, rising and pulling his sleeve.

  “I can’t; I have to go again. I need a bigger challenge.”

  “Eddie, you and your fantasy world!” she whined. “Don’t you ever get enough?”

  He digested the question but still felt hunger. “No! I gobble up all I can get and this game is the best of all!” He looked at his hostess and then to his wife. “It’s embarrassing to say why but I just have to do it!”

  “Eddie, you don’t have to, you want to. You think it’s fun in some beastly way,” Roxi urged. “But admit it. The real reason is to get away from me, isn’t it?”

  “No, it’s… personal. Business is bleak. And you’re right, I do hide in those books. But it is not to hide from you. It’s because through those quests, I am brave. I am someone, not the dweeb I am in real life. And this game gives me the chance to prove myself.”

  “Oh, Honey, I don’t think you’re a dweeb.” Roxi rushed into his arms. “You’re brave to keep the shop original in the midst of change. I know you do it to honor your father, but he’d understand.”

  Ed wriggled free. “No, it’s not that. It’s just… the inner me. You have this smart job and I’m just a dropout. I need to do something important.” He hung his head, embarrassed. “If I slay a dragon or beat Magesto at higher stakes, it will mean I’m not a loser. It’ll be a start anyway. Wish me luck!” He pecked her cheek, then jogged over to the huddle, horning in on Herb who was next in line. Just as Jim flashed back, Ed parted the pages, dashing off into another dimension.

  Roxi collapsed into the lawn chair, weeping into her hands. “He’s a goner.” LaRhonda patted her shoulders and looked concerned.

  The guys gathered around.

  Jim was dazed by it all. “What’s going on? Why did Ed just zip by?”

  “He’s bogus, that’s what!” Herbie chimed in.

  “He needed a bigger challenge to prove himself. What exactly goes on in there?” Lars asked, regretting her purchase.

  “Oh, I don’t know how to explain it,” Jim began, feeling woozy. He sat down on the grass.

  “Motion sickness,” Rick offered. “It’s a transporter thing.”

  Roxi rose and approached scorchy pants, pulling him up by his preppy collar. “Look, Cory. Tell me what goes on in there or I’ll tell everyone what you do with the Xerox on casual Fridays.”

  A couple of “who hoo’s” and cat calls surfed the crowd.

  Cory gulped. “Okay. It’s no secret, right?” He looked around at the guys who nodded. “Depending on what page you turn, you’re zapped to that setting. I landed on a drawbridge leading to a castle. Like Ed said, Magesto greets you with a sack of chores and a bag of weapons. You reach in. It’s different each time. I just dueled a dwarf. I had the fancy feather, which grants your fancy… get it? So I wished for the swords to skewer the thing.”

  Manly clapping and female gagging punctuated his tale.

  Cory looked around, wondering if he was off the hook.

  “And when that was complete, Merlin let you go home?” Rox asked.

  “Yes,” Cory answered, bug-eyed. “Except it was Magno Magesto, he’s—“

  “Greater than Merlin,” Roxi and Lars recited in unison.

  “But what’s going to happen to Eddie?” Rox asked.

  Jim spoke up. “Uh, we don’t know. None of us has gone back in to challenge Magno.”

  “Some of us never had a chance at round one,” Herb glared.

  “Consider yourself lucky,” LaRhonda snapped.

  “Yeah, there’s no telling what might happen. The wizard might turn his face around and become the jester,” Rick suggested, “And then he’ll get mean.”

  Cory shut him up with an elbow.

  Magesto recognized him at once. “Oh back for more, are you?” he laughed, his cackle curling with evil.

  “Yes, I never get enough,” Ed smugged. “Give me a better mission. The last one was too easy.”

  “Such cockiness can be dangerous,” the great wizard warned. “To play this game, one must be humble.”

  “Ha-ha!” Ed laughed knowingly. “I’m an expert. I’ve read every adventure there ever was!”

  “Very well.” Magno’s mouth twisted as he held up a cloth satchel. “Choose your weapon.”

  “You know the one I want,” Ed inflated. “The Gemeny Stone.”

  Magno Magesto held up the second sack. “Choose your journey.”

  “Tell you what; you choose my chore,” Ed challenged.

  “Ah, ‘tis not a chore. The journey is a treasure, and the treasure is a journey.”

  “Such a sage,” Ed snorted, thinking of Yoda.

  “I am Magno and who are you but a lowly television repairman with too much time to fiddle with the dials.”

  Ed was rattled. “Who told you that?”

  “I am Magno Magesto, the all-knowing. Now chose your quest.”

  “If you’re such a know it all, then give me something you think I won’t know,” Eddie mocked, his eyes sparring.

  “Very well.” The wizard disappeared and lightning lit the clouds.

  All was silent. Too quiet. Ed stood alone, vulnerable with only the Gem in his hand. He didn’t have the smallest inkling what to expect or what job the great Magesto would bestow upon him. Gripping the jewel, he started walking toward the Fluna Forest where the friendly fairy moths lived.

  Paul was right; this would require quick wit. Looking around in the stillness, Ed‘s nerves were chattering. Magno should’ve told him what his mission was. The weirdness reeled him with remorse. Perhaps this wasn’t the wisest idea. Where did he get off thinking he could outsmart the most powerful wizard ever? And he didn’t even have booze to blame for ego puffing.

  He stood a prepared stance in case something charged at him. He ran a list of spells through his head so he wouldn’t be caught off guard. But nothing was happening.

  Of course! Magesto picked the oldest trick in the book.

  “I’m so good! This is even easier than the elf exorcism.” He swaggered a few steps, a sigh of relief escaping his lungs. No sooner had he exhaled, burning breath flickered his forehead. “Whoa…what the —” He jumped back a few steps. “Am I in Hell? “

  Purple irises blinked into his brown ones, the lashes swiping across his specs. For once, Ed was glad he wore glasses. He looked past the scaly head and saw the creature’s large tail wrapped around the peak of Magesto Mountain. That’s when he saw the sign. “Irewood. No hun
ting.”

  Oh, man! What did they do in that book? Flipping through his mind at an incredible speed, he stalled with introductions. “Uh, hello there,” he stammered. “I’m Edison Jones. You must be Paxi. Good to meet you!”

  Was it his imagination or did the Dragon just nod? Embers leaked from Pax’s nostrils, the heat radiating his face. His heart thumped and his throat lumped. Stay calm. If she sensed fear, he would be toast.

  Just in case charm didn’t enchant her, Ed mentally rummaged for other ruses.

  “So, do you, um, by chance know the way out?” His voice altered into a falsetto.

  To his amazement, the gem glowed pink and the dragon retreated, letting him pass. Surveying the rest of her, rainbow scales affirmed she was friendly fire. Still, fire was fire so he had to be careful.

  Accompanied by Pax, he felt a little braver now that he was no longer alone. His stomach rumbled and he realized the adrenaline burned off his fuel. But he wasn’t worried. If all went well, he would be back on Lars’ lawn in no time.

  They traveled a path leading to the Fluna. Going deep into the woods did not seem like a way out. But in the tale, the dragons knew shortcuts through the most ordinary, illogical places. Just as Ed predicted, Paxi stopped in front of a very strange tree. It was so large, it blocked the trail.

  The gnarly knotted groundwork was the widest he had ever seen and each of its six appendages were as thick as a typical trunk. But instead of branching out high, competing for the sky, three limbs tangled to each side curving in an open-armed welcome. Even though unsymmetrical, the arborage reminded him of his family’s menorah. How fitting, considering he was traveling with life’s largest lighter.

  Paxi nudged him forward.

  “Is this a secret passage?” He could easily traipse through but his sidekick not so much.

  Her claws crept him closer to the barked arch and then propelled him into the darkness. He made his way through the foyer of foliage with great care. He could feel stalks slithering around his ankles. At least he hoped it was roots and not snakes. Overhead he had to be wary of hanging obstacles. Rabid rat bats were known to hang in the rafter of leaves. Prodding on blindly for an eternity and a mile, perspiration increased his heart rate and labored breath. He didn’t notice the Gemeny blackening. Suddenly, he felt the sharp welt of a barbed Fiery on his neck, burning its flaming sting.