The Epochracy Files

by Chele Pedersen Smith

  “Son of a sorcerer!” Ed yelped. He slapped his sweaty nape which only embedded the bur more. I thought the Fluna fairies were friendly? As if answering, evil chuckles echoed through the passageway. Magesto! Wincing in pain, he recalled how moonlight tamed the Fieries, and of course, it wasn’t quite twilight yet. Exhaling quickly, he blew out as if the breeze could wisp around and put out the blaze. Suddenly, his ears popped with the piercing screams of Mimi Mammoth moths. Muffling the pandemonium with both hands, he could feel the pressure build as his eardrums rattled, ready to burst like a pane of glass. In agony and the pitch black, the tunnel seemed endless. Ed couldn’t help wonder if the dragoness had deserted him.

  Finally, a cone of light glimmered in the distance. Picking up his pace, he raced to the exit. If he didn’t remove the stinger soon, paralysis would set in.

  Emerging into the emerald green lushness, Ed darted a glance to see if the mothy mob was gaining. Instead he gawked as the goliath trunks transform into a wild elephant trumpeting off in fright, the screaming Mimis fading with it. He took his fingers out of his throbbing ears and was relieved to detect the twinkling hum of Baubles, more commonly known as lightning beads. Despite his discomfort, he watched in fascination as they joined end to end making a string, swinging from twig to twig. Suddenly a swarm swathed his throat and he panicked. Was mesmerizing their strangled victim their defense mechanism? Brilliant!

  He began to struggle but felt a warmness soothe his cervical wound. They were helping!

  “Thank you little guys!” Ed marveled. Then with teambuilding precision, they wrapped around the hook as other strings of sunny soldiers joined forces, attaching to an adjacent stem. Slanted in a taut tilt, they tugged.

  Ouch! Sensing only slight pain, the sound of ripping flesh rippled his stomach. A red and white striped Bauble daubed a dash of filament to clot the cut, then Ed was good as new. He rubbed the back of his neck in gratitude as his gaze followed the rescue mission. The conjoined dots carried the spear, adding to their collection in colorful crepe hives, hidden in the hulls of discarded patio lights. Ah, not so much a Good Samaritan act, but a sting operation to retrieve a weapon.

  Deflated at not being so special after all, Ed couldn’t help but awe their cleverness. He knew Baubles were frugal out of necessity but it only made them more creative. Hiding out in party light covers! He chuckled then stopped, suddenly remembering a party he was missing! Queasy, Ed knew he should be back at LaRhonda’s by now. Roxi must be worried sick. Why did I come back for more? I’m such an idiot, a total loser. I shouldn’t be putting her through this.

  With plugged ears, he put his fingers to his lips and whistled for Pax. He had to get out of here! The dragon did not appear but his one drum cleared with a painful pop. He looked around, bewildered. All he saw was beautiful fauna and a gorgeous waterfall across a pond. The Fluna was supposed to have a flume. Maybe riding it was the way home. He craned his head in all directions but didn’t see it. Logically, it must be in the freefalling water. But how to get to it?

  The forest and the clearing were stock-still silent. Grasping at straws, he decided to go for the big guns.

  “Magesto!” he yelled at the top of his lungs. “I’m ready to go home!” His pride hated to give up, especially so soon, but if surrendering was the ticket, it was worth it. But no one answered or appeared.

  Ed spied a boulder by a stream. Dejected, he sat on the rock to think. He mentally measured the distance to the waterfall. Could he swim over? How deep was it? The merfolk he didn’t mind but he didn’t want to cross paths with a wild pack of OctoSeahorsidines. Even traveling in eights, they became outraged over the slightest fright.

  Forgetting about the gem in his pocket, he sighed, wishing it was just an ordinary day and he was waiting for a bus. A Dragon Hound diesel pulled into a stop. The door opened with a whoosh, startling him. Was home really this easy?

  He bounded aboard and was about to jump into a seat when the driver put out his arm.

  “Token, Sir.”

  “I, uh, don’t have any money, just this stone,” he began.

  “I don’t take rocks, Mac, just cash.” The irritated driver pointed the way out.

  “Okay, hold on.” Ed squeezed the stone until it turned green, then reached into his pocket and found fifty cents.

  The driver shrugged, pointed to the coin box, and closed the doors. With a tired triteness and over-rehearsed tone, he flat lined, “Your wish is my command. Which castle?”

  “What?” Ed’s heart sank. He wasn’t going to Cleveland after all. Imagine wishing for Lake Erie instead of this eerie world I’ve envied all along.

  “Which castle?”

  Ed eyed the driver’s name patch. “Grant, I’m Ed. I haven’t the foggiest idea where to go. To be honest, I was hoping to get back home.”

  The driver grimaced, nodding his courtesy. “Sorry, this realm only.”

  Ed ran his hand through his hair. “Uh, I don’t know… how about the flume?’ he flailed.

  “This aint no amusement park. I do moat to moat drop off only.”

  Ed sighed, slumping into a seat.

  “So where ya going?” the impatient driver snapped again, tapping his foot. A chain of lilies swung from the ignition.

  “Uh.” Ed thunked his head to think, then, Duh! “Magno’s Fortress?”

  “Magno Magesto, as in the big cheese? Are you crazy?” The driver twisted in his seat, facing him. “I’ll warn ya right now, Mac. He doesn’t see visitors. And he won’t sign any books, so you might as well pop that pipedream.”

  “Uh, it’s Ed and no, it’s nothing like that.”

  “That’s what they all say,” Grant grumbled. He started the bus with a lurch, dumping Ed into the aisle.

  “I have unfinished business with him, is all,” Eddie pressed, dusting off his shorts.

  “Oh, rubbing elbows with the great cloaked folks, huh? Well, aren’t you la-di-da,” the driver snickered, lifting a pinky as the bus lumbered on.

  “Believe me, I’m a nobody.” Laying his head back on the cushioned rectangle, he never felt so glum. “I’m not even a fan.”

  Grant eyed him through the rearview mirror. “Not even a fan!” he chuckled with a cackle. “What’s your beef?”

  “It’s not Magesto’s fault; it’s mine,” he sighed. “I was a big headed jerk and thought I could conquer anything in here. Boy, I couldn’t be more wrong than a misdialed number. I just want to get back to my wife.”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “Not even a little. She may be pushy but it’s her gumption I fell in love with.” He sighed. “I actually miss my boring life. Isn’t that rich?”

  “No, I mean about being lost. What’s that rock you tried paying me with?”

  “What, this?’ He pulled out the gem and watched it glow different hues. “It’s a Gemeny. Has powers to do good, but if I need some dark forces for backup, I can…” What do you know? Looks like I have the ruby slippers after all. “Do you know a way this can help?”

  “Perhaps. Hang on, Mac, this is where it gets bumpy.”

  Looking out the smudgy windows to distract himself, the bus bounced over Hilly Springs. Ed decided it would be in his best interest to study the route in case he needed to identify landmarks later. But before he could commit any to memory, the bus stopped.

  “Watch your step and enjoy your stay.” Grant opened the doors with a hydraulic hiss.

  “Thanks, but I’m trying to leave,” Ed reminded him as he sprinted down the steps. He looked around, flabbergasted. He turned back at Grant. “What the hell, Mac? I’m back at the forest clearing?”

  “Not exactly.” The bus driver pointed toward overflowing greenery and Ed’s eyes followed. “Walk through that flopping fruit tree. When the gem turns glacier blue, it will take you where you asked to go in the first place.” Closing the door, Grant tossed the words “Good luck” between the gaps.

  “What if the stone doesn’t turn?” Ed asked, looking back. But the
bus was gone.

  With a big sigh, Ed ran over to the overgrown orchard of one. Except for the difference in trees, he could swear this was the field where he caught his ride. It looked exactly the same, just opposite.

  Could this be the mirror mirage? If so, it might mean he was closer to finding his way out.

  He mustered courage and was about to step through when his stomach kicked him from the inside. His head fuzzy from lack of fuel, he suddenly felt paper thin. Frantic with hunger, he hunted through the branches for an apple, pear, anything. Wasn’t it supposed to bear a bounty? But his harvesting came up empty. Well, that was fruitless. Fading fast, he scanned his surroundings for something edible but only one source stood out—mushrooms.

  “Irony,” he dished with disdain. He always picked them off his pizza, salads, and anywhere else they reared their ugly heads. Now the masses were mocking him. Realizing the weird world he was in, even his evaporating brain power knew they were likely no ordinary ‘shrooms.

  Investigating closer, he noted long beige stems with darker domed, dotted tops. A child’s cartoon came to mind and he wondered if they housed little blue beings. Were these noshable notions? If so, how? Edison didn’t want to disturb nature. Not only did he fear repercussions, he despised the earthy taste of root vegetation. But famished with dwindling energy, he had no choice but to pull one up. Bracing himself for shattering shrieks or an attack of fungus fever, the spongy spore loosened without protest. Ed had an aversion to texture and the thought of its fibrous flesh repulsed him. Maybe if it was roasted? Too bad Paxi wasn’t here. With no means of fire in sight, faith fled until he felt a warmness in his pocket. The gem can cook?

  Eddie hovered the jewel over the porous eukaryote and it began to shrivel, darkening with a delicious crust. Still not thrilled to eat it, he reverted to his old trick of surviving liver dinners as a kid. I’ll pretend it’s a steak and I’ll be fine. Since there wasn’t any A-1 Steak Sauce in the Fluna Forest, mind games would have to do. Just as he was about to chow down, Ed was holding a pricey Porterhouse in his palm. “Ex!” he exclaimed, not believing his luck. “Better yet.”

  Chewing over logistics, he first assumed the meat materialized from the gem’s power, but then he mulled the magic of the mirage meadow as a greater possibility. No matter the giver, he wasn’t one to snub a gift steak in the mouth so he tore at the charred meat with his carnivorous canines. Polishing off his portion like a savage, he savored the flavor filling his stomach. Barbaric came to mind and a ping of homesickness stabbed his heart. This was no cookout to enjoy, but he did have to get back to one.

  With renewed vigor, he wiped his hands on the grass and stood, clapping his hands together to bring on the courage. What would be on the other side of that drooping hedge?

  He took a few steps before wooziness wormed in. “Odd,” he thought. Surely the enzymes were replenishing his sugar levels by now. Blinking, he tried clearing his head as the field distorted. “Please keep all hands, arms, legs and amphibians inside the ride at all times,” Ed spieled, spilling onto the grass until the roller-coaster came to a complete halt.

  Tilting on the toadstools’ level, Ed was fascinated by frogs leaping forth. He reached for a hopper but noticed his limbs were paralyzed. Trying to speak, he found his brain had limited function, too. Shoulda known better than to eat a mushroom. Or was this a barbed effect? He finally spat out, “This… place… is for.. th-the birds!”

  “No, it’s for the frogs,” croaked the biggest jumper he’d ever seen. It was wearing a crown of lilies.

  “I..must…be…dr-dreaming.” His mouth dry as cotton, he smacked his parched lips, desperate for a drink.

  “No, you are fully awake, sir. You are having a phantasm. “

  Why wasn’t that as pleasant as it sounded? ”But…” he struggled to find the word he wanted. “Why… am I… having th-these del-usions?”

  And why am I talking to a frog king?

  “It’s food for thought.” The great greenness groused, bubbling his chin.

  “What does that mean?”

  “You consumed a morel. I hope you learned your lesson.”

  “What?”

  Without further ado, his highness hopped away.

  “Come back!” Ed’s voice trailed. He tried to decipher the riddle but could not comprehend a thing. How he managed to think or spew out words at all was a puzzle in itself. My brain must be on auto-pilot.

  Even so, nothing made sense. He felt like Alice in Wonderland. Great, I will die here. Reimbursement for arrogance, I suppose. He closed his eyes. He was tucked in a cozy drowsiness and gave in to it. Might as well let nature take its course and stop this nonsense. And with that, he fell into a comfortable slumber.

  After some time, a poking awoke him. Cushioned by the cool blades of glass, joyful jots flooded his body. He had passed out at the party! It was a simple as that. Whew…all this was an awful dream. “Roxi!”

  Instead, a glistening green-warted blob plopped inches from his face.

  “Oh… you…” Edison’s hopes took a nose dive. He noticed an emerald army of avocados right behind him, bumpy and misshapen chaps all holding out tiny, yellow blossoms. When they approached closer, he saw it was a ribbeting brigade.

  The flowery infantry surrounded him. Unless he was suddenly allergic, the blooms were hardly a threat. They must be the good guys! One by one they offered an overflowing buttercup. He sniffed the sweetness, his thirst begging but he was too wary of any offerings from this place.

  “Go ahead,” the commanding king urged. “It’s nectar, an antidote.”

  The budding crown looked out of place on this guy, the Big Cheese…wait, something about that phrase was familiar. Inside his loopy mind, Ed flipped through his sluggish files, travel records waning in and out. Something about a bus…

  “I don’t trust anything here,” Ed finally pieced together, but as soon his mouth opened, the amphib tipped the petals and juice flowed onto his tongue. Delicious! But at what cost?

  Logic came into play with each offering and muscle movement returned. The fogginess faded and the field righted itself. “Thanks, uh...”

  “Anura,” said the coroneted croaker.

  “I’m Ed,” he said, sitting up and shaking its tiny webbed paddle.

  “Oh I know who you are.” A titter taunted him; a laugh he was sure he heard before.

  “You do?” He studied the critter. Something seemed off.

  “Yes, you are quite a legend around here,” the anuran answered. “No one has ever been foolish to come back to defy the odds.”

  “How do frogs know?”

  “Oh, ever-r-r-ry one knows,” the toad hiccupped.

  Pushing up and assessing his steps, Ed stood, finally piecing it all together. “Because, you’re the one I’ve been looking for!”

  The warty warlock backed up warily and his eyes twitched, brows huddled in worry—if amphibians had brows.

  Saying it aloud, the idea was absurd, but he continued, testing his theory anyway.

  “Magesto!”

  Ed spooked out the name and like a spell, the brood bolted. In the lead, Anura‘s long legs jumped such a great distance, Mark Twain would’ve been wowed. Ambling toward the sagging shrubbery with his followers close behind, the chase was on.

  Ed galloped behind the great green army. His size didn’t have the advantage he counted on since their meaty quadriceps were built for fast vastness. The only exercise Ed got lately was turning pages.

  Gasping for air and threading through the flowing vines, he kept a careful eye on the Gemeny, recalling his tour guide’s guidance. As he passed through the umbrella of leaves, the icy blue glow signaled a cool change and Edison emerged through a refreshing cascade of water. Forgetting the footrace, he lingered in the falls, letting the revitalizing aquatics wash over him. The place was an oasis. Stepping stones lined the fountain and lily pads were placed in a decorative manner.

  Roxi would love the style. Another ping! Would he ever see he
r again? Holding his heart, his eyes fell on frolicking fun springing from mat to mat and he grinned in spite of himself. Was the regal El Leapo really the great Magesto? Seemed unlikely now, but then why run? Were they escaping him or scampering in fear of the wizard’s name?

  Plopping down on a smooth stone segment, he didn’t know what to do next or what he expected to see once he got here. Magno ruling him with ridicule? Paxi slurping from the pond? A ladder to climb his way out? Now that the food and shower revived him, maybe he could think more clearly.

  As the protein and other nutrients registered in his brain, Ed’s thought process was reenacted. What had the bus driver said? He was where he first asked to go and had what he needed all along. What did that mean? He figured out the gem’s use but why did the bus driver bring him back here? After meandering through a maze of memory, Ed remembered. The flume. He was sure it was in the falls but now that he was in the spray, he didn’t see a drop off. Even if there was one, where did he think it would lead? Ah, yes, a similar scenario played out in the books he knew so well, giving a lift to a lost soul, looping back to the beginning of his journey.

  Deep in his pockets, he pondered his next move. The gem was still ice cold. What’s that stone you tried paying me with? The words echoed through a prism steaming off the falls. Eddie focused his eyes hard through the sprinkling slats. He expected to see the cranky chauffeur emerge but all he saw was a faint rainbow tinge.

  He’s telling me something. A lily pad lit up lime green and he hopscotched his way over. Would it hold his weight? He stepped on it gingerly and it supported him like a float. Now in the middle of the stream, he felt centered too.

  Hey…why didn’t I think of this before? Balancing, he cupped the jewel with both hands and shouted, “Gemeny, I want to go home!” Bracing himself for topsy-turvy transporting, he held his stomach. Closing his eyes, he felt a strong breeze and his mind dizzied. A smile spread across his face. This is it. I will be hugging Roxi in no time.