The lights were on in Mark’s office and the door was unlocked, so John took a deep breath and opened the door.
“I don’t know why you refused to go to the emergency room, John, but I’m glad you agreed to see me.” Mark shook his hand and directed him down the hall. “But if I find anything at all, I’m admitting you to the hospital and you’re going, understand?”
“We’ll see.” John sat on the examining table and stripped off his shirt as ordered. “I don’t think it’s anything, really. No crushing weight, no sweating, no jaw or arm pain. Just this nagging pain in my chest, and I don’t have as much stamina as I used to.”
Mark listened to his heart and lungs, took his blood pressure and pulse, palpated his abdomen, and poked and prodded until John finally began to understand why his own patients waited so long to see him. It was annoying and a little nerve-wracking, especially when Mark frowned but didn’t share his thoughts.
“I’m going to do an EKG and draw some blood. This is when you’re going to wish you’d gone to the ER, because they’re a lot better at finding the veins than I am.”
Mark grinned, but John could see the concern in his expression. It was a relief in some ways to know the pains weren’t his imagination, but he wished he wasn’t alone in this. If he’d told Susan, she’d be by his side, keeping his spirits up with jokes and stories. She would care if he lived or died.
But he’d walked out on the best thing in his life, and it was too late to go back.
“I’m admitting you,” Mark said a few minutes later. “You’re not having a heart attack, but there’s something going on and we need to figure out what. I took the liberty of calling Cooper and he and Nancy will be here soon.”
“I wish you hadn’t done that, Mark.” John should be furious with him, but he was too tired to argue further.
“They needed to know. Put your shirt back on and let’s go get you checked in.” Mark helped him off the table and steadied him when a wave of dizziness rocked him. “I’d say the sooner, the better.”
Still half-asleep, Susan slowly stretched and reached for John. She came fully awake when she realized he wasn’t in the bed. She padded naked into the bathroom and climbed into the shower, hoping he’d join her.
When he didn’t, she dressed quickly and went looking for him. She checked the house and the backyard, not worried until she didn’t find him either place. With her heart in her throat, she looked out the front window. His truck was gone.
Maybe he’d gone to get them something to eat. She tried his cell phone, but it went straight to voicemail. She left a message, then tried again. Still no answer. Susan looked for a note, but found nothing.
How could he leave without even a note? She knew him, knew the kind of man he was. Had she scared him away when she whispered I love you as she fell asleep?
Susan went through the motions of fixing dinner, making enough for two just in case John returned. She pushed her food around on her plate, but she had no appetite. With a glass of wine in hand, she retreated to the patio and sat looking out at the water. Today never should have happened. Having John in her life, however she could get him, was more important that pushing him into a relationship he obviously didn’t want.
If she could go back and undo the damage, she would. But he wouldn’t even answer his phone, or any of the half-dozen text messages she’d sent. She thought about calling Nancy Saunders, but what would she say? Have you seen the man I scared away today? She’d have to admit to what she’d done, and she didn’t want to lose Nancy’s respect.
Instead, she sat on the patio until the sun set, the moon and stars came out, and lights in the houses around her blinked off, one by one. Then she went to bed and cried herself to sleep.
“You’re probably not going to like my diagnosis,” Mark said.
John buttoned his shirt and took a deep breath. “Blockage? Aneurysm? What?
Mark shook his head. “Nope, none of those, thank goodness. I won’t get all the test results back for a few more hours yet, but at the moment it looks like you had a panic attack.”
“That’s for women. Last I looked I wasn’t one.” John snorted. “Seriously, I can take it. What’s the real problem?”
“I’m not kidding. We checked your heart six ways to Sunday, John. There isn’t a single problem with it. Other than being dehydrated, exhausted, and stressed out, you’re healthier than most of my younger patients. And panic attacks can strike anyone when they’re under stress. The symptoms can mimic a heart attack, angina, even a pulmonary embolism.”
John felt deflated. He’d rather have something he could fix with surgery or medication. At least then, people took you seriously. “If you tell Cooper about this, I swear…”
Mark chuckled. “Relax. It’s our secret, not that it’s anything to be ashamed of. Your body was in a flight or fight situation for some reason. At least the treatment isn’t too bad. I’ll give you some anti-anxiety meds to take if you experience symptoms again, and I suggest you learn some stress-relief techniques and maybe schedule a few sessions with Jean. Talking things out sometimes helps.”
“I’ll be fine. It was probably the stress of the job change. Making the decision to leave the rodeo was a tough one.” That and the whole situation with Susan, but John didn’t share that thought with Mark.
“You could be right. I’m just glad it wasn’t more serious. Driving all the way from Amarillo with chest pains was pretty dumb, especially for a doctor.”
“Yeah, I know. But if I’d had more severe symptoms, I would have stopped.”
“If you didn’t crash first.” Mark handed John a prescription and his discharge papers. “Unless something shows up in those other tests, I’d like to see you in a month or so, just to be sure everything is still okay. After that, I think we should set you up for a check-up every six months, considering your history.”
John nodded. “I can do that. Thanks, Mark.”
“You’re welcome. Be sure to let me know what story you make up for Cooper so I can back you up.”
John grinned. “Will do.”
What was he going to tell Cooper? Panic attack. What a wimp he was.
Cooper and Nancy were waiting in the lobby. Nancy came over and kissed his cheek. “You gave us a pretty good scare. What did Mark say?”
“I’m fine. It was just stress. Hopefully this life change will take care of the problem.”
“We need to get you set up with an exercise program,” Nancy said. “It’s a great stress reliever. You can use the gym at the ranch anytime you want to. The pool, too.”
“Thanks. That sounds like a good plan.”
“Staying with us will be good for you. Mandy’s learned a lot about cooking healthier meals and she’s making sure we’re all eating better.”
“Until I find a place of my own, I’m sure I’ll eat most of my meals at the ranch.” John climbed into the back seat of Cooper’s crew cab truck. “Any word from the real estate agent, Cooper?”
“Yeah, she called this morning. The place behind Nick and Jean went up for sale. Forty acres, full mineral rights, already fenced and cross-fenced. There’s a house on the property, but it could use some renovations. We can stop by and take a look on the way home if you feel up to it.”
“Definitely. As much as I appreciate your hospitality, I like my privacy. I’m pretty used to living alone and I’m too old to change now.”
The place definitely needed some fixing up, but that helped keep the price low enough to be a really good deal. The house had good bones, but the last owner had neglected some basic maintenance and the kitchen was a mess. Working on it would take all his spare time, but that would be good for him. Exercise, something to keep his mind off what he’d left behind—sounded like just what the doctor ordered.
John called the realtor and told her to put in an offer for ten thousand less than the asking price. His hands already itched to get started. He took some pictures with his phone and, once he settled in at the Triple S, he
made a list of the most important renovations. He could take his time on some things, but the roof had to be replaced, the carpet had to go, and that kitchen needed a total redesign.
“You should bring Susan down to see the house,” Nancy said. “She’d probably have some great ideas for fixing up that kitchen.”
John just nodded. “Yes, she probably would.” The emptiness closed in, leaving him exhausted. “I think I should go to bed.”
When Dillon died on the back of that bull, John was there. When Susan had to tell her young children that daddy had gone to Heaven, John was there. When she stood over Dillon’s grave, John was there.
He was there to help her deal with the devastating grief, to get through that first awful Christmas, through her anniversary, through the next Christmas. He was there to help her figure out how she could survive without her husband. He was there to help the children as they dealt with their own grief.
Through it all, John was there. And then he was gone. No note, no phone call, no apology. He’d simply disappeared from her life.
Susan didn’t know what hurt more; the fact that he didn’t care enough to say goodbye, or that he didn’t trust her enough to tell her why. She thought he was her friend, but friends didn’t abandon you, leave you alone to deal with your grief. They stood by you, helped you through it.
She needed him now, more than ever, and he wasn’t there.
After a week of her calls going unanswered, Susan finally admitted to herself that it was over. Unless he’d gotten into an accident and developed amnesia, there was no other reason for John to ignore her calls. After a month, she began to really worry. She could call Nancy, but she didn’t want to risk their friendship. If John didn’t want to talk to her and Nancy knew where he was, calling her might force her to lie.
At two months, Susan began to panic. She needed to talk to him, but he’d changed his number. She no longer got his voicemail, but instead got a message that the number was no longer in service.
At three months, she gave up. It was time to accept reality and figure out what her future without John was going to be. School was back in session, her days filled with kids and lesson plans and grading. Christy had joined a soccer team, so the afternoons and evenings were busy with practices followed by homework, baths, and bedtime stories.
She was so busy, she managed to forget about John for a few minutes at a time. Her newly-complicated situation, however, was never far from her mind.
How could she have been so careless? She was thirty years old, not some clueless teenager. And John. John was a doctor. Of all people, he should have been more responsible. But she couldn’t change what had happened any more than she could change the fact that she was three months pregnant with his child and she couldn’t reach him to tell him.
She disguised her pregnancy for as long as possible with baggy shirts and loose jeans. By Thanksgiving she knew she’d have to tell her parents. She sympathized with those clueless teenagers then. Her mother was dismayed and her father was furious—with John, not her. But that didn’t change the fact that she would need their help if she was going to keep the baby.
There was never any question about that, at least not for Susan. This was her child, a child conceived in love—on her part, anyway. Things might be hard, but she had the money in the trust fund she could use if she had to. She’d take a sabbatical from school beginning in March. By the following September, the baby would be six months old. Old enough for day care. She might end up even more exhausted and sleep-deprived than she already was, but they would survive on their own.
They simply didn’t have any other choice.
Chapter Four
John pulled into the driveway of the Triple S, grabbed his medical bag, and hopped from the truck. He wasn’t sure what to expect since Nancy had only said Cooper needed him at the ranch right away. John didn’t know if Cooper was injured, if something had happened to one of the kids, or if a ranch hand or student had been hurt.
He’d been working for Cooper for six months now, and working on his new home in his spare time. He’d been painting the kitchen when Nancy called. The renovations were almost complete, and now he had too much free time on his hands. Too much time to think.
He wondered if Susan ever thought of him, or if she’d moved on and found someone else.
He shook his head to clear his thoughts and knocked on the door. Cooper swung the door wide. “Come on in. We’ve had a small accident out in the bunkhouse. One of the students had a little too much to drink and fell out of the top bunk.”
Cooper ran a rodeo school in between the ranch’s hippotherapy camps. He’d had to retire from bull riding after an accident left him in a wheelchair for several months. Hippotherapy used horses to help injured patients relearn the motions involved in walking and Cooper had become so intrigued by the idea that he’d started the camps to help others, including himself and his adopted daughter, Becky.
John followed Cooper through the main room of the ranch house, out the back door, and across the yard to the bunkhouse. Inside, a group of students stood around a young man lying on the floor. “How long ago did he fall?” John asked.
“About ten minutes ago, I guess. Not long before Nancy called you.” Cooper motioned Blake Kaufman over. “Blake, tell Doc what happened.”
John smiled. Everyone at the ranch called him Doc, a holdover from their rodeo days when he’d tended to their broken arms, sprained shoulders, and busted ribs. Bull riding was a risky business. Sometimes he missed hearing Susan say his name, though.
“Not much to tell. One minute he was in his bunk, moaning about the room spinning, and the next he was on the floor, out cold. I guess he hit his head.”
Doc knelt beside the young man and raised his eyelids, flashing a light in his eyes to check his pupil reaction. He checked the vital signs, expecting the boy to wake up at any moment. When he didn’t, Doc looked up at Cooper. “Call an ambulance. We need to get him to the hospital.”
“It’s already on the way,” Cooper said.
“Good. It may be nothing more than a concussion, but we don’t want to take chances.”
The ambulance arrived and after the boy was loaded and on his way to the hospital, Cooper followed John out to his truck. “Mind if I ride along to the hospital?”
“No. Hop in.”
Doc pulled onto the highway. He could see the lights of the ambulance in the distance. “Have you contacted the boy’s parents?” he asked.
“Yeah, they’re on their way up. His name is Max Jenson, and he’s only twenty-two. Been riding bulls on the circuit for a couple of years.” Cooper shook his head. “Damned shame. I sure hope he’s going to be okay.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Speaking of okay, have you talked to Susan lately? We haven’t heard from her in months.”
Doc didn’t want to talk about Susan, so he only shook his head.
“Have you talked to her at all since you moved here?”
“No. I’ve been busy, she’s busy. It’s not like we used to talk every day. She has her own life and I have mine.” It was only a half-truth. They used to talk several times a week. He missed those late-night calls, where Susan kept him up to date on the kids, her job, and her life in general. He’d changed his phone carrier when he moved and on an impulse he’d chosen to get a new number. He regretted that now, but she’d called him a dozen times before he shut off the old service, leaving messages, asking why he’d left without a word.
He couldn’t answer that question, even for himself. How could he answer it for her?
“Do you think she still has the same phone number?” Cooper was beginning to sound exasperated with Doc’s lack of information.
“I have no idea.” Doc hadn’t tried to call her since the day he’d slipped away while she slept. He knew that was wrong, but he had no idea how to go back and undo the damage he’d done.
“What happened to you two, anyway? You never said. One minute we expected a wedding invitat
ion and the next you acted like she didn’t exist.”
“Nothing happened. We never had that kind of relationship. We were just friends. It was time for me to move on, that’s all.” Doc changed the subject. “Speaking of Christmas, what can I get for Becky and Carey?”
Cooper chuckled. “Were we speaking of Christmas? I must have missed that. Don’t worry about buying presents for the kids. Those two have so many toys they can barely move around in their rooms. Their closets are stuffed with clothes, and they definitely don’t need any more stuffed animals. Just having you there for Christmas will be enough.”
“I’ll definitely be there. I wasn’t looking forward to spending Christmas alone.” That was an understatement. He’d spent the past few Christmases with Susan and the kids. He’d loved watching the kids’ eyes light up with excitement as they ripped the brightly-colored paper from their packages. He wondered if they’d miss him this year.
“Nancy told me to remind you about our big New Year’s Eve party, too. She booked that band we heard last year at the rodeo ball up in Wichita Falls. She’s going all out this year, and she’d really like you to be there.”
“I’ll try. I promised my brother I’d come up for dinner on Sunday.”
Cooper nodded. “I understand, but the party is Friday night so that should give you plenty of time.”
“I still have no idea about a costume,” John said. “Especially one that would keep my identity a secret. That’s what she wants, right?”
“Yeah. She has a contest planned with a grand prize for whoever can remain anonymous until the big reveal at midnight.” Cooper grinned. “You’ll figure something out.”
The third Christmas in what she now thought of as A.D.—after Dillon—was well underway. The kids had opened their gifts quietly, feeling John’s loss as much as their father’s. They’d come to depend on John like she had. They’d asked her a hundred times if she did something to make him go away. She knew in the back of their minds they probably wondered if she’d made their father go away, as well.
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