Seeking Solace

by Ari McKay

  Ever since he’d gotten home, Devin had done little else but go over every moment he’d spent with Paul, trying to figure out how he hadn’t realized Paul was hiding something so fundamental. He didn’t doubt Paul had been traveling under a different name so he could inspect the Pearl and its staff without being deferred to, as he would have been if he’d come aboard as the man who was going to step into his father’s shoes. Devin didn’t fault Paul at all for the initial deception; what he was having a hard time coping with was Paul hadn’t told him after they’d become lovers. Surely Paul would have known Devin might have been surprised, but it wouldn’t have made a difference in how Devin felt about him. It still didn’t—Devin was still in love with Paul, had lost his heart that first morning in Jamaica when Paul returned to the room with two pairs of shorts and showed Devin he wanted to take his life back. How could Devin not fall in love with that much courage and strength? He knew Paul hadn’t been faking his vulnerability and self-consciousness about the scars on his body and his missing leg. But how could Paul have thought Devin could accept him as being no less a man for his disability, but believed Devin wouldn’t be able to handle the truth about his identity?

  Even worse, it reminded Devin all too much of the situation he’d faced with his former boyfriend. Not that Brad had been like Paul on the surface, but Devin had been totally besotted, and he’d thought Brad had been just as enamored of him. Nothing Brad had done had given Devin the slightest clue that things weren’t exactly as they had seemed. It had taken him accidentally overhearing a conversation to learn the truth, and it was a truth that had hurt more than Devin had thought possible. That anyone—much less someone who professed to love him—could have used Devin as a way to shock his conservative parents was devastating. Having been duped once, Devin thought he was too smart to be played like that again. Even now, he didn’t want to believe Paul had been no better than Brad, but he was hurting so badly, he didn’t know what to do. Was it better to believe Paul had duped him and find a way to heal? How much worse would it be to find out Paul hadn’t been playing him, and Devin had wrecked things by running away? What should he do? What could he do?

  There were no answers, and likely there never would be. Devin had blocked Paul’s number. It was a coward’s reaction, he knew, but he couldn’t bear to hear Paul’s voice over the phone. It would break him if Paul thanked him for everything, apologized for anything he’d done to hurt Devin, and said he hoped Devin would be happy in his new job, which was no doubt what Paul thought Devin wanted. Or, even worse, maybe Paul hadn’t even tried to call him, figuring the offer of the promotion spoke for itself. Sure, they’d talked about Paul coming to Buffalo Lick, but Devin didn’t think it was what Paul really wanted to do. Back to reality. Paul had said those words himself that last morning. If he’d wanted to tell Devin who he was, he could have done it then. But Paul had been silent and let Kate break the news. He had to have known Kate would come clean when she told Devin about the promotion, since Paul had okayed it as the man in charge.

  That was the part that hurt most. Paul had been all for Devin taking the position in the Pearl’s kitchen. Kate had said Paul had thought it was a terrific idea. It would involve Devin signing a contract that would keep him at sea for months on a ship whose home port was halfway across the country from where Paul lived. Surely if Paul had meant things between them to continue, he would have told Kate something different? Maybe that he was thinking of offering Devin a position on a different ship? Or maybe he would have told Kate that he and Devin had something discuss before she made the offer?

  In retrospect, Paul’s insistence that no one on the ship know they were involved seemed more like a cover-up for Paul’s involvement with an employee than a protection for Devin against gossip for being involved with someone higher up the corporate ladder.

  Part of Devin didn’t want to believe any of it could be true; he knew Paul and had fallen for the Paul who was willing to trust him, to let Devin see his uncertainty and to let Devin in, to accept Devin’s help in regaining all the things his accident had stolen from him. And yet… if Paul trusted him that much, wouldn’t he have told Devin the truth? How could Devin know if the Paul he’d fallen in love with was the real man or just the parts of himself Paul had been willing to share? Just because Paul had let Devin far enough in to help him heal didn’t mean Paul was willing to hand Devin his heart.

  As the days passed, it seemed likely Devin would never know. He’d already decided to call Kate and turn down the promotion. He couldn’t go back to the Pearl—the ship was now haunted for him by the ghost of what he’d lost. Or maybe it was more truthful to say it was the ghost of what he’d never had in the first place.

  He heard the phone ring out in the living room, heard his mother answer it. He tensed automatically, as he’d done every time the phone rang, but the tone of his mother’s voice held pleasure, so it had to be someone she knew. It wasn’t Paul calling. No doubt Paul had already moved on.

  Devin drew in a breath, telling himself the thought was unworthy. Paul wasn’t a monster. Paul hadn’t made him any promises, after all, and might even wonder why Devin felt so betrayed. The biggest saving grace was that Paul didn’t know Devin had fallen in love with him. The thought was both a torment and a relief, since it meant Devin didn’t feel completely pathetic.

  There was a soft knock at his door. “Devin? Your cousin Liam’s on the phone. Would you like to talk to him?”

  Liam was several years older than Devin, but they’d kept in touch via email after Liam moved to New York City with dreams of taking the culinary world by storm. Devin shared Liam’s passion for cooking, and so they emailed each other several times a month. Liam told Devin all about New York, and Devin related his experiences in culinary school and, later, his delight in the things he’d found in the Caribbean. Devin’s father and Liam’s father were brothers, and Liam had a fondness for Devin’s mother, Mihoni, who had shared recipes with him and helped teach him how to cook. But Devin hadn’t talked to or seen Liam in person for a couple of years, and he wondered why his cousin wanted to speak to him now.

  “Sure, Mom,” he replied. He rose to his feet and crossed to open the door. Mihoni Walker smiled up at him, though he could read the concern in her dark eyes. She hadn’t demanded explanations from him, simply accepted his return home, feeding him and coddling him as her only son, just as she always had.

  “He said it must be providence that you’re home,” his mother said as she handed him the phone.

  Devin raised a brow but took the phone. “Hey, Liam. How are things going?”

  “Going great, actually.” Liam had lost a lot of his Texas twang over the years. Most of it was due to his time in New York, but Liam had been in North Carolina for the past couple of years, having fallen in love with a resort owner and turned his back on the madhouse of New York City. “The resort is doing great, and the restaurant I’ve opened in Maggie Valley is really taking off. But I’m stretched a bit thinner than I’d like, since Rocky is still in culinary school. I called Beau to find out if I could steal Earl Jr. from him for the summer to help out, but Beau said you’re back from your adventures at sea. Have any interest in coming to North Carolina for a few months and giving me a hand?”

  Even though Devin had decided he wasn’t going back to Triton, he hadn’t given much thought to what he was going to do with his life now that his plans had changed. He could probably get a recommendation from Kate and take a position on a different cruise line, but he rejected the idea as soon as it formed. It was better to do something completely different.

  “You know, I think that might work out well for me, Liam,” Devin said slowly. “Can you give me a couple of days to think about it?”

  “Of course.” Liam sounded pleased. “You’d be getting me out of a pinch. Not to mention saving Beau’s marriage. I heard Jake yelling in the background about how I’d get Earl Jr. over his dead body, but I’m not above blackmailing Beau with telling his mama about him
breaking that crystal vase his daddy brought her from Dallas.”

  That startled a chuckle out of Devin—the first time he’d felt anything like amusement in days. His family was something else, and he loved every one of them. All the cousins shared secrets and threatened each other with carrying tales to parents about the shit they’d done as kids, but the reality was that every one of them would stand up for all the others, come hell or high water.

  “I wouldn’t want to be responsible for reopening the Walker-Parnell feud,” he replied. “I’ll call you at the end of the week, okay? I want to talk to my folks about a few things.”

  “I’ll hold you to that,” Liam said. “Thanks, cuz. Bye!”

  After ending the call, Devin looked down at the phone without seeing it. He wasn’t sure if going to North Carolina would be a solution for his problems or just an escape. But maybe it didn’t matter. No matter where he was, Paul wouldn’t be there.

  But at least if he went, he’d be doing something other than moping around the house and worrying his mother. Both his parents knew something was wrong, but they accepted that he needed time. His mother knew he’d come to her with his problems eventually, just as he always had, and no matter what had happened, no matter what he’d done, she’d always accepted him with unconditional love.

  Drawing in a deep breath, he opened his bedroom door. No matter how much it hurt, it was time he tried to find a way to go on.

  Chapter Thirteen

  PAUL pulled into a parking spot across the street from Walker’s Barbecue Shack and got out of the rental car to take a look around Buffalo Lick, Texas. The restaurant was located on Main Street, which seemed to be the heart of the small town. The street was lined with shops and restaurants on both sides, and most of them had colorful awnings to protect pedestrians from the sun.

  He walked to the crosswalk at the corner, and as he approached the Shack, he caught the scent of tangy barbecue sauce and cooking meat wafting through the screen door. Despite the tempting aromas, he couldn’t think about eating; his stomach was one massive knot of anxiety, and he had second-guessed his decision to look for Devin all the way here.

  Over a week had passed since the cruise ended, and Devin hadn’t contacted him. Paul hadn’t tried to call or text since the first night, wanting to give Devin space. Even now, he wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing. Devin hadn’t been in touch, which meant Devin didn’t want to talk to him, and Paul thought maybe he’d seem creepy or pushy by forcing a conversation that Devin didn’t want to have.

  On the other hand, Devin had ghosted on him without having all the facts, and Paul hoped perhaps hearing his explanation would make a difference. If nothing else, it would give them both closure, and if Devin still didn’t want anything to do with him, he’d return to Charleston on the next available flight and consider this chapter of his life officially finished no matter how much it hurt.

  The screen door creaked when Paul pushed it open and hit the wood frame behind him with a loud thunk, but no one in the dining room paid it any mind. There were more customers than Paul expected for midafternoon, but it wasn’t packed. A classic country song was playing on the sound system, and Paul thought the music fit the rustic western decor perfectly. He looked around, half expecting to see a set of longhorn horns mounted on the wall, and he was a little disappointed when there weren’t.

  He took a seat at the counter, and a young dark-haired woman approached him, pulling a pad and pen out of the pocket of her apron, which also displayed her name tag: Alice.

  “What can I get you?”

  “Iced tea, please,” Paul said. He couldn’t handle any food, but he felt bad about not ordering something. “Also, is Beau Walker available?”

  Alice gave him a sharp appraising look, but he must not have looked like a suspicious character because she nodded. “He’s in the kitchen. Can I tell him what this is about?”

  “It’s personal,” Paul said, picking at the edge of the rolled-up paper napkin at his place setting.

  “Look, I know he’s hot, but no, he hasn’t broken up with the guy he talked about at the end of the show.” Alice gave him a long-suffering look. “In fact, him and Jake are married now. Sorry.”

  “What?” Paul stared at her, wide-eyed. He remembered Devin saying something about a TV show, but Paul didn’t even know what channel it was on. “No, that’s not—I mean—I haven’t even seen the show. I want to ask about one of his cousins.”

  “Oh!” Her demeanor shifted back into friendliness, and she offered an apologetic smile. “Sorry, but it seems like every time the Gourmet Network airs a rerun of the cook-off show Beau was in, we get some guy in town, hoping he’s single. If it’s not him, they’re after Jake.”

  “I promise, I have no designs on either Beau or Jake,” Paul said, leaning forward on the counter.

  Alice gave him a thumbs-up and disappeared behind two swinging doors into the kitchen, leaving Paul to wait and channel his nervous energy into shredding his napkin. A few minutes later, the doors swung open again, and a tall, broad-shouldered man sauntered out. He was wearing chef’s whites, but he looked like he ought to be wearing skintight jeans, cowboy boots, and a straw hat.

  “Alice said you wanna talk to me?” The man—obviously Beau Walker—approached the counter and studied Paul with friendly curiosity.

  “My name is Paul Mercer.” Paul extended his hand across the counter, and Beau shook it with a firm grip.

  The friendliness in Beau’s expression faded into wariness, and he folded his arms as he looked at Paul. “Are you the one who took up with Devin? I heard about you.”

  Oh, shit.

  Paul bit back a groan. Of course he’d already be persona non grata. No doubt most of the Walker clan knew about and disapproved of him by now.

  “I am the one who took up with Devin,” he said with a small, rueful smile. “I’m trying to find him so I can apologize and explain. I’m pretty sure he’s blocked my number, so I have to do this face-to-face. If he’ll see me, that is. If not, I’m not going to hound him.”

  “I ain’t so sure that’s a good idea,” Beau said, not seeming at all swayed by Paul’s words. “You’re damned lucky he ain’t got the full force of the Walker temper, or he might have tipped you over the side of that big ol’ boat.”

  “He’s got every right to be upset with me,” Paul said, hoping he could convince Beau to help him. Otherwise, his options would be calling every Walker in the local phonebook or going from door to door. “But there are some things he doesn’t know too. That’s why I’d like to have the chance to explain.”

  Another tall, well-built blond man had entered the restaurant, and he stepped behind the counter to stand next to Beau. He slid his arm around Beau’s waist, and his brilliant blue eyes were full of concern as he looked between Beau and Paul.

  “Explain what?” he asked, then fixed his attention on Beau. “Relax, babe, or we need to take this somewhere else. You’re sending out signals like you’re going to run a blitz, and the audience is going to start taking bets in a minute.”

  “This here’s the fella that ditched Devin,” Beau said. He leaned against the newcomer—who had to be Beau’s husband, Jake—but his steely blue gaze didn’t waver as it bored into Paul’s.

  “I didn’t ditch him,” Paul said, drawing himself up straight and frowning at Beau. He’d made a mistake in not telling Devin the truth sooner, and he took full responsibility for that, but he wasn’t going to roll over and accept the blame for something he hadn’t done. “Technically, he ditched me. We were supposed to meet when he was finished on the Pearl, but he never showed up. I was ready to call the hospital until I talked to his boss.”

  Jake nodded, acknowledging Paul’s explanation, then turned his attention back to Beau. “Two sides to every story, remember? If he ditched Devin, why would he be here now? Seems like you ought to give him a chance to tell you why he looked up the scariest Walker in town to approach first.” He glanced back at Paul, then extended h
is right hand, keeping his left arm around Beau as though to make sure Beau wasn’t going to leap over the counter. “Pardon my manners. I’m Jake Parnell-Walker.”

  “Paul Mercer.” Paul shook hands with Jake, relieved to find someone who might be willing to listen to him. “I came here because Devin mentioned the two of you and this restaurant several times, and I couldn’t remember anyone else’s name.”

  “Makes sense.” Jake’s gaze suddenly sharpened. “Paul Mercer, as in the Triton Cruises Mercers? We own stock in your company. We’d heard Devin got involved with some rich guy traveling under a fake name. Goes to show you how these stories get garbled in the telling.”

  “I traveled under my mother’s maiden name so I could talk to the staff and guests without intimidating anyone,” Paul said, focusing on Jake since he seemed more open-minded about the situation than Beau. “Devin was my staff liaison. I was going to tell Devin the truth after the cruise was over, but his boss outed me before I got the chance.”

  “Sounds like a misunderstanding. Not that we know anything about that, do we, Walker?” Jake tightened his arm around Beau. “Seems like there’s only one question that matters, anyway.”

  Beau snorted and elbowed Jake in the ribs, but he didn’t argue, and he seemed to relax a little, as if his ruffled feathers were smoothing back down at last.

  “What question is that?” Paul asked.

  Jake smiled. “Are you going to make an honest man out of Devin, or do we need to get the shotguns?”

  Paul turned his gaze down to the shredded napkin on the laminated placemat, considering his answer carefully. “We’ve only known each other two weeks,” he said, lifting his head to look first at Jake and then at Beau. “So no, I’m not considering marriage yet. But my feelings for him are strong enough that I’d like to see if our path could take us in that direction. At this point, however, it’s not up to me. What I want and what I feel are irrelevant if Devin doesn’t want to give me a chance. All I want right now is to talk to him and find out.”