Living To Love You (Santos Family Series Book 4)

by KD Bryan

  Dragging herself up from the floor, Carli quickly brushed her teeth and then waited to see if the bout of vomiting had helped calm things down. When her stomach didn’t roll again, she decided it was safe to try and shower. As she rinsed her hair she was mentally ticking off all the things she needed to do today, but their ten o’clock appointment was cemented in her thoughts. She refused to even think about the possibility of Judge Ford refusing to grant them the guardianship at this point. Angelina was here with them, and although the past few weeks had been an adjustment, Carli already couldn’t imagine the little girl not being in their lives.

  Carli met Reid entering the bathroom as she was exiting, and she stopped to press a lingering kiss on his mouth. Reid had been nothing less than totally supportive these past few weeks as they’d navigated the twists and turns life had thrown at them recently. He’d stepped in to do his part in helping Rob and Jillian whenever he was needed, and he’d been Carli’s rock during the horrific days following Martina’s death.

  Carli knew, too, that Reid was already half in love with the sweet little girl who now shyly sat on his lap for a story. He made every effort to include her in his interactions with the girls, but Carli knew he also set aside time to spend with Angelina alone. One of their favorite things to do together was exploring the backyard while the twins still napped, and Carli had watched from the window as they discovered butterflies, birds, and even a frog which had Angelina clinging to Reid’s leg when it jumped and startled her.

  Sliding on her shoes, Carli felt her stomach roll again and willed it under control. She really didn’t have time for this, but evidently her body wasn’t taking the hint because her belly did another heave sending her hurrying to the bathroom. She made it to the toilet just in time, and then she heard Reid’s voice coming from the shower.

  “Carli? Baby, what’s wrong?”

  Her stomach was still rolling when Carli heard the shower stop and then Reid was crouched beside her with nothing but a towel around his waist. He gently smoothed her hair back while her stomach decided whether it should go for round two or not. When it finally calmed, Carli blinked at Reid and then closed her eyes for a moment.

  “I think it’s nerves. I’ve just been so anxious with everything that’s been going on…Martina…Angelina…the situation with Jillian,” said Carli weakly.

  Pressing a kiss to her forehead, Reid said, “Okay, but are you sure you can do this today? I can call the Judge’s office to reschedule if we need to.”

  “No, we need to go, Reid. He’s made his decision and we need to be there. Just give me a minute and I’ll be fine,” Carli assured him, although she wasn’t so sure at the moment. She really felt bad, and just the thought of leaving the toilet right now made her stomach roll again.

  “Reid, can you please get the girls up and take them downstairs. I’ll be down in just a few minutes to fix them breakfast,” said Carli, but her stomach took another dive just thinking about seeing, smelling, or being within touching distance of food right now.

  Rising to his feet, Reid scooped his hair back and eyed his wife with concern. It wasn’t like her to get sick because she was anxious, but he had to admit they’d experienced more than their fair share of upheaval over the past few weeks.

  “Sure, babe, don’t worry about the girls. I’ll fix them something to eat. You just stay here for a while…maybe even lie down on the bed again until you feel better. We don’t have to leave for at least another hour, and we could stretch that even longer if we need to,” Reid assured her.

  Smiling weakly, Carli nodded her thanks just before dropping her head to rest on her arm again. Lying down sounded wonderful right now, and as soon as she could safely leave the bathroom she was going to do just that.

  When you come out of the storm you won’t be the

  same person that walked in. That’s what the storm

  is all about.

  -Haruki Murakami

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Rob looked around the chemo room and realized it was the first time he’d actually paid attention to his surroundings. Jillian’s first visit had been clouded with so much anxiety that he’d simply focused all of his attention on her. Of course he’d known there were a few other patients in the room, and all sitting in recliners identical to Jillian’s with an IV pole stationed beside each one.

  The room held more occupants today, and Rob grimaced slightly when he realized just how many others were going through the same thing. Judging by the degree of their baldness, or the pale to gray pallor of their skin, Rob knew each one was at their own stage of whatever it was that fate had dealt them.

  Rob finally turned away, although not in disinterest or lack of compassion for the others in the room. His focus was once again on the woman sitting in the brown recliner beside him receiving her own treatment. Jillian had lost so much weight already, and it worried Rob that she’d probably lose more after her treatment today. Both his grandmother and mom had gone above and beyond by cooking anything they thought Jillian could tolerate, but most days there’d been very little. As luck would have it, her appetite was just returning somewhat when it was time to get the next treatment, and Rob assumed that’s how the cycle ran as unfair as it seemed.

  Holding her hand in his, Rob squeezed Jillian’s finger reassuringly and caught the tiny smile she directed his way. Her eyes were closed, and she was sitting with her head leaned back against her chair while the first medication slowly dripped through the port. Rob knew she’d been dreading her treatment, but he’d not heard her complain once. Jillian was strong, and no one knew that better than he did. Rob was learning, however, that this situation had the power to render the strongest person weak beyond their own imagination.

  As they drove home later, Rob glanced over and found Jillian sitting with her head back and eyes closed. The treatments took so much out of her mentally and emotionally the day of, and then the physical hit later. He had no idea what to expect this time with a second dose on board now, and he just prayed it wasn’t any worse than the first had been.

  “Jilli, babe, we’re home,” said Rob quietly after pulling into the drive and cutting the engine.

  Rousing sleepily at the sound of his voice, Jillian blinked and then looked at Rob. “Oh, sorry. I think I dozed off there for a minute. I just feel so tired today for some reason,” said Jillian as she unbuckled the strap.

  Springing into action, Rob undid his own seat belt and said, “Wait, don’t get out, babe. I’ll come around and get you.”

  As Rob rounded the car, Jillian sighed heavily into the quiet of the car. He was so good to her, and her heart ached because of everything he was dealing with. Dr. Nixon’s office had insisted they speak with a social worker who specialized in oncology counseling, both for the patient as well as the caregiver, and everything the woman had said was coming true. Rob was giving up his free time, work time, sleep, and everything in between to take care of her. And she never doubted for a moment that he was sincere when he told her there was nothing else he wanted to do, but Jillian knew the stress would eventually get to him, too. He needed a break, but she wasn’t sure how to make him see that right now. Rob was strong and she knew that, but Jillian also knew that even the strongest person could eventually get down despite their fighting against it.

  The next afternoon Jillian was finally dozing after an extremely rough night and several recent bouts of vomiting that no amount of medication seemed to touch. Rob had even called the pharmacy but he’d been told in no uncertain terms that the patient couldn’t exceed the prescribed dose limit within a twenty-four hour period. In frustration, Rob ended the call after a terse good-bye. He’d felt like telling the woman if that were the case, then someone needed to develop a damn medication that was better than the one they were using.

  Running his hands down his face, Rob rubbed at the scruff on his jaw and realized he hadn’t shaved in two days. He’d actually gotten a shower at some point last night while his mom had been here, but he
had no idea if he’d make it that far today. Jillian was so sick, and if the past few hours were any indication then they were in for a rough few days ahead. Her skin was flushed and itching, and this morning she’d complained of her mouth hurting. Rob had checked, and then he immediately knew why when he spotted the two very red, irritated spots that were visible. They weren’t there yet, but he feared that it wouldn’t be long before they turned into full blown mouth sores like they’d been warned about.

  Jillian was already unable to eat because of the nausea and subsequent vomiting, and now Rob worried that she wouldn’t be able to tolerate liquids if her mouth became too sore as well. Sighing in frustration, he tried telling himself this was all just a part of it…the normal side effects…and he wanted to punch something because nothing about this shit was normal. It was excruciating to go through, and so painful to watch when someone you loved had to endure it.

  The sound of his phone ringing pulled him from his dark thoughts, and Rob checked the screen to see his sister’s name flashing. He knew Carli and Reid had met with the judge this morning, but truthfully he’d not given it another thought since Carli’s phone call yesterday. A momentary flash of guilt hit him, but Rob shoved the thought aside. He had enough to think about and deal with without adding guilt to the mix. His sister would understand…everyone would just have to understand that his focus was solely on one thing, and that was getting Jillian through this nightmare.

  The call ended a few minutes later, and surprisingly Rob found himself smiling through his fatigue. The judge had upheld Martina’s guardianship appointment and Angelina would remain with Carli and Reid. He’d heard the emotion in his sister’s voice as she’d told him, and then Carli was crying before she ever finished. Evidently the judge had wanted to see the whole family, and Carli had laughed through her tears when she told him that even Malaya had acted the perfect little angel for Judge Ford.

  Carli had gone on to say that she and Reid had made the decision to officially adopt Angelina as soon as possible, and their attorney was starting the proceedings immediately. Rob had offered his congratulations hoping his sister could discern the sincerity through his fatigue. He was excited for Reid and Carli, and he knew that Angelina couldn’t have a better home to become a part of. Right now, however, it was difficult to show very much enthusiasm for anything it seemed.

  The sound of Jillian rousing had him hurrying to the bedroom again, and Rob stepped in just as Jillian was trying to get out of bed. He knew from the ashen color of her face that she was sick again, and Rob grabbed the bucket he kept nearby at all times. Easing her into a sitting position, Rob stood by helplessly as Jillian’s body wracked with dry heaves. There simply wasn’t anything in her system to come out, and Rob worried that she was becoming dehydrated. After grabbing a wipe for her mouth, Rob helped her to lie down again but not before noticing how hot her skin was to the touch. Worried that she was developing a fever, Rob strode to the bathroom to find the digital ear thermometer his mom had left for them.

  A quick scan showed Jillian’s temperature was at one-hundred degrees, and Rob anxiously set the thermometer down on the nightstand. He knew she couldn’t keep anything down to fight the fever, and he raked a hand wearily back through his hair trying to decide what to do. The chemo nurse had instructed them to call in if her fever reached one hundred and one degrees or higher, so Rob decided a cool rag would have to suffice at the moment.

  Jillian wearily opened her eyes when she felt the cool, wet cloth on her forehead a few minutes later. She knew she was running a fever, and the concerned look in Rob’s eyes confirmed it. Unfortunately, she also knew there was no way she could keep anything down at the moment to help control her temperature. The thought of anything going in right now made her cringe, and she knew it’d only be a matter of seconds before it came back up again. The nausea medication wasn’t working like it had the first time, but Jillian was simply too exhausted to care.

  After Jillian drifted off again, Rob left the bedroom to pace the living room in solitude. He didn’t want to disturb Jillian while she slept, plus he also didn’t want her seeing how worried he was. She’d asked him what her temperature was, but it barely registered when he’d told her the reading. She’d merely nodded before closing her eyes again without commenting, and Rob knew she was too exhausted and sick to really care right now. He cared, however, and he knew it was his responsibility to make any decisions that needed to be made. Fortunately he had back-up, and Rob retrieved his phone to contact his resource.

  Sylvia stood beside the bed and gazed down at Jillian’s sleeping form. She’d been shocked upon arriving and finding Jillian in this shape, but she’d tried hiding it from her already worried son. It was evident the medication wasn’t working, and now Jillian was simply too sick to take in anything orally. It was a two-edged sword, and Sylvia knew how this scenario usually ended up. If Jillian didn’t show some improvement in the next few hours they’d be forced to take her in to the hospital where she’d most likely be admitted and started on IV fluids. They’d also be able to give her medication for the nausea and fever as well by injection through her port.

  “Mom, what do you think?” asked Rob quietly, worry lacing every word.

  The questioning concern in his voice tugged at Sylvia’s heart, and for a brief moment she wanted to succumb to her feelings of anger and frustration that her child and the woman he loved were having to endure this. Sylvia shoved aside those feelings, however, and made sure her expression showed nothing of what she was really feeling when she turned to face Rob.

  “Darling, perhaps we should step out into the living room so we don’t disturb her, okay?” suggested Sylvia just as quietly.

  Rob led the way, and when they reached the other room Sylvia saw him rubbing his forehead with one hand. It was clear just how worried Rob was at the moment, and Sylvia crossed the short distance between them to lay a hand on his other arm.

  “Rob, sweetheart, she’s very ill as you know. For whatever reason the chemotherapy drugs are really taking their toll this time. And although these are all normal side effects…”

  Rob felt something snap inside of him at his mom’s words and he threw both arms out wide in frustration. “Normal side effects? There’s nothing normal about this, Mom! She’s so sick…she can’t keep anything down…the medication isn’t working…”

  Rob let his voice trail off realizing this wasn’t anything his mom didn’t already know. He was just so damn tired of hearing those words, and it felt like he was ready to blow at any moment. Fear clawed at his gut as Rob turned to look at Sylvia again.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m just so frustrated,” apologized Rob.

  Rubbing his arm, Sylvia said, “Darling, you have every right to be frustrated. Don’t deny yourself that…this situation is deplorable, and we have to simply deal with what’s in front of us at the moment.”

  “What do we do, Mom? I think her temperature is higher, and she can’t keep anything down now to help fight it,” said Rob, the frustration evident in his voice again.

  Although Sylvia knew what they needed to do, she hated breaking the news to Rob. He’d tried so hard to take care of Jillian to the best of his ability, but sometimes these things were out of your control. Sylvia had noted Jillian’s labored breathing as well, but she hadn’t pointed that out just yet. Rob was already on overload, and unfortunately Sylvia knew she was about to add to it.

  “We’re going to need to take Jillian in to the hospital, Rob,” said Sylvia.

  “Hospital?” said Rob incredulously. Of course the thought had been at the back of his mind, but he’d rejected that as their last resort. However, it looked like their last resort was becoming their only choice.

  “I was hoping we could put that off for a little while longer. Give Jillian a chance to come back on her own, maybe,” explained Rob wearily.

  His head was telling them this was the next course of action, but his heart was breaking at the thought of putting her through
anything else.

  “I know, darling, but we simply can’t allow her to become any more dehydrated at this point. It happens very quickly in these situations, Rob. Jillian’s body is fighting not only the chemo mediations that she’s received, but it’s also fighting her illness. I know that people tend to forget that aspect. They become so focused on how ill the person is from the chemo they lose sight of the fact that the body is already fighting an internal battle against the cancer,” explained Sylvia gently.

  Rubbing his forehead again, Rob dropped his hand to rest it on his hip as he looked at Sylvia with resignation.

  “Do we need to go now? Should we call an ambulance, or drive her there ourselves?” asked Rob feeling completely out of his depth here. He wanted to do what was best for Jillian, but he wasn’t sure what that was at the moment.

  “I think we can still take her in ourselves at this point,” said Sylvia. “We’ll need to be careful of course, but we’ll manage. I’m going to call your dad and have him come over to help. We’ll take the bigger SUV so we’ll have plenty of room to make Jillian as comfortable as possible. I’ll call him now.”

  Rob simply nodded in agreement because really what other choice did he have? Jillian was too sick to remain at home, and it was time to get her the help that she obviously needed. Glancing down at his clothes, Rob realized he needed a quick shower and clean clothing before they left. He alerted his mom to what he was doing, and then a few minutes later climbed under the spray of hot water.