Living To Love You (Santos Family Series Book 4)

by KD Bryan

  Seconds ticked by as Jillian’s nurse returned Rob’s look. “Well, if you’re sure. Jillian is a fall risk still, and we need to make sure she maintains her balance. If you need any help just call and I’ll get her back to bed.”

  With a little victorious smirk playing at his lips, Rob nodded. “Got it, but I think we’ll be just fine.”

  The other man backed out of the enclosed space, but Jillian could tell he wasn’t comfortable leaving her without his supervision. She reached out and slapped Rob on the stomach with the hand that wasn’t clutching the safety rail and rolled her eyes.

  “What? We don’t need him, babe. I’ve been taking care of you for a while now and we’ve got this,” stated Rob with feigned innocence.

  Jillian pulled the loose flap of her gown to the front of her body and slowly lowered her bottom to the toilet seat. True to his word, Rob helped her get settled and then stood close by while she finished her business. He even handed her some toilet tissue when she was finished before helping her stand again.

  Jillian took the few steps needed to reach the sink and stopped abruptly when she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. It was worse than she’d even thought, and tears slowly gathered in her eyes. Realizing that something was wrong, Rob leaned down into her space and that’s when he noticed the tears.

  “Baby, what’s wrong? Are you in pain? Tell me so we can fix it,” he said anxiously.

  Shaking her head, Jillian closed her eyes and blew out a breath. “It’s just still a shock sometimes, Roberto…you know? I look in the mirror…and for a brief moment it’s like I’m staring at someone else,” she explained haltingly.

  Rob remained silent while Jillian washed her hands, but then he reached out to gather her close in his arms. He hadn’t really been able to hold her for days since she’d been so sick, and panic gripped him momentarily when he felt how incredibly thin she’d gotten. He could almost feel her ribs beneath the thickness of the hospital gown, and the fine bones of her shoulders and neck stood out at sharp angles now that her gown was hanging loose. Rob pressed a kiss to her forehead and then to her head.

  “You’re still the most beautiful woman to me, Jillian Nicole Barnes. You always have been, and you always will be. Nothing is going to change that, especially not the things you’re seeing in the mirror today. This is temporary, baby, and one of these days you’ll be back to just the way you were before,” Rob reassured her with another kiss.

  Leaning against his broad chest, Jillian whispered, “I don’t know that I’ll ever be the same, Rob. I just don’t know. Having this…going through everything that I’m going through…it does something to your soul. I can’t really explain it…you feel different…like the pieces are all out of place and you’re struggling to make them fit together again. Nothing seems the same as it did before, and I’m scared that it never will.”

  Blinking against the sting of tears in his own eyes, Rob rested his cheek against the smooth skin of Jillian’s head. “I’d like to say that I completely understand, babe, but I know that I really can’t. I get that you’re the only one who can. It doesn’t make it any easier for me…I struggle some days thinking that I’m not enough…that what I’m doing just isn’t enough for you. I just want to erase all the terrifying thoughts and feelings you’re having…and I want to turn back the clock and make it not be real...but I can’t do that either.”

  Emotion so strong it left her trembling surged through Jillian making her cling to Rob. She’d known that he’d been dealing with so much, but hearing him voice it out loud while standing in the confined space of the bathroom of her hospital room…well, she couldn’t find the words to respond to his emotional outpouring.

  Still clinging to him, Jillian buried her head against his chest and held on. “I love you, Rob. So much. Sometimes I don’t think I can even begin to explain what you mean to me, and there are times when I feel so guilty that you’re going through this too…that you’re seeing me like this and dealing with it all. But then I try imagining myself without you…sick or well, and I simply can’t imagine that at all anymore.”

  Pulling back, Rob tucked a finger under Jillian’s chin and lifted her face to his. Brown eyes met green, and Rob hoped that he could somehow make this incredible woman truly understand the depth of meaning behind what he needed to say.

  “I have always loved you, Jillian. Even when I didn’t want to…when I fought it…when we walked away and thought we were calling it quits, I still loved you. You’re a part of me, babe, and I can’t imagine being without you either. That’s why we’re fighting this thing together, because being without you isn’t an option. I’ll do whatever it takes to get us through this, I promise you that,” said Rob hoarsely.

  Clearing his throat, Rob said, “Okay, we need to get you back in bed before your nurse comes in and tries to kick my ass or something.”

  Jillian tried holding back her laughter, but it came out anyway leaving her leaning on Rob for another reason. “Kick your ass? Rob, I don’t believe my nurse is going to start a brawl in my hospital room over me getting back to bed.”

  Rob opened the door and deftly navigated Jillian and her IV pole back into her room before he jokingly said, “Well, I was gonna kick his ass if he’d even thought about standing and staring at your butt while you used the bathroom. That privilege is reserved for me, you got it?”

  Jillian raised her hand and gave Rob a mock salute before focusing on a spot near her bed. The trip back was uneventful, but Jillian quickly realized how exhausted she’d become after one short walk to the bathroom. Dr. Nixon had been in the evening before and explained that her blood counts had essentially bottomed out which had also contributed to her current state. Short of giving her blood, he’d ordered a specific medication to help rectify the situation and had insisted that she remain in the hospital for a few days until things were under better control.

  The lab tech had already been in earlier this morning to draw blood, and Jillian was anxious to hear if her counts were improving. Truthfully, she’d been so ill that being hospitalized hadn’t been too much of a burden, and she’d slept through most of her stay so far. When she’d finally roused enough to carry on a conversation, Rob had filled her in on everything that’d been happening. Her biggest regret was that Rico and Melanie now had a gorgeous baby boy, and she’d missed the whole thing. Rob had shown her pictures, but it simply wasn’t the same as seeing the real thing, or holding the little bundle in her arms.

  Thinking about the Santos addition sent her thoughts down another path as she lay with her eyes closed. Rob was in the bathroom showering and getting dressed for the day, so Jillian was left alone with her thoughts. It was a dangerous place to be sometimes these days, but she couldn’t help it. The truth was staring her in the face…the fact she’d probably never be able to give Rob children, and the realization weighed heavily on Jillian.

  The doctors had warned her that infertility would most likely result from all the treatment she would require, and additionally Jillian wasn’t sure how fair it would be to bring a child into their lives when she had no idea whether her cancer would return at some point. It was a possibility, and as depressing as that thought was she knew it was her reality. She could achieve remission, but there were no guarantees that her cancer wouldn’t recur.

  Denying Rob the opportunity of becoming a father weighed heavily on her, but so far she hadn’t found the courage to even broach the subject with him. She knew that he loved her…his heartfelt speech just minutes before only reinforced what she already knew in her heart. And selfishly she still wanted Rob…even if they never had a child together, either by the conventional method or some other way. Jillian knew they needed to discuss it once her treatments were over and her immediate prognosis was known, but until then she decided to put it aside and add it to the list of things they needed to discuss in the future. A future which happened to be at the mercy of this fight she was trying so desperately to win.

  Just a brunette
and a blonde with an unbreakable bond.

  -Bestfriendsforever

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Rob had the remote and was currently flipping through the channels when he heard voices outside of Jillian’s door. Groaning quietly, he dropped his head back when he recognized both of his sisters and what sounded like Melanie. That couldn’t be right, though, because Melanie and the baby were leaving the hospital today. Of course it was Melanie, so Rob knew it shouldn’t come as any surprise if she’d commandeered her wheelchair and directed the nurse to stop here on the way out.

  He’d actually ventured out yesterday to see his new nephew in person, and holding the tiny guy in his arms had brought a pang of remorse that he’d quickly tried to ignore. Rob wasn’t oblivious to the fact that he and Jillian might never have a baby of their own, and certainly not the old fashioned way or any other way for that matter. They hadn’t discussed it yet of course, but Rob knew that bringing a child into their lives was something Jillian would probably now have serious reservations about.

  The door opened, and as Rob had predicted his sister-in-law was wheeled into the room by a nurse in pink scrubs. Melanie was holding a tiny bundle in her arms, and Rico was hovering nervously behind them. Carli and Isa brought up the rear, and Rob heard his younger sister say, “Damn, I need to hang out here more often if all of the nurses look like that one.”

  Rob rolled his eyes at her comment before he caught the look on his brother’s face. Evidently Rico had already heard similar comments, and he returned Rob’s look with one of his own. Glancing at Jillian, Rob saw her eyes slowly opening and then grow wide when she realized the room was now full of people.

  In keeping with the safety precautions, his sisters trooped to the sink first and washed their hands. Rico stood back away from Jillian’s bed, and Melanie had the nurse stop her wheelchair a short distance away as well. Even though no one was sick, Rob knew his family was taking every precaution with Jillian’s current health status.

  Carli was the first to advance to the bed and then carefully wrapped her arms around her best friend to pull her close. She dropped a kiss on Jillian’s now scarf covered head and asked, “Hey girlfriend, how’s it going today? You definitely look better this morning.”

  Leaning her head against Carli’s arm, Jillian looked up and said, “I’m better I think. I feel stronger, although one trip to the bathroom earlier wore me out.”

  Shifting forward in the bed, Jillian’s gaze focused on Melanie and she said, “I can’t wait another second, Mel. I have to see him, so hold him up.”

  Laughing, Melanie deftly unwrapped her son and held him up for Jillian to see. Little Mateo Santos scrunched up his features at the intrusion, but quickly settled down when Rico took him from Melanie. He stepped closer to the bed and held the baby at an angle so Jillian could get a better look at their newest addition.

  “Rico, he’s just as amazing as his sister, and of course another Santos baby with a head full of dark hair. Mel, are you sure you’re involved in this process at all, honey?” asked Jillian teasingly.

  True to form, Melanie smiled brightly and threw Jillian a wink. “Sugar, I’m the one believe me. My fine husband isn’t having sex with anyone but me, so I’m his girl for all this baby makin’ that we do.”

  Rob burst out laughing at his sister-in-law’s blunt humor, and slapped his older brother on the back at the same time. Rico took it in stride as usual and calmly went about rewrapping his son up in the blanket. When he’d finished he turned to Rob with one raised brow and asked, “You want him?”

  Never one to refuse an opportunity to hold one of the babies, Rob said, “Sure I want him, are you kidding me? Come to Tio Rob little man and we’ll talk about how crazy your Mama and your Tias are.”

  Slapping her older brother on the shoulder, Isa said, “We are not loco, Roberto. We’re fun, and there’s a big difference, isn’t that right girls? And speaking of fun…Carlita don’t you have some news you need to share with Jillian?”

  Jillian’s gaze flew to Carli immediately and she asked, “News? What news? I thought Rob had filled me in on everything important that’s happened. I know the judge’s ruling, and that you and Reid are starting adoption proceedings immediately.”

  Carli shifted away from Jillian’s side so she could look at her best friend’s face. “Jilli, I’m pregnant. I swore Rob to secrecy so I could tell you myself.”

  Stunned into silence, Jillian gaped at the woman she felt closer to than any sister. Pregnant…that meant….

  “Carli, you have the twins…you all just got Angelina…was this planned?” asked Jillian still shocked.

  Before Carli could speak up Isa jumped in to say, “Jillian, she’s knocked up again and had no clue! I figured it out when she upchucked in your bathroom the day you were admitted into the hospital. We left here and stopped by the lab after she called her doctor and asked her to order the test.”

  Turning to her older sister, Isa asked, “Did you not realize you’d missed your period? You always cramp, and you know we both retain enough damn water to sail small ships…”

  Melanie chimed in from her seat with, “Carli, sugar, you did have sex with your husband, and obviously you didn’t use any anything…”

  Jillian had to ask, “Weren’t your boobs sore? You remember how sore they got with the twins early in the pregnancy. You said your nipples felt like they’d been clamped, although I never asked how you could possibly know how that felt…”

  “Oh, hell, just be quiet, please! All of you…just stop talking,” ordered Rob with a groan. He’d listened to his sisters and Jillian talk like this for years, and now Melanie was just as bad as the other three. She definitely fit right in, and one look at his older brother told Rob that Rico was thinking the same thing.

  Eyeing her brother, Isa asked, “What’s up your butt, Roberto? Mess with us and we’ll call Mom and tell her to come down. You know how much you and Rico love to hear Dr. Sylvia when she gets started.”

  Rob looked at Rico and shook his head. “They’re insane…our sisters, your wife, my girlfriend…even our own mother. They’re all crazy.”

  Reaching for his son, Rico said, “Tell me, brother. And just think how many fourth generation females we’ve added who’ll probably be just like them. Hopefully Carli will have a boy this time, and Miguel and Ansley will too when they decide to start. In the meantime, I’m going to take one of them out of here along with this little guy.”

  Turning back to Jillian, Rico smiled gently and said, “Sweetheart, we’re going to go, but I’ll be back if you have to stay much longer, okay?”

  Returning his smile, Jillian said, “Sounds good, Rico. Take your wife and adorable new son home and get settled in. I’m sure Gabriela is anxious to see you guys.”

  Isa looked at Rob and said, “Hey, walk with me down to the cafeteria. I want something to drink, and you look like you could use a few minutes out of this room.”

  Rob glanced at Jillian who smiled and nodded. He did need a break, and a cup of coffee that hadn’t come from a machine in the hallway did sound good. Dropping a kiss on Jillian’s head, Rob followed Isa from the room leaving her and Carli alone.

  Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, Carli dropped her head for a moment and then looked up at Jillian. They’d been best friends since they were children, and Carli could barely remember a time in her life when Jillian hadn’t been there. They’d been inseparable until Jillian had left for college, and even then they’d gotten together whenever school allowed. Now her best friend was fighting for her life, and Carli was consumed with guilt because she hadn’t been there for Jillian like she should have been.

  “Jillian…I’m so sorry,” began Carli, the emotion clogging her throat and making it hard to speak.

  A puzzled frown appeared on Jillian’s face as she asked, “Sorry about what, Carli? I don’t understand.”

  Carli blinked against the sting of tears and said, “About the fact that I haven’t been here for you, Jill
i. I feel like I’ve abandoned you through this whole thing…my life has been so crazy with Martina’s death, and then Angelina coming to live with us. Now I’m pregnant, and sick.”

  Jillian reached for Carli’s hand and squeezed it in hers. “I don’t ever want to hear you talk like this again. Aren’t we more than that? Aren’t we there for one another regardless of whether it’s actually in the physical sense or not? Hell yes, we are. We always have been, and nothing…not babies, pregnancies, adoptions…not even cancer…will ever change that.”

  Sniffing back tears, Carli placed her free hand on top of Jillian’s. “I know, but I feel like Rob has done it all.”

  Laughing, Jillian slapped Carli on the arm with her free hand. She needed to turn this around before her best friend had them both bawling their eyes out.

  “So that’s what this is really all about. You don’t want your brother having anything over on you! You’re afraid Rob will start crowing about what an excellent care-giver he is,” retorted Jillian with a laugh.

  Joining in with Jillian’s laughter, Carli sobered just as quickly and looked at the other woman. “Rob has been great, hasn’t he?”

  It was Jillian’s turn to swallow hard past the emotion before saying, “You have no idea, Carli. He’s gone above and beyond, and then taken it further.”

  “Mom says he’s actually been amazing. Taking such good care of you and making sure your every need is met. Hmm…it sounds almost as if he might love you, what do you think?” asked Carli with a smile.

  For the first time Jillian felt she could answer that question openly and honestly. “He does, Carli. He really does, and once we’ve openly said it to one another…once we actually owned our feelings and just put it out there…well, I can’t explain it. It was suddenly like we were just in total sync with one another.”