Pain

by E. M. Leya

  Matt tensed. "You want us to leave, don't you? It's too much having us here?"

  Xander shook his head. "No, I don't want you to leave. In fact, I've never enjoyed being home more since you've come to live with me." He kissed Matt softly. "Leave the dishes for later. Let's go sit down." He linked their hands and gently tugged him to the couch.

  "What's up? You have me nervous."

  "It's about something Faith said to me. I didn't know how to respond." Xander released Matt's hand and tugged on his beard, trying to think of how to start the conversation.

  "Stop that." Matt swatted Xander's hand from his beard. "You do that when you're nervous."

  "I do?" Xander laughed. "I never thought about it before." He released his beard and tried to relax with his hands on his lap.

  "What did Faith say?" Matt turned to him.

  "She asked me if I was going to be her other daddy." Xander reached for his beard, but stopped himself before he gripped it.

  Matt's mouth opened, and he made a gargled sound, then shut it again. His eyes were wide as he shook his head. "Wow, I didn't expect that."

  "Yeah, me neither. I told her I cared about you and I would always be part of her life, but that me being her daddy was something that you and I would figure out in the future." Xander gripped his beard again. "Fuck, that sounded wrong. I don't want you to think that I plan on us—"

  "No, I understand. You were talking to Faith. You had to say something. I just never expected this from her."

  "We can't blame her. Since she came home, she's seen us together and learned to lean on us to get her through the bad days. We can't blame her for wanting it to last. It's just that you and I have never really talked about what we are to each other. It started out as just casual sex, but it's morphed into…." He shrugged. "I don't know what we are now."

  Matt stared at him. "What do you want to be?"

  Xander ran his hand over his beard, moving it from the bottom back to right under his chin, then sliding his fist down it again. "I don't know. I mean, I'm not the domestic kind of guy. I don't know how to be a family man."

  Matt laughed. "What do you think you've been doing for the last few weeks?"

  Xander swallowed hard. "I could go to prison at any moment. How can I be a good father when I could get arrested any night I go to work?"

  "And I couldn't be? I'm hacking into systems." Matt sighed. "That is the hardest part for me. If I ever got caught, I'd lose Faith."

  "We wouldn't let that happen." Xander didn't know how he'd stop it, but he'd take the blame for everything to keep Matt safe. "Besides, you'd probably be offered a job for the government hacking for them instead of serving any time. They love people with minds like yours."

  "Still, it scares me, but I don't want to stop. We do too much good."

  Xander nodded. "We do."

  Matt rubbed his hands down his pant legs. "You sound like you don't want anything long-term between us. If that's true, then it's okay, but you're right, for Faith's sake, we should figure out what we are doing. It's not fair for her to hope that—"

  "I don't know what I want. She freaked me out when she asked, and my first thought was to panic and a million reasons why we wouldn't work went through my mind. I mean, she said she didn't want to move, she liked living here, and I actually thought about giving you the house and getting a new place for me to avoid thinking of us having a future. But then I had a couple of days to think about it, and I realized, we already are pretty much doing the married thing. We might not have said the words, signed the paper, but in every way that matters, we act married. So that forced me to think about my feelings, which is something I've never been good at. I've always stayed away from relationships. Until you, I'd meet someone, spend a night or even a few hours at their place, and move on. Until you, I never had another man in my bed." Xander stood, needing to think. He started to pace the living room. "But now, the thought of you and Faith not being here, the thought of being here alone, I don't like it."

  Matt nodded.

  Xander leaned against the wall, staring at Matt. "What I feel doesn't matter. What do you feel? What do you want?"

  Matt sat silent for a moment, and Xander was sure he wasn't going to like whatever Matt was going to say. He braced himself for the worst.

  "When I lost Jill, I never thought I'd want to be serious with anyone again. My focus was on being everything Faith needed. I was so worried about being there for her, that I forgot that I had needs too. It was after Faith was taken, when you suddenly appeared in my life, that I realized I needed someone there. I needed someone to lean on, to help get me through the bad days, to make me laugh. Then she came home, and I thought I'd be okay, but I needed you more then. I didn't know how to react to her, but you, you have a way with Faith that I'll never understand. When I couldn't be enough for her, you were."

  Xander stepped forward, kneeling in front of Matt. He really needed to tell Matt about his past, but now wasn't the time. "You are always enough for her. Don't you ever think differently."

  "I might have been, but you made it easier, you connect with her in a way I can't. You and her share something that I don't have with her. You make her smile when I can't. It wasn't until you started talking to her that she'd sleep alone. She started opening up more. She would sit alone with you and not anyone else." Matt smiled weakly. "It's a good thing. It might be hard at times for me to understand, but you are what Faith needs, just as much as you're what I need."

  Xander braced his hands on Matt's leg. "So, we have to make a choice here."

  Matt nodded. "I don't want you to feel pressured because Faith wants us together."

  "I know, but that's kind of impossible. I have to think about what her reaction would be if we ended things. How it might hurt her."

  Matt looked up. "It would hurt me."

  Xander leaned in, resting his forehead on Matt's shoulder. "It would hurt me too."

  Matt wrapped his arms around Xander's head, kissing the top of it. "So, are you saying you want to work for a future? I'm not saying you have to be Faith's daddy now, I don't think any of us are ready for that yet, but can we make what we have a little more official?"

  Xander lifted his head. "I'd like that. Maybe you can quit house hunting and we can make living together permanent?"

  "Are you sure?"

  Xander laughed. "Don't make me think about it because I'll panic, but yes, it's what I want, even if my mind keeps telling me it's not. I can't imagine living here now without the two of you."

  "If you change your mind, panic, or whatever, you'll say something? I never want you to feel trapped."

  "The same with you."

  "Fair enough." Matt reached over and gripped Xander's beard in his fist. "I know I should have said this to begin with, but I guess, like you, I was scared, but I do love you."

  Xander smiled, closing his eyes as he got used to the way the words felt. When he opened his eyes and looked into Matt's, he was sure of his response. "I love you too." He pulled Matt to him, holding him tight.

  After several silent moment's Matt pulled back. "So, Faith is gone for a few more hours, and there's still several rooms in the house we haven't broken in yet." He wiggled his eyebrows.

  Xander didn't have to be asked twice. With his arms around Matt's waist, he pulled him forward, figuring the living room was the perfect place to start.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Matt hung up the phone, his temper flaring. He rubbed his hand over the back of his neck as he thought about what he'd just been told by Faith's therapist. He was used to the weekly calls. Faith saw Katie three days a week for an hour, and once a month, she would have family therapy with him sitting in on the session.

  Faith hadn't opened up much about the actual kidnapping or what happened after she was taken, but no one was surprised by that. Everyone he talked to who had been through something similar said that it took time for their child to talk about what had been done to them.

  What had him angry no
w was the fact that Faith had requested that Xander come with her to the next family session instead of him.

  He tried to understand, tried not to be hurt, but she was his daughter. Yes, she was close to Xander too, and they shared a bond he didn't understand, but he should be there for family sessions. If she wanted Xander there, he could join them, but for her to request that he not go, that wasn't right.

  He stared out the window, trying to figure out what to do.

  Katie had suggested they do what Faith requested and reminded him that all sessions with Faith were private, and unless Katie thought Faith was in danger or needed further counseling or medical treatment, she didn't have the right to discuss their conversations even with him.

  For months, he'd tried to ignore the way Faith would talk to Xander instead of him. He watched them whispering, saw them talking in her room late into the night. He saw how she would say things to him, but then notice he was close by and look ashamed at whatever she said.

  Wanting the best for his daughter, he let it go this whole time, glad that Faith had someone to talk to if she couldn't talk to him, but now, he'd finally reached his breaking point.

  Why did she want Xander there instead of him?

  He debated on going to Faith's room and asking her, but he hated to make her feel guilty or put her on the spot. For whatever reason, she wanted Xander there. He couldn't take that from her, but he needed to at least let Xander know what he was feeling before it ate him up inside and caused bigger issues.

  Trying not to feel like a jealous fool, he headed to the bedroom where Xander was showering before going in to work for a sting. If he didn't talk to him before he left, he'd stew about it all night and make it worse.

  Xander was standing in front of the bathroom mirror with a towel around his waist. "Hey, you're five minutes too late. You could have washed my front."

  Matt smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

  "You okay?" Xander turned to him as if he could instantly tell something was wrong.

  "Do you have a minute before you have to leave?" Matt took a deep breath, trying not to appear as upset as he was.

  "Sure, what's up?" Xander stepped out of the bathroom.

  Matt stared at Xander's chest, following the patterns of his tattoos as he tried to think. "Katie called me about Faith's family session later this week."

  "Is Faith okay?" Xander stepped closer, his voice edged with concern.

  "She's okay. It's just that, I guess Faith asked that I don't go to the family session this week. She asked that you go instead."

  "Oh." Xander nodded. "And that didn't sit well with you."

  "No, not at all. I mean I know you and her talk. Hell, from day one she's talked to you more than she talks to me, but now it's with counseling too?"

  Xander ran his hand through his still wet hair. "I didn't know she was going to do this. She mentioned that she was ready to talk about what happened after the kidnapping, but I thought she was going to do that with you."

  "I'd like to think she would."

  Xander nodded. "Have you talked to her about it?"

  "No, what am I supposed to say? Tell her she hurt my feelings and make her feel worse, or tell her she's not allowed to do it without me there? There isn't anything I can say to her, but I needed to say it to you because I just don't understand."

  "It's complicated." Xander rubbed a hand over his chest.

  Matt's temper flared. "She's my daughter, yet you're the one she talks to. You're the one she asks to sit in on her therapy sessions. How do you think that makes me feel?" Matt glared at him.

  "What do you want me to do? Tell her no? I know this isn't right and it's not normal, but for some reason, she feels she can talk about it with me. I don't know why," Xander lied. He knew exactly why, but he wasn't sure he was ready to bring his past up with Matt. "She's trying to protect you."

  "Why me and not you?" Matt threw his hands up. "Why can't she tell me all this?"

  Xander gripped his beard, tugging hard against it, closing his eyes as he tilted his head back, taking a moment to think. Finally, he looked back at Matt. "She talks to me because I told her I understand her, I know what she's been through."

  "So do I. I've seen the pictures, read the reports." Matt started to pace.

  "No, you're not understanding." Xander took a deep breath. "I understand what she is feeling because when I was her age the same thing was happening to me. I literally understand. I know what she is feeling."

  Matt turned, his eyes wide. "You?"

  Xander nodded, releasing his beard, and turning to sit on the bed. "My mom died when I was seven. My father started abusing me when I was eight or nine, by the time I was eleven, he was selling me to his friends for a night. I was passed around from one man to another. It went on until I was fifteen."

  "My God." Matt sat down beside him. "I didn't know."

  "I didn't want you to know." Xander reached for Matt's hand. "I didn't want you to think of me as used, broken, or unstable."

  "I would never think that of you. I wouldn't think it of Faith. I think of you both as strong and as fighters. I'm not sure I could go through what you two have and come out on the other side as well as you both have."

  "It takes time. Faith has a long way to go."

  "You told her all this?"

  "Not the details. She knows a man hurt me when I was her age, the same way she was hurt. I haven't told her it was my father, and I haven't told her he sold me to his friends. I kept it as simple as I could, but she needed to know that she wasn't alone. That I'd been there, and I'd made it through. It will be okay in time. The pain and memories fade. It might never go away completely, and that's okay, but it does get easier."

  "So that's why she feels safe talking to you and not me?" Matt shook his head.

  "She's trying to protect you. She said she didn't want you to get sad knowing how bad they hurt her. She's scared of hurting you more by telling you. I've told her you won't be upset, and it's good to talk to you about it, but it's something she has to decide on her own. We can't force her to open up to you about it. It's something we discussed trying to talk about in therapy with Katie, but she has to do it in her own time and on her own terms."

  Matt sighed. "I've been so jealous of you. I couldn't understand why my daughter would choose to talk to you and not me, but now it all makes sense."

  "I never meant to hurt you." Xander lifted their joined hands to his lips and kissed Matt's knuckles. "I didn't know how to tell you. I guess in a lot of ways I'm still like Faith. I don't want to share my pain, my disgrace, my horror. It's easier to keep it to myself than face any judgment that might come from people."

  "I'd never judge you for that. You had no control over any of it."

  "I know that, but there's this voice in the back of your mind… It's that voice that I think connects me to Faith or any other survivor. You can tell us it will be okay, you can say it wasn't our fault, you can say you don't judge us, but only someone who has been there can understand. Even at her young age, Faith gets that. She knows that there is a bond of sorts between survivors. It's something only they can understand. She's not trying to hurt you, but she just doesn't want you to know the details. Maybe a better way to say it is she can't say them out loud herself yet, and to me, she doesn't have to say it out loud because I already know. I understand what she can't say."

  "I feel like such a fool now." Matt stared at Xander. "I should have been happy she'd talk to someone, anyone. Instead, I got jealous and let it eat at me, when this whole time, watching Faith go through everything had to bring up bad memories for you too."

  "No more than I get every night I go to work. Each time I walk into a sting, I wonder if it will be one of the men that hurt me. I wonder what my reaction would be. Working with the team might not make sense after going through what I have, but it's what helps me deal with it. What healed me."

  "The team knows?"

  "Some more than others. They were all there when my fathe
r went on trial. Bryon and Kasey were the ones who stopped Dyson and me from killing my dad. I'd gotten out of the Army. Dyson and I were living together at the time. My dad had disappeared when I'd finally told someone what he'd done, but he popped up about a year after I got discharged. I wanted him dead, and I talked Dyson into helping. We beat him nearly to death one night. We tied him up and were about to kill him when Kasey and Bryon walked in. They somehow talked me into letting them handle things, promising they would take care of it. They did. My dad went to trial and got life in prison for what he did to me and a bunch of other young boys." Xander closed his eyes, remembering the last time he'd seen his father. He was weak, and the effects of eunuchism had already started to show. He was weaker, thinner, his body becoming more feminine in nature. He'd met his father's eyes right after the verdict had been read, then turned and walked out of the courthouse with the team by his side. "I joined the team after the trial. After seeing what Dy and I did to my father before they showed up, they had a pretty good idea that we were willing to take the job once it was explained to us."

  "Shit, I had no idea you'd been through any of this." Matt pressed his hand to Xander's back. "I'm sorry if I said or did anything—"

  "You didn't, but even if you had, you didn't know. I've wanted to tell you for a while now, but how do you bring something like that up? It's not something we could talk about over dinner, and it surely isn't pillow talk."

  "No, you're right. There really hasn't been a good time. Does it bother you that I know now?"

  Xander smiled as he shook his head. "No, I don't want secrets between us. I'm glad you know everything now." He released Matt's hand, bringing his own up to run his fingers through Matt's hair. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I had no idea that it bothered you so much when Faith and I would talk. I should have seen it. I should have explained."

  "Now that I know, I understand. I'm glad you're the one Faith leans on, and I want you to be the one at therapy if she is ready to open up. You can call her on her doubts, on her fears, on her insecurities. That's stuff I can't do. I can't understand what she is going through the way you do. I guess Katie knows about your past too?"