Minus Me

by Ingelin Rossland

  ‘And last year you put ants in my lunch box.’

  ‘Oh, c’mon! Is that such a big deal?’ says Oscar, with a sigh.

  ‘She forced me to eat them. It was disgusting. And for the rest of the day everybody called me an anteater.’

  ‘But it was just a bit of fun,’ says Linda faintly. She knows she never apologized, and she remembers threatening to beat him up if he told. Just don’t think about it, she says to herself. Just forget it! Just suppress it. But one person who hasn’t forgotten or suppressed it is Kristoffer, and right now he’s like a dog with a bone.

  ‘But just because you find things funny, doesn’t mean other people find them funny!’ says Kristoffer. His voice grows louder and cracks on the last word. There’s a red rash appearing on his neck.

  Linda doesn’t answer. She is about to spin the bottle again, but Kristoffer grabs it and holds it tight.

  ‘But she didn’t mean any harm. Did you, Linda?’ says Maria, leaning forward and loosening Kristoffer’s grip.

  ‘Won’t you even say sorry?’ asks Kristoffer, glaring at Linda.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ says Linda, unable to meet his eyes. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’

  Then she gets up and as she leaves she can hear Kristoffer shouting after her, asking if she really means it.

  ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘I really do mean it.’

  But she can’t bring herself to face him as she says it.

  ‘Thank you,’ she hears Kristoffer say.

  Linda doesn’t answer him. She just runs out and slips into the bathroom. Then she locks the door behind her.

  Chapter 19

  Through the door Linda can hear that the music’s gone back on. She stands with her eyes closed, and sniffs the comforting fragrance of her grandmother’s perfume that still seems to hang within the walls of the flat. What would Granny say if she were here now? If she knew what kind of person Linda really is. Just the thought of it makes her eyelids sting. Linda wishes her guests could just disappear, and be gone when she comes out. She wishes she could turn the clock back. She sees Kristoffer before her, and all those faces around them. Faces that say: is this guy out of his mind? Or do they say the opposite? Perhaps these faces say: what an awful thing to do! Linda’s so bad; it’s good she’s going to die! Had Linda really been so unaware that she was upsetting Kristoffer? No, she has to admit it had occurred to her. It’s just that it was so easy to do. So tempting. Can she help it if there’s something about Kristoffer that screams out to be picked on? He gets so easily worked up. And then it’s all the more fun. Anteater! Everybody else had thought it was hilarious. Nobody said it was wrong. Whoops, that’s not entirely true; Maria had been cross with her and hadn’t talked to her for days.

  Which is why she knows it’s Maria who’s standing outside the door now. She can sense her presence, even though Maria hasn’t said a thing yet, or even knocked on the door.

  Perhaps that’s why her heart stopped? Because she’s too despicable to be allowed to live? Because she’s the kind of person who bullies weaker people to make other people laugh, so she feels she’s tough and popular.

  She takes out her mobile. No new messages. Not a thing from Axel. Her birthday isn’t actually till tomorrow, but still. She brings her hand to her neck and touches the little dolphin charm from Oscar. Poor Oscar. Does he know she’s only with him to get some practice with boys? That she doesn’t really love him? She closes her eyes, her fingers still clutching the dolphin. She imagines Axel; the sun reflecting in the saltwater droplets that scatter onto his face like rain. She can almost feel herself treading the water, his breath against her cheek. His hand tucking a lock of wet hair behind her ear. His lips parting. She can feel herself pull back because she thinks he’s going to kiss her.

  ‘You’re like a dolphin,’ he said, before diving down below the surface and disappearing. And now here she is, wearing a dolphin necklace that’s been given to her by Oscar. It’s all wrong. She gets up and puts her phone into camera mode, and takes a selfie. From above. It makes your eyes look bigger if you gaze up into the lens. She stares at the picture. She looks so innocent, wearing her tiara and pretty dress. And with the angle of the picture it seems as if she’s got a bit of a bust. Everything’s just fake. She sits down on the toilet seat and writes a text under the picture.

  ‘Hope you haven’t forgotten it’s my birthday tomorrow? Dolphin-girl.’

  There’s a soft knock at the door. Linda looks up from the text.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘It’s me. Maria. Are you alright?’

  ‘Yes. Wait a minute,’ says Linda, erasing the message.

  She takes a square of toilet paper, moistens it under the tap, and wipes away the smudgy mascara from under her eyes. Then she throws the paper in the toilet and flushes it, before unlocking the door.

  ‘Linda, what are you doing?’

  ‘Who knows? Having a party?’

  ‘Everybody’s wondering where you are.’

  ‘Everybody thinks I’m a bitch. Has Kristoffer gone?’

  ‘Yes,’ says Maria, stroking Linda’s hair.

  ‘Hmm. I’d forgotten what happened. But he’s right. I did pick on him. I thought it was fun. I didn’t even consider his feelings. They weren’t important. It was the same when I hid that worm in the teacher’s salad. All I thought about was making other people laugh. I’m an egotistical monster. Why do you even hang around with me? Why does Oscar want to be my boyfriend? And why did everybody come to my party?’

  ‘Because they like you. And I like you. Don’t you get it?’

  ‘But I’m not a nice person. And the worst thing is, I didn’t have any bad conscience about picking on Kristoffer. Even now, I can’t stop thinking he’s a bit pathetic. But he’s right. I did bully him. And I’m not even sure if I’ve apologized in the right way. What’s the right way to apologize?’

  ‘But Kristoffer accepted your apology,’ says Maria.

  Linda doesn’t answer, but lets her friend put her arms round her. It’s easy for her, thinks Linda. Maria is so perfect. She’s popular without being cool or tough.

  ‘What’s it like to believe in God, Maria?’

  She doesn’t quite know why she’s dragged God into the conversation suddenly. Perhaps because she’s behaved so badly. Perhaps that’s when we need God most. So we can say sorry and believe that he’s sitting up in Heaven somewhere, scratching his chin a bit, before smiling kindly and saying: ‘That’s alright, my child.’

  ‘It’s a good feeling, I suppose. But then I don’t have anything to compare it with. I’ve never had to make an effort to believe in God, if you know what I mean.’

  ‘Ever since I was told I could be cured if I got a new heart, I’ve been fantasizing about accidents. Imagining that someone with a suitable heart is killed, so I can have their heart and live on. Do people who believe in God think like that too?’

  ‘Linda, I want you to live too. I also want you to get a new heart.’

  ‘Perhaps you could include it in your prayers one night? When you’re having a chat with God?’

  ‘I already do. But perhaps you should try and talk to Him yourself?’

  ‘I don’t know how. Where do you get to this guy? In church? Or what?’

  ‘He’s everywhere. But mostly, he’s in your heart,’ says Maria, placing a hand on Linda’s chest.

  ‘Hmm, that’s what you think!’ says Linda, gently pushing her friend’s hand away. ‘Let’s go back to the others.’

  ‘Linda . . .’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I love you. I really do.’

  ‘I know,’ says Linda.

  Chapter 20

  There’s still music and dancing out there in the room that Granny used to call the library. The Pet Shop Boys’ song ‘Together’ is playing. Daddy looks up from the computer screen with a concerned wrinkle between his eyebrows. Linda smiles and gives him a second thumbs-up for the evening. She can see him breathing out in relief before he puts on a slower track. T
he bodies on the dance floor shift tempo. They seem to hesitate, unsure if they should desert the dance floor or find another body to dance closer to. Henrik does not hesitate, he zooms in on Ella like a heat-seeking missile.

  Linda feels a hand on her arm. It’s Oscar.

  ‘Do you want to dance with me?’ he asks.

  ‘Alright,’ she whispers, letting him lead her out onto the dance floor. He puts his hands gently on either side of her waist, and she puts hers on his shoulders. They are face-to-face.

  ‘That’s a great dress,’ he says.

  ‘Thanks.’

  And then she’ll ask me, ‘Do I look OK?’ And I’ll say,‘Yes, you look wonderful . . .’ Oscar and Linda both smile; Linda because the words of the song fit so perfectly with what Oscar just said about her dress, and Oscar because – well heaven knows why, and she’s not about to ask.

  ‘Shall we dance a bit closer?’ he asks.

  ‘Alright,’ she says, feeling Oscar’s arms closing about her. His hands are on the small of her back, his chest touching hers. There’s barely any air between their bodies, but there are exciting smells. He’s used a shampoo that smells of summer, but a deodorant, or something, that smells more manly. Perhaps he’s borrowed it from an older brother. Does Oscar have an older brother? She doesn’t even know if he has brothers or sisters. She can feel his heart beating. Can he feel hers? The tip of his nose is near her neck. Can he smell that she’s wearing a bit of her mother’s perfume? They sway to the music. Should she close her eyes? She keeps them open.

  ‘Is that nice?’ he whispers into her neck.

  Linda nods. She feels his hand slide a little lower down her back. She closes her eyes, but behind her eyelids it is Axel she sees. And it’s Axel’s voice that she hears through the music. The voice that says again: ‘I’ve missed you.’ She lets out a sigh.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Oscar says.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine.’

  He loosens his hold of her a little, so that they’re face-to-face again. He gazes at her. Linda wants to close her eyes. She does. And she moistens her lips carefully with the tip of her tongue.

  ‘Yoo-hoo! Kissey-kissey-kissey!’ Henrik is suddenly screeching in Linda’s ear.

  She opens her eyes in time to see Markus pushing Henrik to the floor.

  ‘Stupid prat!’ shouts Markus.

  The light suddenly goes on, and Linda’s mother appears by the door. Henrik stands up, doing a theatrical limp.

  ‘I was just . . . er . . . I was just joking,’ Markus mumbles.

  ‘I see,’ says Linda’s mother looking around. Dad turns off the music, and she turns towards him with angry eyes, clearly blaming him for letting things get out of hand. ‘Well, everybody, it’s half past ten now, and I hope you’ve all had a good time. Some of your parents are already here to pick you up.’

  Oscar is still standing next to Linda. She can feel his fingers gently touching her arm. It’s giving her goosebumps.

  ‘Shall we see each other some day, maybe Sunday?’

  ‘Sure,’ she answers, without looking at him. Her mouth feels like it’s full of cotton wool.

  ‘Maybe you can come over to my house? You can have a go on my PlayStation.’

  ‘Er . . . sure,’ says Linda.

  ‘I hope you liked the necklace.’

  Linda nods.

  ‘Bye, Linda.’

  ‘Bye, Oscar.’

  Maria stays behind after the others have gone. She clears the paper plates from the table and throws them into a rubbish bag. The paper tablecloth goes the same way. Some of the gold and silver stars that were scattered over the table as decoration float to the floor. Linda bends down and presses the tip of her finger onto one of the little stars so it sticks.

  ‘Maria.’

  ‘Yes?’ Maria stops in mid-action and Linda reaches out to her and presses the star gently onto her friend’s cheek.

  ‘Thanks for being here and helping with the party,’ she says.

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ says Maria, pushing the tablecloth deeper into the rubbish bag to make more space.

  Linda stands watching her. Then she takes out the list, which she’d tucked away on the bookshelf.

  Maria takes the piece of paper.

  ‘Well, you can cross off “Go to parties” now, at least. How about “Kiss”? I saw how close you and Oscar were dancing.’

  ‘Er, not yet. But we’re going to play on his PlayStation on Sunday.’

  ‘Well, it’ll probably happen then,’ says Maria. ‘Markus kissed me for the first time when we were alone in his room.’

  ‘Yeah, sure. But I’ve been thinking about something else. About what you said in the bathroom. About God.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘About talking to God. I was thinking about going somewhere to talk to God. Tonight.’

  ‘What do you mean going somewhere to talk to God? I told you God is in your heart,’ says Maria.

  ‘Yeah, whatever. He might be in yours. But I reckon I need to go somewhere to find him,’ says Linda.

  ‘A church? You know you’re always welcome to come to our church.’

  ‘Yes, but I was thinking you might come with me now, tonight.’

  ‘Where to?’ asks Maria, looking very sceptical.

  ‘Nidaros Cathedral. Is there a better place to meet God?’

  ‘But surely it’s not open in the middle of the night?’ Maria protests.

  ‘No, that’s why we’re going to climb up and get in. I’ve heard it’s possible.’

  ‘You’re crazy!’ says Maria, shaking her head and continuing to tidy up.

  ‘Please! It’s my birthday.’

  ‘No way.’

  ‘Just think how exciting it’ll be. Like a secret mission. You, me and the full moon. Look, it says on the list that we have to do something exciting,’ says Linda, refusing to give up.

  ‘But it’s against the law to sneak into a church in the middle of the night. It doesn’t feel right,’ says Maria.

  ‘Alright. I’ll go on my own!’ Linda says, putting her hands on her hips.

  ‘But what if you fall and kill yourself?’

  ‘Would that be such a big deal?’

  Maria sighs and shakes her head.

  ‘Please?’ says Linda.

  ‘NO.’

  ‘Please?’

  ‘Wow! You girls are very good at tidying up!’ says Linda’s mother, beaming and clapping her hands. Linda snatches the list out of Maria’s hand and hides it behind her back.

  ‘Hmm, what are you two up to?’ says her mother suspiciously.

  ‘Just teenage stuff,’ says Linda, pulling down one of the balloons and squeezing it till it pops.

  ‘We can do the rest tomorrow,’ says her mother. ‘You’d better get home now, Maria. Your dad’s waiting for you upstairs in the living room.’

  Linda and Maria follow her out into the chilly downstairs hallway. Maria’s father is already coming down the stairs.

  Linda grabs Maria by the arm and whispers into her ear.

  ‘I’m going to the cathedral tonight, with or without you.’

  ‘Okay. I’ll try to sneak out.’

  ‘I’ll be there at midnight.’

  ‘You really are crazy!’ Maria whispers back.

  ‘I’ll start climbing at a quarter past midnight at the latest. Dad’s got some old climbing gear in his workshop.’

  Linda lies under her duvet fully clothed. It’s gone eleven and she’s hoping her parents are too tired to sit up and have ‘grown-up time’. Fridays don’t tend to be a problem; they usually fall asleep in front of the TV at about ten. And tonight they’ve had to stay up for the party. There’s a gentle knock on her door, and Linda pulls the duvet up under her chin.

  ‘Come in,’ she says.

  Her mother walks over, sits on the edge of her bed and strokes her hair.

  ‘So, were you pleased with your party?’

  ‘It was perfect. Thanks a million. But can we talk about it in the morning? You m
ust be really tired,’ says Linda, unwilling to get into conversation.

  ‘It’s your birthday tomorrow,’ says her mother, continuing to stroke her hair.

  ‘Yes. So it’s important I’m on top form,’ says Linda, brushing her mother’s hand away.

  ‘You know, when you were born and I saw you for the first time it was . . .’

  ‘Love at first sight, I know!’ says Linda, rolling her eyes.

  ‘You think I’m being pathetic?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Well, okay, a bit. It’s just you don’t need to keep fussing over me. Everything’s going to be fine. I feel really fit. Almost as good as before, in fact.’

  Her mother leans forward and gives her a kiss.

  ‘I’ll never, never let you go, Linda,’ she whispers.

  ‘I said everything will be fine. But I need to sleep now. Night-night, Mum.’

  ‘But you’ve got your jumper on, Linda. Are you cold?’

  ‘A bit.’

  ‘Shall I get you a blanket? I can ask Dad to make you some tea and honey.’

  ‘Mum, stop fussing. Besides, I’ve already brushed my teeth.’

  ‘But . . .’

  ‘Please, Mum.’

  ‘Okay, okay. Sleep well, then,’ says Linda’s mother, stroking her cheek, and then going over to the door. ‘Have you remembered to recharge your mobile?’

  ‘There’s loads on the battery. Go to bed, Mum.’

  ‘You know we need to stay in contact all the time, in case anything happens.’

  ‘There’s only a thin wall between our rooms, Mum. Night-night. I love you both!’

  ‘And we love you too; our big, grown-up daughter. Shall I leave the door ajar?’

  ‘No thanks, Mum. Goodnight for the hundredth time,’ she says with a sigh.

  Her mother shuts the door. Linda makes herself comfortable with the pillow under her neck. She checks the time on her mobile and lies there listening to the sounds of her parents preparing for bed.

  Chapter 21

  The west wall of the Nidaros Cathedral, with its statues of saints, bishops and kings, looms high over Linda. The light of the moon playing hide-and-seek among the clouds makes some of the statues look like they’re moving. Linda thinks their faces look far too lifelike in this light, and her heart begins beating harder in her chest. But she can’t resist staring up at them. Her heart leaps into a gallop when she suddenly sees a figure moving up there among the stone figures. There’s no such thing as ghosts, there’s no such thing as ghosts, she says to herself. She takes out her mobile. No texts. Why has Axel almost stopped texting her completely? It’s five to twelve. She starts to write a text. Hi Axel! Just five more minutes before I’m a teenager! She deletes the message until it just says Hi Axel! and then tries again: Guess where I am? Linda stares down at her message. And even though she’s standing there with her mobile in her hand she jumps when it rings.