Minus Me

by Ingelin Rossland

  ‘Hi,’ whispers the voice at the other end. ‘It’s me.’

  ‘Hi, what happened to you?’ asks Linda, knowing that Maria’s ringing to say that she’s chickening out.

  ‘I’m not coming, Linda. And I think you ought to go home too. Promise me. Please!’

  Maria is whispering down the phone urgently, as though she’s frightened she might be interrupted.

  Linda doesn’t answer.

  ‘Linda?’

  ‘Bloody hell, Maria!’ says Linda, swearing because she knows her friend hates it. ‘You’re a such a coward!’

  ‘Linda, stop it. You know I share my bedroom with Anna and she’ll notice if I just go off,’ whispers Maria.

  ‘But the real reason is that you’re a coward and goody-goody. It might have been better if you were the one who was going to die, seeing as you’re on such great terms with God and stuff. You could just saunter into heaven!’ yells Linda, and as the words tumble out of her mouth, she knows it’s an awful thing to say.

  ‘You’re being really unfair now, Linda,’ says Maria.

  Linda can hear the tears in Maria’s voice.

  ‘Yes, just cry!’ she sneers, ringing off and stuffing the phone in her pocket. It’s a wonder Maria doesn’t puke at her own goodness.

  No sooner has she put it away, than it rings again. She digs it out of her pocket. Surprise, surprise! It’s Maria calling back. Linda feels like chucking the stupid thing at the wall, but satisfies herself with dismissing the incoming call.

  ‘Let me guess; you’re feeling angry?’

  Linda swings round, with the mobile still in her hand. It’s Zak. Of course it’s Zak. Linda’s almost got used to the way he keeps turning up. Nonetheless the hairs go up on the back of her neck.

  ‘Zak! What are you doing here? Are you spying on me or something?’ she growls, although deep down she’s pleased to have his company.

  Zak doesn’t answer. He just takes the mobile gently out of her hand, puts it back in her jacket pocket and zips it up.

  ‘There you are. Now you won’t lose it on your climbing expedition,’ he says, winking at her.

  ‘You’ve got no business following me. In fact it all seems a bit psycho to me! And how did you know I was going to climb into the cathedral?’

  ‘It’s pretty obvious,’ says Zak pointing at the climbing gear that’s poking out of her rucksack.

  He bends down and pulls it out.

  ‘You’re not the first person to think about climbing up the walls of the cathedral and in through one of those little doors up there. And, luckily for you, I know which door isn’t alarmed. Come on,’ says Zak, walking off.

  ‘Wait a moment!’

  Linda digs about in her rucksack and takes out a pair of climbing boots. Zak stops, walks back and looks down at them.

  ‘They’re too big for you. You’d do better to wear your own shoes. But have you got any carabiners?’ he asks.

  ‘I don’t know. I just grabbed what I could find.’

  ‘You don’t know? I have to say, your climbing expedition seems rather ill-planned,’ he says, rummaging about in the rucksack.

  ‘I don’t know what a carabiner is.’

  ‘Well, I do. Luckily for you again!’ says Zak, taking a heavy metal clip out of the bag. ‘We’ll need that to fasten the harness to the rope.’

  Clearly pleased with himself, Zak slings the rucksack onto his back and heads for the back of the cathedral.

  Chapter 22

  ‘Just slip into the harness as though it was a pair of trousers,’ Zak instructs her.

  Linda does as he says and lets Zak fasten it securely. Having fastened her harness to the thing he called a carabiner, he goes over to the wall.

  ‘But aren’t you going to wear a harness?’

  Zak just grins at her, and jokingly curls his fingers like tiger claws, before taking the end of the rope in his mouth and climbing the wall like some sort of Spiderman. When he reaches the ledge, he tugs on the rope and Linda walks towards the wall hesitantly. She can’t understand how Zak managed to get up there in less than thirty seconds. Where did he place his feet? Where were the holds for his hands? Zak tugs on the rope again.

  ‘Yes, yes, alright,’ says Linda.

  ‘You have to keep your weight on your feet; most people make the mistake of taking too much weight on their arms. It’s your legs that are the strongest.’

  ‘Okay.’ Linda finds a notch in the wall and gets a tiny foothold. She runs her fingertips across the surface of the wall. She feels some crevasses. If she can make it up the first couple of metres, she’ll have more to grab onto further up. She can already feel she’s doing it completely wrong; that she’s using her arms to pull herself up. But she can’t see her feet. How can she trust something she can’t see?

  ‘Feel the wall, Linda. You don’t need to look the whole way up, just take one step at a time, and the rest will follow.’

  ‘Sure!’

  Linda still has her left foot on the ground.

  ‘You’ve got to believe you can do it,’ Zak says, encouraging her.

  Linda takes a deep breath, and looks up at Zak, who seemed to climb as easily as if he’d been on flat ground. She puts her left foot where she has a feeling there must be somewhere to grip, and is surprised to find she’s right. Then she finds a crack for her right foot. Now she reaches up again with her left hand. She looks up. Zak is kneeling up at the top looking down at her. He nods at her. She feels herself smile. She feels excited; she’ll soon reach the easiest bit of the wall. If she can just grab hold of that protruding edge up there to her left, she’ll be able to pull herself up. She stretches, stretches as far as she can, and then: her right foot slips, and she starts to fall.

  ‘No!’

  Linda’s fingertips scrape against the wall and she’s glad she doesn’t have any long nails to break. She fumbles for something to grab, but she just grazes her fingertips more. I’m going to die now, she thinks.

  In a flash she imagines her funeral: a vicar with his robes billowing in the wind, followed by a group of mourners. The wreaths on the white coffin looking as if they might blow away at any moment. At the graveside, the coffin is put onto a kind of platform and then lowered into the ground. Linda sees her parents standing there with their arms round each other. The vicar says a few words that are carried away on the wind, before he scatters earth over the coffin with a little spade.

  The vicar takes out a hymnbook and starts singing. His song cuts through the wind and Linda’s mother breaks down. Then Linda sees blood running out from under her mum’s skirt. It’s running down her legs. Oh, no! Not her little brother too!

  ‘No!’

  Linda smashes her hand through the lid of the coffin. She grabs something. A hand. A cold hand. She opens her eyes. It is Zak.

  Chapter 23

  ‘Take it easy. I’ve got you,’ says Zak, hanging down from the wall above her. ‘You were impatient so you forgot to feel the wall.’

  ‘I saw Mum. She lost the baby and I was sure it was a brother,’ says Linda, holding onto Zak.

  ‘Well, perhaps it is a brother. Come on now.’

  Zak takes a firm grip of her jacket collar with one hand, and with the other he guides her hand to another place she can grip. He holds her tightly until she has both hands and feet in place, and then disappears up again. Linda clings to the wall. Her fingertips are sore and her knee is hurting badly where it smashed into the wall when she lost hold. And, even worse, her heart has gone completely bananas. She could have died.

  ‘Can I climb down?’ she whines.

  ‘No way!’ comes the answer.

  ‘But I can’t do this,’ Linda protests.

  ‘Just follow the wall, Linda. You can do it,’ he shouts encouragingly.

  ‘I can do this. I can, I can,’ she whispers quietly to herself, with her forehead against the cold stone.

  ‘That’s the spirit!’ Zak shouts, as if he’d heard her.

  Linda takes a deep brea
th, searches for another foothold and something to grab with her hands, and then she’s on her way. Up and up. Not as fast or as elegantly as Zak, but she feels certain now that she’ll manage it. Nothing can stop her. I am a tiger, she says to herself. A tiger and a spider. A spider-tiger.

  ‘That was exciting, wasn’t it?’ Zak asks her, when she’s finally beside him on the top ledge.

  ‘I thought I was going to die. It was horrible. I saw my funeral and everything,’ says Linda, leaning her back against the wall.

  ‘Oh, well.’

  ‘Is that all you’ve got to say?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘I was suddenly sure that the baby’s going to be a little boy. Mum and Dad haven’t said anything. I think it’s because they’re frightened they’re going to lose it. It’s happened twice before. If I die, the shock might make Mum lose this baby too. And then it’ll be my fault.’

  ‘No, it won’t. If it happens, that’s how it was meant to be,’ says Zak.

  ‘Well, I can’t die before the baby’s born, at least,’ says Linda determinedly.

  ‘Come on. Let’s go inside,’ says Zak, getting up.

  He doesn’t seem the least bit interested in talking about Linda’s vision. That upsets her. She’d like him to listen to her at least, and to tell her how wise she is too. Linda’s eyes follow him as he balances his way towards a little door. He takes a key from his pocket and unlocks it.

  ‘Where did you get that key?’ Linda shouts after him.

  ‘A kind of loan. Now, hurry up!’

  Zak opens the door and slips in.

  Linda glances down at the ground and feels a knot in her stomach. Oh my God, it’s a long way down. How did she manage to climb all the way up here? Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath and strokes her sore fingertips with her thumbs. Then she opens her eyes again, and edges her way carefully to where Zak is holding the door open. She peers in. It is pitch black inside.

  ‘Wow, it’s dark in there,’ she says, trying her best to sound cool. But her voice is trembling so much she can’t even convince herself.

  ‘It’s lucky you’ve got a torch,’ says Zak, fishing out a torch from her rucksack.

  ‘Hmm,’ says Linda uncertainly. ‘I only wanted to have a little talk with God. Perhaps he can hear me just as well out here?’

  ‘You’re not chickening out, are you? I’d never have thought that of you,’ Zak teases.

  He switches on the torch before signalling for Linda to go in ahead of him. But his eyes glint like reflectors as the light hits his face. She hesitates again. What are you? she thinks. The words flash through her head, but as she opens her mouth to say them, nothing comes out. It’s as though icy water had been poured in her veins, and instinctively she moves back, stepping out into thin air. Zak grabs her in an instant, almost before she starts to scream. But even when she’s brought safely back onto the ledge, she continues to scream.

  Zak takes her in his arms and holds her tight.

  ‘Hush, now. You don’t want to wake up the whole town with your screams, do you?’

  ‘Oh, my God! I thought . . .’ Linda stutters. She can hear the blood pounding round her ears.

  ‘You’re alright,’ says Zak comfortingly.

  Linda looks up at his face. His eyes look completely normal. She glances down over the side again, but Zak is quick and drags her back from the edge.

  ‘I reckon it’ll be safer if we go in,’ he says.

  He lets go of her abruptly, and disappears in through the door.

  ‘Please, don’t go!’

  ‘I’m still here!’ says Zak, poking his head back out. ‘You take the torch.’

  Linda takes it and feels anything but brave as she stoops to get through the little doorway.

  ‘Wait here,’ he says, as soon as she’s in.

  ‘Please don’t leave me,’ Linda protests again.

  ‘If I don’t leave, I can’t come back. I’m only going to fix the lights.’

  ‘But . . . but we’ve got a torch,’ Linda says forlornly.

  ‘Yes, but wouldn’t it be better if I went and turned on some lights? Besides, there’s an alarm I need to switch off.’

  ‘But what if there are ghosts? Haven’t you heard about the headless monk? Imagine if he comes when I’m here alone.’

  ‘Yeah, just imagine!’ says Zak, with an exaggerated shiver, before bursting into laughter and disappearing.

  Chapter 24

  ‘Zak?’

  Linda’s voice is quiet, but the word echoes sharply around the cathedral. Her hair stands on end. She directs the beam of the torch over towards the gallery where Zak disappeared, but can’t see any trace of him. Why is he taking so long? She strains her ears, but can’t hear any footsteps coming back to her.

  ‘Zak!’

  This time she shouts his name, and in an instant she sees something flicker like the eyes of a cat. Oh, my God! she thinks, as she turns off the torch. Her heart is beating uncontrollably now. Her pulse rate must be dangerously high. Perhaps it’s so high she’ll die? She remembers the doctor who said she mustn’t exert herself. But right now she doesn’t have a choice. She’s got to battle with all these scary thoughts to stop them overwhelming her. Had she seen right? Did Zak’s eyes really shine like a cat’s? Or perhaps it was just something she’d imagined? What is it about Zak? Is he a ghost himself? That would explain the way he turns up all the time in the weirdest places, and the way she never notices him before he’s right next to her. On the other hand, he seems so real. Apart from the fact that he’s so cold to the touch. Perhaps he doesn’t have blood. Perhaps he’s a vampire? They can hypnotize people so as to control them. Perhaps that’s why she can never ask him any questions? Or, at least, when she does, he certainly never gives her a straight answer.

  Well, she’s certainly in a cold sweat under this jacket, and she has goosebumps all over. Aren’t these the signals our body sends out when there’s danger lurking? She’s got to focus now. She pulls the zip of her jacket all the way up to her chin. Not that it helps. She should have brought a warm shawl. But no sooner does she think it than all the scary thoughts close in again. Isn’t Zak coming soon? Even if he is something dreadful, she prefers his company to being left utterly alone in the dark. And if it turns out that he really is a vampire, just longing to sink his teeth into her and drink her blood, then so be it.

  No! Now she really must focus on something else. Linda takes out her mobile. No new messages. She puts it back in her pocket and sits down. It’s cold on the floor, probably dusty too.

  Her pocket vibrates. Linda takes out her phone and checks it. It’s not Axel. It’s Maria: Are you home yet? Ring me. Can’t sleep. Scared something might happen to you. Maria xx

  Linda feels Maria’s worry invade her mind. Whiney-Maria. And herself? Bad-Linda? She sighs and starts answering the text: Sorry. I’m fine. Sleep well babes xxx

  Then the cathedral suddenly fills with light and Linda jumps, dropping the phone on the floor.

  ‘Calm down,’ she says to herself. ‘Zak will be back soon. Like always.’

  Linda decides to send the text later, saving it as a draft. In an effort to calm her nerves while she’s waiting for Zak, she flicks through the video clips she has saved on her mobile. She opens one of Axel.

  ‘Wow,’ he says into the mobile camera. ‘You’re wearing a dress.’

  ‘Aren’t you going to say how nice it is,’ she hears herself say from behind the camera.

  ‘Yes, it’s nice.’

  ‘Do you mean it?’

  Axel laughs into the camera and is about to say something else, when the video stops and the picture freezes on him, eyes closed and turning away.

  Linda feels a hand on her shoulder and flinches. But it’s only Zak, of course. He grabs her mobile.

  ‘Who’s that? He looks lame! Ha ha ha!’ Zak’s laughter echoes scarily around the cathedral.

  ‘That’s Axel.’

  Linda moves for her mobile, but Zak is holding it
out of her reach.

  ‘Is that your boyfriend, then?’ he asks, teasing her.

  ‘No, Oscar’s my boyfriend,’ sighs Linda, suddenly aware that Zak has touched on a raw nerve

  ‘But Axel’s the one you’re looking at film clips of? Very logical,’ says Zak, playing the film clip through. When it’s over he sits down next to her and gives her the mobile back.

  ‘It’s not that simple,’ Linda says, turning the mobile over in her hand.

  Zak sits quietly, giving her time to go on. She decides she might as well say it as it is: that it’s just a mess.

  When Linda has finished offloading her heart, she takes the list out of her pocket and gives it to Zak. He gives it a quick glance before handing it back.

  ‘It looks like a pretty good list. But do you really think life is made up of things to be crossed off a list? What are you going to do when everything’s been crossed off? Will you be ready to die then? Will you be finished? If so, it might not be a good idea to be so obsessed with completing these tasks.’

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t know what I should do. I’ve never died before!’

  ‘That’s what you think, at least,’ says Zak.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Maybe you’ve lived lots of times before. Perhaps the life you’re living now is just a dream? Perhaps you’re actually asleep and dreaming all this,’ Zak says, sounding philosophical.