Minus Me

by Ingelin Rossland

  ‘Are you just kidding me?’ she asks.

  But every cell inside her is jumping up and down with excitement, every little atom in her is buzzing.

  ‘I could do with a break,’ laughs the bassist, Andreas.

  ‘That’s a deal then,’ declares Chris.

  ‘But there’s one problem,’ says Linda. ‘The doorman refused to let us in, and if he sees me on stage, he’ll go crazy.’

  ‘We’ll handle that. You two can be our guests tonight,’ says the drummer.

  Linda wonders if she’s too young to be in love with someone over twenty. But Tommy is so fit, and he’s written his name on her arm. She’s never going to wash it off. Nor the names of the others; she likes them all. Perhaps she’s getting as boy-mad as Maria?

  Chapter 39

  Tommy, the world’s coolest drummer, with rings in his ears, tattoos and wild bushy hair, leads Linda and Zak along the corridor and out into the auditorium. It’s already crammed with people who have got themselves a good place in front of the stage. Tommy gets hold of the doorman, who still has his big down jacket on despite the heat inside.

  ‘These two are our guests tonight. She’s going to play with us for one of the songs, so it would be great if you could help her get a place at the front, near the stage, when the concert starts.’

  The doorman’s eyes narrow the instant he recognizes Linda and Zak. But he doesn’t argue. He just nods.

  ‘Right,’ says Tommy. ‘Do you two fancy a drink? A Coke? A Fanta? A beer?’

  ‘Soft drinks only!’ says the doorman sternly.

  Linda and Zak nod in unison. Tommy says he’s got to join the others backstage.

  ‘But I’ll see you on stage,’ he says to Linda, winking at her so she tingles from the roots of her hair to her toes.

  Zak tugs her sleeve sharply, to stop her gawping at Tommy’s disappearing back.

  ‘Come on, Linda,’ he says.

  The doorman escorts them to the temporary bar and leans over the counter.

  ‘These kiddies are with the band. They’re guests. But they’re only allowed soft drinks. Understood?’

  ‘Sure. Shall I put them on the Pet Monsters’ tab?’

  ‘Yes,’ says the doorman, before turning back to Zak and Linda. ‘I’m going now. But I’ll come back when the concert’s about to start. And God help you if I see you near any alcohol. Understood?’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ Linda and Zak say in unison.

  ‘Don’t worry about Roy. He’s just concerned that everything should run smoothly,’ says the barman, before asking what they want.

  Zak says he’ll be fine with just a glass of water, while Linda takes advantage of the offer of a free Fanta and peanuts. She digs into her bag of nuts greedily and chucks a fistful into her mouth.

  ‘I was starving,’ she says, swallowing. ‘You want some nuts?’

  ‘No, thanks,’ says Zak, not making any move to drink his water.

  ‘But you must be ravenous!’

  ‘I’m allergic to nuts. My throat will swell up so I can’t breathe, if I get the tiniest bit of peanut in my mouth,’ says Zak.

  He puts his glass on the bar. Linda feels sure he intends to forget it there. What is it with this guy? Why doesn’t he eat or drink? She remembers the hairdresser’s reaction when he said he was allergic to cats.

  ‘You’re strange, but are you really allergic?’ Linda says, challenging him.

  ‘Lots of things are strange,’ says Zak dismissively.

  ‘Well, one thing’s for certain – you’re very different from me,’ says Linda.

  ‘That’s what you think,’ he says. ‘Look, the band’s coming on stage. Shall we go and get a good place?’

  ‘Wasn’t Roy going to help us find one at the front?’ asks Linda, looking round the venue.

  ‘As if we need that grumpy old git!’ sneers Zak.

  Linda doesn’t know how, but suddenly they’re right at the front. The Pet Monsters have entered the stage, and everybody is screaming and shouting. Some girls yell out ‘Chris! Chris! Chris!’ They don’t know that Tommy’s actually the loveliest band member of all. But he’s sitting behind his drum kit with his sunglasses on, so nobody can see his eyes.

  ‘Oh, I wish I could be a rock star,’ Linda shouts to Zak, over the roaring noise.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Just look at how many people admire the Pet Monsters. And how much they love them,’ says Linda. ‘And rock stars live on in their music, even after they die.’

  ‘Do you think that makes dying easier?’

  ‘It would be nice to know you’d done something people would remember. That had left a mark.’

  ‘But, Linda, do you really think people will forget you when you die?’ Zak says, struggling to be heard over the noise of the crowd. ‘What about your parents and friends? Do you think they’d miss you more if you sat behind a drum kit with sunglasses on?’

  Linda doesn’t answer. She feels embarrassed that Zak’s realized she’s a little bit smitten with Tommy. And Zak seems to notice her embarrassment too, since he takes her hand and gives it a little squeeze. Then he whispers in her ear that she’ll get to be a rock star tonight, at least.

  ‘Can you film me on my mobile when I’m up there playing?’

  ‘Sure!’ shouts Zak.

  But they can’t say more, because now the drummer is counting the band in and the concert starts with a crash, literally. Fountains of fire light up the sides of the stage. The band gives it their all. Linda can’t stop taking the occasional extra look at Tommy, but not so much that Zak would notice, she hopes. She sings along with the chorus, and the verses too. After the first song, the vocalist introduces all the band, before announcing that they have a guest artist tonight. Linda suddenly feels very hot and then freezing cold, when she realizes it’s already her turn.

  ‘Please give a warm welcome to lovely Linda from Trondheim!’ shouts Chris.

  The audience stamps and shouts, even though they can’t possibly know who she is. Zak pushes her up onto the stage. Andreas hangs his bass on her. Chris asks if she’s ready. Linda nods, and glances quickly back at the smiling Tommy. He counts them in. Then she looks out over the auditorium. The lights are so strong the audience just looks like a sea. Linda closes her eyes, strikes the bass strings, and although she doesn’t have a mic she sings:

  I never really cared for pleasure,

  So I smile when your words cut me like a razor.

  Deep pain, deep pain.

  The only thing that keeps me sane.

  Deep pain, deep pain.

  Please slice me again and again.

  And in the middle of it all, what she hopes for most is that Zak is filming this, so a little bit of what she is doing now will remain forever.

  Chapter 40

  The door of the tour bus slides closed with a sigh, and Zak and Linda are safely inside. They’re getting a lift with the band. Linda is exhausted, but she still has the concert going round in her head, so there’s no point trying to sleep. Nobody else looks particularly sleepy either. The bus moves off, saying a goodbye to the town and the concert hall. A poster for the Pet Monsters concert is peeling from a wall, and one of the corners is flapping. Linda feels like it’s waving goodbye, but she knows it’s only the wind.

  She takes her phone out of her pocket. She forgot to answer her mother’s text, and now she has a pile of missed calls. She doesn’t even need to check who they’re from.

  ‘Oh my God, eighteen missed calls, and a text from Maria,’ she groans.

  ‘Oh, dear,’ says Zak, leaning over to see what it says.

  Your mum rang. Sorry. I couldn’t lie well enough. :-( She went ballistic! Come home now!

  ‘So, you didn’t ask permission to come?’

  ‘What do you think?’

  Zak puts his arms around her comfortingly. Then he shows her the video of the concert. It looks very cool. The sound is a bit dodgy, but Linda does a pretty good job on the bass.

  ‘Did yo
u film it? Let’s see,’ says Tommy, grabbing the mobile to look. ‘Wow, that’s awesome! We’ve gotta put that on our blog!’

  ‘Yeah, that’s amazing,’ agrees Chris. ‘You’ve really gotta join a band, Linda!’

  ‘But I can only play one song,’ says Linda, her cheeks burning from all the attention.

  ‘Well, I reckon you look like a real rock star,’ says Tommy.

  Tommy’s last comment makes her cheeks burn even more. She’s glad the bus is dark, so that nobody can see her face right now. Zak still has his arm around her. It feels safe, like having a big brother, and she leans her head on his chest. She can feel herself falling asleep.

  ‘You’re still coming with me, all the way?’ she asks, her face buried in the black t-shirt.

  ‘I certainly am!’ says Zak.

  It occurs to Linda again that Zak doesn’t have a smell. But then, everything around her seems to be growing less and less distinct at the moment, not just smells.

  The last thing she hears is Andreas telling them that they can take Linda and Zak as far as Voss, and then the band are heading west towards Bergen. Zak answers that Voss will be perfect, and that he’s sure they’ll get a lift from there with a lorry or something.

  Linda is still tired and aching when they stop at the petrol station at Voss. Though that’s hardly surprising as it’s the middle of the night. Everybody, except Zak, is gobbling up hotdogs. The boys in the band wanted to buy Zak one too, but he said he was a veggie. Linda is leaning on a tall counter. She’s got Tommy to herself for a bit, while the others wander about among the shelves, peering at the useful-to-have-in-the-car-things like ice scrapers, thermos cups with holders, sunglasses and lord-knows-what. Linda would like to have a proper, meaningful conversation with Tommy, but can’t find the words. She barely dares look at him, and again she thinks how stupid she is to like him so much. But then, there’s no law against liking someone. It’s not as if she’s seriously considering kissing him or something. She knows he’s too old. It’s Axel she’s going to kiss, providing she and Zak get there before her parents stop her. Good God, kiss Tommy?! How ridiculous. It’s enough to make her laugh! Which is what she suddenly does.

  ‘What are you laughing at?’ asks Tommy. ‘Have I got ketchup all over my face?’

  Linda peers over at him, and laughs even harder when she sees a blob of ketchup on his nose.

  ‘Yes, you’ve got a bit there,’ she says.

  She wipes it off the tip of his nose with her serviette. She has no idea where she gets the courage.

  ‘Ha-ha. Good job you’re making sure I don’t ruin my image! A rock star with ketchup on his nose. That’s not cool!’ he laughs.

  ‘No,’ she says, relieved that he’s laughing.

  Then, as though they’d read each other’s minds, they race to see who can finish their hotdog and Coke the fastest. Linda wins and celebrates her victory by thumping her chest and releasing a big burp. Tommy looks at her in horror and then bursts into laughter and tries to do the same. But he fails to produce such an impressive burp. Linda giggles, pleased with herself.

  ‘So, how did you get so famous?’ she asks.

  ‘The Pet Monsters aren’t exactly famous,’ he says, suddenly looking a bit embarrassed.

  ‘Maybe not, but you’ve made records and you tour the whole country. You’re living a dream,’ she says.

  ‘Yeah, that’s what I used to think before we made our big breakthrough. But now it just seems kind of normal. We’re the same guys as we were; a bunch of small-town boys who started playing together at high school. I don’t feel as special as I thought I would,’ he says.

  ‘Can I tell you a secret?’

  ‘If you want.’

  ‘I’m going to die soon,’ she says.

  And as she says it she sees the same look come into his eyes, the same shadow of fear, as she’s seen in the eyes of everyone else she’s ever told. And then the sense of agitation she’s noticed in their bodies, as though they were wearing an incredibly itchy jumper but had to hide their discomfort. But still, Linda decides to continue.

  ‘That’s why we’re going to the south coast. I’ve got to put something right that I did wrong, before I die. I can’t just sit at home and be frightened, while I wait for death to come and get me.’

  ‘Well, that was some secret,’ says Tommy. The agitation has crept into his fingers, and he’s picking at the label on his bottle.

  ‘Usually I try to behave as though it’s not true. Because everyone who knows I’m going to die gets so scared.’

  Tommy stops picking. He swallows hard and looks up at her. But he can’t hold her gaze.

  ‘So what’s down south?’

  ‘There’s a boy. He’s called Axel,’ says Linda.

  It feels good to have mentioned Axel. That way Tommy won’t suspect that she likes him as much as she does. Or, then again, maybe she’s no better at controlling her body language than he is.

  ‘Is that the boyfriend you were talking about? The guy who taught you to play the bass?’ asks Tommy, throwing his empty bottle in the rubbish bin.

  ‘Oy, there! Bottles go in the recycling!’ comes an angry voice from behind the counter.

  ‘Oops, sorry,’ says Tommy, fishing the bottle back out of the bin. It looks like he’s about to walk over to the bottle bank, and so Linda hurries on with her story.

  ‘But I was lying when I said he was my boyfriend.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I want him to be my boyfriend. It was meant to be. Always. It’s just that I didn’t know until now. And this summer I was really mean to him, that’s why I have to go to him now. I have to beg his forgiveness before I die.’

  ‘That’s one of the bravest things I’ve ever heard,’ says Tommy.

  ‘Thanks.’

  Linda looks at Tommy again. He seems rather upset. She suddenly feels stupid for having poured out the whole story about her dying. She’s been yelling at everyone not to remind her that she’s going to die, and now here she is talking about it to someone she had no reason to tell. Somebody who could have seen her as a completely normal girl.

  ‘We’d have offered you a lift all the way, but we can’t. The tour goes on, and we’ve got to be in Bergen early tomorrow,’ says Tommy, peering at his watch. ‘Although strictly speaking it’s tomorrow already!’

  He laughs. Linda laughs back, and says it’s not a problem. They’re sure to get a lift from here.

  ‘Take good care, then,’ he says.

  ‘I will,’ says Linda.

  ‘And you’re welcome to play with us again some time.’

  ‘Thank you. And thanks for the hotdog and Coke.’

  Tommy just nods, before picking up the bottles and taking them over to the bottle bank. Then he winks at Linda as he walks back past her and out into the night, which will soon turn to morning.

  Chapter 41

  Zak is sitting on a crate outside the petrol station, leaning against the wall. Linda goes and sits next to him. He opens his eyes and smiles.

  ‘Everything okay?’

  ‘I suppose. Did you sleep?’

  ‘Meditated. You’re looking very thoughtful. What’s up?’

  ‘Oh, nothing . . . or, rather, I don’t quite know yet. There won’t be any buses from here at this time of night. But do you think we’ll get a lift?’

  ‘In five minutes,’ says Zak, leaning back and closing his eyes again.

  ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘I don’t know it, I just believe it,’ says Zak smiling.

  Linda feels quite awake now that she’s eaten. She leans forward with her elbows resting on her knees and scans the horizon for cars. Soon a van turns into the petrol station forecourt, but it’s only a guy delivering some stacks of newspapers. Linda barely manages to get to her feet before the van races off again.

  ‘Relax,’ says Zak, without opening his eyes.

  She closes her eyes and tries to sit calmly like him. She counts to ten and then back to zero, t
rying to breathe in time with her counting and let her thoughts drift, the way Zak taught her on the train. But it’s difficult, especially when she’s feeling so cold. But she tries.

  ‘What did I say?’ says Zak suddenly, poking her.

  A lorry has driven into the forecourt, and a little guy wearing heavy clogs and baggy jeans jumps down from the cab. He disappears into the petrol station and through the window they see him ordering a hotdog.

  ‘Do you think he’s going south?’ asks Linda.

  ‘Well, he was driving from the north,’ says Zak.

  With a hotdog in one hand, the morning paper under his arm and a Coke stuffed in his back pocket, the lorry driver comes back out of the shop.

  ‘Hey! Joe!’ shouts Linda, smiling as she walks towards him.

  He stops, looking confused.

  ‘If that’s your name . . . I saw it up there on your lorry,’ Linda says, pointing up at the sign that says Joe Nilsen.

  The lorry driver looks up at his cab, before nodding and wiping his mouth with a serviette.

  ‘You want something?’

  ‘Are you driving south?’

  ‘I’m driving home to Haugesund.’

  ‘Is it possible to hitch a ride?’

  ‘Aren’t you a bit young to be hitch-hiking?’ asks Joe, before stuffing the rest of his hotdog into his mouth.

  ‘I’m with Zak. He’s . . . my big brother,’ says Linda, smiling as innocently as she can.

  ‘Still, hitch-hiking can be dangerous. What if you took a ride with someone bad?’

  Zak gets up from his crate. He goes over to Joe and offers him his hand.

  ‘I’m Zak. Lucky for us, then, that we found a nice guy like you.’

  ‘Right,’ says Joe, shaking Zak’s hand.

  ‘You see, Joe, we’re on the way to see our grandmother, and we’ve lost all our money. So it would be perfect if we could come with you.’

  Zak’s certainly a good liar, thinks Linda.

  ‘Yes, and our parents are away in Spain, and since it’s the first time they’ve been on holiday without us, we don’t want to worry them by ringing them,’ says Linda, hoping that Joe doesn’t point out that it’s the middle of the night.