Minus Me

by Ingelin Rossland

  ‘Well, as I was saying, I’m on my way home to Haugesund. You can come as far as that, at least.’

  ‘Brilliant!’ says Linda.

  Joe unlocks the cab and opens the door on the passenger’s side. Linda clambers in first and Zak follows. The driver’s cab is covered with pictures of a woman with blonde hair. There’s even a picture of her on the well-worn thermos cup on the dashboard. There’s a picture on the calendar hanging next to the driver’s seat too, but of a woman with even blonder hair, and with a massive smile and huge boobs. Dolly Parton, it says in pink letters. Linda picks up all the CDs on the seat and puts them on the dashboard before sitting down. Joe opens the door on the driver’s side, throws in the newspaper followed by the Coke bottle, and then climbs in.

  ‘Who’s Dolly Parton?’ asks Linda.

  ‘She’s the queen of country,’ says Joe, fastening his safety belt.

  ‘I’ve never heard of her. Is she dead?’

  ‘No, she’s very much alive. Dolly Parton is a real classy lady, who sings about the most important thing in life,’ says Joe.

  ‘And what’s that?’

  ‘Love,’ says Joe, putting on some music.

  As they turn out of the petrol station forecourt, Joe breaks into song with a falsetto voice: ‘I really got the feeling that I’ll love you for a long, long time.’ Linda nudges Zak and giggles quietly. But, if she’s honest, Joe hasn’t got such a bad voice, and Dolly Parton makes great motorway music. So Linda leans back and decides to enjoy the trip.

  Linda must have fallen asleep again, because they’re soon driving onto the ferry from Kvandal to Utne. Joe switches off the engine, and asks what happened to the newspaper he bought.

  ‘I don’t know,’ says Linda.

  ‘Here it is,’ says Zak, passing it to him. ‘I had a look at it. There’s nothing interesting.’

  ‘It’s good to keep up with the news,’ says Joe, spreading the newspaper out. ‘Oh dear! War, murder, rising prices. You’re right, there’s nothing worth reading,’ Joe says, shaking his head with a sigh, and folding the paper up again.

  Linda leans forward to look at the back page with the weather chart.

  ‘Well, at least it’s going to be nice weather here today,’ she says, pointing at it.

  ‘Well I never!’ says Joe. ‘A day without rain in these parts. Now that’s what I call good news!’

  The ferry conductor bangs on the window and interrupts their philosophizing. Joe opens the lorry door. His pass pays for all three of them. Zak leans back in his seat and pretends to be asleep. But Linda feels awake again, and wants to talk. Dolly Parton is still singing ‘I Will Always Love You’ in the background, and her songs seem as perfect for the ferry ride as for a motorway drive.

  ‘That’s so lovely,’ says Linda, turning up the volume.

  Joe doesn’t answer. He just let’s the music play for a time.

  Suddenly Joe leans forward and turns the CD player off.

  ‘That’s the saddest song I know,’ he says, wiping his eyes.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘It reminds me of my Ingrid,’ says Joe, choking back tears, and then covering it up by knocking back the rest of his Coke. ‘Oh dear, I’d better go and buy a cup of coffee.’

  ‘No, stay. Tell me about Ingrid instead. Is she the one in all the pictures?’ asks Linda, resting a hand on Joe’s arm in the hope of making him stay.

  ‘Yes, that’s Ingrid,’ he says, putting the lid back on the empty plastic bottle. ‘Ingrid is the finest woman in the world, after Dolly Parton. And she was my lady, until that Swedish rat stole her from me. Ludvig. A doctor. What chance did I have against a doctor? When I was just a miserable midwife.’

  ‘Wow, are you really a midwife?’

  ‘That’s right. These hands have brought a thousand babies into this world. But after Ludvig came along and stole my Ingrid, I couldn’t hack it any more. So I got a lorry-driver’s permit, and now I’m a long-distance lorry driver.’

  ‘But perhaps you’ll meet someone else,’ says Linda encouragingly.

  ‘There’s no woman like Ingrid,’ says Joe, with a lump in his throat.

  ‘Perhaps it would be easier to get over her if you took all these pictures down, and played some other music, instead of that sentimental country rubbish,’ suggests Zak, who has suddenly come to life next to Linda.

  ‘I don’t know if I’ll ever get over her,’ says Joe.

  ‘Hmm,’ says Zak, leaning forward to switch the radio back on.

  ‘. . . a thirteen-year-old girl has been reported missing . . .’ Linda throws herself at the radio and changes the station.

  ‘. . . when the going gets tough, we’ll dance through the night, and I’ll hold you so tight, yeah, yeah, sweet baby, gotta live life . . .’

  ‘Listen, it’s some rock. This will cheer you up,’ says Linda.

  The back gate of the ferry yawns open towards Utne. The dawn light is creeping into the sky. And as the lorry drives off the ferry onto the quay, the song from the radio almost screams about living life to the full. Yes, thinks Linda to herself, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

  Chapter 42

  Joe flashes his lights and honks his horn to say goodbye, as he turns his lorry out of the slip road by the motorway. Linda and Zak wave goodbye too. They are alone again, this time on a scarily deserted stretch of road. But it was better to jump out close to Aksdal rather than going all the way to Haugesund. Now that Linda’s disappearance is being broadcast on the radio, it’s best to stay away from any towns. It was lucky Joe didn’t notice. Joe offered to drop them off in the middle of Aksdal, and they’d thanked him, but said no. They’re too close to their goal to risk being stopped now. In fact they ought to be careful about hitch-hiking and taking buses too. Joe pointed out the direction they need to go.

  ‘I suppose we’d better start walking,’ says Zak, when Joe has turned the corner.

  ‘This is a hopeless project,’ Linda sighs. ‘Besides, I’m shattered. Can’t we find somewhere to sleep for a while?’

  ‘Sure, but at least let’s start to walk in the right direction. Come on, I’ll give you a piggyback.’

  ‘Are you sure you can manage?’

  ‘Yes, for a while anyway. I’m stronger than I look.’

  Linda jumps up onto his back, and he starts to walk. They’ll never get there at this rate. She sighs, though she’s decided not to moan.

  ‘Something the matter?’ asks Zak.

  ‘No. It’s not as cold as it was,’ she says, trying to sound optimistic.

  ‘Well, we’re heading for the spring.’

  ‘What a lovely thought,’ says Linda, resting her cheek upon Zak’s shoulder. ‘We’re heading for the spring.’

  Linda closes her eyes and feels the sun warming her face. Not a lot, but it helps. Just as every step brings her a little closer to her goal.

  Zak stops and lets Linda down from his back. They’ve come to a little farm that looks uninhabited. There’s a red barn at the side of the road. Trustingly, it’s been left open. The latch just has to be lifted, and anyone can walk in. So that’s what they do. The air is dry and smells of hay, and there’s just enough for a little bed. Linda walks over and lets herself collapse into it.

  ‘Oh, how amazing,’ she says.

  ‘Are you cold?’ asks Zak, kneeling down beside her. ‘Let me tuck you in.’

  He piles hay on top of her, so that she’s lying cosily in a little nest.

  ‘Thank you,’ she says. ‘And thank you for coming.’

  ‘It’s nothing. I had to come down south anyway,’ he answers.

  ‘Do you think we’ll get there?’

  ‘Of course,’ he says.

  ‘Will you guess when, again?’

  ‘No, because we’re so close. What could stop us?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe you’re right.’

  ‘I am right. Now stop worrying.’

  ‘Aren’t you going to take a little rest too?’ asks Linda, realizing that
she’s more asleep than awake.

  ‘No. I think I’ll take a look around. Something might turn up that can get us there in the blink of an eye. What would be the most amazing thing that could happen now?’

  ‘If we suddenly found a car,’ says Linda, laughing. ‘Will you hold my hand until I fall asleep?’

  ‘Of course,’ says Zak. He settles next to her and gives her his hand.

  ‘Hey, you’re so cold.’

  ‘It’s still February,’ he says, giving her hand a gentle kiss.

  Chapter 43

  Linda dreams. The dream takes her back in time and to the south coast. The summer holidays are over, and the car has been packed for the return journey back up north to Trondheim. Axel has come to say goodbye. He is sitting on his bike with one foot on the pedal and the other on the ground. He lifts his hand to her face, and is about to say something. But just as he opens his mouth, Linda is sucked out of the picture. Her body is whisked forward in time, and suddenly she is on the wall of the Nidaros Cathedral. She is scrambling up it with her bare hands and feet. She is like a spider, and the wall is much higher than she remembered. When she looks down, a huge chasm opens up below her. It is filled with flames and smoke. She hears screams and realizes that it’s hell. If she loses her foothold now she’ll be doomed. The thought barely enters her mind when she slips and falls. But somebody grabs her. It is Zak. He looks deep into her eyes. Linda can see the flames of hell reflected in his pupils, as he drags her to safety. Then her body is sucked back to the scene with Axel, and she’s sitting in the car again. But this time the car is already driving away. She sees her hand pressed up against the back window, and hears herself whisper: I’ll miss you too.

  Words that have been said too late to be heard. She turns to face forwards, and sees the backs of her parents’ heads. They are sitting in the front, talking to each other. Linda feels somehow that they’re not sitting in the same car. And perhaps they aren’t. She opens the back passenger door and steps out of the car while it’s moving. Her parents don’t even notice. The car just drives on with the back door swinging. They don’t even seem to have noticed. They just race off to get to the ferry on time. They reach the ferry, and only as it leaves the quayside with them on board do they see that the back seat of the car is empty. Her mother screams. Screams, and tears open the door. Stumbles across the deck and runs to the stern. But however loud she screams, however hard she grabs the ticket man and shouts that they can’t just leave their daughter behind, the ferry does not turn back. Then blood starts to flow from under her mother’s summer dress. Streams of blood run down her thighs and calves. She grabs her stomach.

  Linda wakes up sobbing. Zak is sitting there watching her.

  ‘Good morning,’ he says.

  ‘I had such a sad dream,’ says Linda, wiping her face.

  ‘About what?’

  ‘About Mum and Dad. We were on our way home from holiday. They thought I was in the back of the car. But I wasn’t. Mum just screamed and screamed, and then she started bleeding. It’s the second time I’ve dreamed of her losing the baby. Do you think it means something? Will it be my fault if they lose this baby?’

  ‘Perhaps your dream just means you miss them?’ Zak suggests.

  ‘I think perhaps I was wrong to go. They’ve reported me missing, and all I’ve done is switch off my phone. They must be scared. Perhaps the dream is telling me that I’m making Mum so scared that she’ll lose the baby.’

  ‘She’s not going to lose the baby. You’re going to get your little brother this time, I promise.’

  ‘How can you possibly promise that? You’re not an angel, after all, are you?’ Linda protests.

  ‘Do you think it’s up to angels to fix the world?’

  Linda doesn’t answer. She just shakes her head, even though she’d love to think angels existed, and that they could fix everything, and that Zak was one of them.

  ‘Do you want to turn back?’

  ‘No. No. The strange thing is that I feel so much stronger. My heart hasn’t acted weird since we left Trondheim.’

  ‘I’m glad you feel better. You look better too. But perhaps you should ring your parents, so your conscience feels a little lighter too?’

  ‘Okay. Will you wait for me outside while I talk to them?’

  ‘Of course.’

  He strokes her cheek with the back of his hand, almost as though she was just a little child and he was very, very old. Linda waits until Zak has left before taking out her phone. She turns it on and keys in the pin code. A flood of texts appears. Linda can’t be bothered to start reading them all. Instead she just dials her home number. Her parents must be sitting right by the phone, because they answer straight away.

  ‘Hi, it’s me,’ she says.

  ‘Linda, what are you doing? Where are you?’ her mother yells down the line.

  There’s no way she can hide the fact she’s hysterical. Not that Linda thinks she’s exactly trying.

  ‘I’ll be back soon. Don’t worry, Mum. There’s just something I have to do,’ says Linda.

  ‘There’s only one thing you have to do now, and that’s get yourself back home!’ bellows her father, who has taken the receiver.

  ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t.’

  ‘Can’t or won’t?’ he yells.

  ‘Both,’ she says.

  She can hear that her mum has taken the receiver again. She can hear her sobbing and gearing up to say something else. Linda can’t bare to listen to any more. They don’t understand. They don’t understand and she can’t cope with it. She ends the call, and then switches off the telephone completely. Then she gets up. She brushes away a few strands of hay and weighs the mobile in her hand, before letting it drop to the ground. Then she kicks it into the darkest corner of the barn and leaves. Zak is sitting outside, leaning against a sunny wall with his eyes closed. She goes over to him and stands in front of him, casting a shadow over him. He opens his eyes.

  ‘Did it go alright?’

  ‘Yes. No problem. They just wished us a good trip,’ says Linda.

  Chapter 44

  ‘You’ll never guess what I’ve found,’ says Zak, laughing.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Come with me and I’ll show you,’ he says.

  He stretches out a hand. Linda takes it and pulls him up to his feet.

  ‘I investigated the rest of the farm while you were asleep.’

  Zak leads Linda to an old stable. He lifts the latch and pushes the door open. Linda can see something pretty big under tarpaulin. A tractor perhaps?

  ‘This,’ says Zak, ‘is precisely what we need.’

  He lifts a corner of the tarpaulin, so Linda can see a car. A rather clapped-out old banger, but a car nevertheless. Zak pulls back the cover, releasing a shower of dust and dirt, and throws it into a corner.

  ‘It may not look smart, but I’ve already tried to start it and it goes like clockwork,’ he boasts, getting in. ‘Come on, jump in!’

  Linda gets in. She notices that Zak isn’t using an ignition key like any normal person. Instead he’s fiddling with some wires. It all looks far from legal.

  ‘Are we stealing this car?’

  ‘Hmm. It’s a kind of loan,’ says Zak, his face lighting up as the motor starts up. ‘What did I say? Works like a dream!’

  ‘Have you asked if you can borrow it? And if so, where’s the ignition key?’

  ‘Well, I haven’t exactly asked, but the owner doesn’t use it any more. Look, it’s covered with dust,’ he says, blowing the dashboard so that a cloud of dust fills the air.

  ‘Zak, when we were in the cathedral, you said we should be aware of our inner compass, and of the things we do wrong . . .’

  ‘Well, yes. Because then we can ask for forgiveness afterwards,’ says Zak, with a grin.

  ‘Isn’t it best to avoid doing things we have to ask forgiveness for afterwards? We can’t just take this car.’

  ‘Do you want to go and see Axel or not?’ he asks.
>
  Zak stalls the car and it lurches forward.

  ‘Do you even know how to drive?’

  ‘La-di-da, la-di-da,’ says Zak, getting out of the car and slamming the door after him. ‘As you want. We’ll go and ask if we can borrow it.’

  ‘Or we could take the bus,’ says Linda, slinking out of the car too.

  ‘The owner probably lives up there in that house,’ says Zak, pointing up the hill, and stomping towards it. Linda hangs back. They might just as well take the bus from here. It’s unlikely anyone will recognize her with her new blue hair. And they’re very close now anyway. She thinks about her parents and how frantic they were. They hadn’t listened to her at all. She just hopes they don’t discover where she’s going and try to stop her. It’s a good job she got rid of her phone. Linda kicks a stone. She follows it with her gaze. It lands in the middle of something green and white that’s peeping through last year’s yellow grass.

  ‘Snowdrops. There are snowdrops over here,’ she shouts.

  Zak turns and puts his hands on his hips. But Linda pretends not to see how exasperated he is and walks over to the flowers and starts picking them. ‘It’s good to bring a gift when you’re going to ask to borrow a car.’

  ‘Yeah, sure. And it’s even better when it’s a bunch of flowers you found in the owner’s garden! You’re the one who was talking so piously about right and wrong a minute ago!’

  Linda doesn’t answer. She carries on until she’s got a bunch, and then goes over to Zak who’s standing there waiting. He rolls his eyes and then strides off again. Linda looks up at the house. A head pokes round the kitchen curtains. They are being observed. What’s the worst that can happen? Linda thinks to herself.

  ‘That she tells you off for picking her snowdrops,’ says Zak, answering her thoughts.

  ‘How did you know . . . ?’

  ‘Well, she’s standing up there, glaring out of her window. Come on,’ he says, laughing.

  When they get to the house, he leaps up the front steps and rings the bell. Then he runs back and pushes Linda forward, before withdrawing into the background.