Coffee in Common

by Dee Mann

  An evil grin crept across her face as she reached for the empty foil muffin cup and crumpled it into a small ball.

  "Have I ever mentioned my incredible hand-eye coordination?"

  Tom was still by the door, his back to them, about fifteen feet way. Priya half-turned in her seat, brought her arm back, and let the ball fly. And fly it did, bouncing dead center off the back of Tom's head.

  "What the hell…?"

  He turned to find Priya and another woman sitting at a table laughing.

  "I should have known."

  He herded his family over to their table.

  "You know, in some companies, assaulting the boss gets you all the boring, rinky-dink work for a month or more."

  Priya laughed.

  "It was worth it to see the look on your face when you turned around."

  Priya introduced Maggie and Tom did the same for Patti and his kids, Justin, Katie, Louisa, Frank, and Kerri.

  "What are you guys doing in town?"

  "Taking your advice. Having fun with the family. The kids wanted to see where dad worked."

  Patti snorted.

  "Advice? The way I heard it, it was more like an order."

  Priya's eyes flicked from Tom to Patti and back again.

  "Yes, against your orders, he confessed to telling you all. I'm glad he did. He needed to unload and I was so…well, it wasn't fair to make him keep it all inside. Thank you for being there for him. And please thank Paul and Rob, too."

  Priya smiled.

  "I will. Umm…is everything okay?"

  "Yes! The doctor called yesterday. It's just a cyst. They're taking it out next Thursday."

  "That's wonderful news! No wonder you're celebrating!"

  They all chatted for a few more minutes until it became obvious the kids had reached their tolerance for standing around quietly. After buying coffee for themselves, juice for the kids, and pastry for all, Tom and Patti said goodbye and led the kids out for a picnic on the Common.

  "Are you and Brian going out, tonight?"

  "Not really. I'm meeting him later for a few hours, but he's off to some seminar in Dallas tonight. He won't be back until late Tuesday night. Why? Want to do something?"

  "Maybe. Do you like old movies? Old love stories?"

  "You mean like the old black and white things with Gretta Garbo and Lauren Bacall and such?"

  Maggie nodded.

  "Sure. I love those things."

  "Well I rented Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck, How to Marry a Millionaire with Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable and Lauren Bacall, and An Affair to Remember with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr. Want to come over and watch them with me?"

  Priya thought for a minute.

  "Brian's not leaving for the airport until six-thirty. I can pick up a pizza or something and be there between seven and seven-thirty. Okay?"

  "Okay. But no anchovies."

  "Were you planning to watch all three movies?"

  "Well, yes. I had nothing else to do. You don't have to stay for all of them, though."

  "Don't be silly. Those are three classics. I'm thinking maybe I'll bring some clothes and sleep on the couch."

  "Yes! I owe you a sleepover. But no barfing all over yourself like I did."

  Priya laughed.

  "I promise. No binge drinking tonight."

  Maggie joined the laughter.

  "So you know those are classics. Does that mean you're a movie buff?"

  It was Priya's turn to lower her voice as she said with a grin, "You may not know this, but we virgins spend a lot of time alone in our apartments. We watch lots and lots of movies. Especially love stories, so we can dream of the day we're not virgins anymore."

  11:25 AM

  Jillian and Paul lay on the grass in front of the Hatch Shell on the Esplanade, site of the annual Boston Pops Fourth of July concerts. They were on their backs, feet pointed in opposite directions, heads touching ear-to ear.

  They had walked slowly the mile and a half from her apartment to the Esplanade, stopping frequently to watch sailboats on the Charles or kids playing on the wide strip of grass that lined the shore.

  As they relaxed, Paul laid out his plans for the day with the exception of the two most important events. Although they had chatted about work and friends most of the way, he noted she hadn't brought up old friend Aiden.

  From the way she reacted when she saw him and the way she's that little bit distracted again, that guy Aiden has to be more than just a classmate. He has to be the ghost, the guy who hurt her. Damn him for showing up today of all days. Hmmm…if he can distract her that much, maybe I should rethink the plan for tonight. Or maybe it'd be better just to stick to it. Maybe…

  As they lay there, his mind churning like an out-of-control washing machine, he realized he was making himself crazy with worry and could stand it no longer.

  "Are you going to tell me about him? He's the ghost, the guy you've been thinking about for the past few weeks, isn't he?"

  Jillian knew the question would be coming. She'd been dreading it from the moment Aiden walked out her door, reiterating his promise to call her tomorrow. Thoughts and questions swirled through her almost faster than she could register them.

  Why did I agree? Why didn't I yell and scream at him, as I've wanted to do for so long? If I really love Paul that much, why didn't I throw Aiden out? Why am I hiding all this from him? But I do love him. He's everything I ever wanted in a man, and more. Isn't he? Why am I acting like this? Why, why, why? There are too many whys. And now I have to tell Paul about him.

  As the silence dragged on, she became more frantic.

  What should I tell him? The truth, of course, and all of it. But how? It doesn't matter. Just say it before he starts imagining the worst.

  "I'm sorry for the way I've been acting, Paul. Seeing him like that sort of threw me."

  She rolled over on her side to face him.

  "Aiden and I lived together when I was in college. He was the first man I ever really loved. We were together for two years. We…we were engaged, but he ran out, ran away, really, the day after he graduated."

  Paul rolled over to face her.

  "Do you still have feelings for him?"

  "No!"

  She knew she'd said it too quickly, too forcefully, as if she were trying to convince herself instead of him. But it was a lie and it was clear from the way Paul was looking at her that he suspected.

  This can't be happening. He doesn't believe me. And why should he? I don't believe it myself.

  Abruptly, she jumped up.

  "Paul, I loved him for so long. And then I hated him for so much longer. And I thought I'd put it behind me. All of it. But…but…seeing him again dredged up all these feelings and I don't know… Please. Please wait here for a few minutes."

  Then she turned and walked quickly toward the river bank.

  Paul watched her backside sway as she moved, her eyes on the ground at her feet. With each step, the bad feeling that started the moment she'd said ‘Aiden!' grew stronger and stronger.

  As he waited, he replayed in his mind the night of their first date.

  What a fool. I should have slept with her. I should have grabbed her heart and filled it so full of me that there'd be no room left for this Aiden guy. Maybe it would have worked out. Maybe.

  She hadn't moved from her spot by the shore for almost five minutes so he lay on his back again to enjoy the fair weather clouds in the baby blue sky. As much as he wanted to go to her and lobby for himself, he knew that whatever she needed to think about, whatever she needed to decide, she had to do it alone.

  No sooner had he settled down, though, than a shiver ran through him, a premonition. He turned his head and saw a man approaching her from the left. It took a few seconds for his eyes to refocus and realize it was Aiden.

  "What the hell is he doing here?"

  By the time Paul leapt to his feet, Aiden had reached her and said something that caused her to start. Befor
e he could take two steps, Jillian turned away from Aiden and faced him. Even from a distance, he could see the tears in her eyes as she held up both hands, palms forward, and shook her head, asking him to stop, to not get involved. It took more will than he expected, but he did as she asked.

  The next twelve minutes were the most difficult of his life.

  "I hope those tears aren't for me," Aiden said.

  "What are you doing here?"

  She pulled a tissue from her pocket to blot her eyes. "Were you following us the way you were following me two weeks ago?"

  His confident grin never wavered.

  "I figured you knew it was me. I'm sorry about that. I wanted to learn a little about who you'd become before I contacted you. To see if you were married or a nun or something."

  He hoped that last line would elicit a smile, but it didn't.

  "What do you want, Aiden? After all this time."

  His smile faded. He started to reach out to touch her, but held back.

  "I owe you an apology, Jillian. And an explanation. I know both are long overdue, but you deserve to hear them, if you want to."

  The hardness in her eyes softened a little, encouraging him to go on.

  "Jillian, I am more sorry than you will ever believe for the horrible way I treated you. I was young, and confused, and so full of myself that I didn't really see how my decision would affect you. I knew you'd be hurt, but at the time I was too much of a coward to face the hurt and the betrayal I knew I'd see if I told you in person.

  "Not a day has gone by since then that I've not been ashamed of what I did to you. And to myself. I had a wonderful girl who loved me, who was ready and willing to share her life with me, and I tossed it all away like an old laundry ticket.

  "I don't know how you could ever forgive something like that, but I hope, I pray you've found a way and that the pain and hate have not been with you all these years."

  Jillian had never seen shame and sorrow on Aiden's face before and it took her a minute to recognize them. The realization tugged at her heart.

  "I need to know why, Aiden."

  "Yes, of course. You have a right to know why I left as I did."

  He paused for a few seconds, taking deep breaths and releasing them slowly, not unlike what Jillian did to relax and prepare for her yoga class.

  "Do you remember Christmas break of my senior year? I wanted you to come home with me, but you said it would be our last chance to have a special Christmas alone with our families."

  "I remember."

  "Do you remember I didn't call you for a week and that when we returned to school…"

  "You were acting strange."

  "That was because the day after New Year's, my parents decided that since I was getting married soon, it was time to tell me I was adopted."

  She flinched a little, not expecting such a revelation, but she remained silent.

  "It seems the daughter of one of my mother's cousins in Sweden got pregnant. My parents had been trying unsuccessfully to have a child for ten years, so she came to stay with them, had the baby, signed the adoption papers, and returned to Sweden.

  "When they told me, I, uhh, I didn't take it well. My reaction hurt my parents, I know, but I couldn't help myself. I railed at them for letting me grow up without knowing my true heritage. I was very mean and very hurtful and they didn't deserve it, but I was young and stupid and it didn't matter they promised Hanna not to tell me until I married. Hanna's my birth mother. Hanna Giertz.

  "So I took off for a week. I crashed with friends and spent the time thinking. When I calmed down and went home again, I apologized to them, but I could see they were still hurt. And inside I was still hurt. And confused. Suddenly, my whole life was a lie. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore.

  "After the break, I knew you could see the change in me. But you accepted my ‘nothing's wrong' and went on loving me. And that's when things really started getting crazy inside my head. Suddenly, there were all these fears, all these questions.

  "How could I love you if I didn't know who I was? How could you love me? What if our love was based on a fantasy, on who we thought I was, but it wouldn't even exist once I discovered who I really was. I know it sounds crazy, but that was just a small part of what began to consume me. If it wasn't for you being there to ground me, I don't know how I would have finished the year and graduated.

  "Then, as graduation, and the wedding day approached, I became convinced the only fair thing for me to do was to go away and find out who I really was. I had to find my birth mother, but more than that, I had to discover my whole heritage. I couldn't make a life with you when I didn't even know who I'd be once I searched out the truth. When I left, when I wrote that note, I honestly imagined I'd only be gone a few months, at most."

  She had been listening quietly, patiently, almost hypnotized by this Aiden who was so unlike the man she remembered, who was opening himself up in a way he never had during their time together. "But…"

  "But why didn't I tell you? Why didn't I share the burden? Why didn't I trust you, let you help, or at least be there for me?"

  "Yes!"

  "I told you. I was young and stupid and confused. And without realizing it, I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. What I really needed back then was not to find my birth mother, but a psych ward to get me thinking straight again.

  "You have to know it wasn't anything to do with you, Jillian. I didn't leave because I didn't love you. In my mixed up head, I was leaving because I did love you. Because you deserved to know who I really was before tying yourself to me. And then, by the time I came to my senses and realized what I'd done to you, it was too late. Too much time had gone by. I knew you would have moved on."

  "Then why…"

  "Have I come back now?"

  The tiniest of smiles curled the corners of her lips.

  At least that hasn't change. We always were good at completing each other's sentences.

  "Yes."

  "I did find my birth mother. Thankfully, screwed up as I obviously was, she and her husband welcomed me, introduced me to all the other relatives, and let me live with them most of the first year. And they insisted I keep in touch with my parents. Between all of them, they helped me return to sanity, I guess, is the best way to put it. And by the way, I don't know if you contacted my parents after the first few months, but it was almost a year before they knew where I was. So please don't hold it against them if…"

  "I only called them a couple of times after the first few weeks. I hated you too much after that to care."

  It was Aiden's turn to flinch. Certainly he knew how she must have felt then, but it was hard to hear it from her own lips. He sighed and nodded.

  "During that first year, as I was recovering and learning about who I was, I learned Swedish and found a job teaching English.

  "Almost eighteen months went by before I went home to visit for the first time. I've been going back a couple of times a year since then. Twice, I arranged a stopover in Boston for a night, so I could check the phonebook to see if you moved, maybe get a glimpse of you going in or out.

  "Then a few months ago, I realized I had settled into a life there. And it was a good life. But a part of me still missed my old home in Indiana. Or so I thought. It took a few weeks of introspection, but I finally realized what I really missed most was not my old hometown or my parents. It was you.

  "Du var min stora kärlek, min vackra blomma, och jag har tänkt på dig varje dag. Varenda dag. You were my great love, my beautiful flower, and I have thought about you every day. Every single day."

  He ran his fingers through his hair as he used to do whenever he was about to say something important.

  "I realized it was time to decide whether or not I'd stay there and make it my home. But I also realized that the thought of never seeing you again was more than I could bear. So I had to come back to see if there was any chance of rekindling what we had together. I found this beautiful life, Jillian, but
it's empty because you're not in it. I wanted you to see it, to be a part of it.

  "So I took a sabbatical and came to Boston. But when I arrived, I found I was incredibly nervous, that I had no idea what to say to you after all this time. And it occurred to me that you probably hadn't even thought about me for years. Or if you did, there was a curse of some sort attached. I figured that if I just showed up, you'd probably throw something at me, so I watched you for a while.

  "At first, I wanted to figure out if you were with someone and if it was serious. Then, when you noticed me that day through the coffee shop window, I realized it might be a good thing if you started thinking about me before I actually showed my face, to sort of give you time to get used to the idea of me again. But as I was following you, trying to give you just the occasional glimpse of me, I felt more and more foolish. So I went home to visit my parents for a while and think about how to approach you. And by the time my flight landed yesterday, all I wanted to do was to see you, take whatever I had coming, and hope for the best. There was really nothing else I could do.

  "So now you know it all. I realize none of it is an excuse for what I did, but it's the truth. And you deserve to know."

  Paul had been watching them, unable to tear his eyes away. Aiden seemed to be doing most of the talking, his hands often moving about to emphasize something while Jillian stood still for the most part, occasionally shaking or nodding her head. Twice, she'd glanced over at him, perhaps to make sure he was still there. But she didn't seem at all upset with Aiden and that worried him.

  Then, when it seemed as if the dread had filled him to overflowing, he saw them turn and walk toward him. Aiden didn't look happy, but he didn't look sad or upset, either. Suddenly, Paul wasn't sure he really wanted to hear what would come next.

  They stopped four feet from him and Jillian moved to form the third point of a triangle.

  "I have a lot to say, and I want you both to hear it all, but I'd appreciate it if neither of you said anything until I'm done. Okay?"

  Both men nodded.

  Facing Paul first, she said, "Some of this may not be easy for you to hear, but I owe it to you to finally be completely honest. You deserve to know what's been going on.