“Viv shouldn’t have been shot.”
“Stop it, Jade. You know nothing ever goes exactly as planned with what we do. Stop blaming yourself. Viv is going to be fine.”
“That’s true, right? She didn’t look good,” I say, unable to keep quiet any longer.
“Yes. She got shot in the shoulder, but it was a through and through, and didn’t hit an artery.”
“Thank God.”
VIV
When I wake up, I’m in a hospital bed, my shoulder is bandaged up, and Rhys is sleeping in a chair next to me. My hand is in his, and he looks so young and innocent, making my heart hurt for the days when we both were those things. I lift my other hand to brush his hair from his face, and the pain nearly makes me scream.
I don’t realize I’m squeezing his hand until he startles awake, and looks at me. “You’re awake.”
“Yes,” I grit out.
“Pain? Push the button on IV line, and you’ll get more meds.”
“Will they put me to sleep again?”
“I’m not sure, but probably.”
“Then, no. Not yet.”
“You shouldn’t be in pain.”
“We need to talk about why you’re here.”
“I’ll be here when you wake up again.”
“No. You didn’t want to stay with me when I was okay, so you don’t get to stay just because I’m hurt.”
“I knew I did the wrong thing before you were hurt. Again. I keep doing and saying the wrong things.”
“Yes.” I don’t want to be a bitch, but I’m so tired of this push and pull with him. I want to help him, but he won’t let me. I’m too tired to keep fighting for a man who doesn’t really want me.
“When I told you I made a mistake, it wasn’t about someone else. It was about me asking you to be my friend.”
“So, you don’t want to be friends now?”
“I do, but I don’t. I’m not explaining this well.”
“No, you’re not,” I tell him, wincing as another wave of pain hits me.
“Take your meds, and we’ll talk more when you wake up again.”
“No. I’d like you to leave. I can’t deal with both you and this injury right now.”
“Don’t make me leave. Please.”
“I’m not in a position to make you do anything, but I’m asking.”
He lets go of my hand, and stands up. “I’ll go.”
“Thank you.”
I don’t think about how lost I felt when he let go of my hand, or how I wanted him to stay, because he never stays. No matter what words come out of his mouth or what I want to believe, he always walks away from me. Getting shot and thinking I might die, made me realize I can’t keep holding onto him if he’s not sure he wants to be with me. My heart wants to, but I know I can’t.
RHYS
I pace outside Maura’s office, waiting for her to finish up with her current client. I know whoever it is will exit from the other side, so I don’t see them, but I don’t really care who’s in there with her. All I care about is that I’m not.
When Viv woke up and kicked me out of her hospital room, I wanted to go to the nearest bar and find someone to fuck. It’s not what I really want, but it was my first reaction. She sent me away when I was trying to stay, and I don’t know how to deal with it. Especially because she wasn’t wrong.
I’ve run from anything difficult in my life for too long, and it’s time to stop. I’d already planned on staying with her no matter what, but she doesn’t know that. I can’t blame her for not believing me, but I need her to. I just don’t know how to do it.
“Rhys, come on in,” the doc says, opening her door.
“Viv was shot,” I say, before the door even closes.
“Is she okay?”
“Yes. Maybe. She kicked me out of her hospital room, but I know she’s in pain. Kendrick says she’s going to be fine physically, but she was in so much pain, and I couldn’t do anything. I hated not being able to do anything.”
“Let’s get back to her kicking you out. When I saw you this morning, things seemed like they were going well.”
“I messed up when I saw her, and walked away. She thinks I only went to her because she got shot.”
“Did you?”
“No, but how can she believe me when all I ever do is run?”
“She can’t until you show her she can.”
“I don’t want to run anymore.”
“So stay. Even when she won’t talk to you, stay and show her you’re there.”
“That’s the plan, but what if it’s not enough?”
“If that happens—and with all I know, I think it’s a big ‘if’—you’ll have to accept her choice.”
“No.”
“No? You’re still struggling with having your own choice taken from you, but you’re not going to honor Vivienne’s choice?”
Damn. This is why she’s so good at her job. “I’ll have to.”
“Yes, you will. But, before that happens, you’re going to do everything you can to prove to her you’ve changed. I’m willing to help if you’ll give me permission.”
“Please. You can have any permission you’d like.”
“Don’t say that until you know what I have in mind.”
She tells me what she wants to do, and it scares the hell out of me. I still give her my permission, because it might just work. If not, I’m in no worse place than I am now.
CHAPTER 16
VIV
The next time I wake up, Kendrick’s in the room with me. He’s the Society doctor, and while he speaks very properly with his African accent, I know he’s also got a wicked sense of humor. I saw a little bit of it when he was checking me out before I went into hiding.
“Good morning, Vivienne.”
“Is it morning already?”
“Yes, it is. How are you feeling?”
“Groggy, but the pain isn’t too bad.”
“Good to hear. There’s someone who’d like to speak to you if you’re up to it.”
“I can’t see Rhys right now.”
“It’s not Rhys, although those are all from him.”
He gestures to the other side of me, and I turn my head, seeing every kind of flower imaginable taking over every space available. “Oh. Wow.”
“Yes. I imagine he doesn’t know your favorite, since they’re all different.”
My eyes tear up as I shake my head. “No, he knows they’re all my favorites. I love every kind of flower.”
“I see. Perhaps you were too harsh when you sent him away.”
“There’s only so much a person can take.”
“We believe that, but until you’re faced with having to take more than you thought you could, you don’t really know what your limit is.”
“I suppose not.”
He looks down at his tablet, then back up at me. “Your visitor is outside. Shall I send her in?”
“Oh yes. Sure.”
Kendrick pats my knee before leaving the room. A woman I’ve never seen before walks in a minute or so later. She has grey hair, and kind eyes. “Hello, Vivienne. I’m Maura.”
“Hi.”
“You’re probably wondering why I’m here, so I’ll spare you the confusion. I’m Rhys’ doctor.”
“Doctor?”
“Therapist.”
Oh! “He’s seeing you voluntarily?”
She lets out a hearty laugh. “Yes, he is. I wouldn’t tell you this without his permission, but he’s given me the freedom to tell you anything, and answer any questions you might have. I do want you to know that he’d like to tell you these things himself, but he understands your reluctance to believe him right now.”
“If I’m being honest, just knowing he’s seeing someone is giving me a little more faith in whatever it is you think you need to tell me.”
“Good, because he’s committed to getting better, and you’re a big part of the reason for that. He has to want it on his own, and he does, but he al
so wants it for you. He thinks he’s not ‘clean’ enough, or ‘good’ enough for you, but that’s something you have to decide.”
“What happened to him wasn’t his fault. His behavior before and after is what he’s responsible for, but there’s nothing wrong with him sleeping with other willing partners. I had no claim on him then, and I don’t hold any of it against him. I’ve tried to make him see that, but he won’t.”
“You think you had no claim on him, but you did. He’s told me that he’s been in love with you since he was thirteen, and that he never stopped loving you. I know he was forced from you, but I believe him when he says you’ve always had his heart.”
“I can’t take him running from me every time he doesn’t like something I say.”
“You really thought he was going to confess to cheating on you when he told you he’d made a mistake?”
“Yes. We weren’t officially together, so maybe he wouldn’t think of it as cheating.”
“Official? Does that word mean so much to you that you’d ignore everything else?”
I think about it, and nod. “I’m sorry, but yes. Maybe if he didn’t run away after professing his love, or telling me there would never be anyone else, I’d believe him. But, right now, I’m not in a place to risk myself over and over again. I don’t want to live a life of always wondering if he’s going to get upset, and leave me again.”
“That’s understandable, but there is much you don’t know.”
“So, tell me. You said you could.”
“He was going to tell you he was wrong about asking you to be friends, when he really wants to be your boyfriend. He’s never ‘officially’ been that before, and he wants to have that label very badly.”
I move my hand to my heart, ignoring the twinge of pain that causes. “Really?”
“Yes. He needs to take things slow, but he wants to go on dates, hold your hand, and kiss you.”
“That’s so sweet, and romantic, and oh God, I messed it up!”
She smiles at me, and pats my arm. “You did what you needed to do at the time, in order to protect yourself. I can assure the offer is still on the table if you’ll allow him to ask you.”
“I will. I completely will.” There’s something I need to know from her, and since we’re being honest, I go ahead and ask. “Do you think he’ll ever be able to make love to me, knowing it’s me, and all?”
“Yes. He’s not quite there yet, but he will be. I know it’s hard to be patient when you’ve waited so long, but if you can be patient with Rhys, I have a good feeling about things working out. I would also like you to come to some of his sessions when he’s ready for that.”
“Of course. Anything he needs.”
“He needs you, Vivienne. I don’t like to say this about my patients, because I want them to learn to stand on your own, but he needs you.”
RHYS
“Stop fidgeting,” Rhieve tells me, as I play with the pens on her desk, and spin around in her chair. I got here before her, so I called dibs.
“My psychologist is meeting with the women I love, and I have no control over how the conversation is going. I’d say I have a right to be nervous.”
“No matter what happens, you can’t run. If you run again, I’ll be on Viv’s side, and tell her to move on.”
“I’d be offended, but I know you’re right. I’m done running. It’s time for me to stay and fight. For myself, and for Viv.”
“Does that mean you’re coming back to work soon?”
“Yeah. X trusts me now, so he’s going to actually let me work. I promised to help him find Seri, too.”
She shakes her head. “I can’t believe he hasn’t found her yet.”
“She’s completely off the grid. She forwarded her mail to his house, and withdrew all the cash she had. I’m pretty sure she could live for several years on that alone. I’m also sure Lennon knows where she is, but when X tried to go near him, Camari pulled a gun on him.”
“I heard, and I don’t blame her. I’d do the same for Calum.”
“Would you? I saw the two of you fighting in the parking garage this morning.”
“It’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“Which means it’s about me once again.”
“He never should’ve kept your location from me.”
“It’s over, Rhieve.”
“Is it? Because last I checked, you weren’t doing so well.”
“I’m getting better.”
It’s the truth. As Maura told me, she doesn’t have a magic wand, but she’s a good listener and gives me good ideas for little ways I can make myself feel better every day.
“You wouldn’t be in this situation at all if it wasn’t for him.”
“Maybe I needed to be in this situation. It sucks, and I wouldn’t choose it again, but I did choose it then. You conveniently forget that I willingly went to that warehouse, and I willingly did many things before that freedom was taken from me.”
“Yes, but I would’ve gotten you out sooner, maybe even when you were still willing, if he hadn’t kept things from me.”
“If I can’t dwell on that time, neither can you. Have a nice date night, or better yet, order in and pretend to watch a movie while you do things I don’t ever want to know about.”
She looks away from me, biting her lip. “He moved out.”
“What?”
“He’s got a business trip to England coming up soon, and we decided it was best if he just moved into a hotel until he leaves.”
“Jesus, Rhieve. We need to be better about dealing with the people we love. I know our parents are fucked up, but that doesn’t mean we have to be too. Go get him, and bring him home.”
“What if he doesn’t want to come back? I said some horrible things to him. I know it’s because I feel guilty about not saving you sooner, and it is partly his fault, but I still love him. I didn’t really want him to go.”
I get up, and pull her into my arms. “I know. You push, and I run. Again, we need to do better.”
“Yes, we do. I’m going to go find Calum, if you think you’ll be okay without me.”
“I’m good. Do me a favor, and let Calum know I don’t blame him, either.”
“I will, although I’m not liking that my little brother is suddenly so wise.”
“You’ll just have to deal with it,” I say lifting my eyebrow, and smirking.
She punches my arm, which hurts more than when she did it as a teen, but I still laugh through the pain. I love the woman she’s become, and I’m liking the man I’m turning out to be as well. Now, I just need to pray that Maura’s getting through to Viv.
CHAPTER 17
VIV
M y next visitor of the day is one I’d been hoping to see. Jade has a box of baked goods from the preferred bakery of the Society, Drago Sisters Bakery, in her hands and I resist the urge to grab it from her. Instead, I hold out my arms for a hug. She smiles, and places the box on the table next to me as we embrace.
“Thank you for saving me,” I tell her.
“You do not get to thank me, after I almost got you killed.”
“The man with the gun almost got me killed, not you.”
“I should’ve checked the perimeter or called for back-up, instead of just assuming he was inside. We all could’ve gotten killed because of my negligence.”
“Is that what Reina has to say about it?”
“No, but she’s gotten a little softer since she had the baby.” She looks around, and then lowers her voice. “Please don’t tell her I said that.”
“My lips are sealed, but you do realize being scared of her means she’s not really ‘soft’.”
“Softer. I said softer, not soft. Big difference.”
“Huge,” I agree.
“I’m liking this hidden smart-ass of yours.”
“I like letting it out.”
“How are you, really? Kenny says you’re okay, but I want to hear it from you.”
“I’
m good.”
“Then I can have a serious talk with you, and it won’t be too much?”
“Well, when you put it that way my first inclination is to say no, but go ahead.”
“I know about what happened to Rhys. Nate had something happen to him that’s not exactly the same, but similar enough that I understand what you’re going through.”
I open my mouth and close it twice before the shock wears off enough for me to speak. “He’s the friend Rhieve sent to help him.”
“Yes. They’ve been hanging out, and other stuff.”
“Maura was just here, if that’s what you mean by ‘other stuff’.”
“Oh, good. Yeah, she’s Nate’s doctor, too. And I guess, mine, since I go with him sometimes.”
“She wants me to go with Rhys when he’s ready.”
“It’s good. Hard, but good.”
“Did Nate push you away, or run? I feel like Rhys is always running, but sometimes he’s also trying to get me to run.”
“Nate wouldn’t let me look at him, or admire his body. And yes, he ran. I ended up running after him, when I realized it was what we both needed me to do, but it wasn’t easy. It’s still not easy sometimes, but we both work hard at what we have because we don’t want to lose it.”
“You two are always so happy and in love around each other.”
“We’re genuinely both of those things, but again, there’s work going on no one else sees. Nate’s been getting help for a couple of years now, but there’s still times when I look at him and he cringes slightly. He doesn’t think I see it, and I never tell him I do, but it happens. And there are times when he needs to sleep alone. But that’s okay, because I know he’s fighting his demons as hard as he can. And, he knows I’m fighting them right alongside him.”
“I want to fight with Rhys, but up until now he hasn’t let me.”
“He has to be ready for that, and you need to wait for him until he is ready.”
“I thought if I did that, I was weak, and setting myself up to get hurt. All the things I promised I wouldn’t do after you all helped me escape my former life.”
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