Head Above Water

by Caitlin Ricci

  Today, though, I’d be using it for a haircut, my first in more than a year.

  “Hi. Oh, hon, you’re soaked,” the woman behind the counter said before rushing off to get me a towel, which I awkwardly took and began patting my shoulders and face dry. “Coming in for a cut?”

  I nodded. “Yes.” There was no one waiting, and I figured I was pretty lucky in my timing as she led me toward a chair and put a cape around my chest.

  “How much are you thinking of taking off?” she asked as she began fluffing out my wayward strands.

  My hair was at least six inches longer than I normally kept it. I’d let it grow while Dan was around, to hide the bruises on my face, but now… I wanted it off. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I was done with it all. “Can you cut it really short? Like so that it’s an inch or something?” I asked her.

  She pursed her lips and looked back at me in the mirror. “Are you sure you want to go that short? You’ve got really nice red hair. If you want me to cut it all off, I will, but I don’t want you to be upset when it’s all gone.”

  I nodded. I was very sure. “I used to keep it that short. Thanks.”

  She worked quickly, and I shut my eyes and waited for my hair, my familiar hair, to come back to me. Ten minutes later she was done, and I sat there fluffing out my short hair. I could see my freckles again, and I felt like smiling. I didn’t need to hide anymore. I could actually have it how I wanted.

  I paid her, then headed home. Though I was shaking as I walked, I was also able to smile again. It felt good to have my hair short, even though it was such a simple little thing. I kind of felt like it was one more step to being me again. And I hadn’t felt like me in a long time.

  All the lights in the cabin were on when I walked up, and I had to check my phone to make sure I wasn’t late. It was still twenty till six, so I had some time still. Using those few extra minutes, I turned away from the house and went down to the barn to see my girl.

  “It’s been a year,” I said as I went to her stall and watched her eat her fresh hay. A whole year that I’d had her for my own. She came away from the hay rack to put her head over the stall of the barn. “Hey,” I said, petting her on her face. “You’re a good girl. I’ll see you later. I gotta go now.”

  Not wanting to be late, I headed up to the cabin, and stepped through the door to the sounds of people singing “Happy Birthday” to me. I kicked off my shoes and gave them all a nervous, little wave. I wasn’t used to the decorations that were up, or all the smiling people facing me. But the big hug Sam gave me as he came away from them all, that was familiar, and normal, and I latched on to him so tightly he couldn’t pull away immediately.

  “You cut your hair,” he said as I clung to him.

  “Yep.” I leaned back a little. “It’s not too short for you, right?” I knew how much he liked being able to touch my hair.

  He gave me a kiss, and I held on to him even tighter, refusing to let him go.

  “Boys…,” Uncle Caleb said. Trent cleared his throat, and we moved apart, both of us blushing pretty heavily. But he held on to my hand even when we were apart, and I turned to see them all staring at me. Sam’s mom was the first to hug me, and then she touched the top of my hair like she couldn’t believe how short I’d gone with my haircut. Uncle Caleb hugged me, though it was awkward. I shook Trent’s hand, and Sam’s dad’s. That only left my brothers who had yet to wish me a happy birthday. And I didn’t blame them for looking miserable as they sat on the arm of the couch nearby, just watching me.

  Sam let go of my hand as they all went to get their dinners from the big stashes of food his mom had brought over. I was really hungry too, but I needed to see my brothers first.

  “Hi,” I said to them.

  Ben gave me a little smile, but it was pretty obvious he was faking it. Daniel didn’t even try.

  “So… today sucked,” I said as quietly as possible. Everyone was trying, and Sam had been great, but I’d still been miserable without my mom there.

  Daniel nodded and slid off the arm of the couch. “Yeah. It did.” Well at least we were agreeing about something, which was sort of an improvement. It was better than arguing or the silent treatment anyway.

  “Go riding today?” I asked him. If he was interested in talking to me, then I thought I should at least try to be friendly with him. I didn’t think we’d ever be where we were before Mom died, but I missed having my brothers around me. I felt so alone, so empty, with them hating me like they did.

  Daniel looked away from me and toward where everyone stood around, looking happy. I wished I could have been like them. I was seventeen now. That was supposed to be a big deal. At least I thought it was. But Daniel hadn’t really cared when he’d turned eighteen, and they hadn’t done anything different for him either. Maybe the three of us wouldn’t care about our birthdays ever again. Maybe that was normal for kids without parents, like we were.

  “I practiced a sliding stop on Cleric. We need more work on it, but he’s great to be on,” Daniel told me. Sharing even that much about his day with me was pretty close to a miracle for us.

  “Congrats,” I said, meaning it. “Sam took me to this place in the woods with a waterfall.”

  Daniel nodded, then went to the food when people started waving us over, apparently noticing that we weren’t part of the crowd.

  I was about to head over there too, but my phone started ringing. The caller had a Kentucky area code, which was where we were from, but I hadn’t heard from anyone there since we’d moved. “Hello?” I answered, having no idea who could have been calling me.

  “Is this Robbie? Witchcraft’s owner?”

  I sat down heavily at the sound of a voice I hadn’t heard since the night my mom died. “Are you Joe from the rescue?”

  “Yes, son, I am.”

  I hated that he called me that. I was his son, because of my mom’s affair, but it really upset me that he would say it, even as easily as he seemed to. Like it didn’t even matter to him that he’d said it. But he didn’t know I was his son, and maybe he did that with other people. I wish I could have found out about my mom’s life with him, about how they met, how they fell in love. About why she’d want to leave all of us for him on the night she died.

  “Robbie—”

  “Why are you calling?” I asked. My hands were shaking, and I wished I could get them to stop. Nobody realized I was on the phone yet, and I hoped to keep it that way until Joe was finished talking to me. I was done talking to him as soon as I realized who was calling me.

  “Well, son,” Joe started. I tried to brush off that name, especially when it seemed to mean so little to Joe, and so very much to me, but it was nearly impossible as I kept hearing an echo of it in my mind. “You’ve had Witchcraft for a year now, and I needed to update her adoption history. I do it with all of the horses after a year. I’m sorry I have to call you today, when you’re probably thinking about other, much more important things.”

  I nodded. I had been trying to focus on anything else and hadn’t even considered that I might have to talk to Joe about my mare. “She’s fine,” I told him quickly, hoping I could get him off the phone right away.

  “Okay. Good. Any issues? Lameness? Any hospitalizations? Colic?” he asked me, running through what sounded like a checklist.

  “No. Nothing like that. She’s a good mare.” She was solid both on the ground and in saddle, and with the trail riding I was doing with Sam she was starting to really open up. She seemed to love being out there and trying new things, far more so than being in the arena with me doing figure eights. Those weren’t much fun for either of us, but they kept her supple and relaxed, possibly from boredom.

  Someone came up next to me, and I looked up to see Uncle Caleb standing there beside me. “We’re all waiting for you in the kitchen. Who’s on the phone?” he asked me.

  “Joe.” I saw him look mad, then hurt, before he reached for the phone. I handed it over to him easily, not really wanting to talk
to the man who was my father anymore. I didn’t get up and go to where everyone was standing, though, when Caleb took the phone from me. I sat there instead, listening in on Caleb’s conversation.

  “Hi. This is Caleb. I was her brother.” He sounded like he was hurting too, and maybe I could have done something to help him. Maybe not. Maybe I was too screwed-up.

  I was pretty sure that I shouldn’t have been spying on Uncle Caleb as I listened in on his call. But it was my phone, and my dad. And I wished I could have heard everything they were saying.

  Uncle Caleb sat down next to me on the couch, and I pulled my knees up to my chin as I watched him. Everyone was talking in the kitchen, some of them laughing. I felt like crying into my knees, and wished I didn’t have to pretend otherwise.

  “Yes, Witchcraft is fine. I’ll make sure Robbie sends you some updated pictures of her for your website… I appreciate you saying that. It is a hard day for all of us. Robbie is strong; he’ll be okay. None of this is going to be easy. Thank you for calling.” He hung up the phone and gave it back to me. “Try to smile for them. They worked hard on your birthday dinner and cake.”

  I nodded, knowing that would be the polite thing to do. “It’s hard, though.”

  Uncle Caleb gave me a weak smile. “Yeah, it is. Sometimes we have to smile to let the people around us know that we’re okay, even though we’re hurting. They get that today is tough, and they’re trying to help.”

  “So your best advice is to fake being happy in order to make other people happy?” I asked him, not understanding at all. “That seems like horrible advice.”

  Chuckling, Uncle Caleb shook his head and got off the couch. “You are so much like your mom, sometimes it’s scary. How about this? Try, just for today. The people over there love you so very much, and they don’t want to see you hurting. And, because you love them too, you want to make them feel like it’s okay, and that you’re okay.”

  I had no idea what he was trying to pull. “That’s exactly what you just said, only longer, and I don’t love Sam.” Uncle Caleb looked a little surprised. But it was true. Sam and I were best friends, and he was my boyfriend, but I’d never been in love with anybody, and I didn’t think I was now.

  “Sorry. I thought you did.”

  I shook my head. “Being in love is supposed to come with explosions or something. Right? I mean, that’s what all the TV shows say. And I don’t have those. I just feel really good when we’re together. Usually. Today not so much. But generally I do.”

  Uncle Caleb gave me a strange look. “You get your dating models from TV?”

  “Where else am I supposed to get them from? Not like there are a lot of guys dating other guys around here.” Except that Uncle Caleb was with Trent. “Guys my age,” I amended, making him smile.

  “Come talk to me when you’re ready. I think we need to sit down and have some kind of a chat or something like that. Honestly, I have no idea. But if you think dating is the same as it is in the TV shows Ben watches, then we need to go over a few things.”

  “Okay.” I wasn’t happy he wanted to talk about relationships with me. I just wanted the conversation to be over. He had everything figured out and had always known he was gay. Me, I still got surprised at how much I liked kissing Sam most days. “Sure.”

  Uncle Caleb looked all relieved as he slung an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into the kitchen. I got hugs from everyone, and lots of cake. So much cake that I felt like my stomach was going to explode. Plus there was pulled pork and brisket, baked beans, corn pudding, and collard greens, which I was coming to really like.

  Sam held my hand as we ate dinner, and he didn’t let go until after dessert when he reached into his pocket while everyone was cleaning up the table, leaving us mostly alone. “I made you something. For your birthday,” he said, bringing it out of his pocket.

  “You didn’t have to.” I’d gotten some gift cards since I hadn’t asked for anything, and I really hadn’t expected Sam to get me something, much less make it for me.

  “I know. But I wanted to.” He opened his palm, revealing a friendship bracelet in rainbow colors. “Do you like it? It’s okay if you don’t. I know you don’t really wear a lot of jewelry, and rainbows might not be your thing.” He started to close his fingers around the fine threads, but I covered his hand with mine, stopping him from taking back his gift.

  “I like it a lot. Put it on me please?”

  He looked relieved as he smiled at me. And I smiled back at him, offering up my wrist for the bracelet. It was a little loose, but that was better than being too tight, and I liked how it felt on me as soon as he finished tying it on my left wrist. “Cool. Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome. I’m glad you like it. I didn’t know what to get you.”

  I wasn’t the easiest person to shop for, even when I was in a good mood and looking forward to my birthday. I leaned over and kissed his cheek, and when I pulled back we were both blushing. I offered him my hand and he slipped his into mine again.

  I didn’t really wear bracelets, and no one had ever made me a gift. It was special to me that Sam was the first person to do that for me.

  As soon as we were released from the dining room to go off on our own, I followed Sam out to the barn to say good night to the horses. I was still holding his hand, finding it hard to let him go.

  Chapter Four

  Sam

  I WAS excited the next morning when I woke up because I could hardly wait to get Max and Robbie together. They were my two favorite people in the world besides my parents and Caleb. Sure, Max was my ex, and I knew things might be a little weird between them at first, but I was sure it could be smoothed over right away. Except when I went to the barn, hoping to find Robbie to let him know Max would be over within the hour, he wasn’t there. And neither was Witchcraft.

  I pulled out my phone to text him. Hi. Don’t forget that Max will be here soon, I said, knowing he still looked at his texts when he was riding even though Caleb told him not to.

  I’m gonna stay in the woods today, Robbie texted back. I frowned. What was that supposed to mean? He couldn’t stay out there with Witchcraft all day. I wanted him to meet Max, and he was going to miss his chance. Have fun, he texted right after.

  I thought you wanted to meet Max. I didn’t understand it at all.

  My phone beeped a few seconds later. Not really.

  Half an hour later, I was still annoyed at him, and wondering what his problem was, when Dad came and got me to make me clean my room before I went off with Max.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  I shrugged and went inside the house, wanting to get my chores done as quickly as possible so that I’d have lots of time with Max. “Robbie doesn’t want to meet Max. I thought he did, but he says he’s staying in the woods all day, and I don’t get it.”

  Dad frowned at me and hung out in the doorway while I started picking my dirty clothes off the floor and putting them into the laundry hamper. “I don’t think it’s that strange that Robbie doesn’t want to meet him. Did you talk to him about it yesterday, like you were going to?”

  I shook my head. I’d meant to, but then with his birthday I hadn’t really had time. “I’ll talk to him tomorrow. Everything will be fine. I’m sure of it. Maybe he’ll even come back for lunch, and then the three of us can go to the diner. It’ll be fun.” Dad looked like he wasn’t really convinced, but I was sure of it. I knew I could get Robbie and Max to be friends. They were both really good guys, so it seemed like it would be such an easy thing to do.

  I heard Max’s mom’s car pull up a little over an hour later. I knew it was her because of the sharp beep her horn made when she tapped it, as if she was saying hello to everything and everyone and not just trying to get my attention. I ran out, grinning and unable to hold back my excitement as I saw Max get out of the car. I gave him a big hug, and then his mom pulled me in for a hug. Then Mom and Dad were shaking hands with them, and even Caleb came down. Max and his mom we
re friends with everyone, and it was so good to have him back.

  “What do you want to do first?” I asked him as soon as everyone had left us alone. We were down by the picnic table by the barn that we sometimes used to help us get on the horses.

  He shrugged, and I couldn’t help noticing how blond he’d gotten out in California. “You and Robbie still good? He nice to you?”

  “Of course he is,” I instantly replied. Robbie was always nice. And when he wasn’t, he had to kiss me. I thought things were pretty perfect between us. Up until today. “I wanted you to meet him, but he….” I couldn’t really think of a good lie. “He went riding. I don’t think he was okay with you being here.”

  Max looked kind of shocked by that with his eyes getting big as he leaned across the picnic table we were sitting at. “Why not? We’re just friends.”

  “That’s what I said! I don’t know why he went off. Maybe he’s jealous.” I shrugged. Maybe if I’d talked to him about Max coming over yesterday…. But I couldn’t really change that now.

  I’d missed Max, but having him there wasn’t like how I’d imagined it being, because he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore, and I didn’t think about him that way either. “School’s good?” I asked, feeling lame for not being able to think of anything to say to him.

  Max shrugged. “Yeah. I guess. I mean, I got into college, so my mom’s happy, and I guess I can’t complain. Homeschooling still fun?”

  “You know my mom. She works me pretty hard.”

  I couldn’t figure out why it was so hard to talk to him. We’d been so close. I should have had more to say to him. But half an hour into him being at the house, I’d run out of things to say that didn’t have to do with the weather and how we’d gotten rain lately, which was so weird for Colorado. I’d had so much planned for us, so much that I wanted to do with him, but even though I’d missed Max, I was more worried about Robbie and wishing he’d come back to the house.