Head Above Water

by Caitlin Ricci

  “What’s going on? It’s like you’re not even here,” Max said.

  I smiled at him. “Huh?”

  He didn’t look convinced. “We’ve been sitting here, not saying a thing, for ten minutes. I was timing you. I mean, you’ve always been kind of out there sometimes, but not like that. So what’s wrong?”

  I felt bad for zoning out on him, but… I shook my head. “Nothing. Just thinking about Robbie.”

  Max really didn’t seem all that happy about not having at least some of my attention. He had maybe 5 percent, so it wasn’t like I didn’t know he wasn’t there at all. But nearly every bit of me was focused on Robbie—wondering how he was doing, if he was coming back soon, if he wasn’t going to be talking to me anymore. I didn’t think I could handle that if he suddenly shut me out.

  “Just text him already. You won’t be happy until you do,” Max said, sounding kind of pissy. Which, really, I didn’t blame him for at all.

  I pulled out my phone and sent Robbie a quick text, saying Hey. Please come back.

  His answer was almost immediate. Max already gone?

  No. Please?

  His next text took at least a minute, and during that time, I sat there staring at my phone, feeling like an idiot and that I’d somehow hurt my best friend. I’d loved Max, and we’d been really close once, but it wasn’t like what I had with Robbie.

  I guess I could ride in the arena for a while.

  It wasn’t exactly what I wanted, which was the three of us going out together, but it was better than nothing, and I’d take his compromise and run with it. Thank you, I texted back.

  I put my phone down to find Max looking at me and slowly shaking his head.

  “What?”

  “You must really like him. I mean, I thought I was special. But this Robbie guy must be something else entirely.” He sounded like he was joking, and I blushed.

  “Yeah. He is.”

  Robbie was back within about ten minutes. He waved to us as he came up, and he had to go past us to get to the entrance to the arena. “Easy,” he told Witchcraft as he pulled her gently to a stop about five feet from us.

  “Hey,” I said, getting up from the picnic table. I wanted to take care of the arena gate for him so he wouldn’t have to dismount.

  He gave me a little smile, like he was nervous, and I was pretty sure Witchcraft reacted to whatever he was feeling because she suddenly lifted her head like she’d been startled by something, which was really not like her at all. But he ran his gloved hand down the side of her neck, and she slowly lowered her head as he relaxed her. I really liked how good he was with horses.

  “Hi. Max?”

  Max got up too and came over to shake Robbie’s hand. “Hey. Good to meet you.”

  “You too.”

  It was really nice to see them together.

  Max stepped back and Robbie straightened up, taking Witchcraft’s reins in his right hand. “She’s gorgeous,” Max said.

  Robbie blushed. “Thanks. Her name’s Witchcraft.” He looked over at me. “Can I join you two?”

  I instantly nodded, and he got off her back. Half an hour later she was untacked, groomed, and back in the pasture she shared with Magic.

  “Hey,” Robbie said, coming back to sit next to me at the picnic table. “What’d you have planned?” I liked that he sat next to me, where he belonged, and sat close to me as well. I was his, and I hoped he knew that by now.

  I was so glad he’d asked, and by the end of the day, we’d done it all, from going to the diner, to seeing a movie, to just hanging out and playing video games.

  I like him, Max texted me that night as I started getting ready for bed. I didn’t think Max approving of Robbie would have really made any kind of a difference to me, but it made me happy that he saw some of what I saw—that Robbie was fun, and nice, and I liked being with him.

  Thanks, I texted back.

  “Are you ready for bed yet?” Mom called to me as she and Dad started heading upstairs.

  “Yep! Getting in now.” I opened my window and was glad I was on the first floor when, about ten minutes later, I put one leg out the window and, as quietly as I could manage, slid the other one out as well.

  Sneaking out to spend the night at Robbie’s wasn’t anything new for either of us, but I didn’t want my parents knowing so they could start telling me not to do it, and we were careful so Caleb didn’t know either. Trent was a lot more aware than Caleb, so sneaking in on the nights he slept over was a bit more difficult, but it wasn’t impossible. And Robbie and I had managed it before. Plenty of times.

  His window was open as I crept around the house, making sure to avoid the outside lights that were activated by movement. I didn’t think anyone would be mad if they knew I’d been sleeping next to Robbie most nights for the past few months, but if they were, I didn’t want them finding out. It seemed like it would be better to ask forgiveness rather than permission in this situation, and if my mom knew and didn’t approve, then I’d have a hard time lying to her after this. I’d never been good at lying to her to begin with, and this was a pretty big secret. Maybe my biggest so far.

  Getting up to Robbie’s room would have been a lot harder if he didn’t put out the fire escape ladder Trent had insisted we all have for each of the upstairs rooms. It came in handy for us a few times a week, but not for anything Trent would have imagined, I was sure.

  “Hey,” I whispered when I’d pulled myself into his room. There was just enough light from the nightlight near my leg for me to see.

  I saw him smile from under his covers in the dark. Normally he didn’t go to bed this early, and we watched TV together while I sat silently next to him. But I figured maybe he wasn’t doing okay still. He’d tried really hard when Max was here, I’d seen it, and I appreciated it, but I’d known he wasn’t okay too.

  His bed was already warm, but the pillow I used, the one with the blue pillowcase that didn’t match his green ones, was cold. Just how I liked it. He had a twin bed, so he had space for his desk, his TV, and the cases Caleb had bought him for his trophies. The bed might not have been all that big, but it was just right for the two of us as I squeezed in behind him with my back against the wall.

  “Still think Caleb doesn’t know about me coming up here?” I asked him in my softest whisper. We kept our clothes on, because he wanted me to and it was warmer, but we did sleep under the sheet together.

  Robbie nodded and took my hand as I laid it over his side. “The window is open before he turns on the house alarm for the night. So the alarm doesn’t catch that it isn’t closed. You’re fine.”

  I smiled. “My alarm’s set for four.” We’d figured out the month before that four was a good time for me to get up and head back home before anyone noticed I’d spent the night with Robbie. They wouldn’t understand anyway, since it’s not like we did anything more than lie there together hugging each other and talking. “I’m glad you started keeping your yellow and red ribbons,” I said as I looked around his room. Back when I’d met him, Dan hadn’t let him keep anything but the bright blue ones. Now Robbie was starting to get a collection of others, and they took up a good chunk of the wall behind his laptop.

  “I like your wall of ribbons,” I said sleepily.

  “Do you think Joe would care that I show? Or how good Witchcraft is? I sent him some photos for his rescue website, but none of her showing.”

  His question surprised me. “I think Joe would like more pics of her regardless. She’s beautiful. Everyone says so. I love that she doesn’t have any white on her. She’s like the complete opposite of Magic.”

  We didn’t talk about Joe much, or at all, but if Robbie wanted to talk about his biological father, then I was at the ready. But that was all he wanted to say about him that night.

  He chuckled and I hugged him close. “Good night, Sam.”

  “Night, Robbie. See you in the morning.”

  “Yep. At the barn.”

  I knew he’d sleep through
me leaving his room. He always did, except when I accidently tripped on something. But he’d been really good about not leaving stuff between his bed and the window so I didn’t make a lot of noise. We could have simply told people, and I’d considered doing that a few times. I’d even been close to telling my mom once. I felt guilty not letting her know about the hours I spent with my arms around Robbie. She and I had always been so close up until I’d started really keeping things like this from her.

  But in the end, I guess I didn’t say anything to her, or anyone else, because I didn’t want them trying to stop us. Robbie was my boyfriend, and my best friend, and just because people would get the wrong idea about us didn’t mean there was something else going on. I just didn’t like spending any amount of time away from him, and that included when we were asleep.

  Falling asleep next to him was awesome. He was warm and comfortable to cuddle up against, and when he had nightmares—which was only sometimes now but used to be a lot more—I got to hold him tight until he stopped shaking. We didn’t talk about his nightmares, but I knew they dealt with Dan because when he woke up from them, he would always go over to the big mirror on the back of his door and take off his shirt. He was looking for bruises, he’d told me once, reminding himself they weren’t there.

  Then he’d come back to bed, I’d put my arms around him again, and we’d go back to sleep after a while. It always took him at least an hour to fall asleep again after a nightmare. Tonight it took a little longer than that, when, right around midnight, he began shaking his head, waking me up. He mumbled, and I covered his mouth with my hand, muffling the sound so no one came in to see what the problem was.

  “Hey,” I whispered against his short hair as I hugged him as tightly as I could. I hated seeing him hurting like this, especially when I knew I couldn’t do anything about it.

  Robbie woke up with a start and froze.

  “It’s me. Just me.” He nodded, and I took my hand off his mouth. Sometimes he was too hot after a nightmare. Sometimes too cold. He shivered, and I pulled his thick comforter up around us, nearly covering our heads with it. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” His voice was shaky. “Sorry I woke you up. Had another one.”

  He didn’t need to be sorry to me for having a nightmare about Dan beating him up. “I don’t mind being woken up because of your nightmares. I’m glad I’m here to help when you need it.”

  Robbie rolled over in my arms and I held on to him. With his face so close to mine I really wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t know if he’d want that, not after waking up like he had. He put his arm loosely over my side and I closed my eyes, ready to go back to sleep.

  “I don’t sleep that well without you here. Sometimes not even at all. It’s like I can’t relax, like I don’t feel safe without you here beside me,” he quietly admitted, making me open my eyes again. Robbie already had his shut, and I moved closer to him. Our knees were touching, and I liked the closeness.

  Chapter Five

  Robbie

  WAKING UP without Sam there next to me always felt weird. Like, I went to bed with him right there, he should have been beside me when I woke up too. And, as I always did, I wondered why no one ever heard him come in. Sure, he was quiet, but it wasn’t like I didn’t have Ben’s room to my left and Daniel’s on my right. Maybe they did hear him and just didn’t say anything to Uncle Caleb. I kind of doubted that, though. I was pretty sure my brothers didn’t like me enough to hold on to that kind of a secret, at least not without trying to get something out of me for it.

  They weren’t bad guys. Well, Ben wasn’t. Daniel and I didn’t get along, but that was because I wasn’t over how he’d done nothing to stop Dan when he’d been hurting me. I couldn’t say what it was, not like Sam could. He could say that Dan hit me, or that he’d beat me up, but I couldn’t talk about it. It was too much, too real. And talking about it like that made it come back for me. I wasn’t messed up; I didn’t think I was anyway, but sometimes it was too much for me.

  And the nightmares didn’t help with that. I got out of bed and passed Ben in the hallway on my way to the bathroom the three of us shared. I nodded to him, and he waved. That was pretty much how we were every morning. I showered as quickly as I could and then got dressed.

  With Max gone, I was ready to get back with Sam. I hadn’t minded having Max around actually, but I wanted to spend more time with just Sam, and I couldn’t exactly do that with his ex hanging around us. Not that Max had been anything but nice to me; I… I guess I was just in a bad mood or something. Lack of sleep, plus everything that had happened. I really wasn’t doing all that well. Not like that was Sam’s problem, but I knew he could tell.

  I tried to act as happy as I could when I went down to the barn and saw him there cleaning out the stalls. Magic and Witchcraft were already in their pasture, and Blue and Cleric were in theirs, which left the barn empty to be cleaned.

  “Hey,” he said, looking up at me as I came in.

  I quickly kissed him on his cheek before walking around him to grab another shovel for the shavings. Back in Kentucky we’d used straw for the bedding, but here Uncle Caleb got the good stuff, and he told us to pile it high for the horses so that they’d be comfortable. They even had rubber mats under the shavings so they never stood on hard ground. I really liked that he thought of doing that for them, even before we’d moved here with our horses.

  “Uncle Caleb must really love horses. He spends a lot on the upkeep, and this barn must have cost him a fortune,” I said as we finished cleaning out Blue’s stall and moved on to Cleric’s. When the wheelbarrow behind us was full, we took it out to the compost pile to be emptied.

  Sam shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe. I mean, I know he can ride. But he’s not down here at six in the morning like we are, or out every day on them. I think it’s because he has Trent that he doesn’t ride more.”

  He was probably right. “Let’s always have the horses. I can’t imagine life without having a horse in it. Can you?”

  Shaking his head, Sam looked over at me and smiled. “I can’t. Horses before kids, then?”

  I hadn’t realized we were going there, but I guess we were. And the weirdest part of it for me was I wasn’t scared when I thought about stuff like that with him. I could think about five years ahead, when I’d be twenty-two, and I still wanted Sam to be there with me. “I want horses more than I want kids,” I said, giving him an answer.

  “I like to think of us that far out,” he quietly admitted.

  “Yeah?”

  Sam nodded, and we continued cleaning out Cleric’s stall. “I think of us as still living here, because, really, there aren’t that many places to rent in Thornwood. And we probably went to college in Denver, but it’s only about an hour drive, so we’d still live here and try to get our classes on just a few days. And we don’t have kids.”

  “How about a dog?”

  Sam looked a bit embarrassed, but I wasn’t. I’m glad he thought about us like that too. I mean, we’d only been going out for a few months, but we’d been through a lot together. The first week I’d met him, we’d been kissing and I figured out I was bi, so that had to mean something for our future.

  “A big dog. Not a little one that likes to bark at people.”

  “And then we can name him Bucephalus, like in our history book.” Sam gave me a blank look, like he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about. “Bucephalus…. Alexander the Great’s horse. Your mom has us all reading his biography right now. You haven’t started it?”

  Sam blushed and gave me a wide grin. “You only did because Witchcraft looks like him.”

  I couldn’t say anything to deny that. “Yeah, but also because I want your mom to like me. She can be really scary!”

  He gave me a little shove on my shoulder, and we laughed as we got back to work. It was really hot when we finished cleaning out the stalls and putting fresh bedding down, so as much as I wanted to go riding, I didn’t want to put Witchcraft through that.
So instead I followed Sam back to the waterfall, on foot this time, and we lay there in the grass with our feet in the water cooling us off.

  “Max liked meeting you yesterday,” Sam said after about half an hour.

  That made me pretty happy. It was strange, but it did matter to me whether or not Sam’s ex had liked me or not. “I thought he was nice.”

  Sam smiled at me, and I knew that was the right response. He took my hand in the grass, and I closed my eyes and let the sun come down over me.

  “What are you afraid of?” Sam asked.

  It was such a weird question, and it had me opening my eyes and looking over at him. “Huh?”

  “What are you afraid of? If anything? I’m scared of spiders. They creep me out.”

  I smiled and wished I was scared of something that easy. “Dan coming back and taking Ben away.” It was still weird for me to call him Dan and not Dad, but he wasn’t my dad. He was Ben’s and he was Daniel’s, but he was never really mine. He helped raise me, but he wasn’t my biological dad, and I didn’t think a man who could hit someone who thought they were their son could really be a dad to anyone. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t have a dad, and that was okay by me because I had my only family with Uncle Caleb and Sam’s parents.

  “I’m sorry. It was a stupid question.”

  I shook my head and turned over onto my side to really look at him. “No, it wasn’t. I wish I was just afraid of spiders. They scare me too, and someday I’d like to just be afraid of them. But right now Dan is my biggest worry.”

  He nodded, just a little, and squeezed my hand. “I get that.”

  “I know you do.” I smiled at him. I wanted him to know what he’d said was okay. That I wasn’t upset by it at all. Someday maybe Dan wouldn’t be my biggest concern, but it hadn’t even been a year since he’d moved us to Colorado, and now he was in jail, but there was still a hearing for bail and things like that coming.