Head Above Water

by Caitlin Ricci

It was all the stuff I should have been told, but Trent didn’t seem to think I was up to it. I’d asked; he said he’d tell me if anything came up that I needed to be there for. Those had been his words. Not if something happened I should know about, but that if something was coming that I had to actually be there in the room with him for, he’d tell me. It wasn’t good enough for me, but he was more stubborn than even Blue was, which was saying a lot since most days getting that short gelding to actually canter was a huge process that left Ben looking more frustrated than anything.

  “I wish I could help,” Sam quietly said, sounding lost.

  I let go of his hand to lay my arm loosely over his stomach as the water lapped at the bottom of my jeans, soaking the ankles. “You do help, though. You’re my best friend. Without you around I’d just have Uncle Caleb and Daniel and Ben, and I like them; but Daniel’s mean, and Ben’s so messed up right now, and Uncle Caleb doesn’t seem like he knows what to do with us half the time. I don’t think he ever really wanted any kids, and now he’s kind of got three of us. Without you I’d be pretty freaking lost, and—”

  He cut off my words with a kiss, and I didn’t stop him. I really liked kissing Sam. Sometimes I still owed him kisses if I was mean to him or something, but most of the time I was nice and we kissed because we wanted to. Because we both liked it. And because he was my boyfriend, I could kiss him whenever I wanted, and I didn’t stop him from kissing me either most of the time. Sometimes I did pull back, though, especially if how he was kissing me made me feel a bit weird, like maybe it was too much, but today I didn’t stop him. Today I let him keep kissing me, and I kissed him back, and when he rolled over on top of me and my back got wet from the sandy riverbank, I smiled against his lips.

  He pulled back before too long, and I smiled at him because I knew why he’d stopped, and I really appreciated him for letting me go before I had to ask him to. “Thanks.”

  Sam nodded and rolled onto his back next to me. We were both breathing pretty heavily, and my shirt was all sandy and messed up from rolling around with him. “Think you’ll ever be ready for more?”

  “That’s not really fair,” I said with a frown. I didn’t even know why I wasn’t ready right then. “I don’t want to be pressured into having sex with you, Sam.”

  He sat up next to me, and I got up too. “I’m not trying to pressure you, though. Not at all. Maybe if you just told me why you weren’t ready, then I’d understand. I mean, you like me, and I like you, and we’ve been going out for a while now. I don’t get it.”

  I shrugged and wished I had an answer for him, because then maybe it would make things easier between us. But I didn’t. All I had was this feeling in my gut that told me I didn’t want to have sex yet. That I wasn’t ready. “It’s not about not liking you enough. It’s about me not being okay with it yet. I know you and Max had sex when you were going out, and it wasn’t a big deal to you—”

  “It was, though. It was huge. I wanted to be with him so much, and when we were together it was so great.”

  I swallowed thickly and looked away. I did not need to know about how freaking wonderful it was for Sam to have sex with Max, and seeing him get all happy and have a big ol’ smile on his face when he talked about it really hurt me. I got to my feet and brushed the sand off my pants as much as I could. It was probably a wasted effort anyway. “I’m gonna go back home. Study or something. I’ll see you later.”

  “Robbie, no. Wait a second. C’mon. I didn’t mean it like that.” Sam got up too and grabbed my hand, stopping me before I could turn away from him. “Please? Stay here. Talk to me.”

  I couldn’t. Not when I was so ready to cry and hurting so much. “I’m not Max. I know you know that, but I don’t know if you really get that. I’m not ready to have sex. I’m barely ready to french-kiss you. I’m not okay when you try to touch my butt or when you put your hand on my leg. I’m sorry. I want to be more for you and be everything you want, but I’m not there yet. Sometimes it feels like I just barely found out that I’m bi, and it may not seem like it’s going too fast for you but sometimes it feels too fast for me. A lot of times it does. I like thinking about us in the future, and I want us to have that, but right now, this, I can’t do what you want and I can’t be that person.”

  I tried to pull away, but he didn’t let go of my hand. Instead he stepped up and hugged me tightly, and I hugged him back as hard as I could, because even as upset as I was, and even though I was hurting more than I had in a while, I didn’t want him to go away. I wanted to stay right there with him and not cry and not be angry at him, and myself. But I couldn’t stop my tears from falling, and I tightened my hands in the back of Sam’s shirt.

  “I’m sorry I pushed,” Sam said against my shoulder.

  I nodded. I knew he was. He didn’t mean to, just like I didn’t mean to be a jerk sometimes. But I was still hurt, and he’d still hurt me even though he hadn’t been trying to.

  “Are you still going to go home?”

  “Yeah.” I was better, and I was glad I’d said what I had, but I wasn’t okay. I needed some time to myself for a little bit. “Come over in a bit and play video games?”

  “Okay. I am sorry, though. Really, I am.” Now he sounded like he was about to cry too. Crap. I hadn’t meant to make him sad just because I was all confused and messed up.

  I gave him a big squeeze and stepped back. This time he let me go so he could wipe his eyes. I needed to too, but I had sand on my fingers and didn’t want to end up hurting myself. “I know you are. I just need a little bit of time. Okay? I’m not saying no sex ever. I’m just saying that I need to get to that point, and right now I’m freaking out.”

  He smiled at me, though it was only a little bit of the smiles I was used to getting from him. “Yeah. Okay. Can I walk home with you?”

  I took his hand, and he laced his fingers with mine. “’Course you can.” That got a bigger smile from him, and I even managed to smile back this time.

  Chapter Six

  Sam

  I REALLY didn’t like saying bye to Robbie anytime, but I absolutely hated it when he was sad or we were fighting. Especially when I knew I was in the wrong. My parents, when they fought, hung around each other and worked it out, so that’s what I was used to. Robbie didn’t do that. When he was mad or upset about something he wanted to go away and hide from me, and I didn’t like that, but I couldn’t really stop him either. We hugged, and I went back home where my mom stuck a molasses cookie in my mouth and put a glass of milk in front of me the second I’d walked into our house.

  “You sit there and tell me why my baby’s upset,” she said, pointing to a stool at the island.

  I could have lied and said that everything was fine, or that I had no idea what she was talking about, except I tried my best not to lie to my mama, and she always knew when I was anyway. “Robbie and I had a fight,” I said around mouthfuls of the cookie.

  “Because Max was here and you tried to get them to be friends and that didn’t work?” she guessed. She took a seat beside me at the island with her own plate of cookies, except she was drinking coffee and she didn’t like when I had that to drink. I was too young or something, even though Caleb made a pot every morning and told us to help ourselves, and sometimes I had some, though I did put a lot of milk in it. Straight-up coffee, like he drank it, was pretty nasty.

  I shook my head. “Because of….” I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to tell her this or not. I mean, she knew I’d had sex with Max. They’d found a condom in my trash can and now I couldn’t have Robbie in my room with the door closed. I’d been in really big trouble back then, and I didn’t want to get grounded again for just wanting to have sex with Robbie since we hadn’t actually done anything. Yet.

  She put her fingers around my chin so I couldn’t look away from her. “What is it, child? What has so you so tied up that you can’t even talk about it? Did that little red-haired boy do something to my baby? Because if he did you know your mama is going to
go whoop him for you. No one messes with my child. Not no one.”

  I smiled at her and shook my head, breaking my chin out of her hold. “No, it was me this time. I guess I was trying to pressure him into having sex.” I was embarrassed talking about it and didn’t really want to, but the easiest way to get out of having a conversation with my mom was always to just come right out and say whatever I was trying to hide.

  Mom didn’t lean back, or look at me any differently. She just frowned and shook her head, like she was disappointed in me, which, in its own way, was actually a lot worse. “Sam, child, I’m not happy that you and Max were intimate, especially not before I even realized you two were getting to that point in your relationship. But I accepted it. You’d gotten older and could make your own decisions. Then your daddy and I sat you down and made you watch that awful video, and I was sure you wouldn’t want to be with anyone else in that way for a few years at least.”

  I remembered. I’d thrown up right after it. I didn’t know what she was getting at, though, since I knew all of that.

  “But if you think you’re ready to go there again, with Robbie this time, then Lord knows I can’t stop you. You boys will find a way to be together, and the more I tell you that you can’t, the more you’ll fight. It’s just like when we moved here and Caleb got that horse a little bit after that. I told you I didn’t want you riding him when no one was down at the barn with you. And that didn’t last long. I told you to always wear your helmet, and sometimes you still do, thankfully. But if I tell you I absolutely do not want you having sex with Robbie, well I’m fairly certain it won’t work. So, I suppose the only thing I need to tell you is I love you and to be safe.”

  I frowned at her, finally figuring out what she was getting at. “That’s the thing, though. We’re not having sex. He’s not ready. And I pushed, and now he’s mad at me.”

  “Oh!” I really didn’t like how happy she looked about that. “Well, good, then. Go with that.”

  “Huh? That’s your advice? Just don’t have sex?” I shook my head, really not expecting such little wisdom from her. “That didn’t help.”

  Mom pursed her lips at me and gave me one of those looks like I’d clearly overstepped some imaginary line. “You don’t sass your mama. You’re seventeen, not twenty-seven.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  She got off her stool and patted me on my shoulder. “You want some good advice still, I’m sure.”

  “Please?” I asked her, slumping forward and sighing. I didn’t know what to do here.

  Mama put another cookie on a napkin in front of me. “That one is for Robbie. You’ll take it to him after you change and get the sand out of your hair. But in the meantime I want you to figure out why it is you think you want to have sex with him. More than just you think you’ll like how it feels. You decide that, and make sure you can tell him, and I think things will be okay. Unless you already have?”

  I shook my head. “We haven’t actually talked about it. I just know I want to and he doesn’t. I didn’t think I was being pushy. I was only letting him know how much I wanted to… not pushing exactly.” I glanced up sheepishly at her.

  “But now?”

  Shrugging, I finished off my cookie. “I think I went too far. He was really upset.” And I knew I’d screwed up with him.

  Mama gave me a nod and pointed me toward the bathroom. “Go get cleaned up. Patch things up with him when you’re clean and have had a chance to think. Once you have an answer, a real one, then you can go back over there and take the cookie to him.”

  I hadn’t thought she’d meant that. “What if I don’t come up with something by the time I change? Or even by tonight?”

  “Then you’re staying inside for once, and I don’t have to worry about you off in the woods on a twelve-hundred-pound animal. You’ll still take care of the horses, but no hanging out with Robbie until you figure out the real reason you want to go in that direction with him.”

  I groaned as I headed into the bathroom. She was being so unfair.

  Chapter Seven

  Robbie

  I TRUDGED inside the house and nearly ran into Ben since I wasn’t looking where I was going. “Hi,” I mumbled before slumping onto the floor to kick off my shoes.

  “You okay?” he asked me.

  I looked up at him, surprised he’d bother to ask me that, and nodded a little. “Going out?” He already had his riding boots on.

  “Just for a while. Thought I’d see if I could get Blue to go over some poles.”

  “Have fun.” With my shoes off, I got up and held the door open for him.

  “See you.” He gave me a bit of wave, which was barely more than the lifting of his hand, but for Ben I’d count it, and headed down the path to the barn.

  Daniel’s bedroom door was open, so I figured he had to be out too, even though I hadn’t seen him at the barn when I’d walked up with Sam, so maybe he was in town or in the woods or something. I did see Uncle Caleb’s SUV was still in the driveway, though, and Trent’s patrol car was there too, so that meant they were here, which was good because I was pretty sure I needed to have a conversation with at least Uncle Caleb, if not Trent too.

  I considered changing my clothes first, and ended up doing just that when I saw bits of riverbank sand falling off me as I walked. In a fresh pair of shorts and an old T-shirt that had a horse on it, I went in search of them. Despite it being a big house, finding them didn’t take me all that long. Really, since Uncle Caleb’s office door was open and his bedroom door was too, there was only the back living room with the big TV left for them to be in, assuming they were in the house still.

  I found Uncle Caleb lying next to Trent on the couch, and he sat up when I came in. “Hey. You have fun with Sam this morning?”

  I shrugged and hesitated at the doorway. Uncle Caleb had been really nice to us, and I didn’t want any of that to change just because I was having some issues. I took a step into the room, then quickly backed up. I wasn’t ready to talk about this. Definitely not. Maybe some other time, but I wasn’t ready to handle that kind of a discussion right then.

  “Robbie?” Trent was trying to get my attention, but I just shook my head.

  Uncle Caleb got off the couch and came over to wrap his arm around my shoulders. “Whatever it is, we’ll talk. Come here and sit down. You look like you’re about to cry.”

  “Or maybe you’ve already been crying,” Trent said as he moved over on the couch to make some room for me to sit down between them.

  I nodded. “Already been.”

  “Thinking about your mom?” Uncle Caleb asked.

  We all got comfortable on the couch together, and I was glad it was big enough for me to have a little room on each side of me as I pulled my knees up to my chest. “No. I’d like to ask…. Maybe….” I shook my head. “This was stupid. Sorry.” I started to get up, but Trent put his hand on my shoulder, stopping me, and I just sighed, knowing that Trent, as a cop, would get the information out of me eventually. He was determined like that. “Sam wants to have sex and I’m scared,” I mumbled.

  Trent let go of me, and Uncle Caleb looked a bit uncomfortable, so I knew they’d heard me, but when neither of them started volunteering any help, I was definitely sure I’d done the wrong thing by coming to them. “Please don’t be mad,” I said to Uncle Caleb. My voice was already starting to break. “Don’t kick us out just because of this.”

  “Huh? Why would I kick you three out?”

  I roughly wiped at my eyes. “Because you don’t want kids, and you’re kind of stuck with us and—” Uncle Caleb hugged me, and even Trent rubbed my back.

  “I’m not making you three go anywhere. Let’s get that straight right now. We’re a family now, and you’re stuck with me. So, back to you and Sam. Do you want to have the talk, or what do you need from Trent and me right now?”

  He let me go, and I felt better. Not a lot, and sure, I wasn’t all fixed, but I was better at least. It was good to know that even w
ith all of my issues, I couldn’t get the three of us kicked out. I’d been worried about Uncle Caleb sending us away since Dan got carted off to jail and I’d been sent to the hospital along with Uncle Caleb. “I’m not really sure what I need,” I said as I sat back and got comfortable again. “I’m scared.”

  “Of what?” Trent asked.

  I bit my bottom lip and was super sure I didn’t want to tell either of them, because it was stupid. “I really like Sam.”

  Uncle Caleb nodded. “Yeah. So…?”

  “So….” No matter how I tried to say it in my head, it still sounded incredibly stupid to the point where I couldn’t even believe I was going to be saying it, but there I was anyway. “What if I don’t like it, and I’m not really bi, and I can’t have Sam, and then he leaves me, and it’s all my fault?”

  Trent snickered, which really didn’t help me at all, but Uncle Caleb just shook his head. “You were seriously thinking that? Really?” I nodded, not having any idea why he was smiling at me, and why Trent seemed like he was trying really hard not to laugh.

  “It’s not funny,” I grumbled.

  Trent stopped. “No, it’s not. I’m surprised you’re that worried about it, though. Of course you won’t like it at first. You’re young, and you have no idea what you’re doing. Sam won’t know either—”

  “Sam was with Max,” I cut him off, feeling pretty low. “I’m the virgin. He’s not.”

  “Ah.” I looked to Uncle Caleb to see what he’d meant by that, but he didn’t add anything.

  Trent, though, leaned toward me. “Look, kid, it’s not going to be great. Everyone thinks their first time is going to be some magical experience and everything will be wonderful and all that. If it’s nice it’s because of the person you’re with and how you feel about them, not because of what’s actually going on. You’ll probably run into each other, you’ll probably feel embarrassed, you might even think it’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done, and you may even be right. But liking sex with a guy isn’t what makes you bi. It’s how you feel about Sam and that you’re attracted to him. There are some people in relationships who never, ever have sex, and they’re fine with that.”