Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  ‘Really? That’s the sweetest and saddest story I’ve ever heard.’ She places her hand over her heart and sighs, and I see tears in her eyes moments before she turns her face away from me. Fucking women. They’re always so emotional.

  ‘Come here,’ I say, closing the distance between us and wrapping her in my arms. Resting my chin on the top of her head, I hear her sniffle as she buries her face in my chest.

  ‘Doesn’t he have any family he can stay with?’

  ‘I don’t know, I didn’t ask. He mentioned something about not wanting to be a burden to anyone, so maybe. Then again, he could have a family like mine, one that doesn’t give a shit. He’ll be comfortable in here.’

  ‘Ugh. Your parents suck.’

  ‘Yes, they do. You can’t choose your family, so they say.’

  ‘You’ll always have me, Sophia and Maddie. We all adore you, Jax. You know that right?’ Her beautiful blue eyes meet mine.

  ‘I know. You girls are all I’ll ever need.’ I use the pad of my thumb to wipe away the tears under her eyes. Her skin is so soft, just like I remembered. I’ll never forget that night we spent together. It’s up there with some of the best moments in my life. Who am I kidding? They were the best few hours of my life.

  My eyes lock with hers and I hate the pity I can see reflecting in them. I don’t want her sympathy.

  I should know from past experiences that being so close to her is a bad idea, but again I seem powerless to stop the inevitable. Just like that first time we kissed all those years ago, something shifts between us. Before the logical side of my brain even registers, my face is inching towards her.

  Her eyelids flutter closed just as our lips connect. The soft moan that falls from her lips travels straight to my cock. Her hands fist in the back of my T-shirt, drawing me closer.

  She’s still my fucking kryptonite.

  Lacing my fingers through her hair, I groan into her mouth as I tilt her head back and deepen the kiss. I’ve dreamt of doing this again since the moment I walked away all those years ago.

  ‘Jax,’ she whimpers.

  I’m not sure how long we stay lost in each other, but this kiss is scorching hot. My rock-hard cock straining painfully against my jeans is proof. It’s like we’re starved for each other. Every feeling from our one night together that I buried years ago comes flooding to the surface. Everything in me wants to throw her on that bed so I can devour her luscious body inch by inch, but I can’t. That’s exactly what got us into this mess in the first place.

  My internal freak-out is the equivalent of a bucket of ice-cold water being thrown on me. In an instant, it extinguishes the flame that burns within me. I abruptly pull out of the kiss, taking a step backwards. I need distance.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say, ‘I don’t know what came over me … I—’

  When she raises her hand, I don’t utter another word.

  ‘Don’t.’

  I see her deflate before my eyes. She turns hastily, as though to leave. I can’t let her go. I need to know that we’re okay. I hope I haven’t fucked things up again.

  ‘Candice, wait.’

  She pauses but doesn’t turn around. ‘What?’

  ‘Turn around and look at me,’ I say. She’s pissed, and she has every right to be. Why did I go there? Why can’t I control these damn feelings? ‘Let me explain.’

  ‘Explain what?’ she snaps as she spins to face me. ‘That I’m not good enough for you, Jax? That you don’t feel that way about me?’

  ‘What? Fuck, no. Is that what you think?’

  ‘It’s what I know.’

  ‘Well, you’re wrong. If anything, you’re too good for me. You’re more than I deserve.’

  I sigh as the realisation creeps back in. It’s something I thought about a lot when we were apart, and even more so since Candice has come back into my life. She deserves way more than I am capable of giving her. I can’t give her what she wants—I just don’t have it in me. How can a person who’s never known love be capable of truly loving someone else? Candice needs to be cherished, worshipped. I’d like to be that person, but in my heart I know I’m not. I’ll never be. My parents’ words are always at the front of my mind. You’re such a disappointment. I’d eventually disappoint Candice as well, it’s what I do best. I couldn’t live with that.

  ‘You’re everything to me. Fucking everything! You’re family.’

  ‘Family, right.’ The hurt in her voice tears me apart.

  Okay, that didn’t come out the way I’d hoped. ‘You’re my world, Candice. Don’t you get that? Our friendship … it can never break up. But this,’ I say, gesturing between us, ‘it can. Relationships break up all the time. I can’t lose you again.’

  ‘How can you say that? How do you know we’d break up? We might not.’

  ‘Fuck,’ I say, rubbing my hands over my face. ‘That might be true, but it’s a chance I’m not willing to take.’

  She exhales harshly.

  My hand reaches out to grab hers. There’s so much more I want to say, but what’s the point? The love I feel for her is fucking hopeless.

  ‘Friendship,’ she eventually says.

  ‘You’re the only real friend I have—you’re all I have.’

  She smiles, but the sadness in her eyes tears me up inside. ‘Sure. Friendship triumphs love any day.’

  She sounds so bitter and I can tell she doesn’t believe her own words. When her grip on my hand tightens, it feels like she’s squeezing the life out of my heart.

  ‘I don’t want to ever lose what we have, Jax.’ With that she releases my hand and walks away.

  I want to scream.

  I want to punch something.

  I want to be so much more than just her friend.

  Fuck my life!

  ••••

  I steer clear of Candice for the rest of the day—as much as I can anyway. Maddie spends her time moving between my studio and reception. She’s been no trouble. For the last few hours she’s been with me while Candice is finishing getting the garage sorted for Brian.

  I’m grinning to myself as I watch Maddie climb down off her chair in the corner before toddling over to me.

  ‘Taoo like, Sissy?’ she says, extending her arm to me.

  ‘I can’t give you a tattoo.’ I chuckle as I lift her into my arms. ‘Tattoos are only for big girls.’

  ‘I big,’ she says as her bottom lip starts to quiver and tears fill her big brown eyes. How can I resist that face? Talk about a heartbreaker. I pity all the guys when she gets older. They’re not gonna know what hit them.

  ‘Okay. Just a little one though.’

  Her face lights up as she wraps her arms around my neck, squeezing me tight. Burying my lips into her chubby cheek, I kiss her sweet face as I walk to the reclining chair on the far side of the room. Gently putting her down, I drag the stool towards me and sit. I riffle through the top drawer of the cabinet beside me until I find a black permanent marker.

  ‘So what kind of tattoo would you like?’

  ‘Puppy,’ she squeals, straightening her arm and holding it out to me. Of course she wants Puppy, she’s obsessed with that damn thing. Prying the stuffed toy out from under her arm, I sit it on her lap so I can use it as my muse.

  The moment the marker connects with her skin she squirms. ‘Tickle.’

  ‘I know it tickles, but you’ve gotta stay still or Puppy is going to be all wiggly.’

  Her eyes move to me from where they’re fixed on her arm. ‘’Kay,’ she says.

  She’s so friggin’ adorable.

  She manages to stay reasonably still until I’m done. I draw a picture of Snoopy standing. He’s holding a heart in his hands that says, I love Peanut.

  ‘There you go,’ I say, putting the lid back on the marker.

  ‘Puppy,’ she squeals. I can tell by the expression on her face she loves it. It does look pretty damn good. ‘Taoo, Sissy.’ When she holds out her arm proudly and looks at the doorway, I swing around in my se
at. Candice is leaning against the doorframe, watching us.

  Pushing off the frame, she walks across the room, coming to a stop beside me. She makes eye contact with me briefly before focusing her attention on her sister. Christ, I hope that kiss from earlier isn’t going to make things awkward between us. Why can’t I keep my hands—and mouth—to myself when she’s around?

  ‘Aww,’ Candice says when she looks at Maddie’s arm. ‘Puppy. Do you know what that says, Maddie?’

  Maddie shakes her head.

  ‘It says, “I love Peanut”.’

  She smiles as she lifts her arm to her face, kissing the drawing. ‘I wuv you too, Puppy.’

  Could this kid get any cuter?

  ‘Thank you,’ Candice says, bumping my arm with her hip. When I hear her whisper, ‘Cutie-pie,’ I growl, and she laughs. I’m not a fucking cutie-pie.

  She lifts Maddie off the reclining chair and into her arms. After kissing her cheek, she looks down at me. ‘I just finished setting up the garage for Brian if you want to come take a look.’

  ‘Okay.’ This time we’ll have Maddie with us, so we’ll be safe.

  ‘Jax,’ Maddie says, reaching for me when I stand. I smile as I take her out of Candice’s arms. She likes her Uncle Jax. This kid has good taste.

  ‘Jesus,’ I say when I walk into the garage.

  ‘You like?’

  ‘I do. You’ve done a great job.’ I look at her and she’s smiling. I can tell she’s proud of the work she’s done in here. So she should be. When I left earlier, there was only a bedframe, a mattress, a few cobwebs, and a hell of a lot of dust. In two hours, she’s managed to transform it into a room. We picked up a secondhand bed on Gumtree. The guy lived locally and even delivered it for us. I gave Candice my credit card and sent her out to get whatever else she thought Brian would need. She went above and beyond. The bed now has linen, including a pillow, sheets, a blanket and comforter. She chose a dark navy colour. Considering the state of him, that was a wise choice. I wish there was a bathroom here so he could shower, but there isn’t. And that’s an expense I can’t afford right now. There’s a hand basin in the corner, so at least he has running water in case he’d like to wash.

  I pray Brian turns up tonight. I don’t want him out on the street. He’ll be safe and comfortable here.

  ‘I picked up the bedside table, chest of drawers and lamp at an op shop. Actually, everything’s secondhand, except for the linen of course.’

  Putting Maddie down, I walk around the garage, taking it all in. The bed is on the far side of the room. On the adjacent wall, Candice has hung a small mirror. Under that stands a chest of drawers that has a large metal basin sitting on top. Opening the top drawer, I find a hair brush, scissors, a razor, shaving cream, a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste and a bar of soap. The drawer beneath houses a few towels and face washers.

  ‘You’ve thought of everything,’ I say, turning to face her. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘It would be cool if we could pick up a cheap bar fridge. We could stock it with food and drinks. Oh, and a kettle so he can make coffee or tea. In winter we should invest in a heater. It’ll get cold in here.’

  She’s talking enthusiastically and I love that she’s just as invested in this as I am. ‘They’re great ideas. That can be your job tomorrow.’

  She scoops Maddie into her arms. ‘Okay. We better get going—I want to check on Sophia. Are you coming over for dinner? We may have to get takeout.’

  ‘Nah. I’m gonna stick around and see if Brian shows up. I wanna make sure he’s okay, and I’d like to re-dress his wounds before I go.’

  ‘You’re a good man, Jaxson Albright.’

  ‘You’re not too bad yourself, Miss Crawford.’

  I’m happy that things still seem normal between us—I was worried the kiss would make things weird. Is it possible we’re finally making progress?

  Heading back into the shop, I lock up once everyone leaves. Gus offered to walk Candice and Maddie to the car, which I was grateful for. After cashing up and putting the takings in the safe in my studio, I head out the back. It’s just after seven, and it’s dark outside. I really hope Brian shows.

  I’m rooted to the spot when I reach the garage. The door is open, and Brian is standing in the centre of the room. His shoulders are slumped and his head is bowed. I give him a moment before I enter.

  ‘You came?’

  He faces me slowly. That’s when I see the tears that are cascading down his face. ‘You did all this for me?’ he whispers, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.

  ‘With the help of Candice. Well, actually, she did most of it.’

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Don’t say anything. I’m just glad you’re here. I can rest easy knowing you’ll be safe tonight.’

  ‘Thank you,’ he says, stepping forward and extending his hand. ‘And thank that little lady of yours for me too. You have no idea what this means to me …’

  I smile as I wrap my hand around his. I only wish she was my little lady.

  In my heart she always will be.

  JAX

  AS THE WEEKS PASS, MY CONFIDENCE IN US BEING ABLE TO get through this clusterfuck in one piece strengthens. The kiss is long forgotten, and Candice and I are getting on better than we have in a while. I’m smiling to myself as I walk into reception. For the first time in a long time, I’m happy with where we’re heading.

  The smile drops from my face and I freeze when I see Carter sitting on the sofa in a deep and meaningful conversation with Candice. Why is he here? Her hand is tenderly rubbing his arm as he speaks, and I don’t like it. I don’t like it one little bit. I’ll admit I like the guy, but since he hooked up with Candice, my feelings towards him have changed somewhat. I know it’s just jealousy, and he has no idea how I feel about her, but I don’t want to share her with anyone. She’s mine.

  As much as I’d like to, I can’t make a scene. Candice has already warned me about interfering in her life. So I take a few moments to compose myself before approaching them. They’re so engrossed in each other they don’t even notice me. I breathe deeply before I speak.

  ‘Hey.’

  Their heads swing in my direction, and my eyes lock on Candice.

  ‘Don’t you have work to do? I don’t pay you to sit around and chitchat.’

  The moment her eyes widen and her mouth gapes I know my comment has pissed her off. That went well. So much for not making a scene.

  ‘Really?’ she says as her eyes narrow.

  ‘Yes, really.’

  ‘This was a mistake,’ Carter says. ‘I shouldn’t have come here.’

  That’s right buddy, you shouldn’t have. If you want to make moves on my girl you can do it elsewhere. This is my shop.

  When he goes to stand, Candice reaches for his arm. ‘Don’t go, Carter. Jax wasn’t directing that at you.’

  ‘It’s okay. I should go.’

  I can tell by his body language that something is up with him. He was like this the day we met. It makes me feel bad about the way I’m acting. So much for progress.

  ‘Sit,’ Candice demands. ‘Give me a minute with Jax.’ She pushes past me and gives me a look that says if I know what’s good for me I’d better follow.

  ‘Give us a minute,’ I say to Carter, forcing a smile.

  ‘What’s your fucking problem?’ Candice snaps the minute I enter my studio.

  ‘My problem?’

  ‘Yes. You were so rude out there.’

  ‘Why, because I said I don’t pay you to sit around and chitchat? News flash, I fucking don’t.’

  ‘You can be a real jerk sometimes, Albright, you know that?’

  I scrub my hand over my face as I count to ten in my head.

  ‘Do you even know why Carter is here? Oh that’s right you wouldn’t, because you were too busy acting like an arsehole to find out.’

  ‘I’m not stupid, Candice, he came here to see you.’

  ‘Wrong! He came to see you.
’ She pokes me in the chest. ‘He’s run away from home. He was hoping he could sell some more of his drawings so he has money to pay for a place to stay. Do you want him to end up on the streets like Brian?’

  I sigh. ‘No.’

  ‘I really don’t get you sometimes. You were the one who reached out to him in the first place.’

  I want to say, ‘Yeah, well that was before he hooked up with you,’ but I don’t. I’m acting like a jealous prick, and I’m not about to admit that to her.

  Removing my cap, I run my fingers through my hair. ‘Fine. Send him in.’

  I don’t speak another word as I stalk across the room and busy myself at my work station. I don’t need to turn around to see the daggers she’s shooting me, I can feel the fuckers plunging deep into my back.

  A few minutes later there’s a knock at the door. Carter. ‘Candice said you wanted to see me.’

  ‘Yeah, come in,’ I say as I face him. When I see his sketchpad in his hand, I feel like a cock. I need to get a fucking grip on this jealous streak.

  ‘Thanks, man. I’m sorry for coming here, but I was desperate.’

  ‘Why did you come?’

  ‘I need money. Not charity,’ he adds, quickly holding out his sketchpad. ‘I have more drawings if you’re interested. If not, that’s cool too. I just thought there was no harm in asking.’

  ‘Why do you need money?’ I already know why, but I want to hear it out of his own mouth.

  He shrugs. ‘I left home on the spur of the moment, without thinking. I’ve got a little cash, but only enough to get by for a few days. I’m gonna look for work.’

  ‘Sit,’ I say, pointing to the chair. ‘How old are you anyway?’

  ‘I’m turning eighteen in a few weeks.’

  Fuck, he’s just a kid. He looks older. What in the hell is Candice doing with someone so young?

  ‘Tell me to mind my own business if you like, but why did you feel the need to leave home in such a hurry? Are you having problems, or are you in some kind of trouble?’

  ‘I have my reasons.’

  I raise my eyebrows. If he wants my help he’s gonna have to give me more than that.