Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  ‘Go away.’

  I turn the handle anyway and find it locked. Ugh! ‘Please, Jax.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it, Candice.’

  I rest my forehead against the door and sigh. As much as I want to comfort him, I have to accept he wants to be alone. ‘Okay. I’m here if you change your mind.’ I wait for a reply, but it never comes.

  My heart is heavy as I walk back to the front counter. Fuck his family. I have to control the urge to ring them and give them a piece of my mind. Jax doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.

  For the rest of the day, Jax avoids everyone, only emerging from his room to collect his next client. He doesn’t even make eye contact with me when he enters reception. He looks totally deflated. I just want to pull him into my arms and tell him how special he is, and how much I love him.

  At the end of the day, I stay behind while he cashes up.

  ‘You don’t need to hang around,’ he says.

  ‘I want to. Jax—’

  ‘Don’t,’ he says, holding up his hand.

  I know what rejection feels like, I’ve faced it my whole life with my father, but this is so much worse. This is his entire family. I’d be lost without Sophia and Maddie.

  ‘Are you going to come over for dinner tonight?’

  ‘Nope. Not tonight. I’m not really in the mood.’

  ‘Please. I don’t want you to be alone,’ I plead, gently rubbing my hand down his arm.

  ‘I’ll be fine, honestly. I just want to be alone.’

  I sigh. ‘Okay. If that’s what you really want.’

  ‘It is.’

  ••••

  I’ve tried my best to stay away, giving Jax the space he needed, but I can’t do it any longer. He’s been occupying my mind ever since I left work. ‘Will you make me up a plate of food to take around to Jax?’ I ask Sophia while we eat dinner.

  ‘Of course. Why didn’t he come tonight? Is he working back?’

  ‘No, he’s not working back.’ I sigh. ‘I’m worried about him. We saw an article in the social pages of the paper today.’

  ‘What about? His father?’

  ‘No, Brent. He got married on the weekend. Jax knew nothing about it.’

  ‘He wasn’t invited to his own brother’s wedding?’ Her eyes widen as she speaks.

  ‘You know what his family are like.’

  ‘Poor Jaxson. He’s such a good kid. I never was able to take to his mother. She’s a stuck-up bitch, and his father … ugh … he’s an A-grade arsehole.’

  ‘I know. I think I’ll head over to his house after I shower. I don’t want him to be alone.’

  ‘Good idea. If anyone can cheer him up, it’s you sweetheart.’ She smiles as she stands and collects our plates to take to the sink.

  Once upon a time I would’ve believed that, but things between us aren’t what they used to be. Our friendship has become very complicated.

  ‘Go and get all dolled up and I’ll pack some food for you to take to him.’

  ‘I’m not getting dolled up. Do you want me to bath Maddie before I go?’

  ‘No. I’ll do that. Jaxson needs you.’

  ••••

  Butterflies churn in my stomach as I walk down his front path. Please don’t let him have a girl inside. I’ll die if he does. Although there’s been no beauties dropping off his wallet at work lately, that doesn’t mean he’s not still sleeping his way around Sydney. He’s never been one to talk about those kind of things, but the rumour mill was ripe when we were at school. And I occasionally overhear some of the things Gus says.

  Jax’s car is parked out in the street, and there’s a light on inside the house, that’s a good sign. I knock and wait, but when nobody comes to the door, I try again.

  Just when I’m about to call out his name, I hear him say, ‘Hold on a minute.’

  My breath hitches the moment he opens the door. He’s fresh from a shower and looking sexy as hell. His hair is wet and he hasn’t shaved so there’s a light stubble across his chin. He’s wearing a T-shirt and a pair of sweats, and smells all manly and delicious. Shit. I’m not sure coming here was a good idea. It’s one thing to be around him all day at work, but being alone together in his house when all I want to do is jump his bones is dangerous.

  His face lights up as soon as he sees me. That expression will never get old. It turns my insides to mush every time.

  ‘I thought you might like some company. Have you eaten? Sophia packed some leftovers for you.’ I hold up the basket in my hand and I’m relieved when he steps aside so I can enter.

  ‘No, I haven’t,’ he says, following me into the kitchen.

  ‘Good.’ I place the basket on the breakfast bar and start unpacking.

  ‘You brought alcohol too?’ he says, holding up the bottle of Sambuca.

  ‘I did.’

  He chuckles. ‘I hope you left your cock cups at home.’

  ‘Actually …’ I pull out a cup and hold it out to him.

  ‘I’m not fucking drinking out of that, Candice.’

  ‘Wait,’ I say, digging in the bottom of the basket. ‘When Sophia, Maddie and I went to Vegas last year, I bought this.’ I hold up a shot glass that has a pair of boobs on the front. ‘I don’t know why I bought it because you weren’t even in my life then, but I saw it and immediately thought of you, of that nigh—’ I stop talking. Tonight is not the time to rehash that. I came here hoping to cheer him up, not depress him further. One day I hope we can sit down and talk about it, but right now, it’s still too raw.

  He laughs as he picks up the shot glass. ‘A titty cup. Now that’s more like it. I love it.’ He’s smiling when his gaze moves to me. It’s the first genuine smile I’ve seen since earlier today. ‘Thank you for coming here tonight. I thought I wanted to be alone, but I was wrong. I’m glad you’re here.’

  ‘That’s what friends are for right?’

  His smile drops away, and he doesn’t reply.

  ‘Let me heat you up some food.’

  ‘The food can wait. I’d rather get stuck into this, if you don’t mind.’ He picks up the bottle of Sambuca and removes the lid, lifting the bottle to his nose and inhaling. ‘The last time I drank Sambuca was …’

  He doesn’t finish, and I know why. That damn night will forever haunt us. It was the last time I drank Sambuca too. I don’t know what possessed me to buy it on the way over here. It was always my drink of choice back in the day, but I wish I’d picked something else now.

  He fills his shot glass, followed by mine. ‘Titties up.’ He downs the liquid in one gulp and refills his glass. ‘Drink up. Don’t tell me you’re going soft in your old age.’

  ‘Fuck off. I’m not old. I’m a year younger than you.’

  ‘Well, come on then.’

  ‘I drove here. So maybe I shouldn’t.’ I’m totally rethinking this whole idea now. I’m not going soft, I just don’t think us drinking together is a good idea. We both know what happened last time. One of us needs to keep a clear head.

  ‘You can get a cab.’

  I shrug.

  ‘I’m not drinking on my own, Candice.’ He places his shot glass on the counter.

  ‘Fine,’ I say, picking up mine and bringing it to my lips. ‘Penises up.’

  ‘That’s my girl.’ He refills my glass before drinking his second shot. ‘Wanna go sit in the lounge room?’

  ‘Sure. Just let me put the food in the fridge. You really should eat before you drink though.’

  ‘Yes, Mum.’

  I poke my tongue out at him as I gather up the containers. There’s enough food to last him a week. Sophia always cooks like she’s feeding an army.

  I grab the bottle of Sambuca when I’m done. ‘You can carry the glasses.’

  ‘I’m not touching your cock cup.’

  ‘What? Seriously, Jax, you have issues.’

  ‘I have issues? That’s rich coming from someone who collects penises. Besides, I don’t want cock germs.’


  ‘Hello, you have a cock. Or did you forget that?’

  He clears his throat before snatching the bottle of Sambuca out of my hand. ‘You can carry your own damn glass.’

  Shaking my head, I follow him into the lounge room. ‘Pussy,’ I mumble under my breath.

  ‘Hey. I heard that.’

  I snicker because he was meant to hear it. Once he’s seated, I take a seat on the opposite end of the sofa. Distance is always a good thing when we’re alone, especially when there’s alcohol involved. I’ve gotta say, though, it’s nice to be here with him. It’s just like old times.

  We down a few more shots and seem to relax as we laugh and talk about everything and nothing. I’ve missed my best friend.

  ‘So, I didn’t know you went to Vegas.’

  There’s a lot he doesn’t know. So much happened in the time we were separated. It was really tough.

  ‘We spent a few weeks in LA. We took Maddie to Disneyland.’ That was the excuse Sophia used to get me to go with them, but I know it was her way of trying to bring me out of the dark hole I’d fallen into. ‘Since we were so close to Vegas, Sophia wanted to visit there before we left to come home.’

  ‘I bet Peanut loved Disneyland,’ he says.

  ‘She did, but she was too young to really appreciate it. I’d love to take her back when she’s a bit older.’

  ‘You really love her don’t you?’

  ‘I adore her. She’s …’ I let my words drift off. She’s my life is not what Jax needs to hear.

  ‘She’s cute. I bet you looked exactly like that when you were a little girl.’

  I shrug and lift my glass to my mouth. ‘The Crawford genes are strong.’

  ‘They certainly are.’

  ‘Why do you call Maddie “Peanut”?’ I ask. I don’t really feel comfortable talking about this with him. I have no filter when I drink, and I don’t want to slip up.

  ‘Snoopy … Peanut,’ he replies like it’s obvious.

  ‘She loves that damn Puppy.’

  ‘Did she tell you we lost it the day I looked after her?’

  ‘No, she didn’t. She would’ve been devastated.’

  ‘She was. Worst fucking hour of my life,’ he says.

  I feel for him, because I know how upset she would’ve been.

  ‘She did tell me that you hosed the shit off her arse though.’ I laugh. ‘What the hell were you thinking?’

  ‘Seriously. What do you feed that kid? It was either hose her arse or vomit all over her. I thought the hose was the best option.’

  I burst out laughing. I remember how much I struggled changing her nappies when she was first born. I got used to it over time.

  ‘Fill me up,’ I say, holding my shot glass out to him. After topping up mine, he refills his own. The alcohol seems to be working, but it’s only a short-term solution to this problem. ‘I’m sorry that your family let you down again.’

  He shrugs. ‘As far as they’re concerned I no longer exist, so it doesn’t really surprise me.’

  ‘I hate them. I hate that they treat you like this.’

  A sad smile tugs at his lips. ‘It is what it is,’ he says. ‘I should be used to it by now.’

  My heart hurts for him. He tries to brush it off, but I know it bothers him. Scooting closer to him, I place my hand on his leg. ‘It would’ve been a terrible wedding anyway. Your mum, your dad, Brent, and all their stuck-up guests.’ I shiver just thinking about it. ‘You know as well as I do, you would’ve had a terrible time.’

  ‘It would’ve been worse than torture,’ he says, and I have to agree. Resting his empty glass on his upper thigh, he slumps back into the sofa. ‘It would’ve been nice to be invited though.’

  ‘Jax,’ I say, sighing, ‘fuck them. They don’t deserve you anyway. You’ll always have us. We all love you. You know that right?’

  ‘I really struggled after I left, Candice. I was so lost without you.’ When his voice cracks, I wrap him in my arms.

  ‘I felt like that too. It was like a part of me was missing. I don’t want to ever feel like that again.’

  He slides his arms around my waist and squeezes me tight. ‘You mean the world to me. You’re all I have.’

  I run my hand down the side of his face. ‘You have a beautiful soul, Jaxson Albright, and if your family can’t see that, then they’re all fucked in the head.’

  I see the corners of his lips turn up before his beautiful chocolate eyes lock with mine. My heart starts to race, because I know that look. It’s the look he always gives me just before we kiss. The wise thing to do would be to pull away, but I can’t. I want this so much. I haven’t stopped thinking about his lips since he kissed me in the garage. He’s an exceptionally good kisser. Every time his mouth touches mine, something inside me awakens. It’s electrifying, sending currents shooting throughout my body, like every nerve ending comes alive.

  Nobody has ever been able to make me feel the way he does. Nobody. I made out with a ton of guys when I was in high school, and I’ve kissed Carter, and that guy at the club a few weeks back, and neither of them came close to making me feel a fraction of what Jax does.

  Jax’s face moves closer to mine, but I don’t close my eyes. I don’t want to miss a second of this. I inhale a deep breath and hold it as his mouth inches a little closer.

  When he freezes, disappointment floods me.

  He sighs before he closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine. ‘You drive me crazy, Candice. I want to kiss you so bad right now.’

  ‘Well, kiss me then,’ I breathe.

  ‘I don’t want to lose you again,’ he whispers.

  ‘You’re never going to lose me,’ I say, cupping his face in my hands. ‘Never. I lost you once, and I won’t let it happen again. I can’t live without you in my life, Jax.’

  ‘Candice,’ he murmurs as his hand slides into my hair. ‘Why can’t I resist you?’

  I can’t answer that question because he has the same effect on me. I wanted him from the moment I laid eyes on him.

  For a split second I think he’s going to say we can’t do this, but then he surprises me by pulling my face forward. The moment our lips collide, my heart starts to sing. He groans into my mouth when I deepen the kiss. Sliding his hands down to my waist, he lifts me onto his lap, so I’m straddling him. He draws my body flush with his, and I feel his erection pressing against me. I’m filled with conflicting emotions. I’ve spent the last three years fantasising about being with him again, but it also frightens the hell out of me. What if he runs again? I know my heart couldn’t take another blow like that.

  Pulling out of the kiss, his hooded eyes meet mine. ‘I want you so bad,’ he says.

  ‘I want you too, but I’m scared, Jax.’

  ‘Don’t be. You know I’d never hurt you.’

  Tears sting my eyes. ‘You’ve already done that, remember.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ His grip on me tightens. ‘Hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted.’

  ‘If we do this, are you going to run from me again?’

  ‘No. I need you in my life.’ There is so much conviction in his words.

  ‘Make love to me, Jax. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I want to feel that connection with you again.’

  ‘I don’t make love, Candice, I fuck.’

  ‘Well, fuck me then.’

  A primal growl rumbles deep in his chest as he grinds his rock-hard cock against the coarse fabric of my jeans. I slide my trembling fingers into his hair as my mouth crashes into his. Are we really going to do this? I may be making the biggest mistake of my life, but I’m not going to over-analyse the situation. I want to enjoy this moment with him, because it may very well be our last.

  We make out for what seems like an eternity. Our hands, our mouths, our tongues are everywhere. We can’t seem to get enough of each other.

  Then he suddenly stands, lifting me with him. ‘Wrap your legs around me,’ he says as he carries me towards his bedroom.
/>   I’m trembling with anticipation. His fingers dig painfully into my arse as my mouth nips and sucks on his neck.

  ‘I’ve waited years to have you again, and I can’t deny myself any longer. I crave you, Candice.’ The look he gives me as he lays me down on the bed is so hot, I swear my panties disintegrate. ‘By the time I’m finished with you, even the neighbours will need a cigarette.’

  Bring it on, Mr Albright. Bring it on!

  His warm breath dances over my skin, making it pebble with goose bumps, as his tongue travels a path up my neck. He sucks my earlobe into his mouth and I moan. ‘I want you like I’ve never wanted anything in my life,’ he whispers. I swear his words alone are going to make me orgasm.

  ‘Jax,’ I whimper as my hands fist in his hair. ‘Are we really doing this?’

  Drawing back, his haunted eyes meet mine. ‘Please don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts?’

  ‘I want this, I’m just … scared.’

  ‘Scared of what?’

  ‘It’s been so long. I haven’t been with anyone else since you.’

  ‘Jesus,’ he breathes. ‘What about Carter, and that fucker at the club?’

  ‘Nothing happened. I kissed them … that’s all.’

  His eyes search mine. Is he doubting what I’m saying? Just because he sleeps around, doesn’t mean we’re all like that.

  ‘You really haven’t been with another man since me?’

  ‘No.’

  He exhales a large breath as he pushes off the mattress and stands. ‘Maybe this isn’t a good idea.’

  ‘What? No,’ I say, sitting up and reaching for him. ‘Please, Jax.’ I can’t believe I’m begging him. Why aren’t I good enough for him?

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Why what?’

  ‘Why haven’t you been with anyone else?’

  ‘Because the only person I’ve ever wanted is you.’ I sigh as I look down at the floor. I can’t bear to see the expression on his face. I hadn’t meant to confess that and I can’t believe I’m even putting myself out there like this. I’m such an idiot. I’m only asking for more heartache. Humiliation consumes me.

  ‘Maybe I should go.’

  He pauses briefly, but when I go to stand, he steps forward, stopping me. ‘Don’t.’ Placing his finger under my chin, he lifts my face until my gaze meets his. ‘Stay … please.’ He places his lips tenderly on mine. ‘I want you to stay.’ Pushing me back onto the mattress, his body settles over mine. ‘I need you, Candice.’