Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  ‘Why are you wiping your mouth?’

  ‘I just kissed you not realising you were wearing cock on your lips.’

  ‘It’s a nice shade of cock, it suits you.’

  ‘You’re sick.’

  ‘Maybe. But you wouldn’t have me any other way.’

  ‘I’m starting to rethink this whole idea.’

  ‘What?’ she says and her face drops. ‘You don’t want me to be your girlfriend anymore?’

  This time I laugh. ‘Of course I do.’

  ‘You’re an arsehole,’ she says, punching me in the arm. ‘I thought you were serious.’

  ‘What is it with you and your fascination with penises, anyway?’

  She shrugs. ‘I just like them. I grew up in a house with no men. When I saw my first penis, I was fascinated. It all started from there.’

  ‘Huh.’ Her comment pisses me off.

  She grabs my crotch, giving it a gentle squeeze. ‘Don’t worry, yours is my favourite.’

  ‘It better be. You’re mine now, and don’t forget it.’

  ‘You are, and have always been, all I’ve ever wanted, Jaxson Albright.’

  Her words have me smiling like a fool.

  JAX

  CANDICE AND I ARE LAUGHING AT SOMETHING SHE JUST SAID as we walk through the front door of her place. For the first time in my life, I’m truly, truly happy. The past few months have been rocky, but wonderful. We’ve finally decided to take that leap of faith. No more hiding, no more secrets, no more pretending. We are finally a legitimate couple.

  She spent the night at my house last night, so we never got the chance to tell Sophia our good news. It was hard keeping it a secret today at work, but Candice wanted her mother to be the first to know. Tomorrow, I get to tell the world. She’s finally mine, in every sense of the word.

  I’m head over heels in love, and tonight I’m going to tell her. I’m scared I’m going to mess up, or disappoint her in some way, but I can’t keep going like this. I need her. That friends-with-benefits shit was tearing me up inside. What Candice and I have is special. It’s like nothing I’ve ever known, and if we can pull this friends-to-lovers thing off, it will be explosive. Just the thought of it has my adrenaline pumping.

  When we enter the kitchen, I reach for her hand, interlacing our fingers. I’m surprised when I feel Candice’s hand trembling in mine. Am I misreading this? Does she know something I don’t? I’m not sure how Sophia is going to take the news, but up until this moment I was pretty confident she’d be happy for us. We’re made for each other, there’s no denying it.

  I give Candice’s hand a squeeze, and she smiles at me.

  ‘Sophia, we have something we need to tell you,’ she says.

  Sophia turns from the stove and her eyes immediately lock on our joined hands. Relief floods through me when I see her smile.

  ‘Oh my God,’ she squeals as her hands fly up in the air. ‘I was wondering when you two were finally going to see it.’

  ‘See what?’ Candice asks.

  ‘That you’re crazy about each other.’ Sophia wipes a tear from one of her eyes as she makes her way towards us. ‘You’re perfect for each other. This is perfect.’ She wraps us in her arms.

  ‘We are perfect for each other,’ Candice whispers, making my smile grow.

  I agree, we are.

  ‘Look, Sissy,’ Maddie screams as she comes running into the room. ‘I princess.’

  Sophia lets us go, and we turn. The smile on Maddie’s face melts my heart. She’s already dressed and ready for bed, but she’s wearing a tiny jewelled tiara on her head. She looks so sweet.

  ‘You look like a princess,’ Candice says, leaning down and scooping her into her arms.

  ‘Phia made me pretty. I got new sparkly dress.’ She wiggles in Candice’s arms, trying to get free. The moment she places her on the ground, Maddie reaches up and grabs Candice’s hand. ‘Look.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll come look.’ Candice laughs as she’s pulled out of the room. She blows me a kiss over her shoulder just before she disappears through the doorway.

  I can’t explain the feeling I have inside. We’re actually doing it. I hope we don’t live to regret it.

  ‘I’m so happy for you both,’ Sophia says, snapping me back into reality. ‘I couldn’t ask for a better man for my little girl.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘You’re one of the good guys, Jaxson.’

  I feel a lump rise in my throat when she wraps me in her arms again. She’s the closest thing to a mother I have.

  Our moment is quickly broken when Candice comes barrelling into the room. ‘What the hell is this?’ she screams, holding a sparkly, frilly dress in the air.

  ‘Calm down,’ Sophia says. ‘It’s just a small pageant. It’s no big deal.’

  ‘No big deal?’ Candice yells. ‘You promised me!’

  I have no idea what’s going on, but when I see tears in Candice’s eyes, I know it’s not good.

  ‘Honey.’

  When Sophia reaches for Candice, she slaps her hands away. I hear a small whimper come from behind me and glance over my shoulder to see Maddie in the doorway. She’s wide-eyed as she watches Candice and their mother. It tugs at my heartstrings when I see her bottom lip quiver and a tear roll down her cheek.

  Leaving those two hotheads to sort their shit out, I scoop Maddie into my arms and walk out into the hallway. When those two get going they’re explosive. She doesn’t need to witness that.

  ‘It’s okay,’ I say as I hold her tightly and try my best to console her while she cries into my chest.

  ‘Phia and Sissy fight.’

  ‘They’re just having a little argument.’ Little argument my arse, it’s a doozy. ‘It’ll be okay,’ I say reassuringly as I place a soft kiss on her hair. And it will be. This is not their first argument, and it certainly won’t be their last. They never last long. I’ve witnessed many fights between these two over the years. They’re usually in tears and hugging each other within minutes.

  ‘Sissy mad. Sissy hate my dress.’

  I gathered that much from what I heard, but I don’t think it’s the dress she doesn’t like, more the reasons behind it. I guess Candice is scared Sophia is going to push Maddie into the life she had growing up.

  ‘Fuck this, and fuck you,’ Candice screams as she comes storming out of the kitchen and into the hallway where I’m standing. She flings the dress and it goes flying through the air.

  ‘My sparkly!’ Maddie cries as she wiggles in my arms for me to put her down. When I do, she runs over to her dress and picks it up.

  ‘Candice,’ Sophia calls out. But Candice slams the front door as she leaves.

  This is worse than I thought. Sophia rushes over to Maddie, crouching down to fold her into her arms.

  I stand there stunned for a few seconds, before going after Candice. I still don’t get why she’s so upset over a crown and a fucking dress. I know she hates what she went through as a child, but that doesn’t mean Maddie is going to feel the same.

  ‘Candice, wait!’ I yell as I see her crossing the front lawn, heading for the street. Where the hell does she think she’s going? ‘Candice!’ When she doesn’t stop, I break into a jog to catch up.

  ‘Will you just stop,’ I say, reaching for her arm and halting her.

  ‘Let me go.’

  ‘No.’ I put my arm around her waist and pull her to me. She struggles to get free of my grip briefly, but I’m too strong for her. She exhales a defeated breath, and my heart breaks when she covers her face and starts to sob. I’ve never seen her this upset before. ‘Come here,’ I say, turning her in my arms and crushing her to my chest. ‘It’s just a dress.’

  ‘It’s more than the damn dress, Jax. You don’t understand.’

  ‘I think I do. You don’t want your sister to go through what you went through.’

  ‘Huh. Sister,’ she says sarcastically.

  Pulling back, I cup her face in my hands. ‘This isn’t about Maddie,
then?’

  ‘Of course it is. She promised me when Maddison was born she wouldn’t do this.’

  ‘I get that. I totally do,’ I say as I wipe the tears from her eyes with my thumbs. ‘But it’s just one pageant. She seemed so excited about it.’

  ‘That’s because she’s too young to even realise what’s involved. Those pageants are vicious—psycho mothers and their equally bitchy daughters. I don’t want that for her, Jax.’

  ‘I love that you’re trying to protect her, but she’s not your daughter, Candice. You can’t tell Sophia how to raise her.’ Her passion for wanting to protect her little sister is admirable, but I really think she’s overreacting here. And although my words are meant to comfort her, I can see that they’re not helping.

  ‘This is all your fault,’ she says, pushing on my chest.

  ‘What? How the fuck is this my fault?’

  ‘Because if you didn’t leave, none of this would be happening right now.’

  ‘Why does me leaving have anything to do with Maddie entering a pageant?’

  ‘Because she’s my fucking daughter, Jax,’ she screams, pushing on my chest again. The moment the words are out of her mouth, all the colour drains from her face. ‘She’s my daughter,’ she repeats, in a whisper.

  I must’ve heard her wrong. How could that be? When her words finally register, I drop my arms by my side and take a step backwards. ‘What? Maddie’s yours?’

  Tears flood her eyes as her hands cover her mouth.

  ‘Answer me, damn it.’

  ‘She’s not just mine, Jax, she’s ours,’ she says, bowing her head. ‘If you hadn’t left me …’

  ‘Ours?’ I take a second to let her words settle in. ‘What? Fucking what?’ I try to digest her words. She’s lost her mind, I’m sure of it. I clutch my head as I try to make sense of what she just said. Maddie can’t be mine. How?

  The air is silent between us as I stand there and wait for her reply. My heart is beating furiously against my ribcage. She’s having me on, she has to be.

  A few seconds later she raises her head and makes eye contact with me. Before the words are even out of her mouth, the devastation on her face tells me everything I need to know.

  ‘I’m sorry, Jax.’

  ‘For what?’ I need to hear her say it.

  ‘For not telling you.’

  ‘For not telling me what?’ I scream as I reach out and shake her. My heart rate spikes to a dangerous level and I swear I’m gonna have a fucking heart attack. She better not say what I think she’s going to say, or I’ll lose my shit.

  ‘Maddie is our daughter.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘The night we had sex … I fell pregnant.’

  I stand there unmoving for the longest time. Please tell me she’s kidding. Please tell me that the person I love, the one I trust more than anything hasn’t deceived me like this. Not my Candice.

  ‘Is this some sick joke?’

  ‘It’s not a joke, Jax. It’s true.’ She covers her face with her hands and starts to sob again. ‘It’s true. She’s our little girl.’

  ‘Fuck.’ My head is spinning as I start to pace. How could she do something like this to me?

  She reaches for my hand, but I snatch it away. I don’t want her touching me.

  ‘Please let me explain, Jax.’

  I swing around and face her. ‘Explain what, Candice? That I have a daughter who’s almost fucking three, and I’m only just finding out about her now? How the hell are you going to explain that?’

  A lump rises in my throat as the enormity of this situation sinks in. Maddison is my kid. Christ. For some strange reason, Brian’s words enter my mind: She has your eyes. Fuck, why didn’t I see that? I guess the idea never crossed my mind because I trusted Candice.

  Jesus Christ. I have a little girl. I don’t know whether to scream or cry.

  My brief elation quickly turns back to anger. I loved this girl, I trusted her with my life. And now she’s deceived me in the most unthinkable way. She not only lied to me, she robbed me of almost three years of my daughter’s life. How can I be okay with that?

  ‘I was eighteen. You left me.’

  Is that her lame excuse for doing what she did? She’s got to be kidding. Who is this monster standing before me? How could I be so wrong about a person?

  ‘I went away to university, Candice. I didn’t just up and leave for the fun of it. You knew I was going.’

  She pushes me again. ‘You fucked me and left! You snuck out in the middle of the night and didn’t even say goodbye!’

  Her tears continue to fall, but I feel no sympathy for her. She may see it that way, but that’s not how it was. Yes, at first I ran, but I was scared. I freaked out. It still doesn’t excuse her keeping this from me. I had a right to know.

  ‘Yes, I left, but that’s no excuse for keeping this from me.’

  ‘I messaged you when I first found out and you were a cock.’

  ‘Hold on a minute,’ I say. ‘You sent me a text to say I was a disappointment. At no time did you mention you were pregnant.’

  ‘Because you shut me down before I even got a chance.’

  ‘I messaged you the next day and said I was sorry, but you never replied. A few weeks later I wrote you a letter, but it came back unopened, with “return to sender” written on the envelope.’

  ‘What?’ she says as her brow furrows. ‘What letter? I never received a letter.’

  ‘I sent a letter to your old address in Canberra. I thought you were the one who’d sent it back.’

  ‘I never received it.’

  ‘I gather that now.’

  She pauses as she lets this news sink in, but the silence doesn’t last long. ‘Letter or no letter, you still left without a word.’

  ‘I had my reasons for leaving the way I did, Candice.’

  ‘And I had my reasons for not telling you about Maddie,’ she snaps. ‘You broke my heart, Jax. It took me years to get over what you did.’

  Her comment only infuriates me further. I doubt she could say anything to justify what she’s done.

  ‘So you kept this from me as some sick form of revenge? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?’

  ‘What? Of course not.’

  I have no more words to say to her in this moment. Not any nice ones, anyway. I’m confused, I’m shocked, I’m angry, but more than anything, I’m broken. Turning, I head towards the car.

  ‘Jax, wait! Please,’ Candice pleads.

  ‘Don’t touch me,’ I snap when she grabs hold of my arm.

  ‘Please.’

  I can hear the desperation in her voice, but for once I don’t care. Whatever she needs to say she should’ve said years ago.

  I slam the car door. I need space. I need to clear my head. I need to get a grip on the fact that I’m a father. Talk about an insta-fucking-family.

  Tears sting my eyes when I think of Maddie. I’m not the only one who’s been lied to. I’d love to march into that house, grab my little girl and take her with me, but I don’t want to frighten her by removing her from the only home she’s ever known.

  Jesus. I can’t quite fathom that I have a kid. A smile briefly tugs at my lips as I picture her sweet face. I’ve missed so much of her life already. I feel so robbed. I hate that Candice stripped me of my right to know my daughter and be involved in her life.

  Once I’ve turned the key in the ignition, I put the car into reverse and screech out of the driveway. I see Candice drop to her knees in my rear-view mirror. I take a moment to watch as her body shudders with sobs. As angry as I am, seeing her like that breaks my fucking heart in two.

  Slamming my foot to the floor, I take off down the street. My vision is blurry, but I’m not sure if they’re tears of pain or happiness. I just lost the most precious thing I’d ever had, but on the other hand, I gained something just as precious. A strangled sob bubbles up from the back of my throat as I let the tears fall freely.

  I still can’t believe it.
>
  Maddie is my little girl.

  ••••

  I drop the cigarette to the ground, stubbing it out with my foot. I bought a packet when I stopped off at the bottle shop on my way here. This is one of those stressful times that requires smokes and plenty of alcohol. I’ll take anything I can if it helps calm me the hell down.

  I knock on the door. ‘Who’s there?’ I hear Brian call from the other side.

  ‘It’s me, Jax.’ Don’t even ask me why I’m here, but I had nowhere else to go. I need someone to help me wrap my head around this clusterfuck.

  ‘Jax,’ he says when he opens the door. ‘Is everything okay?’

  As shitty as I’m feeling, I smile when I see he’s wearing the striped flannelette pyjamas Candice bought him. She picked up a heap of clothes in his size from the op shop, as well as buying new shoes, socks, underwear and a warm winter jacket. He looks like a different man from the one I first met. Candice gave him a haircut and his beard is now trimmed and tidy. Everywhere I look, all I see is pieces of her. She did well for a lying, deceitful bitch.

  ‘I’m sorry to disturb you,’ I say, looking down at my feet. I shouldn’t have come here. He has enough shit to deal with, without being burdened down with my drama. ‘I—’

  ‘Don’t be silly. Come in.’ He moves to the side so I can enter. ‘You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, son.’

  Am I that transparent?

  I feel bad when I see the covers on the bed turned back. ‘You were in bed. I should go.’

  ‘Sit down, young man,’ Brian says sternly. He points to the night-stand. The lamp is on and there’s a pair of reading glasses sitting on top of a newspaper. I notice the glass in one of the lenses is cracked and there’s tape keeping the arms attached. I make a mental note to get them fixed for him. ‘I wasn’t asleep; I was reading the paper your little lady left for me.’

  I usually like it when he refers to Candice as mine, but not tonight. Just the mention of her is like a sucker punch to the chest. She’s not my little lady, she’s—I don’t know what she is anymore. She’s certainly not the person I thought she was. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this betrayal.