Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  The moment I try to speak, my voice cracks.

  ‘Sit down,’ Brian instructs, guiding me to the end of the bed. Once I’m seated, he takes the brown paper bag out of my hand and shuffles across the room to grab a glass. ‘By the looks of it, you need one of these.’ He hands me the glass after he pours a decent amount of amber liquid into it, before sitting beside me. ‘Drink, then talk,’ he adds, pointing at the glass.

  I down the Jack Daniels in one gulp. I welcome the burn as it slides down the back of my throat. Brian takes the glass out of my hand and refills it. I shake my head in disbelief after he passes the glass back to me. Candice’s revelation rocked me to the core and still hasn’t sunk in. Why couldn’t I see it? How did I not know Maddie was my daughter?

  ‘I found something out tonight,’ I say as I turn to Brian. ‘Remember how you said that Candice’s sister had my eyes?’

  ‘Yes.’ He nods. A few seconds later his eyes widen, and I can tell he understands what I’m trying to say. ‘She’s your daughter?’

  ‘Yes. Three years—how could she keep this from me for three fucking years?’

  ‘So you and Candice’s mother—’

  ‘What? Hell, no. Candice and me.’ Christ, how could he think I’d hook up with Sophia? That’s all kinds of wrong. ‘Apparently Maddie’s her daughter—our daughter. We were only together once … years ago.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Yes, oh. I raise the glass to my lips. I want to feel numb. This time the booze doesn’t even touch the sides. I doubt if the entire bottle will lessen the dull ache in my chest.

  ‘Did she explain why she kept this from you?’

  ‘She tried, but I didn’t stick around to find out.’

  ‘That wasn’t a very smart move. I’m not condoning what she did for a second, but she’s a good kid. I’m sure there must’ve been a good reason.’

  I hold the glass out to him. When he refills it, I tilt my head back and raise the glass to my mouth. I drink the whiskey down, but it doesn’t help. I can still feel the deceit, right down to my very core.

  Brian takes the glass from me when I hold it out to him. I need more.

  ‘I trusted her. I fucking trusted her,’ I say as I cover my face with my hands. Devastation consumes me. I will my tears back, but it’s no use; I’m powerless to stop them. I haven’t cried like this since I was a kid. All the shit my family has put me through over the years doesn’t even come close to how I feel in this moment. Candice is the one person I believed would never screw me over.

  How could she do this to me?

  I’m taken aback when Brian reaches for me, pulling me into his chest. My parents never held me like this. Never.

  ‘Life has a funny way of working itself out, son,’ he says as he holds me while I cry.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say, when I eventually pull away and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

  ‘Don’t apologise. I’m glad you came to me. It reminds me of the time my son had his heart broken for the first time. I held him, just like I held you.’

  ‘You have a son?’

  ‘I do. His name is James.’

  ‘And he knows you live on the streets?’

  ‘Heavens no. He has no idea. He’s always been a workaholic. When his mother was alive, she was worried he’d never settle down. Thankfully, he met his wife, Alana, a few months before May passed away. It gave her some hope. James and Alana married a week after she died. They pushed the date forward, but she didn’t make it. It would’ve made her so happy …’ He stops. I can see the pain is still raw, even after all this time. ‘They have a young family now. I’d never want to burden him with my problems. My grandson, Aiden, would be almost one. Hopefully I’ll get to meet him one day.’

  ‘Hasn’t your son looked for you? Doesn’t he wonder where you are?’

  ‘I have a phone card. When I can afford to put some money on it, I call him. I always tell him I’m doing fine, and he has no reason to doubt what I say. He was transferred to Perth years ago, which makes it a lot easier to hide my predicament. He’s busy with work and his family, and hasn’t been back to Sydney since the funeral. He’s high up in the advertising industry, you know. His job is very demanding. I’m extremely proud of him.’

  ‘Wow.’ I sit there in stunned silence. I wonder how Brian’s son would feel if he knew his father was living on the streets. I can’t stand my parents, but I wouldn’t like to see them in his position.

  He stands and walks over to the shelf to grab another glass. ‘It’s been years since I’ve had a drink, but I think I might join you, if that’s okay.’

  ‘I’d like that,’ I say. I really admire this old dude. He’s a good man. Completely selfless.

  ••••

  My head is pounding when I wake the next morning. I remember stumbling home at some ungodly hour. Brian and I ended up polishing off the rest of the bottle. Well, I drank most of it—he’s not much of a drinker. But spending time with him helped. He’s a wise man and gave me some good advice.

  I head for the bathroom. Brian made me promise I’d hear Candice out. I’m not sure if she can say anything that will justify her actions, but I at least have to give her a chance to explain.

  Once I’m showered and dressed, I pour myself a strong black coffee—I don’t think I could stomach any food. I reach for my phone, which is sitting on the kitchen bench. I didn’t take it with me to Brian’s; I already had two missed calls and a text message from Candice before I left and I was in no mood to talk to her.

  Turning it on, I’m not surprised to see she kept trying to contact me throughout the night. There’s fifteen missed calls and twelve texts.

  8.05 pm – I’m sorry.

  8.23 pm – Please pick up the phone.

  8.59 pm – Please, Jax. I’m begging you. Answer the phone.

  9.17 pm – Please call me. At least give me the chance to explain.

  9.38 pm – I had my reasons for not telling you. I’m sure you’ll understand if you just hear me out.

  9.51 pm – I can’t believe you’re doing this to me again. Why do you always walk away from me when I need you the most?

  10.02 pm – This wasn’t an easy decision for me to make. Do you even realise how hard this has been for me?

  10.46 pm – I don’t want to lose you over this. Please call me, text me … anything.

  11.09 pm – The silence is making me crazy. Please contact me. I need to know we’re okay.

  11.46 pm – I can’t believe you’re ignoring me. Why do you always run from me? Thanks a lot arsehole.

  I stop reading after that. I’m an arsehole? Fuck her. She should’ve thought about all this before she deceived me. Was she ever going to tell me? Maddie’s been in my life for almost a year now. I feel a hollow ache inside me when I think about everything I missed: her birth, her first words, her first steps. I’ve been alone for so long, but I had a daughter. Family. I would’ve been there, for her and for Candice.

  I should’ve made more of an effort to reach out to Candice after I left. Maybe if I had we wouldn’t be in this position now.

  Rising from the stool, I walk around the breakfast bar and open the top drawer, pulling out an envelope. It’s the letter I sent her. I’ve held onto it all these years. I can’t even say why, but I’m glad I did. At least I have proof that I did try to contact her.

  I tuck the letter into the back pocket of my jeans. To Candice it may appear that I fucked her and walked away, but in my heart I know better. It was never about the sex. She meant the world to me, and as hurt as I am right now, she still does.

  After rinsing my mug in the sink, I grab my car keys off the bench and head for the front door. I can’t put this off any longer. I need to see Candice and my daughter. I want answers—no, correction: I need answers. I need something to help me understand because for the life of me, I can’t wrap my head around any of this.

  It’s only just after eight when I pull up outside Candice’s house. I doubt she’ll turn up for wo
rk this morning, and I can’t let this wait until the end of the day. I’ll go crazy if I do.

  I rub my hands down the front of my jeans before knocking on the door. It’s early, but I know someone will be up. Well, I hope they are. A few seconds later, the front door flies open. Sophia is standing there in her pyjamas, and she’s as white as a ghost.

  ‘Jax. Thank God. I was just about to call you. Are Candice and Maddie with you?’

  ‘What? No. Why?’

  My adrenaline picks up when her hands cover her mouth. ‘Because she’s not here. Neither of them are. Oh God—she’s gone.’

  ‘Is this some kind of sick joke?’

  ‘Do you really think I’d joke about something like this?’

  When I see the tears appear in her eyes, I know she’s not.

  Pushing my way past her, I enter the house. ‘Which room is theirs?’

  ‘Candice’s room is the first door on the right at the top of the stairs. Maddison’s room is next door.’

  I bound up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

  ‘I’ve already checked their rooms, Jax. They’re not in there,’ Sophia calls out to my retreating back. I continue anyway. I need to see for myself.

  When I enter Candice’s bedroom, it looks much the same as her room in Canberra. With one noticeable difference: there are no trophies or beauty pageant sashes in sight. She must’ve left them packed away when they moved. It wasn’t who she was anyway. She hated that part of her life, hence her meltdown with Sophia last night.

  My heart drops into the pit of my stomach when I open her wardrobe to find her clothes gone. I find the exact same thing when I run into Maddie’s room. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I call her number, but it goes straight to voicemail.

  My shoulders slump. She’s gone, and she’s taken my little girl with her.

  ‘She’s gone … both my babies are gone,’ I hear Sophia cry from behind me.

  No kidding, Sherlock. When I swing around to face her I notice the letter in her hand.

  ‘I just found this on the kitchen table.’

  Jesus. I clutch my head in my hands, as devastation rips through me yet again.

  JAX

  Six months later …

  I’M SITTING ON THE END OF BRIAN’S BED WHEN HE UNLOCKS the garage door. ‘Jax,’ he says, stunned, as he pauses in the doorway. Maybe I should’ve waited for him outside, but it’s cold tonight, I would’ve frozen my damn nuts off.

  ‘Sorry, Brian. I didn’t mean to startle you.’

  He removes the scarf, gloves and beanie I bought him last week, neatly placing them on the chair in the corner then comes to a stop in front of the heater. I turned it on to warm the place up when I arrived.

  ‘No need to apologise, son. This is your place. I wasn’t expecting you to be here, that’s all.’ The deep wrinkles around his eyes are more prominent when he smiles.

  ‘I just wanted to speak with you before I head home.’

  ‘Any news on your girls?’ he asks, his face lighting up with hope. I sigh. I have news, but not the kind he’s referring to. ‘Nothing yet. The private eye is still searching.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that, son.’

  They say the truth will set you free, but in my case it didn’t set me free at all—it fucking destroyed me, ripped my damn heart out and smashed it to smithereens. It’s been six months and Candice still hasn’t returned with my daughter. She withdrew a large amount of cash out of the bank, the day after she disappeared. Sophia opened up an account for her when she was a baby, making regular deposits with some of the money her father’s been sending. It’s apparently enough to keep her hidden for a few years, if that’s what she chooses. Because she’s using cash, it’s almost impossible to find them, but I refuse to give up. If she thinks I’m gonna stop searching, then she’s kidding herself. I won’t rest until they’re both home where they belong.

  Any hope I held of sorting this mess out when Candice first left is dwindling rapidly. And the fact that she hasn’t contacted Sophia makes my worries intensify. Candice and Sophia apparently had a huge argument when she went back inside after finally telling me the truth about Maddie. I’m sure that’s part of the reason she fled and why Sophia fell into a deep depression.

  When Brian places his hand on my shoulder, I give him a weak smile. I’ve really become attached to him over these difficult months. I don’t know where I’d be without him. His friendship, fatherly talks, wise words, and at times stern lectures, have stopped me from going off the rails a number of times since Candice left. Carter and I have become close as well, but unlike Brian, he has no idea that Candice has run off with my little girl. He thinks she’s on an extended holiday or some shit.

  ‘So what brings you here?’

  ‘I have a few things I need you to do for me tomorrow.’

  ‘Anything for you. I’m happy to help.’

  I’m pleased he said that. I pull an envelope out of my back pocket and watch as he opens it, revealing the cash inside. When he looks up at me, there’s a puzzled expression on his face. I bet it’s been a while since he’s seen so much money.

  ‘What would you like me to do with this?’

  ‘Buy yourself a nice suit, and get a haircut. A proper one.’

  ‘I can’t take your money, Jax.’ He tries to pass the envelope back.

  ‘It’s not my money. It’s yours. I’ve been putting all the coins you’ve been leaving into a moneybox.’ It’s surprising how fast it’s added up. In just over a year, that small change has amounted to almost one and a half grand.

  ‘That money was for you. I know it wasn’t much, but it was my way of trying to repay you for all the kindness you’ve shown me.’

  ‘I never had any intentions of keeping that money, Brian. I was always going to give it back to you one day, and that day has arrived.’

  ‘Why now? Do you want me to leave?’

  ‘What? Hell, no. I have something planned for tomorrow night, but I’ll need you to smarten yourself up a bit.’ I quickly raise my hand when I realise what I’ve just said may have sounded offensive. ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with the way you dress, but once you find out what I have planned, you’ll be thankful I asked you to do this.’

  ‘Are you going to tell me what it is?’ He’s sceptical, but he has no need to be.

  ‘Do you trust me?’

  ‘Implicitly,’ he replies quickly.

  I appreciate that, because believe it or not, I trust this man with my life. He and Carter are all I have left. I still see Sophia occasionally, but not as much as I used to. I already had enough shit of my own to deal with, but I couldn’t turn a blind eye to Sophia’s illness. She’s been more of a mother figure to me over the years than my own mother ever was. Thankfully, she’s coming along fine now, leaving the depression behind and trying to get used to life without Candice and Maddison. For the time being anyway. We both hold out hope that they’ll return one day.

  ‘I’d rather surprise you, if that’s okay.’ I’ve been busting my arse all week to get this organised for him and I’m really looking forward to seeing the outcome. After the hell I’ve been through, I could really use this to pick me up.

  ‘Should I be worried?’

  ‘Not at all.’ I rub my hands together to warm them. ‘It’s a good surprise.’ Well, I hope he sees it that way. He’s a good man, and he deserves great things. He shouldn’t be punished for the rest of his life for trying to save his wife. ‘Buy the suit, get a haircut, and meet me here tomorrow afternoon at four. Don’t be late.’

  He hesitates before replying. ‘Okay.’

  ••••

  ‘Hey man,’ I say, answering the call when I see Carter’s name on the screen. I miss having him around. He’s like the brother I always wished for. He’s nothing like the cocksucker I’ve got.

  ‘Hey, fucker. Are you still coming up on the weekend?’ Carter moved to Newcastle a few months ago. It’s a two-hour drive from Sydney, and a beautiful place, with
a picturesque coast line and amazing beaches. If I didn’t love Newtown so much, I’d probably join him. He’s living the charmed life.

  I was sad to see him go, but on the other hand, I’m happy to see him flourishing. The messed-up, broody kid who came to work here is no more. He has his own studio now, and seems content. I can’t ask for more than that. He deserves happiness … we all do.

  ‘Wouldn’t miss it.’ Visiting Carter is the highlight of my week, a break from the misery and constant worry that has become my life. A chance to let loose, unwind and forget for a little while. I just wish I knew my girls were okay, and more importantly, safe. It would ease my mind somewhat.

  ‘Make sure you bring lots of coins, because I’m gonna wipe the table with you,’ he says. We never play for big money, and I usually always win. I enjoy his company more than the card night anyway. I think he enjoys mine as well. We’re alike in so many ways. We have similar interests, and he’s a loner just like me. I never hear any mention of his family.

  ‘Is that so?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Keep dreaming.’

  ‘There’s a new nightclub opening Friday night. Maybe we can check it out while you’re here? There’s bound to be some hot arse, just ripe for the picking.’

  Carter lives the life I once lived, moving from one hot chick to the next. I haven’t been with anyone else since Candice left. If I can’t trust her, what hope have I got with anyone else? ‘Sure, sounds great,’ I say.

  ••••

  ‘You got everything?’ I ask Brian when he enters the shop.

  ‘Suit,’ he says, holding up a bag. ‘It came with a free shirt and tie, and I have new shoes.’ He smiles when he holds up the bag in his other hand.

  ‘We’re all set then. I’m liking the haircut, it suits you.’ His longish grey hair is now a neat short back and sides. He looks like a different person already.

  ‘Thank you. It’s been years since I’ve had a proper haircut.’

  ‘Let’s get going then.’

  ‘Can you tell me what this is all about?’ he asks. He has no reason to be concerned. His life is about to change, but in a good way.