Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  I don’t let go until her tears finally stop. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispers, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand before plucking another tissue out of the box and blowing her nose.

  ‘This has been hard on all of us,’ I say, taking a seat at the table.

  ‘Thank you for coming over … and for bringing Maddie back.’

  ‘Of course I’d bring her back. I’m not a monster. She loves you, and I’d never take that away from her.’

  ‘Like I took her away from you?’ Candice’s shoulders slump and I can see she regrets what she’s done. She should—her actions almost broke me.

  ‘We need to sort this out, Candice, find some kind of common ground. We can’t be fighting all the time. We have Maddie to consider now.’

  ‘We do,’ she says, giving me a half-hearted smile. She takes a seat beside me.

  ‘Can you start by telling me why? Why did you keep the pregnancy from me?’

  She shrugs. ‘I wanted to tell you from the very beginning.’

  ‘Then why didn’t you?’

  ‘The day I sent you that text message was the same day I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock, frightened and totally devastated. You were the first person I contacted. I hadn’t even told Sophia. It’s not something I expected, Jax, or even wanted. I was only eighteen. You were the first, and only, person I’d ever slept with.’

  ‘I knew I should’ve fucking wrapped it,’ I mumble under my breath, as I shake my head.

  ‘Well, you didn’t. There’s no point dwelling on that now. What’s done is done. I wouldn’t give Maddie back for anything.’

  ‘I wouldn’t either.’ She’s the only good thing to come out of this mess. ‘I still wish you’d told me. Why didn’t you tell me?’ I’m trying not to get angry at her, but I need to know.

  ‘It had been over a month since I’d heard from you. It was really hard for me to reach out to you by then. You’d slept with me and done a runner in the middle of the night, so the last thing I wanted to do was chase after you like some pathetic loser. Your reply to my text was hurtful, Jax. So unlike the person I thought I knew, and definitely not the response I’d hoped for.’

  ‘Your message wasn’t what I’d hoped for either. I was so happy to see your name on the screen. You have no idea how much I needed to hear from you that day. And then you said I was a disappointment. All my life I’ve been called a disappointment.’

  ‘I was disappointed. I thought our friendship meant more to you than that.’

  ‘Well, it’s what I do best. I disappoint people.’ I pause, giving myself a moment to calm down. Losing my shit is not going to help. ‘Regardless of my reply, there was no mention of a kid.’

  ‘After the way you replied, I wasn’t sure if you’d even want to know.’

  ‘Of course I would’ve wanted to know—she’s my fucking kid. I had a right to know, Candice.’

  ‘A part of me hated you for treating me as if I was nothing. You used me.’

  ‘I never used you. That night meant everything to me.’ I reach across the table and place my hand on top of hers. ‘It meant everything. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.’

  ‘It meant everything to me too,’ she whispers, but she can’t meet my eyes. ‘I was eighteen, Jax. Pregnant … alone. Sophia freaked when I told her. Fuck, did she freak. I guess it was a given after everything she went through with me. It was history repeating itself. She never wanted me to end up like her, young, single and pregnant.’

  ‘I can understand that. But, it still doesn’t explain why you never told me.’

  ‘There were so many reasons, Jax.’

  ‘Like?’

  ‘It wasn’t one thing. It was a combination of things.’

  ‘For fuck’s sake, Candice.’ I feel like I’m banging my head against a fucking wall here. I need answers.

  ‘You leaving, your lack of contact, your reaction to my messages, your potential career in politics, my age, Sophia … the list is endless. You always said you never wanted to have kids, Jax. That you never wanted to settle down, or commit to anyone. When Sophia first mentioned that she should bring the baby up as her own, I thought it was preposterous. The baby was a part of me—of us. It was all I had left of you.’ Her eyes finally move back to me. ‘I didn’t make the decision on a whim, Jax. I took everything into consideration. That’s when we made the choice to move away. I chose Sydney because I knew that’s where you were. I still hoped … you know … that we’d somehow magically reconnect and live happily ever after. I was young. Delusional.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I feel like such a bastard. I should’ve made more of an effort. In my heart I already knew our friendship would never be the same; once we crossed that line everything changed. But that’s no excuse for the way I treated her. ‘I still wish you’d told me.’

  ‘So many times I picked up the phone to call you. My heart was hurting. I felt like I was walking around with a thousand bricks crushing my chest. I was fragile, and unsure if I was even capable of taking another blow from you. Try to understand things from my point of view. You were never the commitment type. At school you moved from one girl to the next. After you left, I heard nothing from you, so I naturally thought that you were doing the same thing to me, moving on to your next good time. You left me feeling like I was just another notch on your belt. The further the pregnancy went on, the more I lost hope. In the end, I decided to take Sophia up on her offer. I was in a dark place, and I knew she could give Maddie the stability she needed.’

  ‘What about when you came back into my life? Why didn’t you speak up then? You had me spending time with her. Fuck, I even looked after her. How could you not tell me?’ My voice cracks. I’m not even sure what I expect her to say. There are no magical words that will make this ache in my chest go away. Nothing she can say is going to fix this.

  ‘There were so many times I wanted to tell you … so many times. It was eating away at me. Especially when I saw how good you were with her. But by then it was too late. There was no point in telling you. Maddie was happy, and I didn’t want to disrupt her life. You were happy too. Your business was going well, and you seemed content. It killed me to know she was yours and I couldn’t say anything, but then you’d say or do something that seemed to confirm I’d made the right decision. Having you spend time with her was my way of giving you something … giving you both something. She’d never taken to anyone the way she did to you. You bonded right from the beginning. It was like you both somehow knew you belonged together.’ Pausing, she covers her face with her hands. ‘I thought I was doing the right thing for all of us.’ The moment she starts to cry again, I reach for her. ‘I’m so sorry, Jax.’

  I don’t know what to say to that. I understand why she felt the way she did, but that’s not how it was, not in my eyes. Candice was my life. I was in love with her. I would’ve been there if I’d known. I’m still angry. She should’ve told me.

  Letting her go, I lean back in my chair and exhale. What’s done is done, I suppose. As much as I hate it, we can’t change the past. But one thing’s for sure, we can’t go back to the way things were. Even if her reasons hold merit, my trust in her is gone. All I can do now is move forward the best way I can. I have no choice.

  ‘Where did you go? Why did you stay away for so long?’

  ‘Mudgee.’

  ‘Mudgee? That’s in the middle of fucking nowhere.’

  ‘It’s only four hours away.’ She lets out a small laugh. ‘It’s actually a really beautiful place.’

  ‘Why Mudgee?’ She doesn’t really need to answer that. She probably thought that would be the last place we’d look for her, and she was right.

  ‘When I first left we stayed in a motel for a few nights.’

  I watch the tissue she’s twisting around in her fingers as she talks.

  ‘I was never going to go for so long, but I knew I wasn’t ready to come home yet. My head was all over the place. So, I just got in the car and drove and drove. That�
�s where we ended up. We stopped in the town to get something to eat, and I saw an advertisement in the window for a small cabin for rent. After lunch I went out to the property to take a look, and it was beautiful. So picturesque. I fell in love with it. I knew it was just what I needed to get my head in the right space. The cabin had 360-degree views of the countryside. The old couple who owned it, Mr and Mrs Lynch, were so lovely. They adored having Maddie around. Their homestead was on the same property as the cabin, but still far enough away to give us privacy. It didn’t seem to stop them from looking out for us. They even invited us over for dinner occasionally.’

  As much as I hated them being gone, I’m glad they were looked after. That’s what weighed on my mind the most, not knowing if they were safe. She should have at least let us know they were okay. A simple call or text. Was that too much to ask? I think Sophia and I would’ve suffered a lot less if Candice had at least done that.

  My chest aches, and my head hurts. I’m still struggling to wrap my head around this bullshit. Only a few short months ago everything was perfect. I was happy. Deliriously happy. I had the woman of my dreams by my side. I thought I was set.

  At least they’re home now. I may have lost my lover, my best friend, but I have the rest of my life with my little girl to look forward to.

  You’ve gotta take the positives where you can.

  JAX

  ‘HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?’ I ASK MADDIE, HOLDING UP A FRILLY white quilt cover set. We’ve been in this damn shop for almost an hour, but every suggestion I make gets squashed immediately.

  ‘No. Pink one,’ she snaps, crossing her arms in defiance.

  ‘Fine. Pink it is,’ I reply with a sigh. I already know she’s not going to give in until she gets her way. She’s her mother’s daughter, that’s for sure. Stubborn as all hell. Pink bed, pink dresser, pink linen and pink fucking curtains. I don’t want all this pink shit in my house. She’s lucky I love her.

  It was after midnight when I left Candice’s place after we talked. We agreed that we’d share custody of Maddie. I’ll be having Maddie every second weekend, and on Tuesdays. My day off. The rest of the time she’ll be living at Sophia’s with Candice. Technically my weekend will start next week, but Candice let me have Maddie this morning so I’d have time to set everything up for her.

  I’m going to see if Gus will help me move my gym equipment out of my spare room and into the empty garage behind the shop, now that Brian’s moved out. If Maddie is going to be staying with me regularly, she’ll need her own room. I want her to be comfortable while she’s with me.

  Things between Candice and me are still strained to say the least. She has promised me she won’t run again, and I think she means it. Well, I hope she does. Her word means nothing to me now. Although I’m confident we’ll be able to keep things civil for our daughter’s sake. Even though Maddie seems to be taking it in her stride, this is a big adjustment for her. Six months ago, she thought Sophia was her mother. Thankfully she’s young, so she can’t really grasp the whole concept.

  Taking the pink quilt cover off the shelf, I put it in the shopping trolley. Maddie follows me down the next aisle where the fitted sheet sets are. I don’t even bother asking her what colour, I know it’s going to be fucking pink.

  Moving further along, I reach for one of the quilts that are stacked along the back wall.

  ‘Pink, Daddy.’

  ‘They only come in white. Once you put the cover on it, it’ll be pink.’

  ‘’Kay,’ she replies, smiling. She may be stubborn like her mother, but thankfully she’s also easygoing like me.

  ‘The pillows only come in white too, but we have a pink pillow case.’

  ‘I wuv pink.’

  ‘Don’t I know it.’

  Once I’ve paid, I pack everything into Candice’s car. I don’t have a booster seat yet, so I had to borrow her car.

  ‘Wanna get an ice cream before I take you home?’

  ‘Ice cream!’ She claps her hands.

  ‘What flavour do you want?’ I ask, lifting her into my arms before we cross the road. She better not say pink. I’m all pinked out.

  ‘Nella and spinkles.’

  ‘Vanilla? With sprinkles?’

  ‘Yes, nella and spinkles.’

  I smile. Vanilla is my favourite too. Another thing we have in common.

  ••••

  Friday afternoon rolls around fast. With my long days at work, and the nights filled getting Maddie’s room ready, you’d think I’d be worn out, but I’m not. I’m excited about spending my first weekend with her. She’s gonna love her new bedroom. I’ve worked my damn arse off trying to get it perfect, so she’d better. It’s very fucking pink, but I’m actually impressed by how great it looks. For a pink room that is.

  I gave the walls a fresh coat of white paint, but added some pink to the architraves and cornices. I’m no interior designer, but with the pink furniture, even I knew it needed a neutral colour to break it up. The quilt cover Maddie chose is covered in pink and white butterflies, so I went with the butterfly theme for the entire room. I found some butterfly transfers online, which I’ve put on the wall behind her bed. I bought a pink shagpile rug, the same colour as the curtains, to cover the polished floorboards. Even the pink bedside lamp has tiny butterflies cut out of the shade, so when lit up, it projects butterflies around the room. It’s pretty impressive if you ask me.

  I left work a little earlier than usual so I could grab some of Maddie’s favourite foods from the supermarket. Candice is going to drop her off after dinner. I bought a booster seat for my car during the week, so I can take her out. I have a fun-filled weekend planned for my little girl.

  It’s just after six when they arrive. ‘Daddy!’ Maddie squeals when I open the front door. She looks so sweet, wearing a fluffy pink robe over the top of her pyjamas, and pink slippers. Just what this house needs, more fucking pink. I chuckle when she launches herself at me.

  ‘Hi,’ I say to Candice, as I scoop Maddie into my arms. I inhale her sweet baby-powder scent, and plant a soft kiss on her hair.

  ‘Hi.’ Candice gives me an uncertain smile. I hate that things are so tense between us. We’ll never get back to what we were, but hopefully in time we’ll find some normality again.

  ‘Come in,’ I say, taking Maddie’s small pink suitcase out of Candice’s hand. I probably shouldn’t invite her in, but if we’re going to make this arrangement work I need to force myself to be normal with her.

  ‘Thanks.’

  As I follow her down the hallway, I try my hardest not to check out her arse, but my eyes betray me. Why does she have to be so goddamn beautiful?

  ‘Do you wanna see your new bedroom?’ I ask Maddie.

  ‘My pink bed come?’

  ‘Yes, your pink bed came.’

  ‘Can I see her room too?’ Candice asks.

  ‘Sure. I’ve set her up in my spare room.’ When Maddie squirms in my arms, I put her on the floor. Candice comes to a stop a few feet from the doorway, but Maddie runs straight past her. ‘Close your eyes,’ I say, reaching for the doorhandle.

  ‘’Kay.’

  ‘Are they closed?’

  She nods, placing her hands over her eyes.

  I open the door slightly, sliding my hand inside to turn on the light.

  ‘Are you ready?’

  ‘Yes.’ Her tiny body bobs up and down with excitement. I can’t help but smile as she waits for me to fully open the door. My gaze moves briefly to Candice, and I find her smiling too, but she’s not looking down at Maddie—her eyes are firmly fixed on me.

  I quickly look away as that familiar ache settles in my chest. Again I’m reminded of everything I’ve lost. Things could’ve been so different if she hadn’t deceived me for so long. Trying to push those thoughts out of my mind, I fling open the door. I worked hard putting this together for Maddie, so I want to enjoy her reaction.

  ‘Here’s your new room, Peanut.’

  ‘My room!’ Maddie squeals,
running over to her bed. It takes her a few seconds to climb up, but when she does, she grabs the butterfly-shaped pillow I bought her. ‘Butfry.’

  ‘I hope you like butterflies?’

  ‘Wow. It’s beautiful, Jax,’ I hear Candice say from behind me.

  I glance at her over my shoulder. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘You did this all by yourself?’

  ‘I did.’

  Maddie giggles as she stands on the bed and starts to jump, but I’m drawn to Candice, who steps into the centre of the room. I hate that I’m still so captivated by her; I need to find a way to break this damn spell. It’s like some kind of voodoo shit. She’s not worthy of my heart anymore.

  ‘I’m pretty impressed with it, despite all the pink,’ I admit. The sweet sound of Candice’s laughter hits me straight in the chest. I tear my eyes from her and go to Maddie, lifting her off the bed. I need a distraction.

  ‘It’s a girl thing,’ Candice says.

  ‘What do you want to do tonight?’ I ask Maddie.

  ‘Dora.’

  I was expecting her to say that, so I’m prepared. ‘Would you like to watch a movie with Puppy in it?’ I bought The Peanuts Movie for her during the week. Charlie Brown runs rings around that Dora chick. I even bought a bag of microwave popcorn. Hope she likes popcorn. I hate that I don’t know all of my daughter’s likes and dislikes. A parent should know these things. That’s another thing Candice has robbed me of. I’m gonna make it my mission to find out every little thing about Maddie, even the insignificant things.

  ‘Puppy!’ she squeals, clapping her hands.

  I’m still holding her as I leave the room. I pause when I reach the doorway. Glancing back, I see Candice holding the framed picture I’ve placed on the bedside table. It’s an old picture of me and her, in happier times. Things might be strained between us now, but they weren’t always like that. I thought it would be nice for our daughter to have a photo of her parents together.

  A small smile tugs at Candice’s lips as she puts it down. When she turns to follow us out, I see tears glistening in her eyes. I’m so torn. Doesn’t she realise I’m hurting too? She was my fucking world.