Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  ‘I bet you couldn’t handle two at once.’

  ‘Actually, there were three of them,’ he says.

  ‘Fucking liar.’

  He bursts out laughing, because he knows as well as I do that he’s full of shit.

  After Carter cooked us some bacon and eggs for breakfast, we went back to bed. Carter has a one-bedroom apartment, right above his tattoo shop, and I stay on the pull-out sofa. He bought the building when he moved up here. Like me, he worked his arse off and saved every penny he could to put into his business. I’m so proud of how well he’s doing. Like me, he’s living his dream. It just proves, no matter where you come from, or what struggles you face in life, with hard work and determination, anything is possible.

  It’s around two pm by the time I finally leave. I love getting away for the weekend. It’s a nice escape.

  Well, it is while it lasts. Reality creeps back in as I head down the M1 towards home and my thoughts drift to my girls. When are we going to get some word from them? I’m not sure how much more I can take. With every day that passes, another little piece of me dies. Candice robbed me of my daughter’s early years, so it infuriates me that she’s doing it again. How did I not see this incredibly selfish side of her before now? If I find them, I’ll be bringing Maddie home, whether Candice likes it or not. She’s my daughter too.

  When I arrive back in Newtown, I stop off at the local grocer and pick up a few things before heading home. Maybe it’s time I sold up and moved, just like Carter did. He seems a lot happier where he is. As much as I love my place, there’re too many memories here.

  My mind is weighed down with all the usual bullshit when I pull up to the kerb outside my place. This is why I need my escape to Carter’s. I’d go fucking crazy if I didn’t.

  Grabbing the bags of groceries off the passenger seat, I get out of the car. ‘Jaaaax!’ I hear the moment I step onto the footpath. I know that voice. My head snaps in the direction it came from, and my pulse quickens when I see Maddie running down the path towards me. I’ve been wishing for this moment for so long now, please don’t let it be a mirage.

  The excitement I see on her face as she approaches hits me right in the chest. Dropping my groceries, I open my arms, scooping her up the second she’s within reaching distance. I’ve missed her.

  ‘Peanut,’ I whisper as I wrap my arms around her, squeezing her tight. I hold her for the longest time, breathing her in.

  ‘You my daddy?’ She leans her small body back to look at me.

  A lump rises in my throat when I hear her call me ‘Daddy’. It’s a word I never knew I wanted to hear. Candice has obviously told Maddie the truth, which I’m grateful for. She has a right to know who her parents are. Like me, she’s been deceived for far too long.

  I’ve missed her sweet little face so much. It’s only been six months, but I’m positive she’s grown. Even her hair looks longer. She may look like her mum, but I can see what Brian saw now. She does have my eyes.

  I love that she has my eyes.

  ‘Yes. I’m your daddy.’

  Her face lights up before her hands tightly encircle my neck. ‘Daddy!’ she squeals.

  I try to keep my emotions in check, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop the tears that rise to my eyes. My little girl is home.

  ‘I wuv you, Daddy.’

  The moment those words are out of her mouth I lose it and start to weep. I’m powerless to stop the tears that fall. All the anguish and uncertainty I’ve suffered over the past six months has finally come to a head, and all the feelings I’ve been bottling up rise to the surface. My heart sings with the knowledge that she loves me. Crushing her tiny body against mine, I hold her tight. I finally get to savour the wondrous sensation of being a parent. That’s if Candice doesn’t rob me of it again.

  ‘I love you too,’ I whisper. Before I even knew she was my daughter, Maddie had captured my heart. I finally have someone to love me just as much as I love them.

  Leaning back in my arms again, she frowns as she studies my face. ‘Don’t cry, Daddy.’

  ‘I’m okay,’ I say, smiling. ‘They’re happy tears. I’m just so glad to have you back. I’ve missed you.’

  ‘I miss you,’ she says and her sloppy lips meet mine.

  CANDICE

  I WIPE THE TEARS FROM MY EYES AS I WATCH MADDIE AND Jax reunite. It’s such a beautiful sight. I’m relieved that the secret is finally out, but it breaks my heart to know I won’t get the same reaction from him when he sees me. I can’t blame him, though. I should’ve brought her back sooner, but the longer I stayed away, the harder it was to return. I needed time to think, to clear my head and, more importantly, to heal. Plus, I was scared—scared he’d take my little girl away from me.

  My heart shattered when Jax walked away from me again that night, and then refused to take my calls. I hope in time he can forgive me for not telling him from the beginning. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I had no idea we were going to reconnect, or that he was going to walk away from politics. An illegitimate child could’ve ruined his career before it even started. That was one of the many things I considered before agreeing to let Sophia raise Maddie as her own. That was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. Maddie was my little girl, and the only part of Jax I had left. It almost killed me to step aside the way I did.

  I stand on the front porch and watch them, too scared to move. I can’t see Jax’s face from where I’m standing because it’s buried into the crook of Maddie’s neck, but I can tell he’s crying by the slight jerking movements of his body. It kills me to know I’ve hurt him like this. I want to run to him and wrap him in my arms, but I know he wouldn’t want that. If getting down on my knees to beg and plead for his forgiveness would help, I wouldn’t hesitate. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make this right.

  Minutes pass before he finally sets Maddie on her feet and wipes his eyes. He picks up the bags of groceries from the footpath before scooping her into his spare arm. The smile on his face as he looks at her warms my heart. He’s going to be an amazing father. I want that for her. I want her to have everything I didn’t.

  My heart rate accelerates as they approach me. I have no idea what kind of reception I’m going to get, but I already know he’s not going to welcome me back with open arms.

  It’s not until they’re a few feet away that his eyes finally move to me. He pauses briefly and exhales visibly, but his expression remains passive. As expected, he doesn’t appear to be happy to see me. I’m surprised by how much his lack of a reaction hurts. Instead of the anger I expected, all I see is pain. An awful lot of pain. I swallow hard, in an attempt to hold back my tears. I know firsthand how much his family have wounded him over the years, so I hate myself for doing the same.

  ‘Hi,’ I whisper.

  ‘Hi.’ He clears his throat as he walks straight past me. Putting Maddie on the ground, he fishes his keys out of his pocket. He scoops her into his arms again before walking inside. I half expect him to slam the door in my face, but he doesn’t. I’m not sure if I’m welcome in his home anymore, but I enter anyway. I have a lot to say to him, and I refuse to leave here until he hears me out. Whether he wants my side of the story or not, he’s going to get it.

  Jax takes Maddie into the lounge room and sits her on the sofa. I stand in the doorway while he turns on the television, changing the channel to Nick Jr. He doesn’t make eye contact as he passes me on his way to the kitchen. I’m not sure if he wants me to follow, but I do.

  I find him standing at the breakfast bar, his back is to me as he unpacks the groceries. I come to a stop just inside the door, shoving my hands nervously into the pockets of my jeans. I’m devastated by the way things have ended up between us. I miss him, his friendship, his kisses, his hugs—his everything. I’ve spent the past six months trying to let my feelings for him go, to no avail. I’m still in love with him.

  ‘Does Sophia know you’re back?’ he asks without turning around. There’s venom
in his voice.

  ‘Not yet. I came here first. I wanted to talk to you, and I thought you’d like to see Maddie.’

  ‘It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?’ he snaps as he spins around. ‘I wanted to see her six months ago, Candice. And every fucking day since. But yet again you stole that from me. Keeping my daughter from me for three years wasn’t enough for you? You had to add another six months just to punish me further?’ He raises his trembling hands, running them through his hair. ‘If I’d known she was mine, I would’ve wanted to be there from the very beginning. For her birth, for her first word, her first step—for everything. But you didn’t even give me a chance. I never picked you for such a selfish bitch. You really had me fooled.’

  His words sting, but I guess I deserve them. ‘It wasn’t like that, Jax,’ I say as I take a step towards him.

  ‘Don’t.’ He holds his hand up. ‘So you didn’t keep the truth from me for years, or disappear with her for six months?’

  ‘Yes.’ I sigh as I look at the floor. I can’t bear to see the hate in his eyes.

  ‘Exactly.’ He doesn’t say anything else as he snatches the carton of milk off the bench and walks to the fridge. ‘I’ll tell you this; you try to take her away from me again and you’ll be sorry.’

  ‘So you’re threatening me now?’

  ‘You better believe I am. I won’t let you rob me of one more day of my daughter’s life.’

  ‘I wouldn’t.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, really.’ I’ve never seen this side of him before. I don’t like it.

  ‘And you expect me to take your word for it? I trusted you once, Candice, I’m not stupid enough to do it a second time. I’ll be going to a solicitor. I want joint custody. If you don’t agree, I’ll fight you every step of the way.’

  ‘Jax.’ I bite my bottom lip when it starts to quiver. I don’t know what to say to make this better. When the tears fill my eyes, I look away. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper. ‘You don’t have to do that. You can see her whenever you like. I promise.’

  ‘Huh,’ he scoffs like he doesn’t believe me.

  Granted he’s angry, and he has every right to be, but his attitude is really pissing me off. ‘You don’t have to act like such an arsehole. I fucked up, I know that. You haven’t even given me a chance to explain.’

  He slams his fist on the benchtop, making me flinch. ‘I may have walked away from you, but do you blame me? You drop a fucking bombshell like that and expect me to take it in my stride? I was shocked, angry and completely fucking devastated that you’d deceived me.’

  ‘I—’

  ‘Let me finish. I needed some time to process the fact that I had a daughter I knew nothing about. That my best friend—the woman I loved—the person I trusted more than anyone, had been lying to me and deceiving me for years. Just put yourself in my shoes for a minute. In my heart, I wanted to believe that the Candice I knew would never do something so incredibly cruel without good reason. What a fool I was.’

  I know I deserve every hateful word that spews from his mouth, but it still hurts to hear them. He’s never treated me like this. ‘I’m so sorry, Jax.’ It’s a lame response, but I don’t know what else to say.

  ‘So am I,’ he says, disappointment lining his voice. ‘You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Candice … or so I thought.’

  JAX

  I feel like a prick when Candice buries her face in her hands and starts to sob, but as much as I want to, I refuse to comfort her. I’m incredibly hurt and angry. Those words have been festering inside me for six long months; they needed to be said. No matter what her reasons were, what she did to me was wrong. She needs to be held accountable for that.

  I stand there and watch her cry, arms folded across my chest like an uncompassionate prick. Everything in me wants to hold her, but I can’t bring myself to. Having her here brings all my feelings to the surface. I hate myself for still loving her when I should hate her for what she’s done.

  I try my hardest to soften my voice when I finally speak. ‘Why don’t you go home and talk with your mum? She was devastated when you left.’

  Wiping the tears from her face once more, her red-rimmed eyes meet mine. There’s no doubt she’s lost weight while she’s been gone. Her face is drawn, and there’re dark circles under her eyes. I’m guessing the past six months haven’t been easy for her either. She looks broken. Even after everything she’s done to me, it kills me to see her hurting.

  ‘You want me to leave? I’d like the chance to at least explain. Please, Jax.’

  ‘I have every intention of hearing you out,’ I say, even though I don’t hold any hope that it’ll make a difference. There’s nothing she can say that will make this right. Nothing. ‘I just want to spend some time with my daughter first.’

  ‘You’re keeping Maddie?’ What colour there is in her face drains away when she speaks.

  I’m not keeping her, but I’d like to spend some time with her. I’ve missed out on so much of her life already. ‘I think it’s only fair that I get to spend some quality time with my kid, since I haven’t seen her in six months.’

  ‘You’re gonna give her back though, right?’

  ‘Of course I’m going to give her back, but we’ll need to come to some arrangement. I want her in my life.’ As much as I want Maddie here with me, I could never take her away from her mother. I know how much she loves her.

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Go see Sophia, and I’ll drop her back later tonight. Maybe we can talk then.’

  ‘Sure. I’d like a chance to explain. Please know I didn’t do this to hurt you. I thought I was doing the right thing.’

  ‘Well, you did hurt me. You hurt me a lot.’

  ••••

  ‘Are you hungry?’ I ask Maddie as I take a seat beside her on the sofa. She’s watching a Dora the fucking Explorer marathon, but I don’t care. As much as I hate this damn cartoon, I’d sit here all night and watch it if it made my little girl happy.

  ‘Yes.’

  I smile when she climbs onto my lap, her eyes never once leaving the television. ‘Do you wanna go get something to eat then?’

  ‘’Kay,’ she says, snuggling into me and laying her head on my chest.

  I wrap my arms around her tiny waist and place a kiss on her hair. ‘What do you feel like?’

  ‘Ride rice,’ she says, looking up at me briefly.

  It’s funny how all the signs are as clear as day now. Her eyes, her left-handedness, even her tiny fingers and toes resemble mine. I love that. I guess I couldn’t see it before because I never would’ve believed that Candice could betray me like she has.

  ‘When this episode finishes, we’ll go get some fried rice.’

  ‘’Kay.’

  She’s such a good girl. I find myself smiling as she laughs, squeals and repeats the words Dora says in Spanish. This show is still painful, but I love how much she loves it. When it’s over, I grab the cardigan Candice left for her, sliding her little arms in.

  ‘Ta,’ she says when I finish buttoning up the front. I pick her up and kiss her cheek. I’m so happy she’s back.

  ‘You’re ready to go.’

  ‘Puppy?’ she says, extending her arms. I see him lying on the sofa.

  ‘Maybe we should leave Puppy here. We don’t want to lose him like we did last time.’

  ‘Puppy come. Puppy like ride rice.’

  When she pouts, I cave straightaway. I think I’m going to have a hard time denying her anything. ‘Okay. Puppy can come.’

  Maddie reaches for my hand on the way to the restaurant and it’s the best fucking feeling ever. It blows my mind that I’m a father, but I couldn’t have asked for a sweeter girl. I’m going to try my hardest to be the best damn father I can. Nothing like my fucked-up parents. My only regret is that my relationship with Candice is ruined. I don’t think it’s possible to get back what we had. Too much has happened.

  I groan when I realise I’m
singing the Dora the Explorer theme song in my head. That show is going to be the death of me.

  JAX

  ‘PHIA!’ MADDIE SQUEALS WHEN SOPHIA ANSWERS THE DOOR. I was hesitant in bringing her back—a few hours with her wasn’t nearly enough.

  ‘My baby!’ Sophia cries, taking Maddie out of my arms and crushing her small body against her own. ‘God, I’ve missed you … I’ve missed you so much.’

  Maddie giggles as Sophia peppers kisses all over her face. Witnessing their reunion brings a lump to my throat. That’s exactly how I felt a few hours ago. Although there’re tears streaming down her face, Sophia is smiling when her eyes move to me.

  ‘Our girls are home,’ she whispers. She moves Maddie to her hip and uses her free arm to pull me into a crushing hug. ‘I told you they’d come back.’

  She did, and I’m so glad she was right.

  ‘My daddy, Phia,’ Maddie says, pointing to me. It makes my smile widen. It’s a wonderful feeling to be needed, wanted, loved. I’m no longer alone in this big, cruel world. I have my little girl by my side, and that’s all I’ll ever need.

  ‘Yes, he is,’ Sophia replies, winking at me. ‘Candice is in the kitchen. I’m going to take Maddie upstairs for a bath, so you two can talk.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  As I turn, Sophia grabs my elbow. ‘Take it easy on her, Jax? I know you’re upset, but she’s very fragile at the moment.’

  I nod. I’ve been racked with guilt since she left my house in tears. The last thing I want to do is hurt her more than she already has been. We’re going to have to find a middle ground if we’re going to co-parent our daughter.

  My heart aches when I walk into the kitchen and find Candice with her head buried in her hands. There’s a pile of used tissues sitting on the table in front of her. When I reach her side, I pull her off the chair and into my arms.

  ‘Don’t cry,’ I whisper.

  ‘Oh, Jax. I’ve ruined everything. Can you ever forgive me?’

  When she buries her face into my chest I rest my chin on the top of her head. Her sweet apple scent envelops me. I’ve missed that smell. ‘Shh,’ I say, rubbing her back as I hold her tight. Can I forgive her? I don’t know.