Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  Maddie laughs and claps her little hands when Sophia praises her.

  ‘I wish I didn’t have to be her sister,’ I hear Candice say in the background.

  ‘Oh, baby. I know how hard this has been for you,’ Sophia says. She must lower the video camera, because all I can see now is the sole of Maddie’s foot, her cute little toes, and part of the rug she’s sitting on. ‘You may not think so, but you made the right decision. This way you get the best of both worlds: you get to spend time with your daughter, but by having me raise her, you can still live your life to the fullest. I don’t want you to miss being able to go out with your friends, to travel the world, and to conquer all your dreams. Whatever your heart desires. You can never get those years back. Trust me, I know.’

  My heart hurts as I listen to their conversation, and even more so when I hear Candice start to sob in the background. I have to take some of the responsibility for all this.

  ‘Don’t cry, baby girl.’

  ‘I don’t have any friends to go out with, and I hate that my birth ruined your life,’ Candice sniffles.

  ‘Oh, sweetie, don’t ever think that. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You and Maddie both. My career doesn’t even compare to the happiness I found after you were born. You’re my world … you both are.’

  As the home video moves to another time in Maddie’s life, Candice’s words continue to play in my mind. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own feelings of betrayal and loss, I haven’t really thought about how hard this decision must’ve been for her. It’s obvious she loves her daughter; giving up her parental rights and handing Maddison over to Sophia to raise wouldn’t have been easy. I’m still angry at her for keeping this from me, but I regret acting so harshly towards her now. She has suffered as well. Next time my resentment rears its ugly head, I need to remember that.

  The video goes for over an hour, giving me snippets of Maddie’s early life. As well as her first words, I got to see her take her first step, and her first, second and third birthday parties. Well, they weren’t exactly parties, but Sophia and Candice went out of their way to make them special. Candice was right when she said it wouldn’t make up for everything I’ve lost, but it has given me pieces of my daughter’s past that I thought I’d never get, so I’m thankful for that.

  I grab another beer from the fridge before I pick up the album. The first photo I see when I open it is Candice and her very pregnant stomach. I smile as I run my hand over the image. She looks breathtaking, especially because she’s carrying my child inside her. That familiar feeling of being cheated creeps to the surface. I never got to run my hands over her stomach, or feel the baby moving inside.

  It’s after midnight by the time I finish flipping through the album and studying every photo. Unlike the home movie, this covers every phase of her life, from the day she was born until now.

  After gently packing everything back into the box, I pull my phone out of my pocket. It’s late, and she’s probably already asleep, but I send a message anyway. I’m grateful she went to the trouble to do this for me.

  Me: Thank you.

  I’m startled when the phone dings a few seconds later.

  Candice: You’re welcome. Hope it helps give you back a little of what you’ve lost.

  Me: It was nice to see the special parts of her life that I’ve missed.

  What else can I say? I’ll never get those moments back, but I do appreciate what Candice has done. It’s also helped me see a little of what she’s gone through as well.

  Candice: I’m glad. I wish I could give you more, but that’s all I have.

  I sit there and stare at my phone, unsure of how to reply. We wouldn’t even be in this position if she had just told me from the beginning. As much as I try, I can’t seem to let go of the anger. But she did a nice thing by putting all this together for me, and I don’t want to spoil it by being negative or angry. A minute or so later, my phone dings again.

  Candice: Night, Jax. x

  I look down at the tattoo on my arm, the one I got especially for her. A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret. It’s my constant reminder to pull my head in when needed. We’ll never be what we were, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to be the best of who we are now. For our daughter’s sake if nothing else.

  Me: Goodnight, Candice.

  JAX

  Eighteen months later …

  I SMILE WHEN I HEAR MADDIE’S LOUD FOOTSTEPS BARRELLING down the hallway to my bedroom. For someone so petite, she sounds like a baby elephant.

  ‘Wake up, Daddy,’ she says excitedly as she jumps onto my bed and shakes my hip. ‘Wake up.’

  I lie perfectly still as she moves up the bed towards my face. My eyes remain closed and I try to suppress my grin when I feel her warm breath dance across my cheek. Today is her fifth birthday, and I was lucky that it fell on my weekend. I can’t believe how fast she’s growing up. She’ll be starting big school in a few months, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

  ‘Daddy,’ she whispers as she clasps my shoulder and shakes me once more.

  I can’t hold back my smile any longer when her lips connect with my cheek. I adore this kid. She enriches my life so much.

  When she’s least expecting it, I roll over and capture her in my arms, flipping her over. ‘Happy birthday, sweet girl,’ I say, burying my face into the crook of her neck.

  ‘Daddy!’ she squeals as my fingers tickle her sides. The sweet sound of her laughter warms my heart.

  ‘Are you ready for your presents?’ I stayed up half the damn night putting her dollhouse together. She has a small one at Candice’s house that she plays with a lot, but it doesn’t compare to this one—it’s the mother of all dollhouses. I want her to have nice things here, for when she stays over. She’s going to love it. It’s a three-storey wooden one. I bought all the tiny furniture to go with it, and a family of dolls.

  Maddie’s slowly pulling away from Puppy as she grows. He still sleeps with her every night, but he no longer accompanies her everywhere. It’s kinda sad.

  ‘Yes,’ she says, her face lighting up.

  ‘After breakfast, I’m going to take you somewhere special.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘To Luna Park. It has rides and lots of fun stuff.’

  ‘Yay. I love you, Daddy,’ she says, kissing me on the cheek.

  ‘I love you too, Peanut.’

  I sit back on the sofa and watch her play with her birthday present. My ears are still ringing from the loud, high-pitched squeal she made when she saw her dollhouse for the first time. There were even a few tears in her eyes as she threw her arms around me, and thanked me. I love her so much, and I love having her here. I miss her when she’s with her mother.

  I can’t help but smile as I listen to the different voices she uses for each of the dolls. She’s so fucking adorable.

  Turning to me, she holds up two of the dolls, one in each hand. ‘This is the daddy dolly,’ she says. ‘And this is the mummy dolly. Where can the daddy dolly sleep?’

  ‘In the dollhouse with Mummy dolly,’ I say.

  Her brow furrows as she gives me a confused look. ‘But mummies and daddies don’t live in the same house.’

  Her words tug at my heart. She must think her situation is the norm. I guess she’s too little to know otherwise.

  ‘Some mummies and daddies live together.’

  ‘Why don’t you live with my mummy? She’s nice.’

  ‘I know she’s nice.’ Christ, I totally walked into that one.

  I stand and head towards the kitchen. ‘Do you want a soft-boiled egg with the toast cut into fingers, so you can dunk them?’ I ask as I pass her. It’s my pathetic attempt at changing the subject. I’m not getting into this conversation with her.

  ‘Yes please, Daddy.’

  After we eat, I get her clothes out. She’s little miss independent now, and likes to dress herself. Grabbing the brush off her dresser, I pull her hai
r back into a ponytail. I’ve got this shit down pat now. When I’m done, she sits on the bed so I can put her shoes on. Pink Converse sneakers, just like her mother’s.

  ‘I was thinking,’ I say as I tie her shoelaces, ‘since we’re going to be out all day, we might call past your mum’s on the way to the amusement park, so she can see you for your birthday.’

  ‘Okay. That means I’ll get more presents today.’

  I chuckle when she rubs her hands together. Kids. I remember feeling like that when I was a boy. My parents always went out of their way to give us over-the-top birthday parties, and the best presents money could buy. It was never done to please us though, it was to try to outdo all the other showy and pretentious parents in the neighbourhood.

  While Maddie brushes her teeth, I head into my room to get dressed and send Candice a text.

  Me: I’m taking Maddie to Luna Park today. I thought if you were home, we’d call past so you could see her. We won’t be back until later tonight.

  By the time I’m dressed and washing up our breakfast dishes, there’s still no reply from Candice. I notice Maddie sitting by her dollhouse again, getting in a little more play time before we leave.

  When I wipe the last of the dishes and put them away, I pull my phone out of my pocket. There’s still no reply. My mind goes into overdrive. Although our friendship has improved over the past year or so, I have no idea what Candice gets up to in her free time. No matter how hard I try not to love her, I still do. I often wonder if she has a boyfriend, even though I don’t really want to know. My philosophy is what I don’t know won’t hurt me. Maddie has never mentioned any other guy, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one.

  Picking up my car keys from the bench, I call out to Maddie, ‘You ready to go?’

  ‘Coming, Daddy, I’ll just grab my hat.’ I love that she still wears the Princess cap that I bought her.

  I open the car door so she can climb in. It’s a warm November day. The sky is a beautiful rich shade of blue, and there’s not a cloud to be seen. Once she’s seated in her booster seat, I lean in to fasten her seatbelt.

  ‘I can do it,’ she says, pushing my hand away. Again I’m reminded of how fast she’s growing. I love—and hate—that she’s becoming so independent.

  ‘Okay.’

  My phone dings as I walk around to the driver’s side. Candice has finally replied.

  Candice: Sorry, I was in the shower. If you haven’t left yet, I’d love it if you could bring her by. It feels weird not having her here on her birthday.

  I push away the thought that she’s gotten to spend every birthday with our daughter. Last year it fell on Candice’s weekend, but I can’t complain. She invited me over for dinner and birthday cake, so I could spend some time with Maddie on her special day. This visit is just repaying the favour.

  Me: Great. We’re leaving now. We’ll be there in ten.

  The first thing I notice when Candice opens the front door is her wet hair and a face totally devoid of makeup. She still takes my breath away. I inhale her sweet apple scent, it’s prominent today. I wish I wasn’t still so affected by her.

  ‘Happy birthday, baby girl,’ she cries, lifting Maddie into her arms.

  ‘Daddy bought me a dollhouse.’

  ‘Wow. Lucky girl.’ Candice smiles sweetly when she looks at me.

  ‘Daddy is taking me to Luna Park.’ Maddie looks at me too. ‘Can Mummy come?’

  Fuck.

  Candice must see my reaction because she quickly comes to my defence. ‘It’s your special day with your dad.’

  ‘But you can come too. Can’t she, Daddy?’

  ‘Of course she can come.’ How can I say no to her? I try my best not to make my answer sound forced. It kills me to be around Candice for long periods of time.

  ‘Only if you’re sure,’ Candice says hesitantly. The uncertainty on her face is mixed with a dash of hopefulness. It has me nodding. I’m such a sucker when it comes to these two.

  ‘Come. It’ll be fun,’ I lie. Torture more like it, but it’s Maddie’s birthday. If she wants both her parents with her, then who am I to deny her that? I want to give her everything I never had: love, affection and most importantly, security.

  ••••

  ‘There’s Mummy,’ Maddie yells as she points to Candice in her dodgem car, only a few metres away. ‘Get her, Daddy.’

  Making a sharp turn of the wheel, I head straight for Candice. I burst out laughing when I see the horror on her face as we collide roughly with her.

  ‘Oh, you want to play dirty,’ she growls. She straightens her car and does a loop around the outside. I give chase, but she’s already got a clear lead on me.

  ‘Catch her, Daddy, catch her,’ Maddie squeals with excitement. I’m so focused on Candice, I don’t see the other car coming until it smashes into us, jolting us sideways.

  ‘Shit. Are you okay?’ I ask Maddie, looking down at her.

  She laughs. ‘Yes, Daddy.’

  ‘I’ve got my little girl in the car, you idiot,’ I say when I turn my attention to the fool who just crashed into us. Before I get a chance to say anything else someone careens into the back of us, catapulting us a few feet forward. I turn in my seat, ready to shout abuse, only to find Candice laughing behind us.

  ‘Payback’s a bitch,’ she mouths.

  ‘Game on,’ I mouth back and stomp my foot on the pedal.

  After lining up for another turn on the dodgem cars, we head over to one of the outdoor cafés for some lunch. I was wrong about not wanting to bring Candice—the three of us are having a great time. Maddie manoeuvres between us, taking our hands in hers. It’s not hard to see she’s enjoying having both of us here.

  We spend a few hours in the old-school Coney Island funhouse after lunch. My jaw aches from smiling and laughing so much.

  Candice insists on watching Maddie as I take on some of the scarier rides. I get the feeling she’s chickening out on me, but she’d never admit it.

  ‘Can we ride on that one next?’ Maddie asks, pointing to the Ferris wheel.

  ‘I’ll wait down here,’ Candice says.

  ‘Nice try,’ I reply, grabbing her elbow and guiding her towards the line. ‘You’re not getting out of this one.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘No buts.’

  I start rocking the carriage when we reach the very top. The view of Sydney Harbour is spectacular from up here. Maddie laughs—she’s a daredevil like me.

  ‘Please stop rocking the carriage,’ Candice says. She has her eyes clenched shut and her fingers are gripping the seat with such force her knuckles have turned white. She looks petrified.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  She shakes her head vigorously.

  ‘Mummy’s scared,’ Maddie declares.

  ‘Hey,’ I say, nudging Candice’s leg with my foot. ‘The view is amazing from here, open your eyes.’

  She shakes her head again, so I move to sit beside her. ‘It’s okay,’ I say, prying her fingers from the seat and wrapping them in my hand. Her eyes immediately spring open and they take in our linked hands. I see a smile tug at her lips. ‘I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise.’

  Her grip on my hand tightens. ‘Thank you,’ she whispers.

  We stop at an Italian restaurant for dinner on the way home later that evening. Spending long periods of time with Candice is something I’ve avoided for the last couple of years, but now I’m trying to drag the evening out as long as I can. I don’t want it to end.

  Maddie is sound asleep by the time we pull into Candice’s driveway. ‘Thank you for letting me come today,’ she says. ‘It’s been fun. Just like old times.’

  ‘Like old times,’ I reply as I look away. I miss those times, but we can never get them back.

  I turn back to her when she wraps her fingers around my hand. ‘I miss you, Jax.’

  I close my eyes and release a long, drawn-out breath. I fucking miss her too, but that ship sailed the moment she betrayed me. When
I reopen my eyes, she’s watching me. We sit there in silence just staring at each other. It feels like an eternity passes but it’s only minutes. Then the inevitable happens—that damn shift, the one that always happens when we’re together like this. My face inches towards hers.

  Just before our lips connect, everything that has happened between us flashes through my mind. This is a bad idea. I close my eyes again, as I rest my forehead against hers.

  ‘I can’t do this,’ I whisper.

  She sighs just before she pulls her head away. ‘I understand.’ I can hear the hurt in her voice. ‘Good night, Jax.’ Without looking at me, she reaches for the doorhandle and gets out of the car. I see her wipe a finger under her eye as she closes the door, and I know she’s crying. She runs across the front lawn and towards the house.

  ‘Fuck,’ I say, banging my hand down on the steering wheel.

  Two months later …

  ‘Daddy, you came,’ Maddie cries as she runs towards me, leaping into my arms.

  ‘Of course I came. I wouldn’t miss your first day of big school for anything.’ After kissing her cheek, I put her back down. I sigh—she looks so grown up in her school uniform. Candice and I put in a lot of effort last year, trying to find the perfect school for our little girl. A place where she’d be happy and looked after. It was tough, because neither of us were prepared to let her go. I’ve been dreading this day for months.

  When we finally settled on a school we both liked, we attended the parent interview together. I’ll never forget that day. Never. The moment Candice got in the car when I picked her up, she handed me an envelope.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind that I went ahead and did this,’ she said.

  ‘Did what?’

  ‘Open it.’

  I still remember all the feelings that ran through me as I looked down at the piece of paper in my hand that said, Maddison Albright. Happiness, pride, gratitude, just to name a few.