Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  ‘It’s all legal. It was done through Births, Deaths and Marriages,’ Candice said, reaching across the centre console and placing her hand on top of mine. ‘She’s your daughter, Jax, she should have your name.’

  She was my daughter regardless of her name, but it was now official. I now have the piece of paper to prove it.

  ‘Morning,’ I say with a nod, looking over at Candice, Sophia and Brendan. It’s great that Maddie has so much support. I only wish she had it from my family as well. I’ve never told my parents about her, but maybe it’s time I did. They may have turned their backs on me, but surely they’d want to be part of their granddaughter’s life?

  Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I hold it up as I take a picture of Maddie.

  ‘Do you want one together?’ Candice asks.

  ‘Sure. That’d be great,’ I say, passing her my phone. Things have been weird between us ever since we almost kissed after our day at Luna Park. We’ve avoided each other as much as we can. Apart from the drop-offs, pick-ups and occasional dinners at Candice’s place, we don’t go near each other. We did spend Christmas Day together with our daughter. After seeing how happy Maddie was on her birthday, having both of us with her, we made a pact that every special occasion—birthdays, Easter and Christmas—would be spent together as a family.

  Crouching down beside Maddie, I wrap my arm around her and look up at my phone.

  ‘Say cheese,’ Candice says.

  ‘Cheese,’ Maddie calls out.

  When the school bell rings, a lump rises in my throat. I’m not ready to let her go. Candice picks up Maddie’s backpack, and helps put it on her back—it’s almost as big as her. Everything in me wants to bundle my little girl into my car and take her away from this place. She’s not ready—correction: I’m not ready.

  She makes her way along the line, starting with me. ‘Bye, Daddy,’ she says, wrapping her arms around my waist. When she releases me, I crouch down in front of her, tucking a blonde curl behind her ear.

  ‘Have a great day.’ That’s all I can manage to say without getting choked up.

  ‘I will, Daddy. I love you.’

  ‘I love you too, Peanut.’

  She smiles. She seems excited and happy to be here, so I need to accept that.

  ‘Bye, Mummy,’ Maddie says, moving to Candice.

  ‘Bye, baby girl.’

  When I see the tears welling in Candice’s eyes, I have to look away. I don’t dare look again until Maddie moves to Brendan. Even then I avoid making eye contact with Candice.

  ‘Bye, Poppy,’ she says, hugging him. She’s been calling him that for a while now. She adores him just as much as he adores her.

  ‘Have a great day, sweetheart.’

  ‘Bye, Sophia.’ Of course Sophia’s crying too, but it doesn’t seem to affect me like Candice’s tears do.

  Brendan bends and whispers something in Maddie’s ear.

  ‘I mean, bye, Nanny.’

  We all laugh when Sophia elbows Brendan in the ribs. Brendan proposed to her a few weeks ago. They’re even talking about moving in together soon. It’s great to see them so happy.

  Maddie runs back to me and gives me one last hug before she joins the rest of her class. I swear if I see one tear fall from her eye, I’m going to take her home with me. But I don’t. She looks so proud standing there in her uniform, smiling. The sight only seems to break my heart a little more. I enjoy watching her grow, but I need it to slow down a little. It’s all happening too fast.

  We stay until she disappears around the corner. Walking away and leaving her here is hard. The moment we’re out of the gate, Candice breaks down beside me. Christ, doesn’t she realise how hard I’m trying to keep it together? Sophia and Brendan are a few metres in front of us, oblivious to what’s just happened.

  ‘Come here,’ I say, pulling Candice into my arms. She slides her hands around my waist, clinging to me as she cries softly into my chest. I need this just as much as she does.

  ‘I’m not sure if I can leave her here, Jax,’ she whispers.

  ‘I feel exactly the same way.’ My voice cracks as I speak.

  Who knew parenting could be this hard?

  JAX

  I READ OVER THE LETTER IN MY HAND ONE MORE TIME.

  Dear Mother,

  I hope this letter finds you well. I know it’s been a few years since we’ve had any contact, but I thought you might like to know that you have a granddaughter. Her name is Maddison. She’s five years old. If you’re wondering why I’ve taken so long to inform you, I only found out she was mine a few years ago. She has become a huge part of my life since then. She’s beautiful, smart and has such a sweet nature. I’m extremely proud of her. I’m writing this letter because I’d love for her to meet my family. She has her mother’s family in her life, and it would be nice if she had some contact with you all as well. I’m enclosing a photo of her. It was taken last week on her first day of school.

  As for me, if you’re the least bit interested, my life is going well. I own and run a successful tattoo parlour in Newtown. I’m currently looking into buying another one. I know it’s not the career you envisioned for me, but I’m happy.

  Tell Father and Brent I said hello.

  Take care,

  Jaxson

  The letter seems formal at best, but it’s all I’ve got. My family don’t do mushy anyway. I hate even having to write this, but I’m doing it for Maddie. No other reason. I’m in two minds about even subjecting her to them, but she should be given the opportunity to meet them. Although I’m not expecting miracles. Look how they’ve treated me.

  My gut churns as I fold the letter and put it inside an envelope. I hope I’m not going to regret this.

  I’m pulled from my thoughts when my phone dings. It’s a message from Carter.

  Carter: Hi fucker. Are you coming up this weekend? I bought a Jet Ski yesterday. You’ve gotta try this baby out. It’s wicked.

  This weekend I have Maddie. I haven’t even mentioned her to him yet. He’s never asked why I’ve gone from visiting him every weekend to only every second. He just presumes I’m busy with work. It’s not like I’m ashamed of my situation, I love my daughter and I want the world to know she’s mine. But as close as Carter and I are, we don’t talk about personal shit. Chicks do that, not guys.

  Me: Hey cocksucker. I’m busy this weekend, but I’ll definitely come up next weekend. I need to talk to you about a business proposition anyway. Looking forward to taking your Jet Ski for a spin. I can give you lessons if you like.

  Carter: I don’t need lessons, arsehole. I know how to ride it.

  He bites every damn time.

  ••••

  ‘Jax, it’s Candice,’ she says the moment I answer the phone. ‘I just got a call from the school. Maddie’s in the sick bay. She fell and hit her head in the playground.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘She’s okay. Don’t panic, but they’ve asked me to come and get her. It’s school policy with any type of head injury.’

  The moment she says head injury, I go weak at the knees. ‘I’m coming with you,’ I blurt. I need to see Maddie with my own eyes.

  ‘I was going to get Sophia to go pick her up.’

  ‘We’re her parents, Candice, not Sophia.’

  ‘I’m at work, plus my car is in getting serviced. I can’t pick it up until this afternoon.’

  ‘Text me your address.’ I have no idea where she works—the less I know about her life, the better. ‘I’ll pick you up on the way.’

  ‘Okay,’ she says with a sigh.

  Fifteen minutes later I pull up outside her work. I find her waiting for me by the kerb. The first thing I think is how beautiful she looks, which annoys me. I read the sign above the shop and see she’s still working in the beauty industry. I know this isn’t the career she wants. She was happy when she was working for me.

  ‘Hey,’ she says once she’s seated in the passenger seat.

  I glance at her as I pull on
to the road. ‘Hey.’ Maddie’s school is only five minutes from here, so we should be there soon enough. I’m trying hard not to work myself up into a state. You don’t send your kids to school to get hurt. ‘Have you heard anymore from the school since we talked?’

  ‘No. Stop panicking, the lady in the office said she seemed fine.’

  ‘I’m not panicking,’ I say defensively.

  ‘Yes, you are.’ She chuckles.

  She’s right, I am, but I’m not about to admit that to her.

  The office lady, Pam, ushers us into the sick bay. Maddie is sitting on a chair in the corner, holding an icepack to her forehead. Rushing over, I crouch down in front of her. She has puffy eyes from crying. It tears me up inside.

  ‘Are you okay, Peanut?’ I scan her body as I speak. Apart from the icepack and a scraped knee, I can’t see any other injuries. That calms me slightly.

  ‘I hit my head, Daddy. I tripped over Thomas.’

  ‘Oh,’ I say, pulling her into my arms. ‘It’s okay, Daddy’s here now.’ Drawing back, I remove the icepack to inspect her forehead. There’s a small lump there, but it’s not as bad as I expected. ‘We’re going to take you home. I think we should get a doctor to check you out.’ I lift her off the chair, while Candice chats with Pam.

  ‘I’m okay, Daddy.’

  ‘We’re still going to see the doctor. Just to be sure.’

  I swear I see Maddie look at her mother and roll her eyes, but I ignore it.

  ‘That school has a lot to answer for,’ I say to Candice once we have Maddie in the car.

  ‘What? Why? She was playing, Jax. She was in the playground.’

  ‘I don’t care. They should’ve been watching her.’

  ‘There’s over four hundred kids at this school, and maybe two teachers, max, on playground duty.’

  ‘Well, that’s not good enough. I’m going to call the principal when I get back to work. No, better still, I’ll write him a letter. At least we’ll have something in writing then.’

  ‘You will not,’ she snaps. ‘You heard what Pam said. She was running on the concrete and tripped over another kid. How is that the school’s fault?’

  ‘They should’ve stopped her before she got hurt.’

  ‘You can’t wrap her in cotton wool. She needs to be a kid. Kids run. It’s what they do.’

  ‘We do, Daddy,’ Maddie says from the back seat.

  I’ll never win with these two.

  I’m relieved when the doctor gives Maddie the all-clear. At worst she has a mild concussion, but he’s given us a list of things to look out for just in case. That does nothing to ease my mind.

  ‘She can come back to work with me,’ I say to Candice when we’re in the car.

  ‘It’s okay, my boss gave me the rest of the afternoon off. I’m going to work back for Thursday night trading to make up for it.’

  ‘All right. Well, make sure you keep an eye on her. You have the list the doctor gave you, right?’

  ‘Yes, Jax.’ This time Candice rolls her eyes. ‘When did you become so overbearing?’

  ‘Why, because I care about our daughter’s welfare?’

  She goes quiet. I guess she has no comeback.

  ‘You’re right,’ she murmurs a few seconds later. She says it so softly, I barely hear her.

  ‘What was that?’ I say, bringing my hand to my ear.

  ‘You’re right. Maddie’s lucky to have a father who cares about her. I wouldn’t know what that felt like.’

  My smugness immediately disappears when I glance at her. She looks so sad as she picks at an imaginary piece of fluff on her trousers.

  ‘Hey,’ I say, placing my hand on hers. ‘Your father’s an idiot. He’s the one who’s missed out on something amazing, not you. He’d adore you if he took the time to get to know you.’

  ‘You think so?’ she asks as a smile tugs at her lips.

  ‘I know so.’

  JAX

  ‘I’M DEFINITELY BUYING ONE OF THESE,’ I SAY TO CARTER AS I help him hose down the Jet Ski after our day on the ocean.

  ‘It’s pretty sick, hey?’

  ‘It is. How much did this baby set you back?’

  ‘Eighteen grand. They usually go for around twenty-two. This guy I inked did me a good deal. We can go see him tomorrow if you like.’

  ‘Sounds like a plan.’ I seriously want to own one now. I’ve had the best afternoon. I knew coming here would help. It always does. It’s my escape from all the bullshit back home.

  After we shower and change, Carter cooks up a mean dinner. I wish I knew how to cook as well as he does.

  ‘How’d you learn to cook like that?’ I ask, as we set the table for our card game.

  ‘My mum worked a lot when I was a kid. I had to grow up fast.’

  I’ve always suspected he had a shitty family life like me. You could tell—well, I could. It was like looking in a damn mirror the first day I laid eyes on him. Trouble always finds trouble. But I still know nothing about his life before we met. Like me, he holds his cards close to his chest.

  ‘What about your dad?’

  He shrugs, taking a long pull of his beer. I get the feeling he’s doing that to avoid answering me. ‘I’ve never met my dad—I’m a bastard.’

  ‘Just because you never met your dad doesn’t make you a bastard.’ I chuckle.

  He gives me a look telling me there’s nothing amusing about what he just said.

  ‘I’m an illegitimate child, dickhead. You know, my parents weren’t married when I was born? Technically, that makes me a bastard. It even says so in the fucking dictionary.’ The anger in his voice is clear. This is obviously a touchy subject.

  My mind instantly shifts to Maddie. Candice and I aren’t married. That technically makes her a bastard as well.

  ‘People don’t really think like that anymore, do they?’

  ‘The narrow-minded ones do.’ The torment I see on his face has me feeling bad for him.

  ‘Heaps of people have kids out of wedlock these days.’

  ‘Well, they shouldn’t.’

  It’s now my turn to take a long pull of my beer. ‘So it was just you and your mum growing up?’

  ‘Yeah. She more than made up for me only having one parent. She was great.’

  He’s lucky he at least had one good parent, it’s better than two shitty ones. ‘I grew up with a father, so believe me when I say you didn’t miss much. It’s seriously overrated. My dad is a cock.’

  ‘So that’s where you get your cocksucker side from?’ he says, chuckling.

  ‘Fuck off, arsehole.’

  He throws back his head and laughs. He thinks he’s a comedian. ‘Seriously, man,’ he says when he finally stops. ‘I’m sorry your old man was a prick.’

  I shrug like I don’t give a shit, but I do. ‘You can’t choose your family.’

  ‘I’ll drink to that,’ Carter says, raising his bottle.

  ‘Cheers,’ I reply, clinking my bottle with his. ‘Who invented parents anyway?’

  ‘They’re not all bad. I would’ve been lost without my mum. Fuck, I miss her.’

  What does he mean by that? Please don’t tell me she died. ‘Is she like … you know?’ I can’t even bring myself to say the word out loud.

  He frowns. ‘No. I don’t know—what?’

  I tilt my head to the side and roll my eyes back in my head, hanging my tongue out the side of my mouth for extra effect. It’s my pathetic attempt at playing dead.

  ‘Is my mother crazy? No, she’s not fucking crazy,’ he snaps. ‘You know I’d punch you in the head right now if she was?’

  ‘I wasn’t trying to look crazy.’

  ‘Well, you did.’

  ‘Fuck off. I did not.’

  He shakes his head and laughs. ‘What are you trying to say then? Are we playing fucking charades now? FYI, I hate charades.’

  ‘No we’re not playing charades, cock. You probably hate charades because you suck at it.’

  ‘I don’t suck a
t anything. Just say it.’

  ‘It just doesn’t feel right to come out and say it.’

  ‘Say what? You’re starting to get on my nerves with all this cryptic shit.’

  ‘Um … is your mum, you know … pushing up daisies?’

  ‘Pushing up daisies? You mean dead?’

  I nod, still hoping it’s not the case.

  ‘What the fuck? No, she’s not dead. And why couldn’t you have just said that? Pushing up fucking daisies. Who even says shit like that?’

  ‘Me apparently.’

  ‘Right. That’s enough alcohol for you,’ he says, reaching across the table for my beer. I snatch it and slap his hand away.

  ‘Fuck off. This is my first one.’

  Placing my lips around the top of the bottle, I take a drink. I make sure to keep it in my hand when I’m done so he can’t confiscate it from me. He narrows his eyes at me, so I reach into my pocket with my free hand and grab a few dollar coins to distract him, putting them on the table in front of me. I actually have a pocketful, but I know he’s going to bite.

  I see him look at the coins, so I put my beer down and start dealing the first hand. Getting this card game underway will avoid any further conversation. That’s why guys don’t do deep and meaningful, we suck at it.

  ‘Where’s the rest of your coins?’

  ‘That’s all I brought with me.’ I shrug, trying to act casual.

  ‘What? Three fucking coins. They aren’t going to get you far.’

  ‘I cleaned the floor with you last time I was here, and the time before that. Come to think of it, every time I leave here my pockets are so weighed down with all your cash, I can barely walk.’ I try hard to keep a straight face. ‘I thought I’d travel light this week. It was the sensible thing to do.’

  ‘You’re a cock. You know that right?’

  ‘How can I forget when you keep reminding me?’ I take a sip from my beer. ‘Does your mum live up this way? Is that why you moved here?’

  I don’t know why I keep bringing up his family. Maybe because that damn letter I sent my mother is weighing heavily on my mind. It’s been almost ten days, and I still haven’t received a reply. Even though I didn’t hold out much hope that I’d get one, it still hurts that I haven’t. My family can reject me all they want, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let them reject my little girl.