My Winter

by Nikki Young

  “So have you,” I reply back.

  “You know why I’m crying, but why are you?”

  The tears begin to fall again. Cari pulls her arm from my lap and sits up straight. I want to tell her, but I’m not entirely sure what I’m crying about.

  “Did something happen with Ellis?” she asks, confused by my lack of response.

  “No. Well, yes, but that’s not why I’m crying. I like him, Cari. Too much.” I manage to choke out a few shaky sentences.

  “Like who? Ellis? I’m totally confused. You’ve got to give me more than that.”

  “No. Adam,” I whimper.

  “Oh, I see.” Her eyes widen and she pauses before she speaks again. “This isn’t a bad thing, Leah. You with Ellis, that was a bad thing. You parked yourself with Ellis because he was safe. You never fully loved him and now that you’re seeing what it feels like to fall in love, you’re scared.” Cari speaks so matter-of-factly that I want to tell her she’s wrong. She’s so confident in her theory that she shrugs her shoulders like what she’s said is obvious to the world.

  “I didn’t “park” myself with Ellis,” I say and I can hear the indignation in my voice directed at her insinuation. “And I did love him.” I’m not sure why I’m saying this when I know it’s not entirely true. I think I thought I loved him, especially at the time. But now that I’m removed from the situation, I see it for what it’s worth. “I get what you’re saying, but I never thought I’d meet someone like Adam. I thought Ellis was it for me.”

  “You don’t need to defend yourself. I get it. He was safe and sometimes safe is easier to deal with. Why do you think I’m still stringing Jimmy along?” She shakes her head and I can see the tears form. “It’s scary as hell to let go and let someone love you.”

  When I met Cari, we were young and stupid, but we both held the same view on love and marriage. It wasn’t something that would ever be part of our lives. Me, because I couldn’t bear to think about losing myself in someone, only to have them taken from me. Cari, because she came from the typical broken home. Divorced parents, the arguing, the hatred, all the bitterness that comes with it. It jaded her into believing nothing is ever perfect. And I know nothing is ever perfect and when it is, the world rears its ugly head and puts you back in your place. Some say it’s karma or juju or whatever, but in my eyes it’s just the opposite. It’s jealousy and greed and evil that ruins it all.

  “Do you love Jimmy?” I ask her point blank.

  Cari licks her lips and presses them together. She’s wasting time, like she needs to think about the answer. “I’ve loved him from the day I met him,” she says looking away from me. “So, you’d think it’d be easy for me to just tell him, but it’s not.”

  “I’d like to tell you you’re being stupid, but I know what it’s like. How is it possible to fall in love with someone you hardly know?”

  “I don’t know, but it happens,” she says.

  In the next second my phone alerts me to a text message. I walk over to the kitchen table where I dropped my purse. Digging for my phone I see a message from Adam.

  Adam: Had the most amazing date with an adorable girl. Was hoping she’d send me her address. Any chance you could look into that?

  I giggle and Cari asks if it’s Adam. I nod my head. Heading back to the couch, phone in hand, I show Cari the message. She rolls her eyes and laughs.

  “He’s cute and funny. That’s a hard combo to find, don’t screw this up,” she says, jokingly. “Send him your address or I’ll do it for you.” Cari kisses my cheek, grabs her phone from the coffee table and heads back toward her bedroom.

  Following suit, I head to the bedroom that I now call mine, the whole time debating on how I should respond to Adam’s text message. The sexual tension between the two of us was so thick you could cut it with a knife, but the night ended quietly and sweet.

  I decide to keep it simple by telling him I had a nice time and at the end I include Cari’s address. Although I live here now, it’s weird calling it my house. I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to explain to Adam that I live with my best friend because it’s completely obvious that it’s a recent development. My suitcases are still on the floor, Cari’s dresses take up almost the whole closet and I don’t blame her. The closet space in the city is the worst. Maybe I can use the excuse I used in high school…my mom won’t let me have boys in my room.

  Adam texts me back as I’m climbing into bed.

  Adam: I was a little presumptuous in my assumption that you’d have dinner with me tomorrow. So, I’ll ask you nicely. Leah, will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?

  Me: Yes Adam. I’d love to. J

  Adam: I’ll pick you up at 7.

  Me: Ok. I’m going to bed. Good night.

  Adam: Great, now I’m picturing you in bed. Good night.

  Me: I’m giggling...

  Adam: Love…

  I roll over and place my phone on the nightstand, knowing that if I don’t end the conversation there it will lead to things that will only make me want him more.

  I can’t help but smile as I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling; Adam’s beautiful face is all I see. When I finally fall asleep, I dream about him.

  I wake the next morning to the sound of rain pelting the windows. It’s the kind of rain that can ruin your entire day. It’s like buckets of water being dumped from the sky with no sign of slowing down. When it rains in the summer, Chicago turns into a greenhouse, a hot box, a real-life sauna. It’s a humid, sticky, gross mess of heat and wet air, making it hard to breath and even harder to control the imminent sweating.

  The only thing getting me out of bed on a morning like this is knowing that I have a date with Adam. The faster the day goes, the faster my date arrives. I shower, leaving my hair wet; I dress quickly into my usual work attire of all black. It’s easier this way. No mulling over what to wear. It’s like a uniform.

  I meet Cari in the kitchen. Her hair is pulled back into a tight bun and she’s wearing very little makeup. Her feet are already stuffed into a pair of pink Wellies that do nothing for her current business suit attire. The boots serve a purpose because no one wants to show up to work with wet feet. Cari and I learned this lesson the hard way.

  After a few months of working together and me still living with my mother, I became Cari’s roommate. We’d walk or take the bus to work together, both of us in cute pencil skirts or wide-leg pants and ridiculous stilettos. We’d mock all the women we’d see in gym shoes and business suits hoofing it to their jobs. That was until it rained. Ill-prepared and just plain stupid, we slipped our feet into our four-inch heels and the first step onto the curb to check for the bus and Cari went down. Fell right off the curb and into a puddle on the street. What do I do? I laugh at her. Tears streaming down my face, hardcore laughing. I fell shortly after that and we both slipped at least ten times in the short three-minute walk from the bus to the office. Showing up with cold, wet feet or sopping wet pant legs. That evening we both bought a pair of Wellies and a pair of work only gym shoes and joined the rest of the geniuses on our commute.

  “This rain is gonna suck,” Cari says as she pours a cup of coffee. “Weather just said it’s supposed to continue until tomorrow evening.”

  “Great. I’m going out with Adam again tonight.” I roll my eyes and grab the cup of coffee Cari has waiting for me.

  Cari hops off the stool in front of the island, clapping her hands in front of her, she skips over to me and throws her arms around my neck. I pull away from her.

  “What’s that for?” I ask.

  “I’m just really excited about you going out with Adam again. When I went to bed last night I was certain you were going to bail on him.” She smiles and sashays toward the door, grabbing an umbrella from the closet on her way. “This is good!” she shouts over her shoulder. “Really good.”

  I shake my head at her and yell back, “There’s no sense in getting worked up over something that isn’t even a thing yet!”


  “Shut your damn mouth, Leah. This is so a thing!”

  I follow her out the door and she skips to the elevator. I feel like I’m missing something. Cari never behaves like this and rarely does she get excited about the guys I’m dating.

  “What’s your deal?” I ask as the elevator closes.

  “I’m just happy for you. I think Adam is great. He’s good for you, that’s all.”

  She makes me suspicious. Never in all the time I’ve known her has she been excited about me dating.

  Work is sucking the life out of me and by the time lunch rolls around, all I can think about is food. I pop my head over the top of the cubicle I share with Cari and give her two choices. “Truck or sit down?” I ask. Without pausing to question the options she instantly answers, “Truck,” and continues working. She stops for a second and looks at me with a huge smile on her face.

  “Seriously, what’s going on? You’re acting really weird and it’s creeping me out a little.” Cari has been acting strange ever since I told her I was going on a second date with Adam, yet she won’t seem to fess up. The guy in the cube across from us has been fake working since I asked Cari the question about the truck. He loves to listen in on our conversations, which always makes me wonder if he finds us fascinating or fascinatingly stupid.

  “She’s always weird,” Cube guy chimes in.

  “Shut it, Mick,” Cari snaps back.

  “My name’s Ryan,” he says annoyed by the fact that Cari and I don’t have a clue what his name is. He’s been here for a year and has said no more than ten words to us. We both know he requested his cube be moved recently. That request was denied. Sucks to be him.

  “Whatever. Stab in the dark. You look Irish,” she says with a dismissive wave. “Let’s go.” Cari steps out of her cube, slipping on her black trench coat as she motions for me to follow her. “Later, Paddy,” she calls giving him a quick nod. Cube guy mumbles conspiratorially to himself as we leave him to ponder his life’s choices at his desk. I’m pretty sure we’re at the top of his “face punch” list.

  After getting distracted by cube guy, I never got Cari to admit why she’s being so strange. I turn my body to face her as she looks straight ahead at the elevator door with a smug smirk on her face.

  “So, honestly, what the fuck is going on?” I’m starting to get pissed and she knows it. She’s baiting me and I hate her for it. “Just tell me,” I practically shout and it echoes throughout the elevator.

  “I’m not going to tell you. Just wait, okay?” she says, making me want to question her further. “And don’t ask me again because I’m having an impossible time keeping it a secret.”

  “Would you have told me if Ryan hadn’t of interrupted us?”

  “Who’s Ryan?”

  “The guy in the cubicle.”

  “I think his name is Brian.”

  “No, it’s Ryan and stop trying to distract me.”

  Cari doesn’t answer and we ride the elevator down in silence the rest of the way. Leaving the building, we both open our umbrellas to a wall of rain. The overhang of the building crowded with people, the sidewalk a mass of bright colored circles that shine with raindrops and it’s almost magical the way it looks when it all comes together. I stop for a second to take it all in, knowing I rarely appreciate the beauty of the city.

  Cari swats my leg and tells me to get moving. I’m following her and within a few seconds I catch up, falling in line next to her. We walk quickly to the empanada truck that is parked near the office, like it is every day.

  The amount of people gathered around the truck is almost obscene given the rain. Umbrellas clustered together forming one giant nylon canopy, making it impossible to move. A petite blonde with a pixie cut jabs me in the side of the head with the metal post that juts out from her umbrella. No apology just shoves her way through the sea of people. Cari drops her umbrella to her side and ducks under mine. She’s pressed against me in a way that makes it look like we’re more than friends. And when she leans in close to my ear, her breath makes me giggle.

  “He’s perfect, Leah,” she says “Navy suit, red umbrella, gorgeous eyes. He’s waiting for you.” She kisses my cheek as my jaw drops. How’d she know he was going to be here? This is why she’s been acting all bizarre. I have a million questions to ask her, but before I can she’s waving good-bye and Adam is squeezing through the crowd.

  I can’t stop smiling. My cheeks begin to hurt, but my smile never falters.

  He grabs for me dropping his umbrella at his feet, his arm encircling my waist, his free hand forcefully grabs the back of my neck. He pulls me hard against him and my umbrella falls loosely behind me. When his mouth connects with mine, it’s like an electric current shooting through me. My body goes rigid, then gently molds against him. I can feel his fingers slide into my hair, gripping it tightly. My mouth falls open and his tongue glides against mine and for a moment I forget we are surrounded by rain-soaked bodies and a rainbow of umbrellas. My eyes are closed; my body melts into him as I slip my free arm around his waist. He breaks the kiss and I sigh feeling deprived, but when he trails his lips down to my neck and nips lightly at a spot just below my ear, it makes my whole body realize I want him...bad. The softness of his breath coupled with his teeth is almost unbearable. The contrast of the two entirely different feelings is driving me crazy.

  “I think it’s time for lunch,” he says quietly against my neck pulling me from the dream world that seemed way too real.

  “Yeah,” I reply back, my breath coming out ragged.

  He holds up a small brown bag. Napkins are protruding from the top and I can see the grease soaking the side of the bag.

  Adam squats down under my umbrella and when I look at him, he’s smiling so big it makes my chest hurt. I see in his eyes what I never saw in Ellis’. My stomach clenches right along with my chest.

  I lead us into the building and out of the September monsoon, both of us slipping our umbrellas into plastic bags handed to us by the doorman. We head up to my office. Unfortunately, the rain has given us limited options of where we can eat. As we exit the elevator, his hand presses against the small of my back. There’s something about this gesture that makes my body scream with need. I want to push him back in the elevator. I want to consume him, feel every inch of his skin, take in his smell, his excitement, all of it pushing against me as my body seeks what it’s been missing.

  I pull a chair from an empty cube over to my desk and Adam sits down. I excuse myself to get us both drinks, returning with two bottles of water. I realize I never asked him what he wanted to drink. But in this moment I realize I want to know what he always drinks with his lunch, what his favorite food is, if he has a favorite color, if he likes the ocean during a storm because when I look at his eyes they’re that exact color. I also want to know if he’s as obsessed with me as I am with him. None of this will be said out loud of course.

  I sit down next to him and I can feel my body heat rise. He makes me nervous, I hate to admit it, but he does. I take a deep breath because I know my voice will give me away. I smile at him and when he winks at me, I almost melt into my chair.

  “How’d you know?” I ask, then nervously add, “That I was going to be at the food truck? That I’d be there today?”

  He smiles weakly, looking away. “I knew you worked here,” he says glancing around. “And I knew you worked with your friend Cari.” He pauses and laughs a little. “So I found her email address on the company website and emailed her. Crazy shit, but she had no qualms about selling you out to a stranger.”

  I shake my head, knowing Cari would do anything if it meant keeping me happy. “Don’t worry, she’ll pay for it later,” I tell him.

  “Guess the whole thing makes me sound like a total stalker.” I hear the humor in his voice, but it’s laced with apprehension, too.

  “Not too stalkerish. Less like Max Cady and more like Ricky Fitts, so it’s all good.”

  Adam narrows his eyes and chuckles a little.
“I have no idea who those people are.” Only seconds later he questions his response with, “Should I?”

  “I hope you’re joking,” I answer back and judging by the look on his face, he’s dead serious. “Guess not. You know, Cape Fear? American Beauty?” He shakes his head. “Okay, seriously? You’ve never seen Cape Fear?” Again a headshake response and I can tell he’s growing tired of my shock. “Date three is my place, beer, pizza and a movie lesson.”

  Within seconds his beautiful face lights up and it makes me want to climb into his lap. “I’m down for anything that involves being with you. I’ll warn you though, I don’t really like movies.”

  He nearly knocks me on my ass with this comment. A graphic designer who doesn’t appreciate the cinematography of a great movie?

  “How can you not like movies? I feel like that’s sacrilegious or something.” Adam chuckles at my comment as he continues to eat.

  “Well, honestly, I find them boring. I’m a gamer. Like to keep my hands busy.”

  The attraction between the two of us is so intense. From the second he kissed me in the rain, my body has been reeling and the comment about his hands only adds to my desire. I want his hands on me and that thought makes my inappropriate side take over.

  Sliding my hand up his thigh as I lean across the desk, I watch his eyes grow wide. “I’m pretty sure I can find a way to keep your hands busy,” I murmur.

  “Oh, Leah, I don’t doubt that. Suddenly I love movies,” he says and there’s that wink again. It makes me weak and needy.

  My heart begins racing at the thought of his hands on my body. The adrenaline coursing through my blood makes my mouth go dry and for some reason I can’t even speak. Adam makes my entire body stand at attention in a way that makes me crave him. I’ve never felt such an intense connection to another person so quickly. He’s like a drug, and the more I have the more I want. But my heart is being dumb; I can’t possibly have feelings this strong, this overwhelming for someone I just met. But as I remove my hand from his thigh, my body shouts out in protest. My chest aches, my stomach clenches, everything in me is saying to hold on to him.