Withdrawn: Prequel to Reckless Abandonment

by K. Pinson

  I decide to drop my bike in my front yard and walk to the swimming area instead. Usually, I only ride when Brynn is on the back. A walk will be nice. A small breeze blows through every occasionally, lifting the ends of my hair. It has a slight sun-bleached appearance that it only gets in the Summer, but it’s still very dark. When I reach the dock, the lake is practically empty. I can see a few people some ways out in the water, hanging out on a boat but the immediate area is swimmer free. It seems like more people prefer to swim in the pools but Brynn and I prefer the lake. It’s quiet and a little bit out of the way of our trailers. It’s our favorite spot, like a secret world away from everyone and their problems.

  I ditch my shirt, followed by shoes and then cannonball from the dock into the cool water. The first feel shocks my system but it becomes comforting after my body adjusts to the temperature. I feel free here. I wade around for a while before heading back towards the dock. When I look up, I see a small figure waving and it encourages me to swim faster. My feelings have recently started to change when it comes to Brynn. I’m noticing things about her that I never have before. Like the pout of her lip when she’s transitioned deep in thought or the difference between her polite laugh and the full belly one when she’s really tickled. I find myself admiring her when she’s doing nothing other than sitting with me in silence. I haven’t really mentioned any of this to anyone yet. My friend, Tommy Sanders, started holding hands with Lauren Setti right before school ended last year and everyone teases him. Not that Tommy really cares, he has stars in his eyes. But most of my friends are still under the impression that girls have cooties and want nothing to do with them. They would rather be playing video games. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also obsessed with video games. But I’d prefer playing them with Brynn than any of my friends. From some of the shows I’ve watched and the books I’ve read, I guess this means I’m in love. I knew I liked her more than other girls. Usually, I hate being around most of them. They are more obsessed with putting lip-gloss on and still playing with Barbie dolls. But she is different. She likes to do the same things I like.

  When I reach the dock, I grab hold and swiftly lift myself up. Making sure to flex my muscles that have only started showing this Summer. They aren’t much, but they’re mine. The same way that she is. Even if she doesn’t know it yet.

  “Hey, Cohen.” She greets me with a smile, her eyes sparkle in the sunlight.

  “Hi, Brynn! Are you getting in the water?” She is still clothed with shorts and a tank top. Sometimes she just sits on the dock and watches. She doesn’t swim all that well, never really had anyone to teach her. I always see different guys in and out of her house and her mother rarely comes out. But the water is her happy place. She tells me that all the time. She could live in it. I'm slowly teaching her how to perfect her swimming strokes. She has been getting a lot better.

  “I might. I’m waiting for Ariana to get done with her chores and come play.” I’m a bit shocked by that because it is rare that her sister Ariana ever comes outside and hangs out with us. She’s usually in the house doing God knows what or outside keeping to herself and reading a book under one of the trees in the woody area of the park. I don’t really like her because she’s always mean to me, but I put up with her for Brynn.

  “Oh okay, “I sit down beside her on the dock, sopping wet. The sun is beating down on us so I’m drying quickly without needing a towel. “The water feels great.” I smile over at her but she doesn’t return the sentiment. She swiftly nods her head, closes her eyes and lays back on the dock. I’m not sure what is going on but something feels different. Brynn is usually extremely chatty, I can never get her to shut up.

  I do the only thing I can think of and follow suit, laying back. My hand reaches out and grabs hold of hers, intertwining her fingers with mine. This isn’t new. But it feels like it. She clenches my hand tightly, exerting the negative energy that is weighing her down today and though it stings a little, I say nothing. The pain is much easier for me to deal with because it is rare and far between. But I’m not so sure the case is the same for her. Though I don’t know as much as I’d like to about her home life, I know enough. Before I can get too deep in thought about this, the clearing of a throat and the sun being blocked by a figure interrupts us. I slowly open my eyes, squinting to allow them to adjust to the intrusion. Ariana stands before us. I find myself letting go of Brynn and sitting up.

  “Oh, hey Ari.” I try to stay casual. Her presence intimidates me, it always has. She’s tiny in stature but a force in personality. She’s only a few years older than us but every time she talks I feel like I’m speaking to an adult. She has more wisdom about the world than my mom.

  She runs a hand through her blueish black hair, letting it tangle around her fingers and aggressively yanking the knots out. She doesn’t say hello back and I don’t really expect her to. Ari doesn’t talk much and only seems to speak up in conversations that matter to her. She’s picky about her words, I like that. Brynn and I are the opposite, being heard is all we care about and we talk just so that someone listens. She sits down next to Brynn and I’m now facing them. Brynn had sat up while my attention was focused away and they both stare out into the water. The contrast between the two of them makes people question if they are even really siblings at all. There isn’t anything to the naked eye that pinpoints them in the same gene pool. A dark cloud looms over Ariana, whereas Brynn is usually everything light. But their connection cannot be broken. You can just tell that their love for each other rivals all. It makes me wish I had a sibling.

  “So, do you guys want to come swimming?” It’s starting to get scorching hot outside and just sitting here the dock is starting to burn my legs. I’m comfortable in silence when I’m with Brynn, but I can’t figure out what kind of thoughts Ariana has running through her mind. Her silence is scary. I glance at Brynn, her impassive face still focused on the water.

  “I’m going. I need the water to weigh me down for a while.” Ariana responds. I shrug my shoulders and stand up. She so often talks in riddles that I’ve given up trying to decipher her meanings. Before I can think of anything to say back to her, she stands up and looks past the end of the dock into the water. She has layers of clothing on in the smoldering hot weather and a pair of heavy, black combat boots.

  “She’s going to take that stuff off, right?” I don’t realize I say out loud. At the same time as the thought crosses my lips, she’s in the water. Brynn gasps and rushes to her feet next to me. We both race over to the edge of the dock and look in. The water is murky and I can’t see her. I begin to panic.

  “Stay here!” I shout to Brynn. She has started to cry and I don’t need something bad to happen to her. I lunge into the water head first and blindly root around to find any part of her to grab on. I struggle to open my eyes but push through. It takes a minute for them to adjust and then I’m able to kind of see what lurks underneath. Turning my head rapidly in all directions, I search for her.

  After going little ways out and coming up once for another deep breath, I begin to seek her out again. My mind takes me back to the first time I met her and how much she has changed since then. She has grown. But there is something she hides within her and she won’t let any of us in to find out what it is. Flashing back to a ten-second memory of her underneath the big tree that Brynn and I love to frequent, sitting alone and crying. It was the first time I ever saw her show real emotion. Usually, she is reserved and keeps a straight face always. I went to her then and I tried to comfort her, but she yelled at me and I ran. Maybe I should have stayed.

  I’m shaken back to consciousness when my chest begins to feel heavy. I’m not sure how long I’ve been under for but I’m starting to lose my breath. I find her, sinking with her arms lifted above her head and her eyes closed. I swim as fast as I can to her and grab her underneath the arms, trying to lift her up. I can’t propel both her and I up to the surface and she isn’t responding at all to my touch. She’s pulling me down with her. I int
ernally remind myself to remain calm, letting her go to dive down and untie her boots. I can only get one off because the strings have been tied too tight. The act does help a little bit. Unfortunately, I still can’t seem to get her up. Adrenaline has kicked in but I’m losing energy fast. I unzip her sweatshirt, yanking it off her arms and letting it float down. I’m relieved when we are starting to float back towards the top with ease. There must have been quite a bit of weight in those pockets or something. I kick my legs with all my might while holding on to her arm. We finally reach the top and as my head breaks the surface, I gasp for air. It’s music to my ears when she does the same. I don’t know how long she was under for. It felt like an eternity.

  When we reach the dock, she grabs on the end and I grab her thighs to help hoist her up. I see she’s lying safely on the wooden platform and slowly bring myself out of the water. I’m exhausted and my body feels heavy. Brynn is just staring down at Ariana. She must be feeling the same as me, unsure of what to say or do. Ariana cuts through the silence like a knife with loud sobs. Brynn kneels in front of her and takes her into her arms for a hug. I sit there and watch the interaction, feeling like I’m intruding on a private moment between family.

  “Everything will be fine, Ariana.” Brynn whispers to her, loud enough that I hear.

  “But it’s not.” Ariana barely gets out between sobs. “Not if she keeps…” Brynn cuts her off before she can finish, “Not in front of him!” She yells. Ariana gets up in a huff and storms off, barefoot and shivering even in this heat. Nobody chases after her and a part of me feels bad that I don’t. I can’t move from the dock. I’m in shock after all that just happened. I turn away from where Ariana just disappeared and look to Brynn instead.

  She returns my gaze, pleading for me to change the subject. I’m confused and decide to just leave well enough alone. I can see in Brynn’s stormy eyes and flushed skin that she’s upset and I don’t want to make it worse. This wasn’t how I saw this day turning out. I decide that I’ve had enough for one day, I’m just tired at this point. I stand up and offer Brynn my hand. When she takes it, I pull her into standing, grab my things and silently start to walk home barefoot. I’m sure she follows suit but I don’t hear her quiet footsteps. Daring to turn around when I’m almost to my trailer, I see that she has gone straight for hers instead of saying goodbye. That seems to pain me more than the feeling of rocks underneath my feet.

  “See you tomorrow, Brynn,” I shout across the street. She doesn’t say a word, just goes into her trailer and closes the door behind her.

  Sighing, I turn back towards my home. I’m still soaked from head to toe. So, I take my towel and try to dry off the best I can. I wring out my swim trunks and leave the towel to dry on the stoop. I walk inside and head straight back to my bedroom to change. I grab a dish towel on my way back through after getting dressed and dry all the spots on the tile where I had dripped water all over. I fix myself something to eat and settle in front of the television. Mom is awake and watching some type of reality TV show. She was sleeping on the couch but woke with a start when I sat down. I felt a bit bad about waking her but I’m debating on talking to her about what happened at the lake.

  “Mindless.” She says and I laugh. She doesn’t normally like me to watch this kind of television. She's too zoned in to really pay attention or care. We don’t talk much but enjoy each other’s company in silence. Even though she has napped today she still appears extremely tired.

  “You should go back to bed Mom,” I tell her, grabbing my plate and carrying it to the kitchen. I wash it off and put it on the drying rack.

  “Do I look that bad?” She responds with a small laugh. The one I’d not heard in a while.

  “You’ve looked better,” I respond honestly.

  “Kids.” She scoffs. “You know how many hours of labor I went through with you?” Her eye catches mine. I’m horrified.

  “I don’t want to know…please not this story again!” I exclaim. Uncontrollable laughter bubbles up from her chest.

  “You’re getting too old, Cohen. I want to go back to when you were this big…” She cradles her arms as if she’s holding a baby.

  “I’ll always be your little baby, Mom.” I knew that would make her happy. Even if I didn’t fully believe it. She smiles and my words do their job. Before she even has a chance to say anything back there is a knock on the door.

  “I’ll get it,” I shout out, sprinting over to the door. When I open it, I’m pleased to find Brynn on the other side. I had thought about going over to say something to her since the moment we parted ways, but I’m glad she decided to come over first.

  “Hey, Brynn.” I greet her with a smile. She smiles back but it doesn’t seem real.

  “Hey, Cohen. Can you come outside and talk?” She is shuffling her feet around on my small stoop, kicking them against the wood nervously.

  “Let me just ask my mom and I’ll meet you outside. I’m sure she won’t mind.”

  “Okay, I’ll meet you at the picnic tables by the big tree.” She responds before turning away.

  I quickly turn back inside and my mom nods her head. She must have been paying attention to the conversation Brynn and I had. I wave and she blows a kiss. I race to our tree. While on my way there, my mind begins to race. I’m not sure what to say. This day has been extremely weird. I feel like I need to tell my mom about what happened at the lake, but I’m afraid that she may react badly and forbid me to see Brynn again. She’s my only real friend around here. I can’t lose her. She understands me and what it is like to lose a father. Well, she never really had one, to begin with according to her. Her crazy mom told her some wild story about getting pregnant the same way Mother Mary did. I’m twelve and even I know she’s nuts. I do know that Brynn and Ari have different dads and that neither of them is in the picture. I feel sad for the girls about that. Being stuck with only one parent and a bad one at that.

  When I finally reach the tree, I see Brynn sitting underneath. It appears that she is reading a book. I quietly walk over, not wanting to interrupt. I am just now getting into reading, mysteries usually, but I don’t like people bothering me in the middle of a good book. I sit beside her, as close as possible. Before I can stop myself, I glance over her shoulder. I can hear my mom scolding me in my head for being nosey. When it comes to Brynn I can’t help it. I just want to know everything about her. It doesn’t look like a regular book, it has a plain colored cover filled with sticks from top to bottom.

  “What are ya reading?” I ask. She nearly jumps out of her skin.

  “I didn’t hear you sit down.” She places her hand on her heart and begins to calm down. Sometimes she really gets inside of her own head.

  “Sorry about that. I tried to be quiet. Didn’t want to bug you.” I smile sheepishly.

  She places the book on the ground, closing it as she does.

  “Oh, it’s nothing. Just Ari’s journal.” She shrugs her shoulders as if she is going to live to see another day after stealing her sister’s diary. My mouth drops open.

  “She’s going to kill you,” I respond honestly. Ari even scares me.

  “Well, I just want to know what’s up with her lately.” She says simply.

  “You better put it back before she notices.” I motion with a finger across my throat, cutting it.

  “Oh, hush. What do you know? You’re just a silly boy.” She scoffs at me and sticks out her tongue.

  The way that she does this so carelessly and free, it puts butterflies in my stomach. My hand finds its way up to her face and I lean in, wanting so badly for her to meet me halfway. This feeling is very new to me and a little scary. I have no clue what I’m doing. I’ve seen others doing it and even watched it on TV, but I feel weird to even be attempting. Something pulls me to her.

  She leans forward and our faces are so close I can feel her breath against my lips, exhaling deeply. We stare at each other, awkwardly, and the thoughts are going crazy in my mind trying to figure out how to tr
y. What if I’m bad at this? What if she laughs at me? Even worse, what if she tells everyone how bad I am and laughs at me? Am I really going to do this?

  Before I can think anymore, I kiss her, just a peck, before she has a chance to change her mind. When we part, my mind is in a continued frenzy. I feel a bit light-headed and lean back on my elbows, lifting my head in the air to get a breath. I just kissed a girl. For the first time. And it was Brynn. My neighbor Brynn, my best friend Brynn, my girlfriend Brynn? I’m not sure what to consider her now.

  “Wow.” Words don’t find me easily.

  “Wow is right.” She responds with a shy smile. I’m not sure if this is proof that she liked it. I wonder if it was her first kiss too. I want to ask her but I’m afraid that she’ll say no. We are best friends so she usually tells me everything. But I’m not sure she would tell me about kissing boys. Girls only talk to other girls about stuff like that.

  Brynn picks up Ariana’s journal and distracts me by reading an excerpt out loud. She thumbs through until she finds what she is looking for.

  “The bruises are hidden by thin cotton and denim.

  Tears stains are dried upon my cheeks,

  But I am far from weak.

  I bare my porcelain skin before you to save her,

  So you can mark me instead,

  With your rotten hands

  Over and over again “

  Brynn closes the book after finishes the last sentence and sets it back down.

  “Brynn! Where are you?” I hear shouting coming from across the way. There’s no doubt that it is Ariana I hear. We both jump far away from each other immediately like our butts have caught fire. My face turns a bright shade of red when she rounds the corner and looks down at us knowingly, hands on her hips.

  “This is my tree.” She says sternly. She looks mad. “And my journal!” She points to the book on the ground before reaching down and angrily snatching it up.

  “See. I told you.” I awkwardly laugh. I’m not sure how I’m feeling now. I’ve never seen Ariana physically hurt so I’m not sure if her words are real or make-believe. My young mind struggles to process this new information. Brynn just rolls her eyes and stands up.