Withdrawn: Prequel to Reckless Abandonment

by K. Pinson

  “Hi, Cohen,” Ariana says with a small voice. I feel tiny.

  “What are you doing here,” I respond, cruelly. I would say that I don’t mean it but that would be a lie. I don’t want her here. I don’t want any reminders.

  “I wanted to stop by and see how you’ve been doing.” She says back quietly. A small twinge in my gut feels bad for being so rude to her. But I know that I need to push her away. So, I push it back down.

  “You haven’t seemed to care about that for months, why now?” I retort and she looks thoroughly taken aback. In all fairness, I haven’t reached out to her at all either. I know I shouldn’t place the blame all on her lap. Although, it seems easier to do it anyway.

  “The same can be said for you…but at least I’m here trying. I cared about her, too.” Her voice is beginning to build. This is the Ariana I know. She doesn’t back down from men or anyone for that matter. I don’t want my neighbors to hear any of this conversation so I invite her inside. She slowly steps in and I close the door behind her. I walk over to my kitchen and pull out a bar stool for her to sit. See, I’m not a total prick. I grab down two shot glasses and my vodka bottle from the freezer. I pour myself a large glass and a little inside of the second of her. If my memory serves me correctly, she’s not huge on vodka.

  “No thanks. I haven’t been drinking.” She responds, eyeing my full glass. I down it before her judgment can cloud my own.

  “I’ve been drinking enough for the both of us,” I respond with a laugh, trying to ease some of the tension. It doesn’t seem to work.

  “Cohen, you should talk to someone.” She sounds genuinely concerned. My mom has told me the same thing but I don’t need to tell some quack how I’m feeling. I don’t need some stranger to pretend like they give a fuck. It’s a waste of money if you ask me.

  “I’ll pass. I don’t want to tire my lips out. I need them for other extracurricular activities.” I waggle my eyebrows. She just stares at me. I can see that frustration is starting to take over.

  “Alrighty then.” She curtly responds. I can tell when she is starting to get angry. In the short time that we worked together, I learned a lot about her and the way she expresses her emotions. She must be pushed far before she will lose her temper. Now it’s a game for me to get her there.

  “Can we make this quick? I’ve really got somewhere to be.” I pour myself another shot of Vodka and attempt to sip on it instead of drinking it in one large gulp. The tingles are beginning to grace my skin and I’m starting to feel good.

  “I wanted to talk to you about something important, actually. I’m not sure if now is a good time though.” She can sense that I’m starting to get a little drunk. But it is going to take a bit more to make me blackout. I’ve reached that point several times so I know my body by now.

  “I’m still good, Ariana. Spill.” I gesture with my hand for her to. At the same time, my phone begins to ring in my pocket. I pull it out rudely and pick it up without saying anything to her about it.

  “Hey baby,” I say into the phone. I don’t have a clue who the caller is, the name reads Brittany, but I’m willing to bet it is one of the girls I’ve recently hooked up with.

  “Hi, Cohen…” The caller purrs on the other end. “Are you coming to the club?” She asks seductively.

  “Yeah…I’ll be right there. I am just finishing up some business here first.” I hope this doesn’t take too long. I’m honestly ready to be done with this walk down memory lane.

  “I’m right outside of your place. I’m coming up.” She tells me firmly. I’m not mad about it. This should make it easier to get rid of Ariana.

  I hang up the phone, not responding back and walk back over to where Ariana is still sitting. She looks extremely uncomfortable, staring off into the distance. I turn towards where her eyes have latched on to something and realize she’s staring at my painting of her that hangs on my wall. I’ll never forget the day I sketched it. I think it was the first time I saw Ariana in a different light. I had been hung up on Brynn for so long I would never have thought my attention would drift elsewhere. A grieving mother had come into the shop frantically after just having lost her baby. I didn’t catch all the details, but I do remember the care in Ariana’s eyes and the way that she guided the woman into her chair. They discussed tattoo ideas for hours. The woman crying on and off and reminiscing of the memories she had with her child.

  I sat to the side of Ariana, working on sketches while she tattooed. I don’t know how she held it together so well, with all the sadness surrounding us in the tattoo parlor that day. But she did. She tattooed a beautiful portrait of the little girl on the woman’s arm and facial features were absolutely striking. That was a permanent reminder of the beautiful life that woman had created and now they would never be apart. The tears were gone at this point. Joy was radiating from the client. Ariana ended up telling her that the tattoo was free of charge. It was a huge piece and an even larger chunk of time, but I think the feeling that we were all getting had to have been payment enough for her. When she left, I complimented Ariana and she didn’t bat an eyelash. She was always so modest.

  I never told her, but while she was so intently putting her heart and soul into that baby’s portrait, I put mine into hers on paper. After I had completed it, I had to even take it a step further. Black and white just wasn’t good enough. I wanted it to be in living color forever. I painted it and here it stays. A reminder of a good soul as mine continues to darken. My last grip on reality before I’m lost completely.

  The doorbell rings and I’m brought back down to Earth. I know that this will be the last time I see her. Maybe we will come across one another in passing but our relationship will become toxic if I allow her in now. She deserves someone who can deal with his shit better than I can. She deserves to live her life for her. The more I think about it, I'm regretting my decision before I've even made it. For once, it isn't about me though. I need to do this for her. That's what I continue to tell myself at least. She watches me walk to the door quietly. Turning her head to follow me. I open the door slowly and am ambushed by who I can only assume is Brittany. I faintly remember her but I’ve been lost in a sea of blondes lately and she doesn’t exactly stand out. Before I can say anything, she pushes me into the wall and comes at my lips hard with hers. I hear movement and look out of the corner of my eye. Ariana is out of her seat and heading towards the door. I can see tears pulling at the corner of her eyes. Her tears make me angry because they make me feel guilty and I’ve had so much of it that I’m already drowning. I pull away from Brittany.

  My door is still wide open and Ariana walks out of it without a word. I follow her into the hallway and scream down it, “You don’t have the right to be upset, Ariana.” I’m seething but I know I’m not angry at her. I’m angry at myself. I hate who I am. She turns around quickly and slams her foot down.

  “You cannot be serious?” She raises her voice and points her finger at me, “You fucking used me, Cohen. Just like all the others. You told me it was going to be different for us. You’re a liar.” I want to go to her. I want to reassure her that I didn’t lie and when I said those things that I meant them. But the grief won’t let me. I stay rooted to my spot. We are only feet apart but it feels like miles.

  “It was one fucking night Ariana. Get over it! It was great while it lasted. I’ll always love you. Just not the way you need.” I yell. I want her to move on from me. She deserves so much more. I’m scum.

  “The best one I’ve ever had. You loved me because I was fragile… the minute that was gone so were you. And now so am I.” She whispers but I hear it. She turns back around and walks out of my life. I don’t stop her.

  Instead, I go back inside and have another drink. I get more lost inside myself and even deeper inside of Brittany.

  Ariana’s POV

  The walk to my car is the longest one I’ve ever taken, emotionally. I feel like I’m walking the green mile on the way to my deathbed. This was so different
from I had imagined in my mind. My naïvety got the best of me. When I finally make it to my car, I let the emotions take me away with full force impact. I open the door and sit inside, allowing the tears to fall freely. I’m sobbing so hard that my stomach begins to hurt. I lean my head out, aimed towards the pavement and release the contents of my stomach. I force myself to calm down. When I’m finally feeling better, I wipe the side of my mouth on my sleeve and close the door behind me.

  I start the car and quickly pull away. I breathe a sigh of relief when I find the highway. I turn on some music and change the station anytime a love song comes on. The closer I get to home, the more I feel lost. Home isn’t always a place. Sometimes it is a person. And sometimes they don’t realize how much you need their shelter. I turn off the radio after getting tired of all the sad music. I want to feel happy again. I feel a flutter in my stomach. I take one hand off the steering wheel and move it gently down to my belly, “It’s just you and me, my little bean. We will be okay.” I whisper.

  I found out about a month after Cohen left that I was pregnant. I had not been with anyone else so I know it is his. I struggled with telling him right away but I knew he was dealing with a lot and I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I thought it was for the best to keep it from him for a while longer. But when he never came around, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. I went there to let him know the truth tonight. What a mistake that had been. I’m just glad that it never came to fruition. It’s clear that he can’t handle this.

  “I’m strong,” I tell myself out loud in reassurance.

  I’m close to home now, almost to my exit but I decide to take a detour. I go to the cemetery where Brynn is buried. Sometimes when I need someone to talk to, I come here. I still don’t have a lot of close friends. I do have my coworkers at the tattoo parlor though and they are enough. They are a great support system to lean on. They are all happy about this pregnancy. I’ve sworn them all to secrecy about the father. They are the only ones that knew we were talking since it was still new.

  I get out of my car when I arrive and walk over to her headstone. It is up on a hill, overlooking a beautiful view of the water. She always talked about the water. Her infatuation with the ocean was strong and she wanted to visit. I wish she would have made it there. I think she was a mermaid in a past life. I laugh to myself at the thought. I sit down in front of her headstone and run my fingers gently across her name.

  “Hey sis,” I whisper to the air. The wind picks up and it’s almost as if she’s wrapping me in her comforting arms. She was the only one that has ever truly loved me.

  “I found out that little bean is a girl this morning.” I smile to myself. I got an early blood test and couldn’t be happier about the result. I honestly would have been fine either way but the thought of a little princess makes my heart swell.

  “I’m going to name her after you. Please send her down to me with your eyes. “The wind picks up again and I can’t help but burst out in tears. I wrap my arms around myself and talk to her for a bit longer. It begins to get chilly and when my body breaks out in full-blown shivers, I know it is time to go. I hate leaving her here alone. Even though I know she’s no longer truly here. I look up to the sky as I walk to the car, “Please also watch over Cohen. I know it’s a lot to ask. But I still love him.” And that’s truly the hardest part of all of this. I know I need to let him go. I hope he finds a way to love himself again. I must focus on me and little bean now.

  I get into the car and drive away. Back towards my home at the tattoo parlor and life as I know it. My mind continues to try to talk me into finding a way to let Cohen know about his daughter, but my heart can’t handle any more pain. I’ve spent my entire life thus far protecting someone else. I threw my feelings to the side and became a bitter shell of a person. It was the only way I knew how to cope with the abuse that was being consistently doled out on me. I often fantasized amid the beatings, a different life. I can’t completely blame the substance abuse for all the misfortunes I’ve had in life but it a stacking up pattern. My mom faced lots of issues when the men she gave her heart to sucked her dry and turned to drugs and alcohol. In a different way, Brynn did the very same thing but for other reasoning. The guilt she had for not having faced the abuse that I dealt with led her to console herself with drugs. Now the person that I thought I could finally trust and give myself to completely has also started to self-medicate and throw everything we had away. Even though I want my daughter to know her father since I never did, my compulsion to protect myself and more importantly her out shadows that feeling. Artificial substances will no longer rule my life.

  I make it home in good time. I look up at the tattoo parlor and think back to how hard I worked to finally get to a place where I feel comfortable calling it home. I unbuckle my seatbelt and place my hand on my stomach. Being by myself isn’t going to break me. I have finally realized what an intense strength I have within me. The strong sense of determination to become the best mother possible hits me. I know it isn't going to be easy but I have full confidence that it will be worth it. Undeniable vulnerability had once plagued me and I think Cohen latched on because his personality called out to help people. I know our friendship had grown quickly into more but at the time it felt so real. I wanted so badly for us to have the happily ever after that is only written in books. Unfortunately, this is my life and it isn't that pretty. I know now that he needs to focus on helping himself and I need to do the same. I only have a short time period to get it together before my world changes and the most important piece of me arrives.

  My soul was blue with sadness. Meanwhile, his was green with envy. Wanting a girl he would never have because she was gone before he could save her. When his soul touched mine, they mixed and the most stunning shade of aquamarine was left for all to gaze upon but nobody to understand. In manifestation, we were like the ocean. Comforting as you wade in the tide but deadly if you allow yourself to be pulled under by the turbulent waves. If only we could rid ourselves of all the salt. It landed in the gaping wounds of a past neither of us wanted to talk about. Blinding our eyes with its touch. Resulting in us not being able to see our future together. Assaulting my taste buds and dulling my tongue. Tricking me into believing that I could live a life without his kiss on my lips. And simply, it made it hard for us to breathe. Things were much easier when I was blue and he was green. But now I know happiness, I know aquamarine. I can't wait to meet her.

  I shake my thoughts away and reach down to grasp the door handle while shutting off my car. I walk up the pathway to familiarity and smile as I walk welcomed into the front door. My cell phone starts to ring and I pick it up without thinking to look at the caller I.D.

  “Brynn…” A male voice comes across the line, “This is your father.”

  Stay tuned… Ariana’s journey will continue in a full-length novel to come soon. Follow my page for updates.

  The poem found written in Ariana’s diary entry was penned by a dear author friend, Erica Christensen. I asked her to do this because she is hands down one of my favorite word smiths. Make sure to check out her other books and poetry collections. You will not be disappointed. Thank you again my friend. You found the voice of Ariana with ease.

  © 2017 Erica M. Christensen

  The bruises are hidden by thin cotton and denim.

  Tears stains are dried upon my cheeks,

  But I am far from weak.

  I bare my porcelain skin before you to save her,

  So you can mark me instead,

  With your rotten hands

  Over and over again

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  Website: www.ericamchristensen.com

  Acknowledgments

  This is the first new piece of material I’ve written in over two years now. A part of me feels relieved that these words that have been stuck inside of
me are finally out of my heart and on to pages. There is another part of me that is scared to death. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember but I have so many people in my corner loving me through it. This novella and the book to come is for them.

  To my husband- Thank you for your eagle eyes and your unwavering honesty. Even though at times I thought I may actually murder you in your sleep, you remained true and helped me to maintain my author voice throughout this book. I know you think the lead male is a nerd but I hope you know I’ve modeled him after you in most areas. He is sensitive and sweet. He wants to help people and pick them up when they can’t lift their own two feet from the ground. When the weight of the world ties me down, you carry me. I hope you know that I’ll also always carry you. I love you.

  To my beta girls Stacy and Jasmine- Thank you for getting on this crazy rollercoaster ride with me! Thank you for talking me off the ledge every time I was about to break down. Thank you for helping me to add character development and expand on areas where I was lacking. You two are everything to me. I hope to have you in my corner for every release from here on out! Love you girls. Stacy, you are also an amazing personal assistant and I love that you work for books. But my promise stands true, if I ever hit it big, you’re one of the first on my list girl! LOL

  To my family and friends- Thank you all for listening to me complain about my fear of this release. Thank you for watching Ana when I needed some time to focus. Thank you for always standing by my side. I love you all.

  To all of the girls and guys in K. Pinson’s lovelies- Thank you for hanging around even when I was at a standstill. You all have worked together to pull me from the abyss. I truly hope you have enjoyed this book and will stick around to see what the future holds! You all rock and I love you.