Withdrawn: Prequel to Reckless Abandonment

by K. Pinson

  “Oh…Thank you.” She stammers and I smile. I’ve never really seen her act shy before or nervous. “Jade wouldn’t let me come in my normal attire. I’d honestly rather be wearing your outfit now.” She gives me a small laugh but I know she means it.

  She glances over to her friend Jade and gives a wave. Jade winks in return.

  “Well if you want to trade, I’m down. Do you think I can pull off the sparkly look?” I joke.

  “Oh yes, definitely. Your personality is full of sequins.” She responds with a giggle.

  Her phone begins to ring and she pulls it out of her pocket looking down at the screen.

  “Feel free to help yourself to the snack table and make sure to grab yourself a beer. I’ve gotta take this.” I nod my head and walk away so she can take her call.

  I grab a beer and crack it open, instantly calmed by the fizzing noise before I’ve even had a drink. Nothing like a good brew to calm your nerves.

  “She’s almost here everybody! Places!” Ariana calls excitedly. It’s cute how much she cares about Brynn.

  She would do anything for her sister. She has proved that more than enough. I respect that about her.

  I stand over in the corner, far back from the crowd. I don’t really want to draw any attention to myself. Ariana turns the lights off and shuts the blinds. I can still hear the music playing on low. A soft beat barely thumping in the small area. It takes an awkward couple of minutes and some random laughter before we finally hear a car pull up outside. It’s the unmistakable sound of Chad’s old mustang. I can’t stand the guy but he does have a nice ride. I’m not really in the mood to get into with him tonight so I hope he doesn’t start shit. I'm not a starter but I promise to finish it if he does.

  When the door opens slowly, ringing the bell above it, I feel my heart begin to race. When she’s standing fully in the doorway, the shouts of surprise surround me. I forget to say it myself. When the lights are back on, I can see that Brynn is being consumed by hugs. She looks even more gorgeous now than she did earlier today. She is wearing a short, white dress. It flows and a perfect fit for the beach. Her long blonde hair is down in waves and filled with flowers of every color. From afar, she looks like a Greek goddess. Aphrodite is exactly who she reminds me of.

  “Oh, my God, Ariana!” She exclaims with a perfect, white smile. Douchebag stands behind her protectively, not looking happy.

  “Thank you so much, sister!” Brynn sings.

  I hear a chorus of congratulations and even some clapping their hands. I sink into the wall behind me, hoping to blend my six-foot frame into it. Before I can disappear, Brynn’s eyes find me. Her reaction isn’t exactly what I thought it would be. Her smile grows wider when she sees me. It calms my racing heart. She walks over to me, working her way through the crowd and people stopping her to pat her on the back. I lean against the wall and cross my arms across my chest. Trying to stay cool and collected. Ariana glances behind her and sees what is transpiring. She grabs Brynn’s boyfriend by the arm and leads him over to the drink table. I’m thankful for her.

  When she reaches me I debate on what I should say. Words escape me. Up close she looks exhausted, dark circles ringing her eyes.

  “How are you doing?” She asks me and I’m asking her the same thing inside of my mind.

  “Doing great. Can’t complain.” That’s a lie and she knows me well enough to see right through it.

  “I’m so proud of you, Cohen.” She says quietly, reaching down to grab my hand. I don’t pull away.

  “I am proud of you too, Brynn. I’m glad I can celebrate with you tonight.” I respond honestly.

  “I can’t believe Ariana put all this together for me. She is something else.” She searches through the crowd to find her sister and smiles fondly to herself.

  “She really is. You are very lucky to have someone like her in your corner.” I’ve started to grow a fond appreciation for Ariana. She really is an amazing woman. After all, she’s been through, she persists.

  “And you…” She looks up at me expectantly. But I’m not sure how she wants me to react. Her eyes look sad. I want to tell her that of course, she has me. I know that she is already aware of that fact. A part of me believes she just enjoys playing games with me.

  “Can we go someplace quiet to talk?” She asks and I nod my head in respond.

  She pulls me through the back and out the door. It is starting to get a little chilly out and she doesn’t have a coat on. Mine is draped across my arm so I throw it around her shoulders. She slides her thin arms inside. It completely swallows her tiny figure.

  “Thank you.” She whispers.

  “Anytime. So, what did you want to talk about?” I’m anxious to hear why she called me out here.

  “I wanted to apologize…” She starts and I feel like I’ve heard this same sentence before. DéjàVu hits me full force.

  “For?” I try to drag more out of her. My ego is beginning to swell and it causes me to become kind of a jerk. I attempt to reel it in.

  “I’m just trying to figure out who I am, Cohen. It isn’t that you aren’t an amazing guy. You know you’re an amazing guy. We all know it. But I want to live a little. I don’t want to settle down just for the sake of settling down. Truthfully, I’m scared to do that. I can’t be meant to have something so great.” The honesty begins to pour from her mouth and I’m taken aback by her admission. She’s never really spoken so up front about her feelings before.

  “I’m not trying to push you into settling down with me,” I respond. I don’t want her to feel backed into a corner. Nobody is forcing her to be with me just because it's the safe option. I don’t want to be anybody’s safe option. I want her to want to be with me. More than anything I've ever wanted. Unfortunately, I don't think we are on the same page.

  “I know that. It isn’t just you. Deep down I know that what I’m doing now isn’t good. I stay with Chad because he’s exciting. When he acts wild, it’s enthralling. It frees my mind from my past. But you’re a reminder of everything. You make me feel, where he numbs me. Right now, I prefer numbness. It’s sick, I know.” Her words cut me to the core.

  “But you can’t go through life that way, Brynn. Believe me, I’m learning that for myself. You should live and a part of living is feeling. The good, the bad and everything in between. Someone who makes you feel will change your whole world. Instead of numbing out the bad times, you need to be with someone who will love you through them. I could be that person for you. I won’t be a last resort though or the runner-up.” I am starting to get angry at the realization that I have really wasted a lot of time staying so caught up in someone who I knew never really reciprocated feelings the same way. I can’t blame her though. I wanted her so badly that I forced myself to see something that’s never been there.

  “I can go through life; however, I want, Cohen. I am the author of my life.” She responds frustrated.

  “You need a fucking plotting class then, Brynn. You’ve been writing yourself off.” I retort bitterly. I’ve been hearing about the drugs she’s started dabbling into.

  “Mind your own business. Nobody asked you, Cohen.” She screams and puts her finger on my chest. This has escalated quickly.

  “Oh no? You mean you didn’t call me out here to ask me? I know that you force me into being the bad guy by being a good friend and telling you the truth about yourself when you don’t want to see or admit it. I’m the good angel on your shoulder, Brynn. But you go for the fucking devil. It’s always been that way. I can’t understand it.” Before I can say anything more, she turns around and storms inside. It doesn’t surprise me. She doesn’t ever like to hear about herself if it isn’t in the white light.

  I stand outside for a couple of minutes to calm down. I guzzle down the rest of my beer and throw away the can in the dumpster nearby. I’m debating just hopping on my bike and taking off but then I remember that Brynn has my jacket on. It has some sentimental value so I need to get it back. It was my dad’s. Aft
er a couple of deep breaths and pacing back and forth, I walk over to the door and step back inside. The music is not pumping loudly. I walk in, stopping at the drink station and grab a water instead of another beer. I’ve never been a huge drinker but one is good here and there.

  Brynn is back over by Chad and Ariana. I say hello to a few people who I recognize from the tattoo parlor and walk over to where they are.

  “Hey, I’m taking off. I have another engagement. Thanks for having me.” I say directly to Ariana, avoiding eye contact with Brynn. I open my arms for a hug and she surprisingly steps in. I give her a quick hug and release her. I turn towards Brynn and Chad.

  “Congratulations again.” I try to muster up a sincere smile but a fake one comes across. Chad smiles a shit eating grin and I want to knock his yellowed teeth in. I don’t know what she sees in him. Instead, I smirk back.

  “Can I get my jacket?” I speak again because she doesn’t respond and the silence is getting awkward. She angrily starts to shrug out of it.

  “What the fuck babe? Why are you wearing his jacket?” The douchebag speaks angrily and grips her by the arm, shaking her tiny frame. I don’t like it one bit.

  “Get your fucking hands off her.” I lightly shove him backward.

  “She’s mine. I can do whatever I want to her. Isn’t that right baby?” He turns to look at Brynn and she just puts her head down. This isn’t at all the person that I know. I’m disgusted by the interaction between the two of them.

  “I was taught never to bend the petals on a rose. Do you need a lesson dude?” I spit through my teeth. I’m seething at this point.

  “Nah, I’m good. But could you give me a lesson on friend zone one oh one? I hear that’s your area of ability.” He responds and my first connects with his jaw a split second after. I can’t stop myself from the rage that unleashes inside of me.

  Before I can hit him again I’m pulled back, not sure from who.

  “Get him out of here.” I hear Ariana say, I turn towards her to apologize when I realize she isn’t looking at me. I’m pleased to see some of her friends drag Chad out the door and throw him down on the pavement.

  “What the fuck? He hit me!” I can hear him shouting as the door slams. I’m released and the red I was seeing begins to fade. I see a flash of blonde hair run up the stairs and I turn to follow. Ariana stops me by placing her hand on my forearm.

  “I’ll take care of it, Cohen. Honestly, I think it’s probably best if you take off too. I hate to say that but I know she will reach out to you when she’s ready.” I nod my head solemnly in agreement. I grab my jacket from the ground where Brynn dropped it, throwing it on and say goodbye to everyone before heading out the door.

  I decide to head to the beach party and clear my head. I think some fun without any drama could do me some good. When I get there, I’m greeted by most of the senior class. There is a huge bonfire going down a little closer to the water. I walk down the hill and find a quiet spot in the sand. One of my exes, Myranda, saunters over to where I am. Her red hair is up in a high ponytail and her face is bare. I always admired her natural beauty. Her freckles are one of my favorite parts. She sits down next to me in the sand and extends a beer to me. I decline. I’m not sure getting into a drunk mindset is a good idea tonight. My adrenaline is still pulsing through my body.

  “No thanks.” I smile. We haven’t spoken too much since our split. We didn’t date for very long but she was pretty into me. I really enjoyed spending time with her but saw her on more of a friend level than she deserved. I truly believe she deserves to be with someone who only sees her. She's not my one.

  “No problem. How’ve you been?” She attempts to make easy conversation. Her calm demeanor has a relaxing effect on me.

  “Tonight has been a bit rough, but I’m feeling a little better already,” I answer honestly. She smiles and it’s illuminated by the fire.

  “I’m feeling the same way.” She places her hand gently on my back.

  We talk for a while and the conversation feels so easy. I wish things were this easy with Brynn. I want to tell her exactly how I’m feeling but every time I try, she shuts me out. I’m not sure how much time elapses, but I feel like we’ve been sitting here for hours when I realize she’s already finished the beer she had and the other she brought over for me. She gets up and dusts the sand from her ass before walking over to cooler to grab another drink. I find myself watching her as she walks away. She’s wearing short ripped jeans and a midriff baring top. I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t hot. I take a sip from the water bottle I brought.

  Myranda comes back over to me and sits down. I’m happy that she’s finding the company with me enjoyable because sitting here and wallowing alone isn't my idea of a good time. We engage in more conversation when I hear a familiar voice laughing. Brynn must have made her way to the party. I search around the beach for her. It’s dark outside at this point and only the moonlight and fire are keeping the area lit. I see her down by the water, Chad nowhere to be found. She’s instead surrounded by football players. They seem to be cheering her on. Myranda realizes what I’m looking at and asks, “So you’re still stuck on Brynn huh?”

  “Well, I wouldn’t exactly put it that way.” I scoff even though it’s true.

  “Put it however you want to, Cohen. You’ve got it bad. But you deserve better.” She responds and places her hand gently on my bicep. I feel a little jolt.

  “No offense to you. But she is literally the perfect girl.” I tell her. Brynn is everything I’ve ever wanted.

  “Keyword there…girl. You need a woman.” She says before reaching up to caress my face. She kisses me and all my thoughts disappear. She is an amazing kisser. But something just feels off. I don’t want to use her just to escape my thoughts. That’s not fair to her. I pull away. She lets out a loud sigh.

  “I can’t, Myranda. You’re amazing, you really are. But you are the one who deserves better.”

  “You’re a great guy Cohen. If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.” She smiles and then stands to walk away. I let her.

  I sit in silence on the beach and watch from afar as Brynn laughs and splashes at the edge of the water. My mind drifts back to memories of us. To that moment when I fell in love with a girl, a cootie filled girl. Her hair the color of the sun and eyes bluer than the ocean. I’ve never actually been to the ocean. But I vowed to someday take her there. I stand up and brush myself off. I’ve finally come to the realization that we will never be going there together. With one last glance backward, I decide that I need to move forward with my life. I will finish the apprenticeship at the tattoo parlor for the year with Ariana and then I’m gone. I walk away from her. I will let her come to me. I’m tired of chasing.

  Chapter 5

  Age 19

  It’s been four months now since I arrived at Art school and ran away from it all. I’m finally acclimating to life around here and coming to grips that Brynn isn’t coming back. I never attempted to reach out to Ari after that day. I’ve picked up the phone, dialed her number and slammed it promptly down. Thinking about her makes me want to take another swig out of the vodka bottle that stays practically glued to my side while I’m in my apartment. I put on a good façade while at school. All artists have a weird quirk, I make the shakes seem like mine. It’s hard for me to even draw a straight line so I make everything look abstract. Pushing it off on those around me as if it has a meaning. My art mimics how I feel. I can't seem to lift myself up this time.

  My mom begged me to come back to town for Brynn’s funeral but I just couldn’t do it. I chose to celebrate her life in a way that mirrored it. Passed out in a pile of my own puke in the middle of a party. Visions of her and I dancing through my head while I was at the hospital getting my stomach pumped. I haven’t exactly made the best impression around here. Some think I’m just really living out the college life, partying like there’s no tomorrow. If only they really knew. A part of me wishes this was my last day. That th
is pain would subside and stop eating away at me.

  I wish I gave a fuck again. I don’t like me now, I can’t imagine anyone else would. Somehow, I'm still managing to attract the opposite sex. Something about a broken man must call out to some women. I’ve been filling my void temporarily, getting lost inside each of them. They don’t last long though. Once they realize that I’m not going to commit to them, they’re gone. It works out well for me. Keeps my demons at bay for a bit longer. It makes me feel almost human again. I’m no longer in the business of hurting people, myself not included. My thoughts have strayed away from jumping off the ledge, it’s a long way down. But that doesn’t mean I’m just going to forget.

  After a long day of classes, I’m ready to just let loose tonight. I frequent this club that’s down the road from my place. It’s easy to walk home when you’re wasted, a definite plus side. They rarely card since they’re not the most popular place. Not that it is difficult to get a drink around here in general. It’s a college town, so there is always a party going on somewhere. When I’m really in the mood to lose myself, I prefer this place though. A lot of regulars frequent the place and nobody bothers me. When I’m in a mood like now, this is the perfect place for me.

  I don’t spend a lot of time getting ready for the night. A quick shower and a hand run through my hair. I dress in normal everyday wear. As I’m looking in the mirror, the dark circles around my eyes look more prevalent. My hair is unruly, long and almost reaches my chin when wet. Right now, it is sticking up all over the place. Stubble outlines the length of my jaw and I realize I could use a good shave. I splash some cold water on my face, turn the faucet off and head over to the door. I grab my keys and toss them in my pocket. When I open the door, I come face to face with someone I never would have expected. I almost run smack dab into her. She looks so fucking beautiful. Even with her hair piled on top of her head, face bare and swimming in a baggy sweater.

  “Uh…” I mumble out. I’m not sure what to say. I wish I had a drink.