by Kennedy Fox
“Can we talk at least?” he asks.
“Oh…” I sarcastically laugh. “Now you want to talk after blowing me off for two days? Wow, how convenient for you. Hmm, let me think about it. No.” I walk around him, but he grabs my hand, pulling me back toward him. His warmth sends swarms of butterflies through my body. My head’s saying no, but my body’s saying yes. I have to be strong, though. There’s no excuse for him ignoring me, regardless of the situation. I’d never do that to him, especially after the intimate moments and open conversations we’ve shared.
“Please, Row…” He drops down on his knees and begs.
I frown at his pitiful expression. “You do realize that if my dad comes out here, you’re gonna be a dead man, right?”
“It’s worth the risk to explain myself to you.”
I let out a sigh. “You’ve got ten minutes of my time, then that’s it. I’m leaving.”
He looks around, the porch light casting a warm glow on his face. Diesel stands, and I take a step back before he grabs my hand and leads me down one of the trails behind my parents’ house.
In the distance, there’s a clearing where a four-wheeler is parked. No wonder I didn’t see his truck. The moonlight splashes shadows on the ground, and the warm summer breeze brushes against my cheeks. I try to keep my attention from him and look up at the moon.
“Rowan,” he whispers. “I have a lot to tell you.”
“You better get to talkin’ because your time is running out,” I snap, finally gazing into his eyes, seeing the hurt and frustration in them. “Riley told me you got one of your random Vegas hookups pregnant. So how about we start from there?”
He nods. “Her name is Chelsea. Her sister, Laurel, wrote me a letter saying I had a son, but I ignored it and brushed it off as a joke.”
My eyes widen with shock.
“I know, I know. I should’ve reached out to her, but I didn’t. Not much I can do about that now. Anyway, Laurel showed up at the ranch a few days ago and explained her sister had a baby, and is certain it’s mine. She’s struggling financially to raise him, but thought I deserved to know I have a son.”
I watch him fidget with the hem of his shirt. “Okay, then what?”
“I got her address and flew to Phoenix to figure it all out. It didn’t seem like a conversation to have over the phone, especially if she didn’t want me knowing in the first place.”
“And? How’d that go?” My heart hammers in my chest.
“She wasn’t happy to see me at first and was annoyed that Laurel reached out to me, but she came around to the idea of knowing. I told her I wanted to take responsibility if he was mine, so I took a paternity test while I was there. The results won’t be back for a week, so I won’t know for sure, but he’s the spitting image of me.”
Diesel’s words gut me. As crazy as it sounds, a part of me wanted to be the only woman who gave him a child. I’ve thought about what it would be like to start a family with him. How many kids we’d have. How me and Riley’s children would grow up together. It’s almost as if I’m mourning my fantasy, something I thought about once I realized my feelings for him. Those dreams feel demolished now.
I nod, trying to keep my emotions from spilling out. If it’s his son, I don’t want to be negative about it and make him choose between a new relationship and being a dad. “Maybe it’s better that it happened this way, you know? Maybe we were never meant to last, and it was another shitty way for me to learn that I shouldn’t trust men and the empty promises they give me. Or maybe it’s the whole better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all kind of situation. Either way, you have a child and a family to take care of now, Diesel. I think it’s best if you focus on that right now instead of us.”
Diesel grimaces and shakes his head, actually looking hurt and surprised by my words. “Are you serious, Rowan? You’re just gonna walk away?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I glare at him. “You have a family to focus on now. There’s no point in starting something new when you have unfinished business to take care of.” I’m so hurt that nothing he could say right now could mend my heart.
“A family? I have a kid, not a wife. I don’t want Chelsea. You know who I want? Who I’ve always fucking wanted? You, Rowan. You. You’re the woman I dream about every single night and have since I was a teenager. I just finally got you, and there’s no way I’m going to allow this to wreck what we have. I’m not giving up on you or us. I won’t.”
I cross my arms over my chest, retreating a step. While I appreciate his effort, it’s not enough right now. “I’m not getting in the middle of this, Diesel. You need to be there for your son. You need to build a bond with him because you haven’t been in his life. And who knows, maybe once you and Chelsea are around each other, sparks will fly again. There must’ve been an attraction between you, or you would’ve never fucked her in Vegas. I’m not stupid, okay? Y’all connected enough to make a baby, so you need to focus on getting to know the mother of your child and co-parenting. Trust me when I say I’ll only get in the way, and I don’t want to live with that.” The tears build, but I push them away. I will not allow him to see how much this actually pains me. I can’t.
“I can do both, Row. I can be a father, and I can be with you.” He inches closer. “Please, let me prove it to you.”
I tighten my jaw, wishing he would allow me to just walk away. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he’s making this much harder than it should be. I know I’m doing the right thing, even if it’s breaking me in the process, and he doesn’t agree.
“I’m not sure about that. You never replied back to my messages, Diesel. You ignored me for nearly three days after the most amazing night we had together. That meant something to me, and then you basically ghosted me. If it hadn’t been for my brother telling me, I would’ve thought something horrible happened to you. It made me feel like I was just another hookup, and it meant nothing to you. For hours, I racked my brain on what went wrong, but all along, it was you being selfish. I poured my heart out to you, which you know wasn’t easy for me, yet you still didn’t feel the need to tell me what was going on. The moment I found out the truth, from someone who wasn’t you, is the moment you walked away. And that’s okay. I’ll be just fine, and so will you.”
“I should’ve told you,” he says. “For that, I’m so goddamn sorry. I was so scared this would ruin us, and it looks like I fucked it up anyway.” He lifts his hat, runs his fingers through his hair, then sets it back on. “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. What can I do to fix this?”
Blinking, I stare at his lips, then back to his green eyes. “At this point? Nothing.” My mind’s made up. “If he’s your son, you’ll be talking to her all the time, and what if you start seeing her differently or she starts having feelings for you? I’d constantly feel like I’m getting in the way of you being with your son and you two being a family. Then we all risk getting hurt, and I won’t be the other woman in this scenario. I’m sorry, Adam.” I turn and begin walking down the trail.
“Row,” I hear him say, but I don’t stop. “Rowan, please give me another chance.” I keep moving forward, knowing I can’t turn around because I may not be strong enough to deny his pleas. This is the right thing to do with what’s going on in his life. Leaving him before he can leave me is what has to happen because deep down, it feels inevitable.
As I continue putting one foot in front of the other, tears begin to fall in streams. A week ago, I would’ve never imagined I’d be breaking it off with him, but here we are. From now on, I’ll guard my heart with everything I am and not trust men so easily. Not even those who I’ve known nearly all my life.
Chapter Fifteen
DIESEL
It’s been one week since the paternity test, and the results come right on time. I call Chelsea when I receive them to let her know. Dawson’s mine, but after seeing him in the flesh, there were no doubts. He’s a mini version of me, down to his eye color. When she get
s off work later in the day, she calls me back.
“I was thinking that maybe you and Dawson could come out and visit the ranch soon,” I suggest.
There’s silence on the other line.
“Ya there?” I ask.
There’s hesitation in her voice. “Yeah, I just don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Chelsea, it’s really important to me. I want him to know my roots, where I grew up, what I do for a living. Who knows, he might enjoy the ranch life much better than the city life anyway.”
“No,” she snaps. “See, this is what I was afraid of, that you’d expect me to uproot my entire life and move away from my family to Texas. Maybe this—”
“Hey. I’m not asking you to move here. I just want you to visit for the weekend. I have a spare bedroom you two can stay in. I’ll show you around the ranch and introduce you to my family and friends. I haven’t told my parents yet, but I know they’re gonna be super excited to know they’re grandparents. They’ll want to spoil him rotten.”
She lets out a ragged breath. “Okay, but we can really only come for a weekend. I’ll have to fly out late Friday afternoon after I get off work and leave Sunday. I don’t have many vacation days left.”
“I understand. Let me know the details, and I’ll be happy to book it for you. And Chelsea?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for giving me a chance to be his father,” I tell her.
“You’re welcome. Thank you for wanting to be. He deserves a good man in his life.”
“I know you’re concerned about it and probably think me finding out is a mistake, but I’m gonna do the best I can. I really don’t know how to be a parent, but I want my son to know me, and my life, and where he comes from. The last thing I want is for Dawson to grow up thinking he has a deadbeat dad who didn’t want him.” Because I most definitely do.
“I don’t think it was a mistake. But it’s still new for all of us, and I was blindsided by you just showing up. While I want Dawson to get to know you, I need to as well. There’s so much that’s in the dark right now. You’re a stranger to me, Diesel. We had sex three years ago and haven’t spoken or seen each other since. I don’t even remember what we talked about beforehand.”
I laugh. “So you’re saying it wasn’t monumental?”
She snorts. “Oh my God. Men. I’ll look up the flights and let you know.”
“Sounds good,” I tell her. We say our goodbyes, and I end the call, then stare up at the ceiling of the kitchen. My life is a goddamn mess.
Instead of staying home, I decide to go to the B&B and see what Maize cooked for dinner. I’m starving, and her food is the best in all of Eldorado. Well, after Grandma Bishop’s.
When I walk in, I spot Rowan who looks at me and immediately turns. She’s still being distant and pretending I don’t exist. If it weren’t such a serious matter, I’d say it’s cute, but I know better. I hurt her, and just as I promised, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her, as long as she doesn’t move on before I can.
The night we had together in San Angelo was unforgettable. Being with her in such an intimate way was everything I ever dreamed it would be and more, then in a snap, it was ruined. I should’ve told her what was going on as soon as I found out, but I didn’t know where to begin. Would it have changed anything? I’m not so sure. Rowan acted like she was a homewrecker or something, which is insane because I don’t even know Chelsea or want her. Rowan’s the only woman I’ve ever wanted, and now she’s slipped through my fingers.
“Hey,” I say, looking at Maize, then glancing at Rowan.
“What’re you doing here?” Maize asks with judgment in her eyes.
“Thought I’d stop and grab some dinner,” I say truthfully.
Rowan continues on as if I’m invisible and speaks directly to Maize. “Well, I gotta go to work. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She walks away, and I can smell the hint of her shampoo as she leaves.
I try to act as if I’m not gutted, but it’s hard as hell. I don’t know what to say or do. No one besides Wyatt knew we were together, and if I acted any other way, they’d all become overly suspicious.
Maize glares at me as she tucks loose strands of hair behind her ear. Flour is on the sleeves of her shirt, and she looks like she’s had a rough day. “Don’t you know how to cook?”
“Grandma B told me I could help myself anytime I wanted. Should I call her and ask?” I taunt. Maize knows her grandma gave an open invitation to all of the workers on the ranch.
She groans and walks away, mumbling something under her breath. I grab a plate, fill it full of beef tips, rice, and brown gravy, then I stack a roll on top of my delicious pile and find a seat. Riley walks in and looks at me. I tell him hey, but my mouth is full, and it comes out garbled.
He sits and glares at me. “You know why my sister’s pissed all the time?”
I nod and swallow. “Maybe she’s on her period?”
“Dude.” He groans, but his eyes don’t leave mine. It’s more than obvious he’s suspicious. “You sure you don’t know?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. Why?” I press, taking a huge bite of meat.
“Last week, I told her where you were, that you had a kid and all of that, and she’s been moody and strange ever since. I started piecing some things together.” He leans forward. “Diesel, I swear to fucking God if you messed with my sister, I will chop off your dick and shove it down your throat.”
“Jesus…” I say, not having the words to be able to deny it. “Why the hell are you threatenin’ my junk?”
He narrows his gaze at me, looking as though he’s ready to murder me and hide my body. “I’m serious. She was upset and distant. She’s been so freaking odd since you got back, and I have a feeling the common denominator here is you. If I find out you touched her, I will kick your ass to San Antonio and back. I’m not even kidding.”
“Riley. You need to chill out. Geez. First of all, Rowan is a grown ass woman who doesn’t need you making rules for her. Second, I don’t know what’s going through her head right now. I try to talk to her, and she ignores me, but then again, what else is new?” I leave out the part where I’ve texted her every single day since our chat on the trail, and she’s ignored all of them. Nothing can shake her stance on this, but I’m determined to break her down. I’ve done it once, and I know I can do it again. Rowan’s gonna have to try a lot harder to keep me away because I’m not giving up on her or us, ever. What we have is real, and we both know it.
He glares at me just as his uncle Jackson walks through the back door, causing a much-needed distraction from this conversation. “What’re you boys doin’?”
“Eatin’,” I say, but that much is obvious as I stuff another spoonful into my mouth.
“Don’t tell Maize, but I came to get a few slices of apple pie. Mama told me she baked a few for the guests tonight, and I haven’t been able to stop thinkin’ about it.” He grins, walks over to the buffet, and grabs an entire pan, not just a few pieces like he said. When he turns around, Maize is standing there with her hands on her hips and nostrils flared. She’s actually pretty damn scary when she’s in a mood.
“What do you think you’re doing, Uncle Jackson?”
I snort, but she’s seriously pissed.
“That’s no way to speak to your most favorite uncle now, is it?” He gives her a wink, then walks past her and leaves.
Maize’s mouth falls open, then she turns and looks at us. “This—all of this—is for the guests. I don’t need y’all eatin’ everything when we have a full house. I’m gonna have to start making double.”
Riley snickers. “I don’t know why you haven’t done that already. Nothing’s changed, Maze.”
“Shut. Up,” she barks, then storms into the kitchen.
“I’m telling you, they’re all experiencing the time of month at the same time,” I quip, and Riley shakes his head before standing.
“Guess I should get going. Honestly, I came to ge
t one of those apple pies too.” He walks over and grabs one, leaving only one for the guests. Maize comes around the corner, and Riley takes off running with her right behind him. I can hear commotion through the living room, and eventually, she comes back huffing and puffing.
“At least I’m not that bad,” I tell her as she walks by.
“I’d murder you if you were. I deal with them because I have to,” she says matter-of-factly before disappearing out of sight.
I chuckle, finish eating, and set my perfectly cleaned plate in the dish tub before leaving. On my way out to the truck, I decide to go home, take a shower, and go to bed early. I have a ton of shit to do at work tomorrow, and though it’s hard, I’m trying to give Rowan some space.
The next day, I’m in the saddle all day long rounding up cattle and moving them to another pasture. It might be late August, but it’s still hot as hell outside. The temperature isn’t expected to drop for a few more months, but we’re prepping for winter already. Barns are full of hay, and I’ve made sure to get extra grain for the cows for when the grass completely dies. Today, Riley didn’t ride my ass or even mention his sister, so I’m hoping the conversation we had yesterday eased his mind. Though I didn’t completely lie to him, it wasn’t the whole truth, which I hate, but he can’t find out yet.
While I don’t want Rowan and me to stay a secret, if she refuses to give me another chance, that might be how it goes. Though it’ll be extremely hard for me to accept.
After work, I go home to clean up, then head up to the bar. Rowan may not want to see me, but it’s killing me not to see her. Even if she gives me shit or ignores me, it’s better than nothing at all. I put on the baseball cap I know she loves, spray some cologne I also know she loves, and dress in a T-shirt, jeans, and boots.