The Nerd Turned Conqueror: A Fantasy Harem Adventure

by Oscar Reeds

  “Something on your mind?” Norman uncharacteristically asked first. Other than bewilderment to that fact, I was more or less feeling down, which is what I told him.

  “You see, Norman, weeks ago I wouldn’t have given a shit if I wound up here,” I said. “My father would be the same douche that kept hitting me, hurting me, yelling at me… and I’d have no friends to speak of. Nobody would’ve missed me. But now I have a whole host of friends, and all of them care about me…even Melissa.”

  Norman really did not care for this, I could tell.

  “Kid, friends are just one more detail to factor into fighting. It’s good to have them, but you can’t exactly be a warrior and think about the safety of twenty people at the same time.”

  “Are you saying it’s best for me not to have friends?”

  “That’s how I’d go about my days.”

  That kind of saddened me a little. Was Norman just like me? Was that why I found the amulet in the first place?

  But I had no time to contemplate on that for long. We were all but there, in the sorcerer’s lair. Vigelan was not a typical Herren monk, Norman said, as we approached. He was, I think, even a little nervous to be doing this. Vigelan managed to break away from several important Herren traditions, one of those being directly involving oneself in war unless provoked. He must have had a different agenda to the one espoused by his order. Just looking at him work at his kitchen table (yes, we were peeking through his kitchen window) gave off a vibe that he wasn’t following any rules. His hands moved about erratically, with some forethought and no real care or attention. He was not paying much attention to spillage, nor did he measure his ingredients properly. He struck me as an eccentric cook making a culinary masterpiece live on television, with years of on-hand experience showing and him having none of the stiffness an average cook might have had.

  His house was atop a little hillock, and in order to get to him, we would either have to climb his stairs or scale the hillock. It wasn’t a tall hillock, but with the increased pressure underground and his many, many defensive magicks in the air, it was still a daunting task.

  So I climbed and I climbed and I climbed. Minutes later I was close enough to his house that I could reach the foundation. However, at that point, the absolute unthinkable happened. We must have been very close to the surface at this point, considering my phone just went off, notification after notification – missed calls, missed Snaps, Facebook messages, regular messages, voice messages, e-mails, the lot. My friends were clearly worried about me, so they tried everything. Unfortunately, my phone’s volume was on and, because of the cavernous echo, very high. A millisecond later I felt a powerful blast fling me into the next hillock over. Vigelan knew we were there.

  “Well now, fancy meeting you here, Emperor of the Stars,” he said mockingly. However, I did like that nickname quite a lot. “I wonder where your Sylvan allies are.”

  I said nothing. The pain I was feeling was unbearable and I still couldn’t see the bastard due to the dust not settling. After it did, he was STILL at his table, but looking at me and grinning like a madman. He looked old from that position, but not as old as I imagined him to be.

  “Or maybe the Grunts decided that their deal with me was off? Is that it?” he kept mixing his potions, while gusts of powerful magic assailed me. Magic, more importantly, I couldn’t copy for some reason, but could deflect here and there.

  “Oh, they aren’t here,” I said. “I came here alone.”

  His laughter was so goddamn irritating it hurt me more than the spells.

  “You humans really are wonderful,” he snickered like a fox. “Imagine that – you, facing me alone. Oh how I’d love to see that! You can’t even face my default spells, boy!”

  THESE were his defaults? Fucking hell! But I still had to do something. I pressed Norman for help.

  “Norman, let me copy his powers.”

  No surge came.

  “Norman, what’s wrong? Can’t I copy them?”

  “Sorry, kid,” he said, though he didn’t really seem worried like he did earlier. More content and at peace than worried. “His power is of the kind you can’t really comprehend.”

  “Really? That’s your only answer?”

  “I could try and explain it away to you, but it would take a decade.”

  I kept deflecting his power, but then had an idea.

  “Norman, allow me to synergize all of my current and future powers to the best of their benefits.”

  He grinned. A very wide, very toothy grin at that. And at that point I felt the biggest surge yet, one that felt too painful, yet too natural not to be a part of who I was. It was most likely a surge I had needed since day one.

  And thus, I was ready. Using my tech knowledge and my super-speed, I instinctively began to teleport my own body away from where the spells were hitting. In less than a nanosecond I was on the opposite side of the epicenter. But the magic followed me around, and I had to teleport several times, at several different locations. My telekinesis helped me lift an entire subterranean mountain in a flash, and upon eloping another magical swipe, I threw the whole mountain from the air so that it could drop on top of the sorcerer.

  It was a direct hit, but it wasn’t a victory. An entire shield formed around the hillock, and though the house was now a mess and the sorcerer in rags, he was still alive, and – it seemed – more joyful and erratic than ever.

  “Oh, I love you, kid!” he shouted like a crazy person. “I knew there was something more to you than that feeble human intellect! Tell me, who are you sharing powers with?”

  Shit. Did he know about Norman? Did he have a way of eliminating Norman from existence? And what was I going to do now?

  “Maybe I do, fella,” I directed a fast series of aerial kicks and punches, but none penetrated the force field, “but then again, why should I share?”

  “You shouldn’t,” he grinned and twisted his body. “But it wouldn’t even matter anyway. You see, I am not the one who will be fighting you.”

  This statement made me stammer a bit.

  “Wh-what? Then who?”

  A maniacal laughter arose. This was not particularly pleasant to listen to, so, enraged, I did what I thought unreal – I combined nearly every spell I had learned via my abilities and launched an undetermined ball of pure power at his shields. Somewhat oddly, they cracked, leaving the Herren exposed. He did not expect that, yet STILL he didn’t flinch or get frightened.

  “Damn,” he said, twisting his fingers, “you are really something, Conrad. I must admit, I was planning on merely watching, but this…this is a golden opportunity for me to beat you, and then enjoy Staerg burn your world to pieces!”

  That name made Norman jerk in reaction. Whoever or whatever Staerg was, it wasn’t good news, and if someone as old and seasoned as Norman was worried, I had to keep on my toes.

  “And what the hell is Staerg?” I asked, launching successful magic attacks coupled with telekinetic acceleration and strategically placed teleports.

  “I suppose I could tell you,” the mage snorted, approaching me and deflecting every attack. We conversed during our entire battle, and it felt like forever doing that. “Staerg is an ancient being, a beast beyond beasts, a god unto gods, and his judgment will be the planet’s undoing. He is power incarnate, and nothing I can do can come remotely close to his might!” He swiped at me with some pretty fierce air slashes. Now I could heal faster, considering I synced my double-healing abilities. “And since you can barely stand your ground against me, I doubt you’d do better in a one-on-one battle against Staerg.”

  “You’re really a fucking bore, do you know that?” I could tell that this taunt of mine didn’t really faze him. “Oh, and just to point out a fact – literally millions of people told me that I was no match for them. And here I am, a ruler of nine planets.”

  He grinned again.

  “Oh, how adorable…you think you control the Earth.”


  His eyes turned into a ghastly color. I had no idea what was coming, but I wasn’t about to sit still and take it. I strategically teleported myself left and right, avoiding any spark of power that was leaking out of this lunatic. But then I realized that there was one thing I could do to beat him. A thing I was really, really, REALLY not going to like.

  “Norman?” I asked.

  “What?”

  “Can I use my spatial powers, like, anywhere?”

  He was confused.

  “For example, can I teleport in a space smaller than myself?”

  “I guess, but bear in mind, you will still be the same size, so either the place crashes around you, or you crash within it.”

  That was all I needed to hear.

  “Thanks, Norman. I apologize for what’s to come.”

  He was confused, but it didn’t take long for me to clear up what I meant. During Vigelan’s dumb little exhibition, I concentrated my damnedest, and after intense effort, I teleported myself one more time…

  …aiming for the inside of his stomach.

  It happened in a span of nanoseconds. My body was travelling its usual route when teleporting, only to find itself squeezed into the space barely the size of a slightly limp balloon. It took half a nanosecond for the body to expand, the stomach to burst, and for Vigelan to be split in half, shrieking in pain horrifically and losing all of his magic for a moment. I had done possibly the goriest thing in my life, and it showed – I puked for a good half a minute after it. My clothing was covered in blood, bile, and shit. Next to me were the fidgeting legs and lower torso of the Herren monk, jerking while away from their owner, who was on the other side writhing. After I settled, I approached him and spoke to Norman again.

  “He is weakened. Can I take his powers now?”

  “No. He’s still of knowledge you’re too frail to understand.”

  A short thought, and I had it.

  “What is the highest percentage of his abilities that I can copy and learn, if I put in all of my effort?”

  “I’d say 90%, at most, and even that is dangerous.”

  “Irrelevant.”

  Another surge came, but this one was different. It hurt so damn bad, I felt my teeth would be yanked out of my jaw. My arms were nearly twisting, and every nerve in my skin screamed for relief. But strangely enough, Vigelan felt the same thing. Well, aside from his disembowelment, I mean.

  A full minute later I had the powers I needed. And goddamn, they were raw! They weren’t even integrating themselves with my other abilities. There was indeed something dark, almost eldritch about them. I decided to look down upon the man I had just beaten. To my surprise, he was still defiantly laughing.

  “You think you’ve won, Conrad of the Stars?” he mocked. I said nothing, merely staring at his soon-to-be-corpse. “You pathetic oaf! The only winner is Staerg!”

  I have no idea how I didn’t notice the gigantic sphere rising above my head, but it was now the size of a building. The veins and scales on it were showing that it was a living being, and much to my surprise and, to an extent, disinterest due to popular culture, it was a dragon. A fully-winged, fully scaly, fire-breathing and spike-riddled dragon. That dragon right there was, I concluded, Staerg, and his immense growth opened up the ground above us. We were again on the surface, but for the first time in a while, I wished I had been on any other planet than Earth.

  Chapter 13

  Staerg took a while to fully form, but when he did, he was the size of Burj Khalifa. There are just no words to describe how it actually fucking feels when a goddamn dragon is staring you down. Or rather, staring down an entire town!

  The US military, after they had had their asses deflowered by yours truly, tried their best to go at this creature, but every bomb and every bullet just found its way back to its original owner, killing or injuring him. But they were about to get some help. Now that I was on the surface, I teleported myself aboard my ship, where an entire gaggle of my friends waited. I wasn’t there to see them, though.

  “Iana, get the warrior Cybels on the line and tell them to teleport around two hundred thousand here. Fawkes, if you can hear me, contact Giraud and tell them to deploy those nega-bombers we’ve been testing. I’ll need about six. Penna, you’re in charge of ground troops. Make sure that Arduck brings seven or so battalions as backup. And someone call Endolande – I will need my children’s aid for this one.”

  “Sir,” Giraud called, sounding busy, “the nega-bombers will be ready in about three minutes. In the meantime, I suggest contacting Fistote. He might have an upgrade you’ll need.”

  Ah, Fistote. I almost forgot about that fucker. But more importantly, I needed to get something done first.

  “Norman, I want the ability to transfer any three powers permanently to other people.”

  “I’m glad you gave me a number there, champ” is what I heard him say while the surge was going strong. I provided my friends with the powers I figured they needed, and sat them down.

  “Janine, John, Gene, Tohrumi, Yukio, Greysticks, Petra, dad, and—” but Melissa wasn’t there. I sighed. “You guys, I’m so sorry for this. This is by far the biggest threat this planet has ever seen, and it’s my fault it’s here.”

  Tohrumi, of all people, smacked me across the forehead with an aerial punch.

  “Tohrumi?”

  “Why didn’t you call us?!” she shrieked, uncharacteristically loudly so. “We were worried to death!”

  “I wanted to, but I was underground and couldn’t use my powers!”

  The other girls barely calmed her down.

  “Janine, where is Danny?” I asked.

  “I sent him with one of the Girodians to one of your planets where they have a decent dog sanctuary.”

  I don’t remember seeing one during my conquest, but I assumed it was either on Clovier 5 or on Zoav. If anyone will have a sanctuary for dogs, it’s humans, despite their location in the cosmos.

  “I see. And Melissa?”

  “She asked to be dropped off in Norway,” Petra responded. I was still getting used to the new faces and body types I gave her and a few others. “And maybe we should’ve gone with her.”

  I sighed.

  “Petra…”

  “Your powers, your eavesdropping, your promiscuous behavior, you leaving and not even letting us know where you are…” I could tell this was swelling within her for a while now. “Prettier faces and bodies won’t make up for that, Conrad.”

  “I know, Petra…”

  “And neither will new powers!”

  “I know, Petra.”

  But then she embraced me.

  “Still, I can see now…I can see why Dwyer wanted you to have friends,” she smiled, and so did others. “I can tell that you still have some kindness in you, and I would want to keep being your friend after you’ve saved our world.”

  More surprisingly, Gene Ray approached me.

  “Look, I was…I didn’t like Dwyer constantly talking about you,” he sounded so honest in his words that I dared not interrupt. “I thought I was going to lose a friend. But I got myself one instead. Oh, and superpowers.”

  We shook hands.

  “I’m sorry I caused you so much grief, Gene,” after which I turned to John, who simply nodded.

  “And I’m sorry I talked behind your back,” he concluded.

  “Oh, and Conrad?”

  John’s short question got my attention quickly. He was grinning a lot.

  “Look, me bitching about my leg…I’m sorry. I know you didn’t mean to, and well…”

  We both nodded now. There was only one person left to talk to.

  “Hey, Bob,” I spoke to Haggard. He was still on edge.

  “Conrad, I hated you weak. I hate weak people in general, because I hate seeing weakness. But this town, it twisted that…I just… I’m not the best person, Conrad, and after our little mind dance, I can tell how much I hurt you, and it m
akes me feel sick.”

  We shook hands, and he struggled to welcome my smile.

  “Conrad, just beat that bastard, please,” he concluded, a little enraged. “I want to play some football tomorrow, and I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder for some dragon wang.”

  The dragon wang in question was still going strong. My vast army was now employed to fight him, but he didn’t let up. The nega-bombers attacked, but had no effect, and whatever Fistote had for my tech also failed. Staerg was clearly a league too far for everyone, and I was in a conundrum yet again: now that I saw my friends off as they teleported somewhere in Europe or Asia for safety, I was weighing my options. Either craft a massive army of dragons to fight him, or just face him myself. Norman spoke first.

  “The safest bet is to overwhelm him with dragons, kid,” he said. “Otherwise you’ll just be wasting energy on him.”

  “You have a point, Norman,” I said, standing up and cracking my fingers. “Which means that I have to face him myself.”

  During the teleport, Norman tried to scream into my ear what I must do and mustn’t do, and how crazy I was. I didn’t listen. I was airborne during the very powerful thunderstorm booming all about us, possibly the consequence of the dragon waking from his very long nap. I had to face him, and there we were – me in the air, atop one of my ships, and Staerg with his neck outstretched, staring at me and, very eerily, grinning like a mental patient.

  “Ah…” he said, with an old, deep and raspy voice, “little Thunderer…It has been a while.”

  I was terrified beyond belief, but not because of his words. Unlike many, this bastard could actually see Norman! And Norman knew it, which made him enraged.

  “Tell me, little Thunderer,” the Staerg continued, “what do they call you now? Thor? Odin?”

  “They call me…” my spirit friend began ominously, as thunder exploded behind him, “…Norman.”

  Staerg was not impressed.

  “I see, little Thunderer. What a plain name! But it doesn’t matter. Here we all are, once again, willing to do the dance of the dead!”