The Nerd Turned Conqueror: A Fantasy Harem Adventure

by Oscar Reeds

  “Hey, asshole!” I shouted at the massive beast, as it took a less-than-interest in me for that brief moment. “You’re fighting me.”

  He wasn’t fighting me. He flung me with his claws and I flew a few kilometers before barely containing myself via a teleport to a pillow factory. There was exhaustion from that punch. I felt as if I had just run a marathon.

  “Norman, how do we beat this guy?” I asked, stupidly, since I instantly knew what his answer was going to be.

  “I have no idea, you should figure it out.”

  “But you fought him before, ‘Thunderer!’”

  “Yeah, and I didn’t beat him.”

  Oh boy…

  “Fine, then. I guess I’ll just improvise.”

  Teleporting back, I began to throw all of my spells at the beast, but he felt nothing. Not even the eldritch ones I took from Vigelan. Speaking of, I spotted the half-man crawling towards the dragon’s feet, trying to call him with a sound-enhancing spell.

  “Great Staerg!” He was shouting incessantly. “Oh, master Staerg, grant me a new life!”

  The dragon looked down, and based on his grin and on Vigelan’s terrified expression, I knew what was coming next.

  “Grant you a new life?” the beast smirked. “Why, you’re not entitled to my services, you pathetic creature. Now be gone.”

  A great, undying flame came from the maw of Staerg, and in a very short time Vigelan was a pile of dust.

  “Thunderer…” the wyrm spoke, spotting us approaching from afar. From the ground, I launched lots of my punches and kicks, but much like with Vigelan, aerial fighting did nothing to the beast. I needed something else. But more importantly, I needed to fly.

  “Norman,” I said, hurriedly, as I was avoiding the dragon’s massive claws, “give me proportional dragon wings, four of them in total, which I can retract and pull out anytime I want, and make them regenerate!”

  Norman was confused.

  “That’s a complicated wish there, kid.”

  “Can you do it?”

  Norman merely smiled, and a surge later, I was airborne. Combined with all of my other abilities, flight now gave me more of an access to Staerg. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing with my telekinesis, but he kept on dodging me expertly. Then, at one point, I managed to approach him close enough to touch one of his scales. Much like I assumed it would, it burned the flesh off my hand. A pain I cannot even begin to describe, by the way.

  Flying and teleporting at a super-speed to safety, I let my hand heal properly. It took a bit longer, and I assume it was because the wound came from a being as powerful as Staerg.

  “Kid, I’ll tell you this right now,” he said, in a way to point out a fact to me, “teleporting inside of him won’t work either. His insides are far hotter and more toxic, even without the scaly padding.”

  Not thinking, I pointed to Norman and asked for yet another power.

  “I want to capture and later use the essence of anything I touch.”

  He frowned.

  “That won’t—”

  “Do it!”

  I barely even felt that surge as I flew high up. Soaring and twisting around the beast, I managed to put both my hands on his scales, and instead of being burned, I felt my body become more plated, more dragon-like. It went nice with the wings.

  All dragoned up, I zoomed past his head while he roared, blazing fire burning everything around him. I was already miles away, but if my calculations were correct, and I prayed to every god and goddess that they were, I was far enough.

  At a near-supersonic speed, I flew right towards Staerg. The plating kept me somewhat safe, though I still felt the effects of wind resistance. With a massive shout, I flew faster and faster, and in the very last second, the very second I was several meters away from Staerg’s face and closing in fast, I used my teleportation and found myself in his throat, where I stayed for maybe a millionth part of a millisecond – I flew, well-plated, throughout the dragon’s entire inner body, piercing every organ along the way with my speed alone, like a projectile. Upon stopping, I immediately teleported out of there, leaving the dragon to writhe in agony and fall to the ground.

  He was coughing blood. None of his spells could save him, and my healing would do nothing for him. I approached, ready to tease and laugh at his lizard-like face, but the condition I found him in destroyed me utterly. He was, in fact, smiling politely, accepting his fate.

  “Conrad…” he spoke to me directly, not even acknowledging the man hovering way above me, the man he knew far better than I did. “Your ingenuity…has beaten greatness… I can now see why you—” he coughed up some more blood here before continuing. “—why you’re ruling over the nine planets… but beware, for you’ll be smitten before you know it!”

  “What? How?”

  The glassy look in his eyes told me everything. He was dead.

  Chapter 14

  A day later, my crew of workers properly removed Staerg, whom I ordered buried at the same place the sorcerer tried to summon him. Parallel to that, I established diplomatic ties between the Sylvan folk, the Grunts, the humans, and the rest of my empire. A single Skype call from the representatives of the United Nations acknowledged me as the Champion of Earth, another epithet I added to the long list of those. All was right again. Or so I thought.

  “So, do you know what they call the Quarter Pounder in Paris, Conrad?” Gene was asking, but I didn’t feel like feeding into the reference. “Ah come on, man! Cheer up! You beat the worst threat this planet has ever seen!”

  “I guess, but it doesn’t really feel like a win,” I sighed. “I mean, Staerg just…”

  “Just what?” John asked, having finished sipping his juice.

  “He just seemed, I dunno…not that bad.”

  The two friends stared at me like I’d just shot a puppy.

  “How can you say that? He annihilated half of our military!”

  “Yeah, he did…” I scratched my head, “but truth be told, they did attack him first.”

  “And you?”

  “Yeah, I attacked later, but it was more of a reactionary response coupled with adrenaline.”

  “Didn’t you say that Norman fought him once?”

  “What was that, Gene?”

  “I said, didn’t you say that Norman—”

  “Oh, Norman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he did imply that Staerg was a threat…”

  John tapped me on the shoulder, smiling. “Just ask him, dude. I mean, you have that ability that lets us all hear, right?”

  I almost forgot about that one. It’s funny how many things one forgets when busy conquering the universe and kicking ass.

  “So, Norm—”

  “He was bad news. He’s better off dead.”

  He was brief and laconic, which fit him perfectly, but still somehow managed to irk me. The other two merely shrugged and moved on.

  “So, what now?” John turned to me when I asked this. “What’s the plan? I mean, I’ve got nothing to do. I’m done with school since that party at Janine’s house, and I’m currently an unemployed savior of mankind. Not to mention that ruling an empire gives me leeway to dick around. What’re we doing?”

  “But what about political stuff? Don’t you have to—” I really didn’t like interrupting dear old John. A little later I made a mental note to buy him a new lute.

  “Don’t worry about it. Most of my people from Clovier 5 are handling the political mess. Anything related to technology and economics I leave to my Girodians.”

  “Don’t you think you’re overworking them a bit?” Gene asked, appearing genuinely concerned.

  “Oh not at all. If anything, doing Earth-related work is a holiday for them. They have such advanced sciences that they’re more or less playing around here. It’s like giving a college professor a class of three kindergarteners.”

  They both giggled at this.

  “And what about the others, Con
rad?” John chimed in. “What do the beautiful Cybels do?”

  “Other than make babies?” I laughed. “More or less the same stuff other planets do. Oh, and I hooked you both up with two lovely noblewomen from that planet. Prepare to live the rest of your lives in utter pleasure!”

  I’d never before heard the term “you da man!” come from anyone other than a jock before, so that was new. Their reaction was sincere, and I was, for once, pleased to have some normalcy in my life.

  “You asked about the plan, right?” Gene said. “Well, Petra went back to Slovenia using her teleporting ability, so she can transfer some of her friends here. Yukio decided to make her own house with the knowledge of building stuff you bestowed upon her, and your dad became a CEO with the money he was able to create with his bare hands.”

  “And the rest?”

  “Well, Janine is bringing Dwyer to meet you at long last,” Gene uttered, clearly happy that this was happening. “You’ll see, he’s quite a cool character.”

  “You don’t use ‘quite’ and ‘cool’ in the same sentence, you dork,” I teased. Our camaraderie more or less shined, especially considering how silent the street had been – everyone had now tasted my ability to remain apathetic to my appearance, which I learned I had to reinforce after every major event I participate in. I hated when my abilities had unknown caveats to them.

  I could spot Janine and what looked like Dwyer coming right for us.

  “Conraaaaad!” she yelled. We had truly come a long way, Janine and I. It feels like yesterday that she mocked me for my sexual incapabilities, and I used her as a slave.

  Dwyer approached, but was somewhat disturbed.

  “Hey, Dwyer,” I said, genuinely friendly, trying to break the ice right then and there. “Glad to finally meet you, man.”

  ***

  I have no idea how I wound up against a tree back then, and how Dwyer kept shooting that lightning at me. The damn thing had me paralyzed for a good minute before I could feel my hands again.

  “Stop it!” I heard Janine yell, and “Damn it, Dwyer, cut it out!” that came out of Gene, with John’s “Oh my god!” following shortly after. But Dwyer didn’t stop. He was determined, frowning and staring at me. I even thought I saw him push a button on his shirt somewhere.

  “Dwyer…why?” I barely mumbled.

  “I am not Dwyer,” he said, coldly. “I’ve only been Dwyer on this planet. My name is Hanalquan, and I am from the Order of the Steel Sword.”

  This made Gene crouch and grab his knees. It’s rare to see a man as emotionally crushed as him, yet there I was, getting utterly wrecked by the man they claimed wanted my friendship, but worrying about a different man’s emotional being. A regular Oprah I am.

  “Dwyer, what is the meaning of this?” Janine squealed again, but he never even looked at her.

  “I’ll explain once this is done,” he replied coldly. “He cannot be allowed to go on like this.”

  I tried my damnedest to activate any of my abilities. Aerial punches, teleportation, telekinesis, anything. But for some reason they were blocked. Not even Norman could do a thing to pick me back up.

  Then I remembered. I remembered that I don’t have a single source for powers, that I had acquired new ones in the meantime; I allowed an ancient, eldritch force to overtake me, it swelled up and boiled, until finally – it burst.

  Dwyer was now pinned against the ground. I teleported above him and prepped a sleeping spell, just in case. But I wanted answers.

  “So you wanted to kill me? Is that it?” I yelled. “You wanted to get close to me so you could annihilate me?”

  “Don’t misunderstand,” Dwyer, or rather Hanalquan said, one of his buttons beeping. “The Order will be sending out for you, but if I get hurt, they won’t just send anyone. Grand Marshal Fekk will personally come to destroy you.”

  “What?”

  “And bear in mind, that dragon you bested – he is nothing compared to Fekk. Fekk will end you. If needed, he will end you both.”

  At that point, I wanted to know what was going on, but my hand went by itself and put Hanalquan to sleep. I knew it was my spell that did it, but I didn’t launch it. I wanted, and more importantly had to know if Hanalquan could also see Norman. Apparently Staerg wasn’t the only one.

  Janine ran to me in shock.

  “Conrad, are you okay? Does it hurt?”

  “Don’t worry, Jan. I’ll be okay. The healing ability is a little late, that’s all.” I got up slowly. “More importantly, is this really Dwyer?”

  “Maybe it isn’t, who knows?” Janine said, and immediately I could spot Gene getting back up and somewhat clumsily smiling.

  “Y-yeah,” he said, “I mean it has to be an impostor! Dwyer couldn’t have been an alien! That would make no sense!”

  I didn’t want to say anything. Based on all of my experiences outside of Earth, Dwyer always being an alien would make every sense.

  “Giraud,” I called, but got no response, only static. “Iana?”

  “I’m here, sir,” she said via the comlink.

  “Do a planet-wide search for Dwyer…erm, surname?”

  “Dwyer Fortknight,” Janine answered.

  “Dwyer Fort—what, really?” Gene merely shrugged at this. “Dwyer Fortknight.”

  Girodian tech I brought over had the capability of sweeping the whole planet. Orwellian, I know, but right now I needed it.

  “You’ll see!” Gene sounded somewhat unconvincing. “They’ll find Dwyer! The poor guy is probably kidnapped or held hostage…or—”

  “The search is done, sir,” Iana reported. “There was no other Dwyer Fortknight on this planet.”

  Gene did not like this bit of news.

  “What?! How can you sweep an entire planet so quickly?! That’s impossible!”

  “Gene, calm down…”

  “I refuse to believe that! Dwyer is a good person!”

  Iana then teleported to where we were, holding a little tablet filled with data.

  “There was never a Dwyer, sir,” she was talking to me, but her calming voice made me think she wanted to be sympathetic and actually speak to Gene, who was on the edge of being torn. “We’ve done a sweep of his house, and most of the items there point to him faking an identity for at least a hundred and fifty years.”

  Damn. The Dwyer before us barely looked eighteen.

  “What is he, then?” I asked, observing Gene slowly slump off into the distance. John followed him, but they left in silence. Before going off, though, the Lutist gave me a meaningful look, which I saluted with a soft nod. Gene needed a friend, and sadly, I had vastly more important things to do than help right now.

  “Iana, get the troops and take this man to one of our Earth facilities. Maximum security, code red.”

  “Understood.”

  She teleported away, while I again tried to contact Giraud.

  “More static. Damn.”

  Janine looked puzzled.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Trying to get Giraud back on Girodia. We might need to amass our troops if this Fekk guy is coming.”

  “Maybe his comlink isn’t working?” Janine didn’t appreciate my laughter at this. “What’s so damn funny about that?”

  “Girodians do not make tech that fails, Janine,” I replied, more nervous than cocky. “They’re just that good.”

  “All appliances fail at some point, Conrad. Girodian tech is no exception to this.”

  I wasn’t listening, mainly because I was starting to panic.

  “Damn it, Giraud, answer!”

  I teleported to my ship in the outer atmosphere and tried it there. Nothing. Janine teleported right there next to me.

  “You know, you shouldn’t have given all of us teleporting as a power,” she said.

  “What, I think it’s cool,” still no response. “Well, Haggard is the only one without it, though.”

  “Huh?”


  “Hey, we’re cool now, but he did still bully me.” I called for Orthian, another Girodian in charge of the Earth’s tech development, via the ship’s video feed. “Orthian, how come I can’t get Giraud online?”

  “Sir, I’m afraid it’s far worse than just Giraud,” he said, staring at the monitors behind him. “Our signals are being jammed.”

  I was afraid of that.

  “Can’t you bypass it?”

  “Sir, whoever’s doing this has technology that far surpasses our own. We’re sitting ducks here.”

  “Then teleport to Girodia and we’ll figure something out! Get Valahaed’s scientists online as well!”

  “Sir, that’s…the troubling part.”

  Fear came right back into me. The kind of dread that you feel when you’re cut off from the rest of humanity. An unspeakable, looming fright.

  “What do you mean, Orthian?”

  “We cannot teleport. There’s an impenetrable shield around your planet, and neither teleporters nor ships can phase through it. We’re cut off, sir.”

  Whoever these Order of the Steel Sword guys were, they were thorough.

  “What’s happening, Conrad?” Janine asked, despite having heard most of it already. I merely sighed and turned to her.

  “Well, Janine, we might be royally fucked in the pooper, we might,” I added, with an evident air of irritation about me.

  “Can’t you do something? I mean, you can ask Norman for more power.”

  “Trust me, Jan, nothing Norman can give me here will break their hold over us.”

  She wanted to add something, but couldn’t find the right words to do so.

  “Damn it, Conrad, you’ve conquered nine planets in weeks,” these words all but spurted out of her mouth. Her voice sounded hopeless. “This ought to be nothing for you. Just another obstacle to best.”

  “Eh, normally I’d agree,” I replied, stretching, much to her annoyance, “but fifteen minutes ago I found out that one of our potential allies was really an alien, and that he himself was more powerful than the dragon I friggin beat yesterday by the skin of my ass.”

  She had nothing to add and merely observed me walking about lackadaisically.

  “So what are we going to do now, Conrad?”