The Nerd Turned Conqueror: A Fantasy Harem Adventure

by Oscar Reeds

  I turned to her, and managed to catch my reflection in a nearby monitor which was switched off. I had a very toothy, very child-like grin on my face, and she was about to learn why.

  “Why, we will fight them, of course!”

  ***

  The few Girodians I had on Earth began producing impromptu breeding tubes so they could breed with the few Cybels around and, in half an hour, produce fully-grown, fully capable clones that could craft machinery rapidly. The entire facility took up what used to be an abandoned hospital, re-commissioned for this purpose. The few Valahs that I had stationed on Earth were teleporting from country to country in order to improve the weaponry. They managed to completely reconstruct the way wars are waged on several different terrains in roughly 50 countries in under fifteen minutes – despite the barrier outside, my internal system of screens and monitors managed to broadcast the whole thing to everyone. Each and every soldier, from the best-trained Spetsnaz to the amateurs in Uganda (where I managed to track down and punish the person who killed Captain Alex), from the peace-loving Canadians to the war-torn Syrians, now had proper and simple knowledge in weapon crafting and improvement. But it didn’t end there. The Valahs then moved on to fix up old battleships and submarines, even managing to raise a few sunken ones from the ocean. No battleship was left unchecked, and once they were ready, they moved onto the planes and tanks. Repairs took place on a planetary scale, and even some of the old World War 2 equipment now became battle-ready and five times more deadly than when it was originally crafted. However, I had specifically asked them not to use the weapons in museums and private collections.

  Both the Dahrmites and the Ehre, of whom I had the most soldiers ready on Earth, were in charge of training the troops. I even divided them accordingly – Dahrmites trained Europe, Asia, and Africa, whereas the Ehre trained both Americas and Australia. Earth soldiers were now learning maneuvers that didn’t require knowledge of other languages or cultures to work seamlessly. Now a Japanese guy, a Serbian dude, a Zimbabwean bloke, a Mexican fellow, a Chilean guy, and a New Zealand chap could work in tandem to take down an entire fleet of ships (Earth ships, mind). National differences now played next to no roles. The entire planet was on the line, and the sooner we had it prepped for fighting, the better.

  Penna was given the task of leading the Dahrmites, and since I wanted the Ehre to be commanded by an Ehre, I gave the command to Fistote’s best friend and drinking buddy, Vroar. He wasn’t a bright man, but he knew fighting like the back of his tail. Arduck commanded the US fleet, at that moment the largest Earth-based force. All other races that were there were under my direct command. But that was still not enough. We still needed more power.

  I then began the biggest, most powerful and most arduous campaign of creature creation. I already could create millions with my hand, but I needed more, so I spoke to Norman once again. Six entire surges overcame me, and after the last one subsided, I needed an equivalent of a seven days’ rest, or in my case a little less than two hours. First I made every animal sentient until the week was over, just in time for us to beat the invaders with their help. After the animals the plants became sentient. I have to admit, they can really be blather mouths, especially oak trees that stood for hundreds of years. Rocks were the last group I wanted made sentient. Both big and small, rocks interacted well with others, and soon enough the Girodians and the Valahs taught them the basics of planetary defense. The whole planet was almost ready, but I still wasn’t.

  I began producing millions upon millions of composite soldiers. They had the mixed look of Dahrmites and the Ehre, with the eyes of the Cybels, wings of Cotahi, and the remaining body parts of human beings. I made them invulnerable to the strongest of my magic (other than outright negation of their existence), and hoped to god it would be enough to at least hold off the Order. Next, I made them capable of living in nearly every environment on earth, yet requiring literally nothing in terms of food, excretion, sleep, or sex. Billions of these composites, as I will call them from now on, were now either filling up the oceans of Earth, inhabiting active volcanoes, hiding in rainforests, scaling the two planetary poles, or just hanging out with the other beings ready to defend the planet. They were everywhere, and I wasn’t sparing any expense. Of course, they all got weaponry from my tech guys both earthly and beyond.

  My last line of defense was the planet herself. I first made the earth immune to foreign attacks, which wasn’t that big of a wish. Next, I made it nearly indestructible, because, as Norman pointed out, he couldn’t really do “completely damage-proof.” At long last, as my final wish before the Order arrived, I interconnected everyone and everything on Earth. Every living and non-living, yet sentient entity was now aware of one another, and they were collaborating like a well-oiled machine. I finally had the best army yet, and, more importantly, a united Earth. As it stood, and as I fell to my deserved sleep, I was ready for any attack at any point anywhere. It was just a matter of time.

  ***

  We spotted the ships of the Order a few hundred miles behind the moon. They had a massive fleet, each of those ships outclassing any modern-day fighter jet Earth has. On top of that, they outnumbered us three to one. Naturally, not all of those were fighter craft, as some carried vehicles and the infantry, something I was to learn after their initial shots whirled past my command ship.

  The dog fights were splendid, or at least they would have been to anyone watching; I have no idea how quickly they were able to break the speed of sound since there’s no sound in space, but they moved fast, faster than anything we had. My ships managed to hold off the majority of their first wave, shooting down roughly three fighter craft before they were taken out. Luckily, the hybrid Girodian children managed to grow into full-fledged scientists and engineers, and with their portable teleporters they managed to work around most of the damaged crafts and repair them as much as possible. This action alone saved me the trouble of building twice as many ships as I needed.

  But the second wave was worse. Some Order ships were actually hybrid crafts themselves, and upon damage, they would split apart and transform into three or four separate, smaller ships with more speed, but less firepower. However, they were extremely difficult to shoot down. At one point, an entire swarm of those was surrounding my main cluster of battleships, the ones surrounding my own. We put up quite the defense, but they were relentless, and many good men (of all races) died.

  I had to take a stand there. Isolated in a shielded booth, I used up all of my available power and directed my telekinesis towards them. At first, I merely disassembled every ship that approached us. It was much easier to do with smaller ones, and soon enough they flew back to regroup. But then the third wave came, with massive, heavy cruisers that looked like unstoppable Juggernauts, bitch. They made short work of our own, smaller cruisers and again made their way to us. Disassembling them by hand, or rather telekinetically, proved to be a task done in vain. Thus, I used a different method. Teleporting all around, I drew tons and tons of either debris or active enemy ships and crashed them into the cruisers. This worked, and from the fifteen cruisers that were going after us, two remained intact, and soon enough they were retreating.

  Aerial combat, though, was far from over. A smaller fleet of enemy frigates went after the moon, at full speed, in an attempt to ram themselves into it. The angle they were going at, as my scientists informed me right then and there, was just right for the whole satellite to burst into chunks which would spiral down to Earth and wipe out all life, like a meteor. That had to be stopped, and I ordered the employment of my most powerful defensive weapon yet.

  As the enemy ships were approaching, three tiny Girodian crafts teleported and formed a huge triangle, one that covered separate corners around the moon and, if drawn with a huge pen or something, would stand between our satellite and the ships. When they were close enough, the ships activated themselves, and a colossal triangular portal swallowed all of the frigates. They all landed deep within
our oceans, where tiny sentient bacteria ate every last bit of them, pilots and crews included.

  Still, their carrier ships broke through, and they were leading a two-pronged attack. One of those was on the ocean, against nearly every defensive force my planet could muster. Upon exiting their own maritime ships, I realized that the Order wasn’t a single planet. Numerous members of wildly differing races wore a weird, white crusader uniform and what appeared to be Saiyan scouters. They reminded me of the Green Lantern corps, or the Nova corps, or, since I mentioned Saiyans, of Frieza’s army from Dragon Ball Z. A huge organization willing and ready to do what’s right. Or in this case, what’s horribly wrong, I guess.

  Marine creatures were there in spades, as the Order, like me on Earth, spared no expense. They kept sending more troops that were fast and lucid swimmers, but also those who used water like water benders from Avatar. What looked like water ninjas swarmed my army in an attempt to overwhelm them, and they were somewhat succeeding. Every time a marine from Earth or an Ehre trooper would slice through them, they would split in two warriors, like worms. In no time at all, they quadrupled in sheer numbers and began to push my troops back. Or so I led them to believe.

  Algae and other plant life from the sea surfaced and engulfed their crafts, leaving them sinking. Now they had no way of retreating on land, but they could still fight where they stood. But my plants weren’t the only fighters to stand up to them. Cotahi plants that ate other races sprang forth, chewing on each enemy fighter while ignoring our own. Marine animals soon joined, and armies of sharks, whales, dolphins, turtles, narwhals, manta rays, eels, and other assorted beasts decimated multiple battalions of Order’s water-based soldiers. They stood triumphant, but only for a brief moment. Salt water from the ocean actually managed to revive a vast number of Order troops, and they, zombie-like, attacked anew, slaughtering hundreds of thousands of species of plants and animals. That’s when the rocks jumped in, or rather, jumped up. Underground tectonic plates launched huge, sharp boulders which always found their way towards the crowds of Order Water Zombies, or the OWZ as I named them later. The OWZ would lose their heads or limbs, and though they survived, they couldn’t really fight back.

  That was the tipping point for the Order’s marine warriors. They immediately stopped fighting and, by way of incantation, began to fuse. Instead of armies of rampaging sea-fighters or hordes of rampaging sea-zombies, now my troops were facing what I can only describe as space kaiju. Though they were smaller in number, they began poisoning the water around them, and most of my Earth troops began dying out, which made the commanders order a tactical retreat. But I was ready for this as well. Millions upon millions of my composite warriors flew out from within the ocean depths, especially the Mariana trench. Not affected by poison, battle damage, or anything else really, they began to swarm the kaiju so badly that they literally sunk them to the bottom, where more bacteria began their process of disintegration. It took far longer than with regular ships, but in twenty or so minutes, no kaiju was left alive, and no enemy was left in the air or on the ocean waves.

  The last battlefront the Order had left was the ground, but it was by far the worst for us. Despite the millions of my troops, of all shapes and sizes, of all species and genetic makeup, of all caliber of fighting skills, they were not enough to prevent a massive onslaught. Order infantry was powerful. Their particular type of weaponry outclassed everything we had until that point, and battles were waged on several fronts just to maintain stability. We’d lost many important bases on all continents, but continued to push them away, eager to draw blood. All of my men and women left in charge – Penna, Arduck, Iana, Orthian, Vroar, and many others – scored major victories and confiscated numerous weapons, which both the original and the composite Girodians and their Valah counterparts managed to reverse-engineer and began to mass-produce on the spot.

  This mass production of new weapons opened up a few new battlefronts, and the Order began retreating. They were being slaughtered by their own technology, and more importantly, had no idea how to fight back. Naturally, it wasn’t just the new weaponry they had to contend with. Some of my human troops had learned the art of teleportation devices, and soon enough massive craters would launch entire scores of enemy soldiers to the water, where they would be dissolved by the sentient bacteria, which actually proved to be my best ally during those battles. Every Dahrmite, I could tell, enjoyed the fact that their empire was facing a far greater threat, and their blood was boiling in sheer battle rage. The Cybels also proved to be amazing warriors, considering their skimpy armor allowed them for more movement, not to mention proper distraction for the more humanoid members of the Order. We were winning, at long last, and we were winning hard.

  But then the Order launched their own secret weapon. Zooming through the air, the biggest damn ship I’ve ever seen rammed itself into the ground, and the shockwave penetrated most of my soldiers. Emerging from it were hundreds of Order soldiers that looked…different. They had more of a centurion look to them, and immediately I knew they were not ordinary soldiers. And they weren’t. Not only did they fight faster, harder, and with more skill than our earlier opponents, they also used nearly every one of our own techniques better. Their teleportation, for instance, was instantaneous and soundless. In those first ten seconds alone I lost something to the tune of seventeen million soldiers. Seventeen damn million! Even the scientists who were observing the monitors that counted the fallen troops were astounded. They clearly had the melee battle advantage. But we still had the raw numbers.

  As quickly as they could, nearly all available wildlife, plant life, and minerals went after these troops. Overwhelmed, they began to lose their footing, but were still fighting based on instinct alone. It was only when my composite warriors began to charge that they began their retreat, but Conrad the Emperor was not about to let them have it. When I landed before them, they looked confused. However, when I used every eldritch power I had to crush their collective skulls and other similar body parts, they understandably had no confusion left.

  I honestly wish the fighting had stopped then and there, but sadly, it didn’t. The soldiers were defeated, of course, and their huge fleet remnants were still surrounding the Earth, but as I’d noticed, there was something odd going on. Sure, the troops were massive in size and scope, but they looked like an army, what with their uniforms and all. Or like the police, at least. And each of these two needs a commander. Yet, no commanders were there; not in space, not on water, and not on the ground. This struck me as odd, but I was about to learn why that was.

  Exiting the ship were four more individuals, three walking ahead of one. Those three wore similar shirts, with one being metallic green, other being dark blue, and the third being all white. The one behind them wore something akin to a hat, was taller, heavier, stronger, and looked more menacing. Norman’s face was the only indicator I needed – that guy, behind those three, was Fekk.

  “Welcome to Earth,” I said, unwelcomingly. None of the four cared to respond. “Now how about you leave?”

  One of the three, the one with a green shirt, shot a laser from his finger which first knocked me on the ground, then lifted me into the air, and then, surprisingly, got me back on my feet. I was both surprised and in severe pain at the same time.

  “Hanalquan was right, sir,” the greenshirt said, “this man is tough.”

  “That means he must be the carrier,” Fekk responded, and his voice was so booming that I have no real way of explaining it – it pierced every armor ever.

  “Emperor Conrad, was it?” the greenshirt said again, approaching. “We represent the Order of the Steel Sword. I am General Struza. The gentlemen behind me are General Orss and General Spuh Ceffik. As you might have guessed,” he said knowingly, as if he were aware that I was aware that they were coming, “the exalted gentleman behind all of us is our Grand Marshal Fekk.”

  “Enough,” Fekk spoke, which made the general jump up a bit. He giggled as
his master addressed me. “Young Conrad, I really don’t want to be doing this, but your very presence here is disruptive. You must be removed.”

  At that point, I was angry.

  “My very presence? I was born here, assholes! I live here! And I will be damned if some fancy boy band in dumb uniforms is going to tell me that I must be ‘removed’ from anything!”

  Struza was the first to strike. I’ve never felt a punch so hard that it literally made me vomit out my entire stomach. He was smiling. I didn’t notice it at the time, but all of the generals were human, and even Fekk had the characteristics of a humanoid, save for the vestiges on his back which reminded me of wings. Which reminded me – I needed to use my wings! Struza’s second punch didn’t connect, as I unfolded my dragon’s wings and, while airborne, shot a massive magic missile at his face.

  Temporarily blinded, Struza was fidgeting around, tossing his finger lasers everywhere. Most of my troops fled, leaving the entire field a makeshift battle arena for me and the upper echelon of the Order. Which I actually appreciated, now that Struza was shooting blind left, right and center. I was still airborne, so my next move was to make him lose his footing. Using my teleportation abilities, as well as my telekinesis, I removed a chunk of earth underneath his feet, and when he dropped into the hole (and by the sound of his fall, broke something), I crafted the chunk of earth into many spiky rocks, launching them at him. I clearly heard pain, but wasn’t done. Combining fire, ice, air and soil, I constructed the Fifth element by way of pure magic. This element I launched into that hole, causing a localized explosion, hopefully denting the bastard for good.

  I have no idea how I wound up on the ground again, with my arm broken. Struza was pissed, emerging from the hole and healing fast, Wolverine-style. Naturally, I healed my arm just as fast, but his swift attack made that action worthless. He was now ramming into me from every direction, breaking my ribs. No shit, I swear I could see at least five of Struzas coming at me, ramming their shoulders into me, and occasionally zapping me with a laser. In a few seconds I was full of holes, wounds, bruises, and scarring. Struza was collecting his breath.