Twenties Girl

by Sophie Kinsella

  “How can he be yours?” I hear myself yelling. “You’re dead! Haven’t you realized that yet? You’re dead! He doesn’t even know you exist!”

  “Yes, he does!” She brings her face close to mine, a murderous look in her eye. “He can hear me!”

  “So what? It’s not like he’ll ever meet you, is it? You’re a ghost! A ghost!” All my misery at the situation is bursting out in a vent of anger. “Talk about self-deluded! Talk about not facing up to the truth, Sadie! You keep telling me to move on! How about you move on?”

  Even as I’m uttering the words, I’m realizing how they sound, how they might be misinterpreted. And I’m wishing beyond anything I could take them back. A tremor of shock passes across Sadie’s face. She looks as though I’ve slapped her.

  She can’t think I meant…

  Oh God.

  “Sadie, I wasn’t… I didn’t…” My words are all jumbled up in my mouth. I don’t even quite know what I want to say. Sadie looks hollow-eyed. She’s gazing out at the river as though she’s not even aware of me anymore.

  “You’re right,” she says at last. All the spirit has gone out of her voice. “You’re right. I’m dead.”

  “No you’re not!” I say in distress. “I mean… OK, maybe you are. But-”

  “I’m dead. It’s over. You don’t want me. He doesn’t want me. What’s the point?”

  She starts walking away toward Waterloo Bridge and disappears from view. Racked with guilt, I hurry after her and up the steps. She’s already halfway along the bridge, and I run to catch up. She’s standing still, staring out toward St. Paul’s Cathedral, a willowy figure in the grayness, and gives no sign of realizing I’m there.

  “Sadie, it’s not over!” My voice is almost lost in the wind. “Nothing’s over! I wasn’t thinking, I was just angry at you, I was talking rubbish-”

  “No. You’re right.” She speaks fast, without turning her head. “I’m as self-deceiving as you. I thought I could have some last fun in this world. I thought I could have a friendship. Make a difference.”

  “You have made a difference!” I say in dismay. “Please don’t talk like this. Look, come home, we’ll put on some music, have a good time-”

  “Don’t patronize me!” She turns her head and I can see her trembling. “I know what you really think. You don’t care about me, no one cares about me, some meaningless old person-”

  “Sadie, stop it, that’s not true-”

  “I heard you at the funeral!” Sadie suddenly erupts passionately, and I feel a cold horror. She heard us?

  “I heard you at the funeral,” she repeats, regaining her dignity. “I heard all the family talking together. Nobody wanted to be there. Nobody mourned me. I was just a ‘million-year-old nobody.’”

  I feel queasy with shame as I remember what everyone said. We were so callous and horrible. All of us.

  Sadie’s chin is taut and she’s gazing fixedly over my shoulder. “Your cousin put it exactly right. I didn’t achieve anything in my life, I left no mark, I wasn’t anything special. I don’t know why I bothered living, really!” She gives a brittle laugh.

  “Sadie… please don’t.” I swallow.

  “I didn’t have love,” she continues, inexorably, “or a career. I didn’t leave behind children or achievements or anything to speak of. The only man I ever loved… forgot about me.” There’s a sudden shake in her voice. “I lived for one hundred and five years, but I didn’t leave a trace. Not one. I didn’t mean anything to anybody. And I still don’t.”

  “Yes, you do. Of course you do,” I say desperately. “Sadie, please-”

  “I’ve been a fool, clinging on. I’m in your way.” With dismay, I see that her eyes are glimmering with tears.

  “No!” I grasp at her arm, even though I know it’s useless. I’m almost crying myself. “Sadie, I care about you. And I’m going to make it up to you. We’ll dance the Charleston again, and we’ll have some fun, and I’m going to get your necklace for you if it kills me-”

  “I don’t care about the necklace anymore.” Her voice wobbles. “Why should I? It was all nothing. My life was all for nothing.”

  To my horror, she disappears over the side of Waterloo Bridge.

  “Sadie!” I yell. “Sadie, come back. Sa-die!” I’m peering desperately down at the murky, swirling water, tears streaming down my cheeks. “It wasn’t for nothing! Sadie, please, can you hear me?”

  “Oh my God!” A girl beside me in a checked coat gasps. “Someone’s jumped in the river! Help!”

  “No, they haven’t!” I lift my head, but she’s not listening; she’s beckoning her friends. Before I can gather my wits, people are crowding around the parapet and gazing down at the water.

  “Someone’s jumped!” I can hear people saying. “Call the police!”

  “No, they haven’t!” I say, but I’m drowned out. A boy in a denim jacket is already filming the water with his mobile phone. A man to my right is peeling off his jacket as though preparing to dive in, while his girlfriend watches admiringly.

  “No!” I grab at his jacket. “Stop!”

  “Someone’s got to do the right thing,” says the man, in a hero-like voice, glancing at his girlfriend.

  For God’s sake.

  “No one’s jumped!” I shout, waving my arms. “There’s been a mistake! Everything’s fine! No one’s jumped; repeat, no one’s jumped!”

  The man stops, halfway through taking off his shoes. The boy with the mobile phone swivels and starts filming me instead.

  “Then who were you talking to?” The girl in the checked coat gives me an accusing look, as though suspecting me of lying. “You were shouting at the water and crying! You gave us all a fright! Who were you talking to?”

  “I was talking to a ghost,” I say shortly. I turn away before she can reply, and push my way through the crowd, ignoring the exclamations and grumbling comments.

  She’ll come back, I tell myself. When she’s calmed down and forgiven me. She’ll come back.

  TWENTY

  But next morning the flat is still and silent. Normally Sadie appears as I’m making a cup of tea, perching on the work surface, making rude comments about my pajamas and telling me I don’t know how to make tea properly.

  Today there’s nothing. I fish my tea bag out of my cup and look around the kitchen.

  “Sadie? Sadie, are you there?”

  There’s no reply. The air feels dead and empty.

  As I get ready for work, it’s weirdly quiet without Sadie’s constant babble. In the end I turn the radio on for company. And, on the plus side, at least there’s no one bossing me around. At least I can do my makeup my way today. Defiantly, I put on a frilled top I know she hates. Then, feeling a bit bad, I add another coat of mascara. Just in case, somehow, she’s watching.

  Before I leave, I can’t help looking around one last time.

  “Sadie? Are you there? I’m going to work now, so if you want to talk or anything, just come to the office…”

  Holding my tea, I go around the whole flat, calling out, but there’s no response. God knows where she is or what she’s doing, or what she’s feeling-I feel a fresh spasm of guilt as I remember her hollow face. If I’d only known she heard us talking at the funeral-

  Anyway. There’s nothing I can do about it now. If she wants me, she knows where to find me.

  I get to work just after nine-thirty to find Natalie already at her desk, flicking her hair back as she talks on the phone. “Yeah. That’s what I said to him, babe.” She winks at me and taps her watch. “In a bit late, aren’t you Lara? Got into bad habits when I was away? Anyway, babe…” She swivels back again.

  Bad habits? Me?

  I’m instantly seething. Who does she think she is? She’s the one who buggered off to India. She’s the one who behaved un-professionally. And now she’s treating me like the dim work-experience girl.

  “Natalie,” I say as she puts the phone down. “I need to talk to you.”

  �
��And I need to talk to you.” Natalie’s eyes gleam at me. “Ed Harrison, eh?”

  “What?” I say, confused.

  “Ed Harrison,” she repeats impatiently. “You’ve kept him a bit quiet, haven’t you?”

  “What do you mean?” Faint alarm bells are ringing. “How do you know about Ed?”

  “Business People!” Natalie turns a magazine toward me, open at the picture of Ed and me. “Good-looking chap.”

  “I’m not… it’s a business thing,” I say hurriedly, looking up.

  “Oh, I know, Kate told me. You’re back with Josh, whatever…” Natalie gives a mock-yawn to show just how interesting my love life is to her. “That’s my point. This Ed Harrison is a nice juicy bit of talent. Do you have a plan?”

  “Plan?”

  “For placing him!” Natalie leans forward and speaks with elaborate patience. “We’re a headhunting firm, Lara. We place people in jobs. That’s what we do. That’s how we make money.”

  “Oh!” I try to hide my horror. “No. No. You don’t understand. He’s not that kind of contact. He doesn’t want a new job.”

  “He thinks he doesn’t,” Natalie corrects me.

  “No, really, forget it. He hates headhunters.”

  “He thinks he does.”

  “He’s not interested.”

  “Yet.” Natalie winks, and I feel like hitting her.

  “Stop it! He’s not!”

  “Everyone has their price. When I dangle the right salary in front of him, believe me, the story will change.”

  “It won’t! Not everything’s about money, you know.”

  Natalie bursts into mocking laughter.

  “What’s happened while I’ve been away? Have we turned into the bloody Mother Teresa Agency? We need to earn commission, Lara. We need to make a profit.”

  “I know,” I snap. “That’s what I was doing while you were lying on the beach in Goa, remember?”

  “Ooh!” Natalie tosses back her head and laughs. “Miaou!”

  She’s not remotely shamefaced. She hasn’t once apologized, for anything. How could I have thought she was my best friend? I feel like I don’t even know her.

  “Just leave Ed alone,” I say fiercely. “He doesn’t want a new job. I’m serious. He won’t talk to you, anyway-”

  “He already did.” She leans back, looking supremely pleased with herself.

  “What?”

  “I called him this morning. That’s the difference between you and me: I don’t hang around. I get the job done.”

  “But he doesn’t take calls from headhunters,” I say, bewildered. “How did you-”

  “Oh, I didn’t give my name at first,” says Natalie gaily. “Just said I was a friend of yours and you’d asked me to call. We had quite a little chat, as it happens. He didn’t seem to know anything about Josh, but I gave him the full picture.” She raises her eyebrows. “Interesting. Keeping the boyfriend from him for a reason, were you?”

  I feel a rising dismay.

  “What-what exactly did you say about Josh?”

  “Ooh, Lara!” Natalie looks delighted at my discomfiture. “Were you planning on a little intrigue with him? Have I ruined things for you?” She puts a hand over her mouth. “Sorry!”

  “Shut up!” I yell, finally losing it. “Shut up!”

  I have to talk to Ed. Now. Grabbing my mobile, I hurry out of the office, bumping into Kate on the way. She’s carrying a coffee tray and widens her eyes as she sees me.

  “Lara! Are you OK?”

  “Natalie,” I say shortly, and she winces.

  “I think she’s worse with a tan,” she whispers, and I can’t help a reluctant smile. “Are you coming in?”

  “In a minute. I have to make a call. It’s kind of… private.” I head down the stairs and out onto the street, speed-dialing Ed’s number. God knows what Natalie said to him. God knows what he thinks of me now.

  “Ed Harrison’s office.” A woman’s voice answers.

  “Hi.” I try not to sound as apprehensive as I feel. “It’s Lara Lington here. Could I possibly speak to Ed?”

  As I’m put on hold, my mind can’t help traveling back to yesterday. I can remember exactly how his arms felt around me. How his skin felt against mine. The smell of him, the taste of him… And then that awful way he retreated into his shell. It makes me flinch just remembering.

  “Hi, Lara. What can I do for you?” His voice comes on the line. Formal and businesslike. Not one shred of warmth. My heart sinks slightly, but I try to sound upbeat and pleasant.

  “Ed, I gather my colleague Natalie rang you this morning. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again. And I also wanted to say…” I hesitate awkwardly. “I’m really sorry about how yesterday ended.”

  And I don’t have a boyfriend, I want to add. And I wish we could rewind and go up on the London Eye and you’d kiss me again. And this time I wouldn’t pull away, whatever happened, however many ghosts yelled at me.

  “Lara, please don’t apologize.” Ed sounds remote. “I should have realized you had more… commercial concerns, shall we say. That’s why you were trying to let me down. I appreciate that little blast of honesty, at any rate.”

  I feel a sudden iciness in my spine. Is that what he thinks? That I was just after him for business?

  “Ed, no,” I say quickly. “It wasn’t like that. I really enjoyed our day together. I know things went a bit weird, but there were… complicating factors. I can’t explain-”

  “Please don’t patronize me,” Ed interrupts evenly. “You and your colleague clearly cooked up a little plan. I don’t particularly appreciate your methods, but I suppose you have to be applauded for perseverance.”

  “It’s not true!” I say in horror. “Ed, you can’t believe anything Natalie says. You know she’s unreliable. You can’t believe we cooked up a plan, it’s a ludicrous idea!”

  “Believe me,” he says shortly, “after the small amount of research I did on Natalie, I’d believe her capable of any plan, however devious or dumb-assed. Whether you’re simply nave or as bad as she is, I don’t know-”

  “You’ve got it all wrong!” I say desperately.

  “Jesus, Lara!” Ed sounds at the end of his tether. “Don’t push it. I know you have a boyfriend. I know you and Josh got back together, probably never even broke up. The whole thing was a sting, and don’t fucking insult me by carrying on with the charade. I should’ve realized the instant you showed up in my office. Maybe you did your research and found out about Corinne and me. Figured you could get to me that way. God knows what you people are capable of. Nothing would surprise me.”

  His voice is so harsh, so hostile, I flinch.

  “I wouldn’t do that! I would never do that, never!” My voice trembles. “Ed, what we had was real. We danced… we had such fun… You can’t think it was all fake-”

  “And you don’t have a boyfriend, I suppose.” He sounds like a barrister in court.

  “No! Of course not-I mean yes,” I correct myself. “I did, but I split up with him on Friday-”

  “On Friday!” Ed gives a humorless laugh which makes me wince. “How convenient. Lara, I don’t have time for this.”

  “Ed, please.” My eyes are welling up. “You have to believe me-”

  “Bye, Lara.”

  The phone goes dead. I stand for a moment, motionless, little darts of pain shooting around my body. There’s no point calling back. There’s no point trying to explain. He’ll never believe me. He thinks I’m a cynical user-or, at best, nave and weak. And there’s nothing I can do.

  No. I’m wrong. There is something I can do.

  I fiercely brush at my eyes and turn on my heel. As I arrive upstairs, Natalie’s on the phone, filing her nails and uproariously laughing at something. Without pausing, I head for her desk, reach over and cut the line.

  “What the fuck?” Natalie spins around. “I was on the phone!”

  “Well, now you’re not,” I say evenly. “And you’re going to listen
to me. I’ve had enough. You can’t behave like this.”

  “What?” She laughs.

  “You swan off to Goa. You expect us to pick up the pieces. It’s arrogant and unfair.”

  “Hear, hear!” chimes in Kate, then claps a hand to her mouth as we both swivel to look at her.

  “Then you come back and take credit for a client who I found! Well, I’m not going to put up with it! I’m not going to be used anymore! In fact… I can’t work with you anymore!”

  I wasn’t actually planning to say that last bit. But now I’ve said it, I realize I mean it. I can’t work with her. I can’t even spend time with her. She’s toxic.

  “Lara. Babe. You’re stressed out.” Natalie rolls her eyes humorously. “Why don’t you take the day off-”

  “I don’t need the day off!” I explode. “I need you to be honest! You lied about being fired from your last job!”

  “I was not fired.” An ugly scowl appears on Natalie’s face. “It was a mutual decision. They were total assholes, anyway; they never appreciated me properly-” She suddenly seems to realize how she’s sounding. “Lara, come on. You and me, we’re going to make a great team.”

  “We’re not!” I shake my head. “Natalie, I don’t think like you! I don’t work like you! I want to put people into great jobs, not treat them like bits of meat. It’s not all about salary!” Feeling fired up, I grab her stupid Salary, salary, salary Post-it off the wall and try to rip it up, except it keeps sticking to my fingers so in the end I just crumple it. “It’s about the package, the person, the company-the whole picture. Matching people. Making it right for everyone. And if it’s not about that, it should be.”

  I’m still half hoping that I might get through to her somehow. But her incredulous expression doesn’t alter one iota.

  “Matching people!” She bursts into derisive laughter. “News flash, Lara: This isn’t a lonely hearts bureau!”

  She’s never going to understand me. And I’m never going to understand her.

  “I want to break up our partnership,” I say, my jaw set. “It was a mistake. I’ll speak to the lawyer.”

  “Whatever.” She stands, folding her arms, and leans back proprietorially against her desk. “But you’re not poaching any of my clients; it’s in our agreement. So don’t get any bright ideas about ripping me off.”