Shouldn't Want You (Cataclysm Book 2)

by Jerica MacMillan

  She lets out a heavy sigh.

  “Regrets already?” I try to keep my voice light, but a thread of worry slithers into my gut. I’m already in deep, but maybe she’s not. Maybe she’s worried about what this might mean for her job …

  She startles, her breasts bouncing as she sits all the way up, her eyes wide. “What? No.” Her shoulders slump. “No, not regrets. Uncertainty is a more accurate word.” That seems to confirm one of my guesses, but then she gestures at our clothes tossed around the living area. “I was trying to convince myself that I should get dressed, but I’m so relaxed I didn’t want to move.”

  So it’s just simple uncertainty about what to do post-sex? That I can handle.

  “If you’re cold, I can get a blanket.”

  My words somehow act like a freezing spell. She doesn’t even breathe. I guess she didn’t expect me to invite her to stick around? I don’t know what I’ve done to give her the impression I’m in a hurry to be rid of her, but I’m definitely not going to reinforce it.

  When I raise my eyebrows, she deflates. “Uh, sure? A blanket sounds good.”

  I turn around and drag the comforter off my bed, wadding it up in my arms to make it easier to carry to the living room. I shake it out in front of the couch, then sit with my feet up on the coffee table, reaching to pull her against my side like we sat last night. Only this time we’re both naked.

  She gives me an uncertain look, but leans against me and helps pull the comforter over us both.

  I let out a sigh, contentment settling over me like another layer of warmth at having her cuddled against me, and reach for the TV remote. “Comfy?”

  “Yeah.” She’s quiet for a beat, staring at the screen as I flip through the channels. “I should probably head back to my room soon, though.”

  I pull her tighter against me, shaking my head. “No you shouldn’t. You should stay.”

  She turns her head to look at me, concern coloring her gaze. “What about Eli?”

  Ah, so that’s her hangup. I shrug, dismissive, hoping my casual attitude will help put her at ease. I’m not at all worried about Eli’s reaction. “What about him? You’re here all the time. If you’re already here when he wakes up in the morning, he won’t think anything of it. It’s only since we’ve been in Seattle that you haven’t been here when he wakes up. If you’re not comfortable kissing or hugging in front of him, I can deal with that. I want you to stay with me, though.” Now that I have you, I don’t want to let you go. But I keep that thought to myself. It’s too much too soon. She’s already trying to convince herself to keep distance between us. Coming on too strong will only push her away more.

  She stares at me for another moment, but finally nods. “Okay.”

  “I’m still planning on getting my own room for tonight,” Ava says without meeting my eyes. She folds one of Eli’s shirts and tucks it into the suitcase. We had our last concert in Seattle last night, and we’re loading up in a little over an hour.

  I rub my hand along my jaw, stopping myself from immediately contradicting her. “Are you going to sleep in your room?” She’s spent the last two nights in my room, at my invitation. Some might say insistence, though last night she took less convincing. She’s still worried about being here when Eli wakes up, waking up early and taking a shower so she’s ready for the day before he’s out of bed. He hasn’t batted an eye about her being in our room when he yells my name in the morning, snuggling between us on the couch until he’s awake enough to want breakfast.

  Those moments with the three of us all together like that are one of the highlights of my day. More than the screaming audiences and the high of performing, my time with Eli and Ava, both together and separately, is what makes my day.

  She stops and finally looks at me, taking a deep breath. “No.”

  “Then why get your own room?”

  Shrugging, she reaches for a pair of footie pajamas. “I don’t want everyone to know.”

  I quirk an eyebrow at her. “You don’t think they’ll figure it out soon enough?”

  She purses her lips, exasperated. “Not if you don’t give it away, they won’t.”

  I laugh.

  Her exasperated expression eventually gives way to grudging amusement. When I stop laughing, she glances toward the door, where Eli’s watching a show in the living room, then steps close and kisses me. “You’re cute when you laugh,” she says, then turns to Eli’s books and toys, neatly placing them in a suitcase.

  I press up against her back, my hands on her hips pulling her ass against my groin. “You’re worried I’m going to give it away? Keep doing things like that and someone’s bound to discover us.”

  “According to you, at least if I’m interpreting your laughter right, it doesn’t even matter how careful we are. Everyone will figure it out anyway.” She shakes her head, her face resolutely turned toward the bed where the remainder of Eli’s things are laid out. “You’re probably right.” Then she sighs, heavily. Like people finding out we’re together is a fate worse than death.

  I wrap an arm around her waist and pull her back against my chest, and she sags against me. “Hey, now. Would it be so bad if the guys and Blaire and Kendra knew we were together? I think they’d be happy for us.”

  She finally turns and looks up at me, sorrow and hope and something I can’t identify stamped on her face. It knocks the breath out of me, and I don’t even know what’s causing it. All I want to do is wrap my arms around her and hold her until she feels better.

  Her chest expands with a deep breath, and she drops her eyes and nods. “Okay. If you say so, I’ll believe you. You know them better than I do.” She swallows and straightens, taking her weight off me, and I let my arms slip down to her waist again. Slowly, she pulls a folded pair of tiny pants closer to her, picks them up, and sets them in the suitcase. “I’d just … um, I’d rather not have it be generally public knowledge. Like for the media and stuff. It’s bad enough if your friends figure out that you’re screwing the nanny, but you’re probably right that they’ll all find out eventually even if we try to keep it a secret. I don’t really want the whole world knowing, though.”

  “What’s the matter? You ashamed of me?” I tug on a chunk of her hair, hoping to tease a smile out of her.

  It almost works. One corner of her mouth turns up, but it’s forced. “Totally.” She swallows, turning back to packing the rest of Eli’s things, efficiently stowing them all in the suitcase. Once the bed is clear, I flip the lid shut and zip it closed.

  With a deep breath, she raises her eyes to mine for the first time in several long minutes. “For real, though. Can we not tell anyone? Not yet, at least?”

  “I’m not going to lie to my band, Ava. They’re like my brothers.”

  She nods, fiddling with the hem of her shirt like she does when she’s nervous. “That’s fair. I’m not asking you to lie. Just not … share. If they figure it out, then okay, they can be in on the secret. But I’d like to keep it between us. For now. Please?”

  How can I refuse her when she looks so vulnerable? “For now.”

  She slowly blows out a breath. “Thank you.”

  I step closer and gather her in my arms. “They’re going to figure it out, though. And it’ll probably be sooner than later. I know you’re new to touring, but we’re basically up each other’s assholes all the time. There are no secrets on a tour. Not for long.”

  With her face buried in my chest, she snorts at my choice of words. “I know,” she says, her voice muffled.

  I squeeze her a little tighter, trying to think of what might reassure her. “None of them will think badly of you. They already think you’re great.”

  When all she does is make an indiscernible movement in my arms, I set her back from me enough that I can look her in the eye. “I won’t let anything bad happen to you because of being with me, okay?”

  Something flares in her eyes, but she shuts it down as quickly as it appears, studying my face for a long moment. “O
kay.”

  Even though her words sound like agreement, I can’t tell if she really believes me. But before I can say anything else, she pulls out of my grip, another forced smile on her face. “I still need to get the rest of my stuff together.”

  I nod and stuff my hands in my pockets to keep myself from reaching for her again. “Okay. Text Blaire when you’re done, and someone will come get your things to load up for the plane. Then come back here, and we’ll all go down to the cars together.” She opens her mouth to protest, but I level a glare at her. “You have to help with Eli. No one will think anything about it.”

  Her mouth snaps shut. With a nod, she turns and leaves the room, her unsettled air lingering behind her.

  It’s strange. She’s the first woman I’ve been with in a long time who doesn’t want to brag about banging me. Is it just the nanny thing? She doesn’t want to look unprofessional?

  Or is there something else going on that I don’t know about?

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Ava

  “Hey!” Blaire slides into the seat next to me while I read. Eli’s sitting across the aisle on a couch with his dad, watching a show on a tablet to entertain him on the short flight from Seattle to Vancouver.

  I turn off my phone and set it in my lap, offering Blaire a smile. “Hey. How’s it going?”

  She blows the loose hairs out of her face in a dramatic show of tiredness. “Busy busy. But that’s pretty much the way tours are for me.” She waves a hand at the guys. “They get to go back to their hotels for nap time, but I still have to stick around the venue to make sure everything’s ready for the show. I get there early and stay late, telling everyone what to do constantly. It’s like herding a bunch of toddlers.” She gives me a sympathetic look. “But I’m sure I don’t have to tell you about handling toddlers.”

  Aaron twists in his seat, leaning closer to us. “Please, Blaire. You act like you don’t love every second of it. Bossing everyone around is your favorite part.”

  She purses her lips and glances at him out of the corner of her eye. Then she breaks into a wide grin. “Fine. Guilty as charged. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Happy?”

  I can’t help laughing at their exchange. Aaron says something I don’t quite catch.

  Blaire waits until he turns back to the conversation he’s having with Marcus before facing me again. “So.” She bumps my shoulder with hers. “I came by your room last night after I got in, but no one answered. The guys got back at least half an hour before I did, so you should’ve had plenty of time to get back to your room. Did you go exploring on your own? Or meet some hottie while out with Eli that you haven’t told me about?”

  My face heats, and I look down at my phone, hoping to cover my sudden blush. “Oh, uh, no. No unknown hotties.” Because the hottie that I actually spent yesterday and last night with is very well known.

  Blaire gives me a searching look, her eyes narrowed. “I know you can’t have been in bed already. Where were you? I thought we could go hit a club like we did in LA, or, if you were feeling more laid back, grab a drink somewhere at least.”

  “Oh, uh, yeah, that would’ve been fun,” I stammer. “Rain check?”

  Her narrow-eyed look doesn’t relax. “Sure. Tonight. But first, answer the question.”

  I clear my throat, looking down again. “I was still in Danny’s room.” I suck in a breath. “We were, um, watching a movie.” I wave a hand in the air. “I had a sheltered childhood, so Danny’s insisting that I have to watch all the major things so I can understand pop culture references at least.” All that’s true. Mostly. Except for the part where we watched a movie last night. We talked about it. But instead we ended up in Danny’s bed where he did things to my body that I didn’t even know were possible. Or desirable.

  Being with Danny has been educational on many levels, and not just for pop culture references.

  In the few nights since we’ve given in to our attraction, I’ve come to realize just how selfish Grayson really was. And how much he really didn’t care about me at all. Ever.

  Not that I didn’t realize that last part already. With the way things ended, I’d have to be a complete moron to think he ever loved me. I think some part of me still clung to the belief that once, early on, he cared about me in some way.

  But he only ever cared about himself.

  Which is why Danny’s assurances that he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me because of being with him hit so close to home.

  Grayson told me something similar once.

  And when push came to shove, he chose to save himself.

  I’m not sure if Danny would do the same thing. I don’t want to think he would. He’s so different from Grayson in so many ways. But I don’t really know him all that well in the scheme of things. So my best option is to protect myself.

  Which means not admitting the whole truth to Blaire, even as guilt worms through me at deceiving her.

  “Ooh. What did you watch?”

  Of course she asks that. I could slap myself on the forehead, but that would give away my lie. “Uhh, Guardians of the Galaxy,” I blurt, coming up with a movie we watched weeks ago.

  Blaire’s brows wrinkle together. “Again?”

  I nod. “Danny said he wanted something he didn’t have to pay too much attention to since he was tired.”

  She gives me another long look, minus the squinty eyes, and then shrugs. “Okay. But no more movie nights beating out girls’ nights out. I finally have other girls to go out with, but Kendra was too busy getting it on with Marcus to want to come with me, and I couldn’t find you. So I’m dragging both of you out tonight. Got it?”

  Aaron twists around in his seat again. “Geez, B, give the poor girl a break.” His eyes cut to me. “She’s Danny’s to order around, not yours.”

  “Well, Danny does what I say, so if you follow the chain of command, I get to boss her around too.”

  Another laugh bubbles out of me at her logic, and I give her a salute. “Sir, yes, sir. Girls’ night out tonight. Does Kendra know?”

  “Does Kendra know what?” Kendra asks, leaning on the table where she sits across from Marcus.

  Aaron turns back to her. “Blaire has declared tonight a girls’ night out for you and Ava and her since you were too busy boning last night to go anywhere and apparently Ava was snuggling and watching movies with Danny.”

  My eyes go wide, and I catch Danny’s look across the plane. A slight smile plays over his lips, and he mouths “assholes” at me, one eyebrow raised in an I told you so look.

  With a sigh, I give him a tiny shake of my head and refocus on Blaire. “Girls’ night out sounds great.”

  “I’m in too,” adds Kendra.

  Blaire slaps her hands on the armrests. “Great. Glad we got that settled. Wear something hot. Kendra and I are going to be your wingwomen. We need to find you a hottie to make your nights more fun while we’re in Vancouver.”

  With that declaration, she stands and heads back to where she’d been sitting next to Mason. Looking across the plane again before going back to my book on my phone, I catch Danny glowering at me.

  I bury myself in my book. But I swear, his eyes barely leave me the rest of the flight except when he needs to answer a question from Eli.

  By the time we get off the plane, I’m on fire and dying for his touch. Who knew that frowny, grumpy Danny could get me so turned on?

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Danny

  I wait through the interminable check-in process, biting my tongue, sometimes literally, biding my time to get Ava to myself so I can talk to her about her plans for tonight.

  As in Seattle, she’s given two key cards—one for her room down the hall from mine, and another for my suite. I guess that’s the only thing that makes me less cranky about her insistence on having her own room. I don’t have to manufacture a reason for her to have a key to mine.

  But when we all part ways, she goes to her own room first to unpack her things
. And I can’t say a damn thing, because I promised I wouldn’t broadcast our relationship. I only made the promise this morning, and I’m already regretting it for so many reasons. If I hadn’t made that promise, I could’ve sat with her snuggled into my other side while she read on the plane. I could’ve told Blaire that while a girls’ night out is fine by me, it wouldn’t be with the aim of finding Ava a hot guy to fuck while she’s in Vancouver. And we could’ve dispensed with this nonsense of Ava having her own room, and she could be fucking unpacking in my goddamn room right now.

  With Eli perched on my forearm, his little arms hanging onto my shoulder, I follow the bellman who’s pushing the cart of our luggage to our suite. He almost runs away before I can tip him, and when I catch sight of my reflection in a mirror on the wall, I can see why.

  I let out a sigh, making a conscious effort to not look so much like a pissed off asshole.

  Even though I am a pissed off asshole.

  Ava’s mine, and I want everyone to know it. At least everyone on the tour, so there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind. No one else tries to hit on her. No one tries to set her up with anyone. And no one bats an eye when I hug her or kiss her or touch her.

  Running my hand through my hair, I pace the suite while Eli ping-pongs through the rooms, jumping on the couch, climbing on the armchair to look out the window, running into one bedroom and then the other, keeping up a constant stream of consciousness flow of toddler-style observations. “Daddy! A couch! Daddy! Bed! Other bed! Look, Daddy! Buildings!”

  While he runs off some of his energy, I pull out my phone and text Ava. Come to my room as soon as you’re done unpacking.

  It seems like forever before she responds. And then it’s just with a thumbs up emoji.

  With a sigh, I toss my phone on the couch, following it down, flopping back and watching Eli continue to bounce around with my fingers laced together, my hands braced on top of my head.

  Finally, fucking finally, almost thirty minutes later, there’s a little knock at the door and then the sound of the lock opening. And Ava comes in, tucking the key card in her back pocket.