Let's Do The Pharaoh!

by Jeremy Strong

  Sennapod was overwhelmed. He drew himself up and said: ‘You may kiss my feet.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Seraphina. She gritted her teeth and did as commanded.

  ‘You may rise and speak.’

  Ben and Carrie were sniggering quietly in the corner. They would never let Senny get away with anything like this, but this daft lady seemed quite happy to do just as he said.

  Seraphina got to her feet, which took rather a long time because of her shape and size, but eventually she made it.

  She smiled at the Pharaoh and began, ‘Great Lord, I come because I have seen your truly majestic performance. I understand that people think you are the “Face of the Future” and that you will set the fashion for years to come.’

  ‘But of course,’ answered Sennapod evenly. ‘The Pharaoh always leads his people.’

  ‘Yes, I know, but I have heard whispers, O Great One.’

  ‘Whispers?’

  ‘The people plot against you.’

  If this was news to the Pharaoh, it was also news to Ben and Carrie. Tiddles leapt lightly into Sennapod’s arms and he held the cat tightly.

  ‘I have heard that Tamara Salata, the fashion diva, intends to make you the most famous face of fashion ever known.’

  ‘That is true. Why should that worry me?’

  Seraphina took a step closer and put on her most concerned face. ‘Has she told you what she is going to pay you?’

  Sennapod’s eyes snapped on to Seraphina’s. They seemed to glare and glow as he realized that perhaps there was something going on that he should know about.

  Seraphina held the Pharaoh’s gaze. It was something she was very good at. She could outstare a rattlesnake.

  ‘Are you saying I should be paid?’ Sennapod said slowly.

  Seraphina smiled and relaxed a little. She knew she had him hooked on her bait. People always wanted money. No matter how much they had, they always wanted more, even if they were the Pharaoh of the whole of Egypt.

  ‘Paid in gold,’ she hinted. The fashion diva is going to make a lot of money out of you. She is already marketing your costume of bandages as a design of her own.’

  ‘She shall be cursed!’ roared Sennapod. ‘I shall send a plague of fleas to infest her body. I shall have her eyes pecked out by ravens. I shall plunge her feet into cold porridge.’

  This last torture seemed a trifle strange to Seraphina. ‘Porridge?’ she repeated.

  ‘He doesn’t like porridge,’ Carrie told her.

  The Pharaoh turned his gaze back on Seraphina. ‘So, woman, why do you come here, kissing my feet and telling me this?’

  Seraphina sighed. At last they had come to the point. ‘O Mighty Pharaoh, the Living Osiris, He Whose Name Shall Crumble on the Pages –’

  ‘Rumble Down The Ages,’ Sennapod corrected her.

  ‘Yes. I have come because I can work for you. I can protect you from the fashion diva Tamara Salata. I can make sure you get what you want.’

  Sennapod’s ears pricked up. He could get what he wanted! ‘Hmmmm. I see. Does that mean anything?’

  ‘Anything, Emperor of Hippos and Tickler of Little Frogs.’

  ‘The diva Tamara gave me handmaidens.’

  ‘You shall have as many handmaidens as you wish.’

  ‘And asses’ milk for my bath.’

  ‘I have a big ass,’ answered Seraphina evenly, thinking of Professor Jelly.

  ‘I shall need a palace…’

  ‘Consider it done,’ fawned Seraphina.

  Sennapod closed his eyes and gave a little nod. This was much more like it. Here was a woman who understood his true worth, a woman who recognized what it meant to be the Living God, the Pharaoh, the Ruler of Upper and Lower Egypt. ‘Then we shall leave at once,’ he said.

  ‘Senny!’ cried Ben. ‘You can’t just go!’

  Seraphina sensed that Ben and Carrie could ruin her plans. Maybe she could offer them a little bribe. ‘Perhaps you would like something for your friends?’ she suggested, but Sennapod shook his head.

  ‘They are worms,’ he said dismissively.

  ‘Thanks a bundle, Senny! After all we’ve done for you.’

  The Pharaoh looked surprised at this attack. ‘I am the Pharaoh. You had no choice. Everyone has to help me, or they get –’

  ‘– thrown to the crocodiles,’ snapped Carrie. ‘OΚ, you go then, you selfish prig. I hate you. You’ve ruined my competition and now you repay what we’ve done for you by ignoring us and calling us worms. Go on, go with fat-face here, and I hope you rot!’

  And with that Seraphina and the Pharaoh were practically pushed out through the front door by Carrie, and she slammed it after them. She glared furiously at the shut door for a few moments and then sank to the floor, crying her eyes out.

  7 A Bit of a Mistake

  Ben stared at the closed door. He could not believe that Sennapod had walked out on them like that. ‘I mean, just because that woman promised him a palace and handmaidens and asses’ milk! Anyhow, I don’t know why you’re blubbing, Carrie.’

  A giant sniff came from the crumpled heap on the floor. Carrie raised her head. ‘I am not blubbing. I’m upset, that’s all, and so is Crusher of Worms. Look, he’s scratching at the door. He wants Senny back.’

  In fact Crusher of Worms was getting rather frantic. He leapt up at the front door. He scratched it so hard that his claws left deep grooves down the wood. At length he began hurling himself at the door as if trying to break through it. Ben watched all this with a growing sense that something was wrong.

  ‘I think Tiddles is trying to tell us something.’

  ‘Yeah, like he wants to go out?’ (Sniff). ‘Do you want a tiddle, Tiddles?’

  ‘Something’s up. You know how sensitive that cat is. He always knows when something is going wrong.’

  Ben considered the cat for a few seconds more then came to a decision. He reached down, grabbed Carrie by the arm and hauled her to her feet.

  ‘Come on, we’re going after him.’

  ‘What? That slimy creep? You’ve got to be joking.’

  Ben had opened the front door and he watched as Tiddles shot out and began trotting quickly up the road. Ben pulled his sister out after the cat. ‘We’re going to follow Tiddles. He’s sure to lead us to Senny. I reckon there’s something fishy going on. There’s something about that woman that I don’t like, something about her eyes that reminded me of someone, but I can’t think who. I just know she’s bad news.’

  Carrie hurried along beside her brother rather reluctantly. ‘Do we have to do this?’

  ‘No, you can go home if you want. But I think Senny’s walking into big trouble, and he’s going to need our help.’

  ‘Serves him right,’ panted Carrie.

  ‘Maybe, but you know as well as I do that he’s just a bit big-headed really. He hasn’t got a clue what’s going on. People take advantage of him. He could be getting into

  really serious danger. Can’t you run any faster? We’re losing Tiddles. Look! There they are, up ahead, Senny and that woman.’

  Sennapod and Seraphina were marching along the street, some way in front, deep in conversation, with Sennapod’s bandages flapping behind him as he strode along. He cut quite a figure.

  ‘Where will my palace be?’ asked the Pharaoh. ‘It will be made of marble, of course, from the Upper Nile?’

  ‘Most certainly, Your Hugely High Highness, the Upper Nile,’ simpered Seraphina, a cheerful smile completely masking her evil thoughts. Behind that smile she was thinking: this man is a fool! Soon I shall get him home and he will be completely in my power and we shall have that treasure map off him in no time at all!

  As for Sennapod, he was just loving it. Someone was treating him like royalty at last – not like that scruffy family and that girl who kept complaining every time he pinched her eyeliner. No, this was the real thing. This woman was obviously someone who was going to treat him properly, with all the pomp and splendour that he deserved.

&nbs
p; ‘And I shall need sixteen bathrooms,’ Sennapod declared.

  ‘Of course. Everyone should have sixteen bathrooms.’

  ‘Only the Pharaoh has sixteen bathrooms,’ Sennapod corrected her. ‘The rest can make do with buckets.’

  ‘That’s fine,’ nodded Seraphina. ‘Buckets for the rest of the world. Come on, not far to go now.’

  Seraphina cast a backward glance. The hairs on the back of her neck were prickling and she had the distinct feeling that they were being followed. She failed to notice Crusher of Worms, trotting along quite happily almost at Senny’s feet. She also failed to see Ben and Carrie suddenly dart out of sight for fear of being spotted.

  However, she did notice the ambulance. It had been following them now for some minutes, keeping pace with Seraphina’s walking speed. The lights were not flashing. The siren was silent. But it was clear that the ambulance was trailing them. A face at the passenger window was staring out at her. What on earth were they up to?

  The ambulance put on a little spurt so that it was now cruising right beside Sennapod and Seraphina. The passenger window slid down and a paramedic called to them.

  ‘Where are you two off to, then?’

  ‘Mind your own business,’ snapped Seraphina.

  This is our business,’ insisted the paramedic. ‘That’s one of our hospital patients there. He shouldn’t be out on the streets in that condition.”

  Seraphina relaxed and smiled. It was just a stupid mistake, caused by all the bandages. It could easily be explained. ‘No, no, he’s not a patient,’ she corrected. ‘He’s an Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh from the Four Fifths Dynasty.’

  ‘Really? And I’m the King of China. Come on, let’s get him into the ambulance and we’ll take him back to hospital.’

  Seraphina stopped, and so did the ambulance. She scowled at the paramedic. ‘I am telling you he is not one your patients. He’s a Pharaoh!’

  ‘In that case you won’t mind if we ask him who he is,’ said the paramedic. The ambulance doors opened and out stepped two of them. ‘Would you mind telling us your name, sir?’

  Sennapod was not going to utter his real name. That was sacred. ‘My name is He Whose Name Shall Rumble Down The Ages,’ he declared.

  ‘Nobody has a stupid name like that,’ said the other paramedic. ‘I think you had better get into the back of the ambulance quietly or I shall have to inject you with a tranquillizer.’

  ‘You can’t do this!’ cried Seraphina, stepping between Sennapod and the paramedics. ‘This man is the “Face of the Future”.’

  ‘Really? Well, I don’t like the look of his face at all. He’s wearing eyeliner and rouge.’

  ‘All the Ancient Egyptians wore eyeliner and rouge!’ Seraphina yelled. ‘Didn’t they teach you anything at school?’

  ‘Listen, lady, are you going to let us take this patient back to the hospital or not?’

  ‘Definitely not!’ bellowed Seraphina, and she began struggling with the paramedics.

  Sennapod flung out both arms and roared, ‘Begone, foul pests! How dare you manhandle my true servant? I shall crush you beneath my feet like small beetles.’

  The paramedics glanced at each other and nodded as one. ‘He’s definitely gone mad. Right, you, into the ambulance.’ And, without further ado, Sennapod was bundled unceremoniously into the ambulance and away it went, siren wailing.

  That left Seraphina standing by the side of the road, stamping her feet and bellowing after the rapidly disappearing vehicle, ‘You stupid fools! I’d almost got him home. The treasure was almost in my grasp. I’ll find you!’ she screeched. ‘I’ll find you, wherever you are!’ She searched through her handbag, grabbed her mobile and quickly dialled home.

  The idiot’s gone and got himself kidnapped by paramedics!’ she yelled down the phone to an astonished Grimstone. They must have taken him to the local hospital. I’m going get a taxi there now and get him back. Once I’ve explained everything properly, they’ll understand. You two see if you can do something useful until I get back, right?’

  Seraphina shoved the phone back in her bag, waved one fat arm high in the air and screeched at the top of her voice, ‘Taxi!’

  Nobody seemed to notice the very sleek and elegant black cat that was now trotting purposefully up the road. Crusher of Worms had no idea where the hospital was, but somehow he could sense where his master

  was, and he was going to make sure that they were reunited.

  This whole drama had also been watched by Carrie and Ben. They had taken care not to get themselves involved. They wanted to see what would happen, and they were as surprised as Seraphina was when Sennapod was stuffed into the ambulance and removed.

  ‘Where do you think they’ll take him?’ pondered Ben.

  Carrie put a finger to her chin and gave a theatrical frown. ‘Now I wonder where ambulances usually go?’

  ‘All right, stupid question,’ admitted Ben. ‘We’d better get back and tell Mum and Dad.’ So they turned and headed back to the house.

  *

  Mrs and Mrs Lightspeed were very concerned to learn what had been going on. ‘I can’t believe such a thing could happen,’ complained Mrs Lightspeed. ‘Why on earth did they think he was a hospital patient?’

  ‘Mum, he was covered from head to toe in designer bandages,’ explained Carrie. ‘Ever since that “Face of the Future” competition Sennapod’s worn nothing else. Then he went around, cursing the ambulance men in his usual friendly way. Not only did he look like an escaped patient, he acted like a madman.’

  ‘Why didn’t you stop them?’ asked Mr Lightspeed.

  Ben and Carrie glanced at each other. Neither of them felt they were on very safe ground. They had no evidence to prove that something odd was going on, only their gut feelings.

  The woman who came and spoke to Senny – she was weird,’ said Ben.

  ‘Darling, Sennapod’s weird,’ said Eve Lightspeed, smiling.

  ‘I know. But she was promising him a palace and handmaidens and everything. He believed her, but I didn’t. I mean, nobody can go round promising palaces and handmaidens, can they?’

  Mr Lightspeed shook his head. That’s true, and it does make things seem a bit fishy. I’m afraid there’s more bad news, too. Your mum and I were just watching the news on telly. Grimstone and Jelly have escaped.’

  ‘What?’ chorused the children in dismay.

  ‘Exactly. I think we had better try and find Sennapod fast, before he gets himself into serious trouble. He’s obviously been taken to the nearest hospital, so it shouldn’t be difficult to track him down. But I reckon those two criminals will be after him, too. Come on, into the ice-cream van. It’s time we went and played Hunt the Pharaoh.’

  8 Hospitalized!

  Grimstone put down the telephone and began to pace the room. Professor Jelly watched and waited. Grimstone had a scowling, thoughtful look on his face and Jelly knew it was a bad time to disturb him.

  ‘Do something useful, that’s what Mummy said,’ muttered Grimstone. ‘Do something useful. Something useful that we can do. Go to the hospital? No! We’d be recognized. Find the map? Hmmmm. Now there’s a good idea. There’s only two possible places it can be – Sennapod has it with him, or he has hidden it at the house of those pesky children.’

  Professor Jelly decided to risk a small suggestion. ‘Why don’t we go and burgle the house?’

  ‘Because the moment we go out of here we shall be recognized and arrested!’ snapped Grimstone.

  ‘We could disguise ourselves,’ Jelly said.

  ‘And suppose the family is in the house when we want to burgle it?’ snapped Grimstone.

  ‘Suppose they’re out?’ Jelly snapped back. He was beginning to get fed up with Grimstone bossing him around. He thought his ideas were pretty clever.

  ‘Fine. All right. We go and burgle the house. So what are we going to dress up as? Donald Duck and Superman? Or how about this for an idea: we dress up as burglars!’

  Professor Jelly ignore
d Grimstone’s sarcasm and instead waddled off to the kitchen.

  When he came back he was carrying several rolls of thin, white gauze. He put them on the table and gave his partner-in-crime a moody glance. ‘Designer bandages. We could go out wearing the latest fashion. Nobody will know who we are under all this lot.’

  Grimstone actually smiled. His face almost broke in pieces as he did so because it just wasn’t used to smiling.

  ‘That is a brilliant idea, Jelly. I always thought you were an idiot, but I have to admit, you do have a brain after all.’

  ‘I’m a professor,’ sighed Jelly. ‘You don’t become a professor without doing a lot of learning.’

  ‘Yes, all right, smarty-pants, now stop wasting time and hand me one of those rolls. I’ll do you and then you can do me.’

  It took the two men almost an hour to wind the bandages round each other. It was much more difficult than it looked. At one point Jelly had an entire table lamp bandaged to his back, while Grimstone was so well swaddled he couldn’t see or breathe. He collapsed on the floor, wriggling and writhing and giving feeble, muffled coughs.

  Thinking his friend was having a heart attack, Jelly leapt on top of him and began thumping his chest with his fist. ‘One, two, three, four,’ he counted, before rolling Grimstone across the floor. ‘Into recovery position, then what? Pump arm up and down. No, that doesn’t do anything. Oh dear. Lift legs? No. What comes next? Yes, I know! Mouth-to-mouth.’

  Professor Jelly scrabbled at the bandages across Grimstone’s mouth and started to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

  ‘Splurrgh! Splurrgh!’ choked Grimstone, frantically waving his arms around and trying to push the heavy professor off his chest. ‘Gerroff! What do you think you’re doing?’

  ‘Saving your life,’ Jelly said angrily.

  ‘A likely story. Help me up and bandage my head again – properly this time, so that I can see and breathe, if you don’t mind.’