Let's Do The Pharaoh!

by Jeremy Strong

  Finally they were ready, and they slipped gingerly out through the back door. They collected their bicycles from the shed and set off for the Lightspeeds’ house. All the way they kept a sharp lookout for anyone who might spot who they really were, but they needn’t have bothered. They were not the only ones covered in bandages. On the way to the house they saw at least seven other people sporting the new look. It seemed as if Sennapod’s fashion statement was already catching on.

  When they reached the house, they knocked boldly on the front door and promptly ran round the corner and hid.

  Nobody answered – because, of course, nobody was in. They slipped round to the back of the house. Grimstone broke a rear window and climbed inside. He unlocked the kitchen door and let the professor in. Then they began to search the house.

  They pulled out drawers and tipped their contents on the floor. They opened wardrobes and pulled out all the clothes. They swept everything off the shelves on to the floor, too. Wherever they went, they left a chaotic trail of mess behind them. The more they searched, the crosser they became.

  ‘That map must be here somewhere!’ growled Grimstone. ‘I can almost smell it! Come on, Jelly, think where it could be. If you were going to hide a priceless treasure map, where would you put it?’

  ‘I’d put it somewhere nobody would look,’ Jelly answered truthfully.

  ‘Fool! That doesn’t get us anywhere! I’ve had it. I give up.’ Grimstone flung himself down in an armchair amid the jumble of papers and books and clothes. Then just as suddenly he jumped to his feet again.

  ‘OΚ, I know what to do. We’ll go to the hospital.’

  ‘But we shall be recognized.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. We’re in disguise. Nobody recognized us on the way here. We go to the hospital, find that sneaky son of a snake, Sennapod, and make him give us the map.’

  ‘I’m not sure about this…’ began Jelly.

  ‘Do you want to be rich beyond your wildest dreams?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Let’s go then.’

  The two men got back on their bikes, and this time they set off for the hospital.

  It just so happened that Petty Officer Fudd was out doing a bit of shopping. He was looking for a new uniform, and while he was out and about he saw the two men cycling up the street. They didn’t notice him, but he noticed them. They were very noticeable. If you saw two people wearing bandages from head to toe and riding bikes, you would probably stare too, and this is what Fudd did.

  He was not sure that he recognized them, but there was something about that huge, sharp nose, even beneath bandages, that seemed familiar. And there was something about that short, fat, podgy shape that looked so much like someone he knew. Fudd stared and stared, and then he hurried to a telephone.

  When Grimstone and Jelly reached the hospital, they found themselves in a rather confusing situation. Almost everyone there seemed to be in bandages.

  ‘Which one is Sennapod, do you think?’ asked Grimstone.

  ‘I don’t know, but I have just spotted the Lightspeeds – all four of them. They must be here for the same reason. If we follow them, they might lead us to the Pharaoh.’

  Professor Jelly was about to hurry away when he found himself challenged by the sturdy, well-filled shape of Matron Stubby. ‘And where do you think you’re going?’

  ‘Urn, I’m er…’ Jelly couldn’t think what to say.

  ‘He’s with me,’ snapped Grimstone. ‘Come on, Jelly this way.’ The two crooks seemed to have forgotten that they were encased in bandages and looked for all the world like hospital patients.

  Matron Stubby moved herself into their path. ‘You two boys are going nowhere in that condition. Come on, back into bed with you. Shoo! Shoo!’ And so saying, Matron Stubby pushed them towards a couple of beds. The beds were already occupied, but Matron made the other patients move to one side. ‘It’s two in a bed these days, and don’t you dare complain or I shall make you share pyjamas, too. Don’t let me see any of you out of bed again! Is that clear?’

  ‘Yes, Matron,’ the other two patients agreed meekly, while Grimstone and Jelly ground their teeth.

  9 Bandages and Bedpans

  Seraphina Grimstone was getting crosser and crosser and more and more hot. She had been through almost every ward in the hospital, and not without difficulty. She had had to give blood at the Blood Donor Clinic. Then she had stumbled into the X-Ray Department by mistake and promptly had her entire body photographed.

  She had also ended up lying on the floor of the Ante-Natal Classes, where she had to pretend she was having a baby and do special breathing exercises. From here she went to the Physiotherapy Unit, where she spent half an hour doing aerobics until she collapsed from exhaustion.

  Gasping for breath, Seraphina looked around her, desperately seeking an escape route, and spied a door that was slightly ajar. Dragging her aching body through, she found herself at the side of the hospital swimming pool. Surely she was safe now? The pool was full of people and she wasn’t wearing a cozzie, so there was no way she could be involved in that, or so she thought.

  ‘Ah, there you are!’ cried a jovial young man, over two metres tall and built like a rugby player. ‘Wondered when you would show up.’ The man turned to the bathers in the pool. ‘It’s all right, ladies, here she is at last. OK, in you go!’ And without further ado he pushed Seraphina Grimstone into the water.

  She was surprised, to say the least. She rose to the surface, soaked to the skin, spluttering, coughing, and trying to protest. Before she could let out a single squeak, several bathers had seized her and were dragging her across the pool. Somehow Seraphina had got involved in Life-Saving Classes.

  At the far end of the pool she was hauled out, like a large, beached whale. The bathers, who were all nurses on a first-aid course, gathered round, and at last Seraphina managed to blurt out a few words. ‘Get away from me, you stupid clowns! I am not your drowning dummy! Look at me! Look at my dress! I’m soaking! I shall sue the lot of you!’

  Perhaps it was more than just a few words. Whatever, they had the desired effect.

  The bathers shrank back, leaving only the seven-foot rugby player grinning down at her. ‘Sorry!’ he said, rather too cheerfully, as Seraphina struggled to her feet.

  Her eyes narrowed. Her mouth quivered. She took a deep breath and pushed him into the pool. ‘Sorry,’ she echoed, wiping her hands.

  ‘I can’t swim,’ he gurgled.

  ‘Good,’ snapped Seraphina. As she swept away from the pool she heard several loud splashes as bathers dived into the water. At least they had someone else to practise on. The door banged shut behind her and Seraphina squelched off into the changing room, looking for a place to dry herself off.

  ‘You’d think there’d at least be a hair-drier around here,’ she muttered crossly but all she could find was a sauna, so she went and sat in there for ten minutes, until she was so hot she could no longer bear it. She staggered out with her clothes steaming.

  The Lightspeeds were having better luck. By following the trail of cats, they had at last found Sennapod in the Observation Ward. It was quite remarkable how the Pharaoh attracted these animals. Nobody knew how he did it, but he did. The children had often noticed that, if they were out with Senny he was often trailed by cats. Cats adored him, and the fact that no animals were allowed in the hospital was not going to stop them entering.

  Crusher of Worms was the first to arrive, much to Sennapod’s delight. Rustbucket was not far behind. An unknown ginger moggy jumped in through a window. A tabby mother and her six kittens hitched a ride on a passing trolley and soon landed up at the end of Sennapod’s bed. In fact there must have been about twenty cats in all, cleaning their whiskers, curled up on the bed or sitting on the window ledge as if they were on guard duty.

  There was one other reason why Sennapod had been easy to find. He was surrounded not only by cats but also by the hospital staff. They were pressing forwards from all angles. The Lig
htspeeds assumed that these medical people must be examining him, but as they drew closer they realized that, of all things, these people were asking for his autograph. He was sitting up in bed, looking very regal indeed. In fact it was almost as if he were seated on a throne.

  ‘We saw you on the telly’ said the hospital staff. ‘We recognized you when you were brought in. We think you look so cool.’

  ‘Hot is the new cool,’ the Pharaoh carefully explained.

  ‘Can you put, “To Tracey Love and Kisses”? Oh thank you!’ The nurse bent forward and gave Sennapod a kiss on the cheek. He turned scarlet.

  ‘You may come to my palace,’ he told her. ‘You can all come to my palace and be my handmaidens.’

  ‘I don’t want to be a handmaiden,’ sniffed a male nurse.

  ‘You will do what the Pharaoh says,’ growled Sennapod.

  Ben poked his head round one of the doctors and beamed at the ancient patient. ‘Hi, Senny! Are you all right?’

  ‘I am fine, Ben. As you can see, I am being worshipped. These people are my slaves.’

  ‘Oh, he’s so cute,’ cried a nurse. ‘I love it when he talks like that.’

  Carrie frowned angrily. ‘It’s not a game. Stop playing with him. You all think it’s a game, but it isn’t for him. He thinks it’s all real.’ She forced her way to the Pharaoh’s bedside. ‘Senny will you come home with us?’

  Sennapod shook his head. ‘I am going to get a palace. I must wait here. I am expecting it at any moment.’

  ‘Senny, there is no palace –’ Carrie began, but she was drowned out by a new voice.

  ‘Oh yes there is,’ cried Seraphina Grimstone, pushing her steaming body to the front. ‘His palace is being built right at this moment. Now would you mind all going away and leaving my client in peace? I am his agent and if you wish to see him you will have to deal with me first.’

  ‘Oh no you don’t! That man belongs to me. I made him what he is today, a fashion icon!’ It was Tamara Salata, still with her hair exploding in multi-colours and with what looked remarkably like a large fish skeleton stuck on top.

  ‘Just a moment,’ cried Mrs Lightspeed, pushing through the gathering crowd. ‘You can all go away. This is our Sennapod, and he lives with us and he is coming home with us, aren’t you, Senny?’

  ‘How dare you mess my patients about!’ boomed Matron Stubby, appearing from nowhere. ‘This man is in no condition to go anywhere. He can’t move. What do you think those bandages are for? He is obviously suffering from a thousand per cent burns, two broken legs, two broken arms, cracked ribs, cracked head, cracked mind and I believe he has a dangerous pimple somewhere. That man stays here!’

  And then a chilling command sent shivers through the entire hospital. ‘Nobody move!’ bellowed Grimstone, from behind the gathering crowd. ‘Or the fat nurse gets it!’

  A cry of horror went up and everyone turned round at this new development. Somewhere in the ward Grimstone and Jelly had found a nurse’s uniform, and now Jelly was wearing it. Grimstone had one arm round Jelly’s throat and was pretending to threaten him. ‘Don’t come any closer or I shall use this!’

  There was another cry of horror from the crowd as Grimstone flourished a large bedpan in the air.

  ‘Move away from the Pharaoh,’ Grimstone ordered.

  Seraphina rushed across to her son, her face beaming. ‘Oh my cutie-pie, you’re so clever. Who’s a dinky-winky diddums, then?’

  ‘Mum, not here, stop it. Right! Everyone stand over there. You, Pharaoh, get yourself over here, now!’

  A hush fell on the ward. Everyone turned to the Pharaoh as if he held the answer to everything… and that was when the doors burst open and the hospital was suddenly filled with policemen.

  10 Doing the Pharaoh

  ‘Arrest those men with all the bandages!’ yelled Petty Officer Fudd. He did not seem to have noticed that almost everyone on the ward was covered in bandages, either because there was something genuinely wrong with them or because they were following the latest fashion trend.

  Twenty policemen raced round the ward, waving handcuffs at everyone in bandages. A chorus of ‘I arrest you in the name of the law!’ went up. This was quickly followed by a rather mumbled chorus of ‘Oh, sorry, wrong one.’

  Five minutes later the policemen still hadn’t actually arrested anyone, and they stood, scratching their heads, in the middle of the ward, their handcuffs dangling uselessly at their sides, gazing with increasing bewilderment at eighteen patients, all dressed from head to toe in bandages. One policeman was brave enough to ask Officer Fudd exactly which two men he wanted arrested.

  Fudd had no problem with this. He had never forgiven Grimstone and Jelly for trying to turn him into a giant cake. He pointed out the short fat mummy and the one with the large thin nose. The policemen pounced.

  Fudd ambled slowly across to the two men as they struggled in the arms of the police. ‘Well, well,’ he said. ‘So now you are disguising yourselves as one fashion victim and a nurse. Will you never grow out of playing dressing-up games? And don’t think you can slip away without being spotted, Mrs Grimstone. I can see you. Put the ‘cuffs on her, Sergeant, and let’s take them away.’

  Fudd would have left at once, only half the policemen were hanging back, trying to get Sennapod’s autograph.

  ‘Love those bandages,’ said one. ‘I’ve got my own set at home. Versace – they’re the bizz.’

  ‘I’ve got some of that fabulous eyeliner,’ said another, ‘with glitter in it. I’m going clubbing tonight. You’ve changed our lives, Mr Pharaoh.’ A loud chorus of approval came from the other policemen.

  The Lightspeeds could not believe this display of enthusiasm. But even as they were leaving the hospital they began to realize that Sennapod’s appearance on television had indeed sparked off a new trend. There were more and more people out on the street, all wrapped up and trailing bandages, women and men. They had rouge on their cheeks. They wore thick black eyeliner. Some had perfumed candles stuck to their heads, just like the Ancient Egyptians used to have.

  And they all danced the ‘Pharaoh’. That is what the new dance had been called, in Sennapod’s honour. Everywhere people were doing the Pharaoh, twisting their bodies into strange shapes and making those odd, hen-pecking movements with their heads.

  The fame might have gone to Sennapod’s head. After all, he already had a huge belief in his own importance. But he was strangely quiet on the way home, sitting in the back of the ice-cream van. Crusher of Worms and Rustbucket both sat on his lap, purring quietly, while Carrie and Ben fussed around the ancient Pharaoh, making sure he was all right.

  ‘Do you feel ill, Senny? You’ve had a bad day.’

  Sennapod shook his head. He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and turned to Carrie. ‘I am a fool,’ he said.

  ‘Wow!’ murmured Ben. ‘You ust be ill! You’d never say something like that normally!’

  ‘I’m sorry’ the Pharaoh added stiffly. These were difficult words for him to speak. Pharaohs did not normally apologize to anyone. ‘I was tricked by that foul woman whose heart shall be squeezed between two elephants and whose body shall rot in a snake pit for a million years. I left the only people who have ever truly cared for me, who looked after me. Please accept my apology.’

  Carrie looked straight at Sennapod. His face was so, so ancient, and from such a strange and different world. But under all that pomp and bluster was an ordinary human being, a real human being. On impulse she put a hand to the Pharaoh’s cheek and held it there gently.

  A smile broke out on Senny’s crinkled face. ‘You are a true handmaiden of the Pharaoh,’ he declared.

  ‘No, I’m not, Senny. I’m not your handmaiden at all, and neither is Mum. We’ve told you that before. You do your own ironing and you scrub your own back. We’re not worms either, or frogs or beetles or whatever else you like to call us.’

  ‘A true friend, maybe?’ suggested the Pharaoh, and Carrie smiled.

  ‘T
hat will do nicely.’

  It was not all good news, though. The Lightspeeds had a nasty shock waiting for them when they got home. They had been burgled. They could not believe the mess the house was in. They didn’t know for certain that it was the work of Grimstone and Jelly, but they were pretty sure. It was exactly the sort of thing the two crooks would have done.

  ‘They must have been after the map again,’ said Ben, turning to Sennapod. ‘It’s a good thing it’s safe. It is safe, isn’t it, Senny?’

  The Pharaoh nodded. ‘I hid it months ago. It is somewhere nobody will ever think of looking. Now that I trust you, I can show you. Come.’

  He led the way upstairs and into the bathroom. Mr Lightspeed’s face fell. ‘Oh, not again! I’d almost finished redecorating this after that business with the shower. Those robbers have trashed the place!’

  However, Mr Lightspeed’s despair was not nearly as painful as Sennapod’s. He was staring in horror at the blank space on the wall where the bathroom mirror had been. ‘The map,’ he croaked. ‘It’s gone! They have taken the map! It was behind the bathroom mirror!’

  Everyone now focused on the blank space as if they were trying to wish the map back into its hiding place. But the mirror wasn’t there and the map had gone.

  Sennapod sank to his knees and buried his face in his hands. ‘I shall never reach my kingdom in the sky. Without my treasure, the gods will not recognize me and I shall be forced to wander the endless eternity of space, a nameless, homeless spirit.’

  Mr Lightspeed reached down with a comforting hand and patted Sennapod gently on the shoulder. ‘You think you’ve got problems! I’ve got this whole bathroom to redecorate – for the third time! Anyhow, I think this might cheer you up.’ Mr Lightspeed took a flat, folded sheet of brown paper out of his pocket and passed it to the Pharaoh.