A Love Like This

by Maria Duffy

  It was a gorgeous day, considering it was coming into the winter months, and he was happy to take his time walking towards Trinity College. He couldn’t believe he was actually studying law. The one thing he’d always promised himself he wouldn’t do. But he’d done a good Leaving Cert, got the points and had just been carried along by his mother’s wishes. It wasn’t so bad, really. He’d no intention of ever working as a solicitor like his mother, but college was proving to be fun so he’d just bide his time there for the moment.

  He stared up at the Spire in the centre of O’Connell Street as he headed towards O’Connell Bridge and immediately spots floated in front of his eyes from the glare of the sun. He hated that the summer was over again for another year and thought about his childhood plans. He still hadn’t given up on his dreams to travel and some day, whenever he felt the time was right, he’d say goodbye to his parents and step out on his own for the first time in his life.

  He’d mentioned it once to them and they’d balked at the idea. ‘Don’t think for a minute we’ll be supporting any such foolishness,’ his mother had said. ‘You have a perfectly good home here and a ready-made job when you finish college.’ Although he wanted independence, it wasn’t easy to turn his back on the allowance that was sent to his account every month and suffer the wrath of his parents at the same time. He’d do it some day but for now he’d have to live their dreams rather than his own.

  ‘Hiya, mate.’ Will looked up to see his friend Jack falling in step with him as they walked in the entrance of Trinity College. ‘What time have you a break at? Want to meet for lunch?’

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ said Will, pulling out his timetable to check his schedule. ‘Canteen at 12.30?’

  ‘Fine by me. See you later so.’ He veered off and headed in the opposite direction across the campus.

  Jack Fitzpatrick was a great example of a kid who hadn’t turned out anything like everyone thought he would. He’d been Will’s best friend in school but had always been in trouble. Will’s parents had often said: ‘That child will end up in prison, you mark my words’ or ‘He’s a wrong one, that one.’ How wrong they’d been. Jack had met a girl in fourth year and she’d turned everything around for him. She was a science geek – the sort of girl Jack would have laughed at in the past – but he’d fallen head over heels in love with her. He’d turned his attention to his books and discovered a love of learning that he’d never known he had. He was now studying science along with Tessa and it often made Will a little jealous to see them together. They were like soulmates – ‘Cut from the same cloth,’ his nan would have said. He’d been through his fair share of girls himself but none of them had felt like the one for him. Maybe one day he’d meet his soulmate but not before he became that adventurer that his ten-year-old self always dreamed of.

  Chapter 6

  February 2008

  Will downed his vodka in one and winced as the liquid burned the back of his throat.

  ‘Jesus!’ said Jack, taking a sip of his own pint. ‘Take it easy with that.’

  ‘I know. I just needed that first one. Honestly, if you’d had the day I had, you’d be doing the same.’

  ‘Mummy on your back again, was she?’ Jack wagged his finger at Will in a teacher-like manner and Will made a friendly swipe at him.

  ‘I’m so fuckin’ fed up, Jack. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve been saying since the day I left school that I was going to go off and see the world and here I am, five years later, still stuck in a rut and doing the one thing I swore I’d never do.’

  Jack didn’t respond so Will continued.

  ‘I mean, working as a solicitor is bad enough but working with my mother is hell on earth. I can’t move sideways without her breathing down my neck. She wants us to have lunches together, go to and from work together … honestly, it’s a nightmare.’

  ‘Do something about it, then. Nobody is holding a gun to your head.’

  Will glared at his friend. ‘It’s not that easy.’

  ‘It’s as easy or as difficult as you make it. Look, you’re a young guy, you’ve got qualifications now and you’ve no ties. Your mother will always be your mother but you’ve got to learn to be yourself. Get yourself out into the world and do what you’ve always wanted to do.’

  ‘That’s okay for you to say, with your perfect job and your perfect woman. Your life is pretty much sorted.’

  Jack slammed his pint down on the table. ‘Get a fucking grip, Will. Nothing is ever perfect. Things aren’t always what they look like from the outside.’

  The outburst took Will by surprise. ‘Is there something wrong, Jack? Are you and Tessa okay?’

  Jack fiddled with a beer mat.

  ‘Jack? Talk to me.’

  ‘It’s just that … ah, it’s nothing. Don’t mind me.’

  ‘Tell me,’ said Will, beginning to worry. ‘You know you can talk to me about anything.’

  Suddenly a smile spread across Jack’s face. ‘Me and Tessa are talking about taking things to the next level – marriage, kids, a mortgage.’

  Will looked at him in surprise. ‘Seriously? Wow! That’s brilliant news. I wasn’t expecting to hear that.’

  ‘And why not?’ Jack raised an eyebrow. ‘Did you not think Tessa and I would last?’

  ‘I knew you two would last. I just didn’t expect you to be talking about the pitter-patter of little feet just yet. I’m a bit jealous, if I’m honest. Here’s you with your life mapped out and I haven’t even decided what I want to do with mine.’

  ‘Well, the first thing you need to do is move out of that house. You’re twenty-two, for God’s sake. Who still lives with their parents at that age?’

  Will sighed. ‘I know. It’s just the effort of looking for somewhere and, besides, I’m not sure I could take the hysterics from my mother when I’d tell her I’m moving out.’

  Jack shook his head. ‘Grow a pair, man, will you? And what about Laura? I thought you two were getting close. Would you not think of moving in with her?’

  ‘God no,’ said Will, a little too quickly. ‘Laura is great but definitely not live-in material. It’s just a bit of fun.’

  ‘Well, you’d want to tell her that. Tessa was talking to her the other day and she was saying how she felt things were moving in the right direction.’

  ‘Shit. I think I’ll be having a chat with her this weekend. She’s a lovely girl, but there’s just nothing there. Nothing like what you have with Tessa.’

  Jack smiled. ‘When you’ve found the right one, you’ll know.’

  ‘As I said before, you’re a lucky man.’ Will saw how Jack’s eyes lit up at the mention of Tessa. They’d been together six years now and they were more in love than any couple he’d ever seen. Part of him wanted a relationship like that but the other part of him knew that he needed to go travelling. If he met someone and settled down now, he’d always regret not going out and seeing the world. But Jack was right; he needed to grow a pair and start to live his own life. He’d spent twenty-two years doing exactly what his parents wanted him to do and now it was time he did something for himself. But he’d just have to find the right moment to broach the subject with them.

  ‘Another one for the road?’ said Jack, breaking into his thoughts.

  ‘Go on, then. Maybe just one more.’ He watched his friend go to the bar and wished he could swap places with him. His own life was an embarrassment. He even drank vodka instead of beer so his parents wouldn’t smell alcohol off his breath. They knew he’d have a glass of champagne at a function or a glass of wine over dinner, but other than that, they thought he didn’t indulge at all. How ridiculous was that? But he’d spent a lifetime with them, living the life they wanted him to live and trying to be who they wanted him to be. Old habits die hard.

  ‘So tell me more about your plans with Tessa.’ Jack was back from the bar with the drinks and Will was aware that he’d monopolised most of the conversation with moans about his situation. He wasn’t usually so fed up but seeing
Jack so happy always made him feel he was missing out on something.

  ‘Nothing much to tell really,’ said Jack, taking a slug of his pint and sitting back on the seat. ‘She thinks we’re throwing money away by renting when we both have good jobs and could afford a mortgage. She feels that after six years together, we should be thinking about where our future is going.’

  ‘But what do you think? Are you ready for all that responsibility?’

  ‘I was born ready, mate.’ Jack beamed but Will noticed the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

  ‘Are you sure everything is okay?’ Will asked, searching his friend’s face. ‘It’s really great that you’re settling down but I sense you’re not completely sure about it.’

  Jack was about to say something then took a sip of his pint instead.

  ‘Come on, Jack. What is it? If you’re having doubts about Tessa, don’t let yourself get carried away in a fairy tale. You have to say something.’

  Jack’s head shot up. ‘I’m not having doubts, Will. I adore Tessa. You know that. I suppose it’s just scary to think of a mortgage, a wife, kids. I’ll have to grow up once and for all.’

  Will laughed at that. ‘Well, it’s understandable you’d feel like that. It’s a big step but I’ve no doubt it’s the right one for you. You two were made for each other.’

  ‘Right, enough about me,’ said Jack. ‘We came out tonight to sort you out. Remember? Now what are we going to do about getting you a life of your own?’

  Another hour and two more drinks later, they were ready to leave the pub. Will felt more positive than he’d done in a while. Jack was a tonic. He’d phoned him earlier to ask him to go for a pint in town but Will had refused at first because of it being a Monday. Jack had pushed him, saying that he was fed up of him moaning about things and he wanted to talk to him about getting his act together. Who would have thought it – Jack Fitzpatrick giving advice? It was probably because of him getting his own life sorted that he wanted to see Will do the same.

  ‘Burger and chips?’ Jack asked, as they stumbled down the street.

  ‘Definitely. I’ll need a good feed inside me to sober me up before I go home.’

  Jack punched him playfully on the shoulder. ‘Have you not listened to a word I said tonight? Be drunk! Go home and wear your drunkenness like a badge of honour. Be happy.’

  Will laughed and threw an arm around his friend as they walked. Maybe it was the alcohol giving him Dutch courage but he suddenly felt ready to face his parents and tell them he was moving on. The future was looking bright and it was thanks to a friendly nudge from Jack. It was good of him to want to spread the happiness. Will hoped that one day, when he was ready, he’d fall in love and be as happy and settled as Jack was.

  * * *

  Will looked at his bedside clock for about the tenth time in the last hour: 4.10 a.m. He shut his eyes tight and willed sleep to come but he got nothing but a head full of jumbled thoughts. The alcohol was making him feel woozy but he was sober enough to feel worried about his conversation with Jack earlier. Something didn’t feel right.

  Jack was always so self-assured. So confident in knowing what he wanted and not afraid of going for it. But there was something about how he was acting tonight. Not cagey exactly, but unsure. Manic, even. He’d been serious one minute and it had seemed as though he was going to tell Will something. Then he’d changed his mind and was full of chat about his and Tessa’s plans for the future. It just didn’t ring true.

  Will turned onto his other side and his legs became tangled in the duvet. He kicked in frustration until he’d knocked it right onto the floor. God, he wished he could think straight. That he could figure out what was up with Jack. Because the more he thought about it, the more he was sure that his friend had other things on his mind than talk of marriage and kids.

  He wished he hadn’t monopolised the conversation so much. Maybe if he’d given Jack a better chance to speak, he’d have told him what was worrying him. Suddenly his eyes became heavy and it seemed sleep was going to come at last. Thank God for that. He’d make sure to ring Jack tomorrow and arrange to meet up again. And this time he’d be insisting that Jack was the centre of attention. If Will had been guilty of not listening enough lately, he was damn well going to make up for it from now on. Jack was the best friend he’d ever had and there was nothing he wouldn’t do for him.

  Chapter 7

  Will was in a daze. It didn’t feel real. How could this have happened? He was suddenly gripped with a pain in his stomach and had to run to the bathroom. He vomited again and again into the hand basin and when he was done he sat down on the tiled floor and let the tears flow. It was as though someone had reached right inside him and ripped his guts out.

  ‘Are you okay in there, William?’ came a voice from outside the door. ‘Your daddy and I are worried about you. You’ve had such a shock.’

  ‘I’m okay, Mum. I’ll be out in a minute.’ He honestly didn’t know if he’d ever be okay again.

  Jack. Funny, happy, clever Jack. His best friend, Jack, was dead.

  He’d got a frantic phone call from Tessa earlier. She was crying and screaming for him to get over there. She’d come home from work to find Jack hanging from a noose in the bedroom. Will’s immediate reaction was to ask if she was joking. How stupid was that? And then if she was sure. That’s how ridiculous it seemed. It had only been two days since their night in the pub when Will had envied him for having such a perfect life.

  He formed a fist with his right hand and, closing his eyes, he punched himself in the head. Surely he’d wake up in a minute. He’d open his eyes and be curled up in his bed and would breathe a sigh of relief that it had all been an awful nightmare. He took a few deep breaths and opened his eyes slowly. There was no nightmare. Only the cold, hard reality that his best friend was dead.

  He’d taken his mother’s car and had driven like a maniac to the house Jack had been renting with Tessa on the Navan Road. By then, the house had been filled with people in uniforms, who were going through the motions of filling out reports and doing their jobs. He’d followed the ambulance to the hospital where he’d met Jack’s parents. It was then he’d learned about Jack’s depression. He’d been close to him for most of his life but he’d never known.

  Apparently Jack had suffered from depression from the time he was twelve. His parents had hidden it from everyone. To protect him, they’d said. But Will knew enough about people like them to know that they’d been looking out for themselves. They probably thought that having a son with depression would reflect badly on them. They didn’t want the finger pointed at them when they were hobnobbing at the golf club or dining with their middle-class friends.

  And poor Tessa. She’d been living with the guy for the last two years, going out with him for six, and she’d never known. The poor girl had been inconsolable. She’d said over and over again that if she’d known about the depression, she wouldn’t have put so much pressure on him to get a mortgage or settle down. But it wasn’t her fault. And none of that really mattered now anyway. Jack was dead and no amount of pointing the finger was going to bring him back.

  A gentle tap on the door startled him. He had no clue how long he’d been sitting there.

  ‘Come on, pet,’ said his mother, in an uncharacteristic show of emotion. ‘Please come out and talk to us.’

  Talk to them. That’s what Jack had wanted him to do. And now that he thought of it, Jack had asked him out that night to try and push him into following his dreams. He must have planned his death. And one of his priorities had been to make sure his best friend was going to be okay. But Will still couldn’t understand how he could have done something so horrendous.

  He reached out to grab the edge of the sink and pulled himself onto his feet. Wincing at his face in the mirror, he splashed some cold water on it and ran his fingers through his hair. The coming days were going to be tough but he was going to get through them. And then he was going to quit his job and go and do what he
should have done years ago.

  As he opened the bathroom door, memories of their childhood flooded his mind. He could hear Jack shouting: ‘Run like fuck!’ when their football hopped off Mr Lenihan’s car as he was driving out of the school yard. He pictured the two of them trying to hold in their giggles as Jack let a loud fart escape in history class. Or the time Jack broke his Bunsen burner in science and swapped his for Tracey Dillon’s so she’d get the blame.

  ‘Why did you do it, Jack? Why, why, why?’ He felt his mother’s arms around him then and he wept on her shoulder. Things would never be the same again.

  Chapter 8

  Donna and Tina blessed themselves as the funeral cars passed. They were sitting outside on the railings where Tina was having a smoke. Donna liked the idea that her sister was a smoker. She was so perfect in everything else she did that somehow the smoking thing made her seem more human.

  ‘Looks like a big funeral,’ said Tina, indicating the endless stream of cars that were following the hearse. ‘Seeing a coffin always gives me the shivers. God love them, whoever they are.’

  ‘It could be that guy from down the road. The suicide one. Apparently he was only my age.’

  Tina shook her head. ‘Awful, isn’t it? So young with a whole life ahead of him. I wonder what makes people do it.’

  ‘I honestly don’t know. I can’t imagine contemplating it, no matter how bad things got.’

  ‘Come on, let’s go inside.’ Tina took a long drag of her cigarette and stubbed it out on the ground. ‘I’ll make us a nice cup of tea.’

  Ten minutes later they were drinking tea and eating some of the cakes Donna had brought home from the bakery the previous day. The passing funeral had brought a sombre air to the house and both were lost in thought.