Heart's Desire

by Lanigan, Catherine

  “Thanks,” she said as she climbed in.

  Nate shut the door and jogged around to the driver’s side. “You’re beautiful,” he said, grabbing his seat belt. He studied her with that straight, hard expression he often had when he was making judgments. She remembered that look. He wasn’t just complimenting her to be courteous or nice. He meant it.

  And that meant a lot to her.

  “You look...tired,” she replied and instinctively put her hand on his cheek. It was amazing, she thought, how easily she fell back to the emotional place they’d been in eleven years ago. She cared about how he felt, both physically and mentally. It felt so natural to pick up where they’d left off. “Are you okay?”

  “Just getting used to my new routine at the hospital.” He put his own hand over hers and caressed it. “I guess I haven’t had much sleep lately.”

  “I have the same problem,” she commiserated. “Tonight will be no exception.”

  The night before had been filled with remembering Alex and his kisses. When Maddie was with Nate, she felt guilty thinking about another man. It was almost like being unfaithful. But she wasn’t, was she?

  Nate looked deeply into Maddie’s eyes, not understanding her implication. “Tonight?”

  “I have to bake about three hundred cupcakes,” she said truthfully. Then after that I’ll probably get a text from Alex. Possibly even one from you.

  “Is that all?”

  “Give or take,” she said, realizing she still had her hand on his cheek. She lowered both their hands together but did not retract hers yet. She liked the way her hand felt in his. She liked it a lot. And that was another surprise to her. She was so unsure of the reactions Nate elicited in her it felt as if her mind had gone away on vacation.

  Nate was the guy of her past. Not her present. And who could ever guess about the future? All she wanted to do was tell him the truth about what was happening in her life. Then he could move on and so could she. It was simple.

  But if it was so simple, how come she was tied up in knots worrying about his every grimace and gesture? Why should she worry about Nate Barzonni one more day in her life? I’ve spent too many days thinking about him; being terrified that he was in danger; too many sleepless nights and empty days without him when I wanted him.

  “So, where are we going?” she asked, finally able to push aside the barrage of thoughts about Nate.

  “Picnic.” He turned on the engine. “I’ve reserved the perfect spot for us.”

  “Then drive on, sir,” she joked.

  Cove Beach was covered in so many white pear blossoms it looked as if it had snowed on the sands. The sun was deep in the west, but not yet setting. The trees around the lake were working diligently to push forth their spring leaves. That light green tinge to the winter-bark limbs gave an ethereal, iridescent glow to the landscape. A soft breeze fluttered through blooming forsythia and rustled the white and purple lilacs, filtering the air with the floral essence only nature could create.

  Nate pulled the Hummer into the gravel driveway and then up to a parking place that was designated by creosote-covered railroad ties. Across from them, up a slight incline, was a picnic area with tables, grills and roofed areas with open sides and concrete flooring, to accommodate large reunions or gatherings.

  “That’s our table right over there.” Nate pointed to the lone picnic table closest to the beach. It was only twenty feet to the water. He reached into the backseat and pulled out a bag, a blanket and two bottles of soda. He handed the soda to Maddie. “Our picnic food. Such as it is,” he said gleefully. “Come on.”

  Maddie hopped out of the Hummer and followed Nate to the table. He put their food down and sat facing the water, then patted the spot next him.

  Maddie joined him.

  “Closer,” he ordered, holding up the blanket. “I want to wrap this around us. When the sun goes down, it’ll get cold.”

  “You’re right,” she said and inched closer until they were hip to hip.

  Nate wrapped his blanket around their shoulders and handed Maddie an edge to hold. “There. That’s better, don’t you think?”

  “Yeah,” she said, looking first at the tranquil crystal lake and then back at Nate.

  He had a thick five-o’clock shadow and his eyes were slightly droopy. His skin was pale, though she remembered how berry brown he could get in the summers working on the farm.

  His blue eyes scanned the lake, drinking in all its beauty. It was almost as if she could see the tension in him easing as he stared across the water.

  “Tough day?”

  “Just the usual,” he said.

  “Yeah? I don’t buy that. I’m watching you. You’re wound up tighter than a drum. What’s up?”

  “I’m learning, is all. A new job, new coworkers and a new hospital to navigate.... It takes time to fit in. It’s normal adjustment for anyone. I just want to do a good job for them.”

  “I’m sure you’ll be great for them,” she said supportively. “I’m curious about your work on the reservation. It must have impacted you enormously to want to go back. What was it like?”

  He looked out across the water.

  “We had a clinic, but everything was government-run, government-controlled. I did fairly ordinary heart procedures—bypasses, stuff like that.”

  “Open-heart surgery is ordinary to you?” Maddie shook her head. “Whoa.”

  “Well, I mean, it’s within my skill set. But now I’m working with incredible equipment, and it’s very exciting. It’s what I came here for. Last week, I started cold beam laser operations. You see, Maddie, I’d never get this kind of responsibility in a large hospital. These operations would go to surgeons who are ten, twenty years my senior. Here, they don’t have enough doctors. And certainly not enough with even my limited experience, which I got during my residency.”

  “So why the Indian reservation? Why not come here first?”

  “I wanted to pay back my loans as quickly as possible. The government has a program that not only pays a salary, but also gives grants to pay off student loan debt in exchange for working in underprivileged areas. I still have almost half yet to pay, but that time on the reservation really helped me financially. Once I go back to Arizona, I’ll get the rest paid off. I’m not worried.”

  “Do you miss it? The reservation, I mean.”

  “I do. There was so much I could do there because most heart surgeons don’t dedicate their lives to such low income areas. Most of the cutting edge technology and research is based in prominent, well-endowed hospitals in big cities. And many surgeons want the big bucks and fancy lifestyle. Frankly, I was like that until I went to Arizona. With what I’m learning here, I could go anywhere in the country. I could travel from reservation to reservation as the need dictated.”

  Maddie swallowed hard. “You mean, you wouldn’t settle in just one place?”

  “No. I’ve looked into it extensively. I’d be on the government payroll, as a general rule. It would be really exciting. Helping all those people who couldn’t afford ablations and other types of heart surgery.”

  There was a fire in Nate’s eyes as he spoke.

  “Exciting,” Maddie repeated in a low whisper. She’d thought her own dream of moving to Chicago was expansive thinking, but what Nate envisioned for himself sounded like wanderlust. A real adventure.

  She marveled at him and felt deep admiration for anyone whose life was driven by humanitarianism. She was in awe. “Nate, I know you’ll do well here. I think you could handle just about anything anyone threw your way.”

  He turned his face to hers. “You believe that? That I’m Mr. Capable?”

  “Yeah. I do. I always did.”

  “Back then doesn’t count.”

  “Sure it does.”

  “Then I want to say aga
in that I’m so very, very sorry for what I did to you. I wasn’t Mr. Capable then. I was a coward. I should have talked to you.”

  “Maybe,” she mused. “Maybe not.”

  “What?” His expression was puzzled.

  “I’ve thought about this a lot. If you hadn’t left, I would have kept you here. I would have enticed you, used every trick in the book to keep you as my own. You wouldn’t have gone to the navy or into medicine. You would have had to marry me sooner or later. Your mother would have hated me. You would probably be working on the farm for your father. Eventually, you would have hated me and I would have tossed you out. We would have bickered like cats and dogs.”

  “You think all that?”

  “I do.”

  “So, I did the right thing. But I still should have told you where I was.”

  “Yes, Nate. You should have. I won’t deny how mad I was. Especially back then...” Maddie felt a catch in her throat as long-ago sorrows rose up like dark ghosts. Tears sprang to her eyes, unwanted and unexpected. She scrubbed them away with the balls of her palms. She turned to him, her eyes swimming in a sea of stinging memories. “You broke my heart, Nate. I swore I would never forgive you.” She tried to punch his arm, but her fist fell open like a needy child begging for food. She splayed her fingers across his heart and hung her head. Her tears fell into her lap. “You crushed me.”

  “Oh, Maddie,” he moaned. “I did this to you, and I’m so sorry. So sorry.” He folded her into his arms and pulled her to his broad chest. “Can you ever forgive me?”

  “I swore I wouldn’t...” she said through her sobs. Maddie felt as if she was seventeen all over again. She felt crumpled and discarded. She wasn’t good enough for a Barzonni. She was convinced Nate didn’t love her enough. Not then and not now.

  The fact that she had accomplished so much and was living through the excitement of seeing her dream unfold had no power at this moment. She was without strength and she was astounded that within a few seconds her heart could betray her so completely.

  Maddie snuggled inside the blanket and circled her arms around Nate’s back. He felt so strong, so warm...and sincere about his apology. His sincerity had always comforted her when they were young.

  It was that honesty that she had instinctively trusted when they were young. She had felt safe with Nate.

  Because she had trusted him utterly and without condition, his departure had deeply, cruelly affected her.

  Nate kissed the top of her head. “I don’t deserve one minute of your time, and certainly not an ounce of the love you gave me, Maddie. You were right to hate me. What I did to you was despicable.” He rubbed her back and kissed her forehead. “You were everything to me then as well, you know. There was never any doubt in my mind you were the girl for me.”

  “Really?” Maddie sniffed as she pulled out of his embrace. She wiped her nose on her sleeve. She gazed into his blazing blue eyes, which even as the daylight waned, still bore that inner light that drew her in. It was the light of promise. Of ambition and purpose.

  “You are the only girl I’ve ever loved, Maddie. I know that now.”

  “Nate, you were right to stay away and get your medical degree. You have so much more to give to the world. I can see that in you. Maybe I saw it in you even back then.”

  “I think you did,” he replied, brushing a strand of hair off her forehead. “In a way, I have you to thank for everything that has happened to me. If you hadn’t been so strong...”

  “Me? Strong? Look at me. I’m a mess!”

  A wistful smile bloomed across Nate’s lips. “Maddie, you’re still the most incredible girl I’ve ever met. You always had your head on straight and you understood me better than I did myself at times. You’re beautiful—inside and out. You really don’t know that, do you?”

  “Guess not,” she said. She still had too many tapes from a bitter and jealous mother in her head that hadn’t fully been erased.

  Nate reached into the brown bag that held their sandwiches and handed Maddie a paper napkin. She blew her nose.

  “You know, Nate, I would have liked to have been there for your graduation.” She smiled to herself. “I would have been so proud of you. Proud to see you in that uniform, all white and dashing.” She looked back at him, her mind spinning a fast scenario of what could have been. “But honestly, knowing us back then? We would have rushed to a preacher or priest or whatever, and in two seconds I would have gotten pregnant. Both your parents would have gone bonkers if we’d run away.” She smiled impishly.

  “Maddie....” Nate wove his fingers into her hair and held her face close to his. “No wonder I was crazy about you back then.”

  “And now?” she asked with trepidation.

  “Now it’s worse,” he said, and then he kissed her. He wrapped his arms around her and covered them in the blanket again like a cocoon.

  “Maddie, you have to tell me that you forgive me,” he said, kissing her lips then her cheeks. He moved his mouth close to her ear. “Please.”

  “I do, Nate. I forgive you,” she said. “I forgive both of us.” She pulled her head back so she could look at him.

  “Thank you, Maddie. That means the world to me. I just don’t want my mistakes to count against me. This time we have now is too important.”

  She smiled but couldn’t break free from the mesmerizing hold he had on her. That was the thing about Nate. He could look at her from across a room and she would melt into those blue eyes every time. She had been putty for him back then. Apparently, she still was.

  Being this close to him, in his arms, felt right. Or was it just nostalgia?

  Maddie had to be sure she was making all the right choices for the right reasons. She’d come so far with the choices she’d made in her life, but that was business. This was her heart. It was one thing to be in love at seventeen. It was another to risk the rest of one’s life. The choices she made now were pivotal. Life-changing. And overwhelmingly frightening.

  She had always loved Nate, but this was the new Nate. The Nate she didn’t know yet. She wanted to know him better so she could make the right decision. She had a lot of right decisions she had to make and they were all coming too fast.

  “I’m different now. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” she said.

  Nate kissed her eyelids and then her lips again. “I’m listening.”

  “No, you’re not.” She giggled.

  He loosened the blanket so that Maddie could sit back, while still keeping her close to him. “Okay, shoot.”

  “I’ve been working on a business deal for a couple years now, and well, things have finally started to take off.”

  “This business deal—is this why you went to Chicago yesterday?”

  “How did you know about that?”

  “I went to the café for lunch and you weren’t there,” he said, choosing his words carefully. He’d just won her back and he knew he needed to tread lightly. Maddie was only a hairsbreadth closer to trusting him.

  She peered at him suspiciously. “What else did you hear?”

  “Chloe said you were going to be like a Starbucks.”

  “Chloe is young with a big mouth and a much-exaggerated imagination. I didn’t say anything to you because—”

  “I haven’t earned the right,” Nate interjected. “It’s okay, Maddie. I get that. You have nothing to apologize to me for.”

  Surprise registered on Maddie’s face. “I wanted to be the one to tell you. The fact is that when I left for Chicago, there was only the hope of a deal. Now that I’ve met with my investor, you truly are the first to know that he’s definitely going to buy my franchise.”

  Nate broke into a wide grin. “Maddie! This is fantastic. How great for you. To see all your hard work and super ideas be accepted by someone else. Wow.” He slapped his
forehead with his palm. “Man. A franchise. That is really big. Isn’t it?” he asked.

  “It can be. It’s not done yet. Alex convinced him to change the name to Cupcakes and Cappuccino Café, but it’ll be my concept. My recipes. My designs. This was just the beginning of the actual negotiations, but it took me two years to come up with the business plan, and then Sarah and Charmaine...”

  “Charmaine?” he asked.

  “Charmaine Chalmers. She’s Sarah’s boss. She did the elevations and some of the blueprint drawings.”

  “Architectural drawings?” he asked.

  “Yes. Then Sarah and I worked on the interior designs, fabrics and flooring. I was specific about everything looking Italian, certainly more Italian than what I have here, which is a cottagey, homey look—”

  “Which I love to death,” he said.

  As Maddie continued explaining the ideas and the dreams she had for Cupcakes and Cappuccino Café, her face lit with an inner fire. Her enthusiasm was electric. She had thought through every conceivable detail. She had done all this work, and he’d been far away. He hadn’t been there for her. He hadn’t stuck around to offer the support she might have needed from him. Nate had jilted Maddie and himself out of years of friendship and partnership. Suddenly, he suddenly felt as if she was moving away from him, as though some cosmic force was deliberately putting Maddie out of his reach. He didn’t know how he could be losing her—he’d just found her again. And she was right here in his arms. Wasn’t she?

  Something made him increase the pressure of his grip.

  “Alex is very connected in Chicago, and he’s the one who found my investor...”

  “Who’s Alex?” Nate asked. The hairs on the back of his neck stood at attention. It was an instinct he had always possessed, but it became pronounced when he was in the navy. Danger had just approached.

  “He’s a partner at Ashton and Marsh,” Maddie continued. “They’re the mergers and acquisitions firm that Uncle George found for me.”