Heart's Desire

by Lanigan, Catherine

  Now, they’d be apart until the wedding, which was certainly not what Nate had in mind when he’d asked Maddie to marry him.

  He’d day-dreamed about moonlit summer nights on the beach at Indian Lake and barbeques at his parents’ house. Maddie was going to want a very special wedding. But if he took this job, which he intended to, he wouldn’t be around for much of the planning at all.

  He wondered how Maddie was going to take this news.

  “That must have been an incredible letter you sent to the Northwestern board. Thanks to you, I have this opportunity.” Nate shook the boarding pass.

  “Do me proud, Nate,” Roger replied.

  * * *

  MADDIE STOOD WITH Nate in front of the chalkboard of choices at The Louise House later that night.

  “I’ll have Jamaica fudge,” Maddie said. “In a cup.”

  “Two scoops of coconut almond for me,” Nate told Louise.

  “Comin’ right up,” Louise replied, shoving the scoop into a barrel of ice cream.

  Nate led Maddie to a tiny round table near the window. A family of four walked in, chatting amongst themselves, as Maddie sat in the chair.

  “So, how was Chicago?” Nate asked. Before she could answer, he grabbed her hand and kissed it. “Gosh, you look beautiful.”

  “Thanks,” she replied. “Don’t worry, Nate. Chicago, at least that part of it, is ancient history.”

  “I wasn’t worried,” he said. “Much.”

  Maddie placed her hand gently on his cheek, letting her eyes delve into his. “You have to know there never has been or will be anyone else for me.”

  Just then, Louise walked up and held out their ice cream.

  Beaming and taking the heaping cup of ice cream from Louise she said, “Except for Jamaica fudge, that is.”

  “Enjoy,” Louise said, then went back to her other customers.

  “Well, I need to keep hearing that, especially after what I’m about to tell you, Maddie,” Nate said, biting off a hunk of ice cream.

  “What’s that?”

  “Roger called me into his office today to tell me that I’ve just landed a new job.”

  Maddie put down her spoon. “Job?”

  “It’s in Arizona. At the reservation clinic where I worked last year.” Her eyes widened and she smiled brightly. “That’s fantastic for you! It’s what you wanted. Isn’t it?”

  “Actually, I’ll be chief of cardiac surgery. Head of the whole shebang.”

  “Oh, Nate! Your dream. I couldn’t be more excited for you.” Then she noticed he wasn’t smiling. Something was wrong. He wasn’t happy. “But this is a promotion for you, isn’t it?”

  “Yes. The current head, Charles Jessel, had to quit—health reasons—and they need a replacement immediately. Tomorrow, in fact.”

  “Tomorrow?” Maddie felt her stomach roil. “That...is soon.” She looked around the ice cream shop blankly, desperately trying to keep from welling up. The attempt was futile.

  “I’m sorry, Maddie,” Nate said. “I’m so sorry.”

  “You have to go,” she said matter-of-factly.

  “I’ll fly back for Sarah’s wedding in two weeks, and then after that, we’ll take turns. I can fly back here or you can fly out there. We can make our wedding plans over the phone can’t we?”

  “Sure. I guess.”

  “Of course,” he mused, chuckling and kissing her hand again. “You could run away with me to Vegas and then there would be no problem at all.”

  “Except for my café.”

  “Except for that,” he replied regretfully.

  She lifted her head. “I’ll figure that out. Right now, you have to be so proud. This job is wonderful. I want you to have this, Nate. You deserve this. You’ve worked for this all these years. I’ve talked to Uncle George about how I could open a travelling café out in Arizona. I could make my cupcakes and sell them out of the back of an SUV. I could—”

  Nate’s eyes welled. “Maddie, girl. You love me that much? So much that you would drive your little cakes around to where I’m working?”

  “Yes, Nate.” Then she looked away with an unexpected burst of tears.

  “Maddie, what is it?”

  “You know, Nate, I’m trying to be strong and creative and figure this out, but frankly, I’m not really sure where I’ll fit into your life and your plans.” She rubbed her temples. “I do love you, Nate. I love you like I never thought I could love anybody ever again, but I feel angry and cheated because no matter what idea I come up with, it’s not enough to satisfy me and my needs,” she said, jabbing her chest with her forefinger. “I just stepped onto the biggest stage of my life and now I feel like it’s being yanked out from under me. I feel lost and really scared.”

  Nate’s expression was filled with compassion. “I know. I understand. There just hasn’t been time. I have to go so soon. It’s nearly like I’m being shipped off to war.”

  Her eyes locked on his. “That’s exactly what it’s like.”

  He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I can do better by you than this. I’ll think of something. I promise. Just don’t stop loving me, Maddie.”

  “I promise, Nate.”

  * * *

  MADDIE STOOD NEXT to Nate at the bus stop where he would catch a coach to O’Hare Airport. Though dawn was just breaking over the horizon, a summer wind blew hot, strong and humid from the south. Maddie wore apricot capris, espadrilles and a white short-sleeved blouse.

  “Thanks for the ride, Maddie,” Nate said, smoothing a lock of hair behind her ear. “You could have slept in.”

  She shrugged. “You know I’m up before dawn every day. Chloe can handle things till I get back. Besides, this gives us a chance to talk some more.”

  “Uh-huh,” he mumbled, kissing her cheek. “I’ll call you when I land. It’s about a two and a half hour drive to the reservation from Phoenix. Someone is supposed to meet me at the airport and drive me there. I’ll call you again when I’m settled.”

  “You said it’s pretty there.”

  “Red rock, cactus, brilliant blue sky that almost stings your eyes to look at. I can’t wait to show you around. I’ll get my surgery schedule as soon as I get there, so I’ll let you know when will be good for you to come visit. I’ll miss you,” he said kissing her.

  “Miss you already,” she replied kissing him back.

  In the distance they heard air brakes screech and gears being downshifted as the whale of a bus lumbered around the corner and up to the stop.

  Three people got out of their cars and wheeled their rolling luggage up to the bus.

  Nate turned to Maddie. “You take care of yourself.”

  “I love you, Nate. Have a safe trip.”

  He stepped aside as the other passengers climbed aboard. Nate hung on to the handle. “I’ll see you, Maddie. Love you,” he said, and took the steps two at a time onto the bus. His shoulders seemed to fill the narrow entry and she was struck with his enthusiasm. He was that adventurous Nate of their youth again, the Nate who would disappear for more than a decade, risking his love for her, his family, everything—in pursuit of his passion for medicine. It was that reckless, hard-driven side of Nate that terrified her, and yet she understood it profoundly.

  I’m his mirror. It just took me longer to get there.

  The driver immediately followed Nate onto the bus, shut the doors and pulled away from the curb.

  Maddie stood waving as the bus disappeared. A tear ran down her cheek and she wiped it away. Looking down at the tear, she wondered how many times she would be saying goodbye to Nate as he moved from reservation to reservation. Searching for the next life to save.

  * * *

  A TRIPLE-SHOT espresso didn’t have the caffeine to equal the nervous high Maddie rode all
day waiting for Nate’s call.

  She knew that he was supposed to land at ten thirty, but he hadn’t called or texted. If it took another two and a half hours to drive to the reservation, plus a lunch stop, he should have called her by one o’clock. Still there was nothing.

  All afternoon, she paced the café and busied herself cleaning the already sparkling equipment. She baked cupcakes she didn’t need and frothed icing she wasn’t sure she would sell that day.

  By four o’clock, Nate still had not called.

  At five, when she shut the café and said good-night to Chloe, she texted Nate, her fears flapping like bats inside her belly. Nate didn’t text her back.

  By six o’clock, she was too riddled with anxiety to be alone any longer. She called Sarah and asked if she could come over and work on wedding-table decorations alongside her and Mrs. Beabots. Sarah, of course, was happy to have the help.

  By ten o’clock, Maddie and Sarah had finished arranging sparklers, silk white roses and ribbons in aqua-colored clay pots. They’d made over two hundred aqua bows to hang in the trees at Cove Beach, and they’d filled mason jars with sand and votive candles, which Sarah’s friends would also help hang in the trees.

  Mrs. Beabots put her scissors in her white wicker sewing basket and bid them good-night.

  Sarah turned to Maddie. “Would you like a glass of wine? After all this work, you deserve one.”

  “Sure,” she replied, looking at her cell phone.

  “Why don’t you call him?” Sarah offered as they entered the kitchen. Sarah let Beau into the yard.

  “I did. And I left a voice mail. He was supposed to call me when he got to the reservation. I don’t know what could have happened.”

  Sarah took out two wineglasses and put them on the island. “I can tell you what didn’t happen. He wasn’t in an accident. No plane or car crash. You would have had a phone call from some state trooper or a hospital by now.”

  “I wasn’t thinking that,” Maddie said, the dull edge in her tone wavering between conviction and disbelief. “The truth is that Nate has just been handed his long-held dream. And he’s not thinking about me.”

  At all.

  “He’s probably just busy, is all.” Sarah handed Maddie the wine. “Would you like to sit on the porch? I put in the bug lightbulbs, so it should be nice.”

  “Yeah.”

  They walked out the front door and sat in two Adirondack chairs. Maddie noticed Sarah’s eyes flit to the third floor of Mrs. Beabots’s house where Luke and the kids lived. In a few short weeks, they would all be living here in this house, Sarah’s family home.

  Family home.

  Maddie couldn’t help wondering what that was like. Nate had a family home with his parents. He’d been living there these past few months. He’d told Maddie that he’d considered a few places, but that he wanted a house on the lake itself. Nearly impossible to find. Cate Sullivan had told Nate he’d have to wait till someone died, and even then, the house would likely be gone in seconds. Nate was undaunted. He knew the right house would come along.

  But now they wouldn’t need a quiet retreat by the lake. They’d be living far away among red rocks. What was that like? Would she hate it? Or love it?

  And just how exactly was she going to make her own dreams work if she was in Arizona? Or Alaska for that matter? The life of a doctor’s wife was a lonely one. She’d heard that a million times, and the saying didn’t even account for the frequent moves and isolated conditions life with Nate would entail. So it was imperative she had her own career and her own interests.

  Most importantly, if Nate wasn’t calling her now, when they’d just gotten engaged, when he should be thinking about her non-stop, what was it going to be like when they’d been married for five years? Fifteen? Would he ever have enough room for her in his thoughts?

  “Luke and I were talking about the rehearsal,” Sarah began. “Since Nate has agreed to be the best man, Luke told him he doesn’t want any of that bachelor party nonsense. Especially because Luke was married before. Nate offered to take him to dinner at the lodge. Just the two of them. That’s was very thoughtful. Don’t you think?”

  “Thoughtful. Yes.” Maddie replied woodenly.

  “He’ll call you later tonight and tell you everything that’s going on. I know he will,” Sarah said. Maddie heard the hollow ring in her friend’s voice.

  “You’re right. He’s just busy. Besides, he’ll be back next weekend for the wedding. This trip just came up so fast. We didn’t get a chance to talk about much.”

  “No kidding. I know my mind would be a jumble if I just discovered Luke was moving to Arizona...and that I’d be joining him,” Sarah said.

  Maddie raked her fingers through her hair. “I know! And each time I think I’ve figured out a solution to one question, ten more questions pop up. And only Nate can answer them for me. It’s so frustrating.”

  “You should write them all down so you don’t forget them,” Sarah advised.

  “I should,” Maddie agreed. “Well, I’d better get going. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow, and I want to get the cupcakes for your wedding made and into the freezer. I’ll ice them the night before the wedding, so after the rehearsal I won’t be hanging around for long.”

  “I understand,” Sarah said.

  Maddie nodded. “Thanks.” She hugged her best friend and rushed down the front steps to her SUV. Maddie didn’t want Sarah to see her crying.

  * * *

  IT WAS NEARLY eleven o’clock the next morning before Maddie got a text from Nate saying cell service was practically non-existent where he was. He told her he’d landed safely, and once he’d arrived at the clinic, he’d gone straight into surgery. He was seeing patients back-to-back. He said he’d keep trying to call her.

  However, by the end of the day, she still had not heard from him.

  Maddie believed she knew the truth.

  Nate had been swept away from her.

  He’d been offered the job of his lifetime and he’d taken it. She was standing on the shore. Left behind. Abandoned. Again.

  And that was as it should be.

  Nate had made no bones about the fact that he wanted to work with this clinic at the reservation, and to devote his career to helping people in need around the country. His goals were altruistic and compassionate and she loved him all the more for them. He’d been given his shot. She would have been the first one to tell him to go for it.

  Maddie never, ever wanted to be the person who held him back. She believed in dreams. Hers and his. If she loved him, she would let him go. Clearly, Nate was so immersed in his world that there just was no place for her in his life. When he was in Indian Lake and he’d seen her nearly every day, he might have believed they could make it work. But what he’d shown her in the past few days gave her a glimpse into the future.

  And it was heartbreaking.

  Despite not hearing from Nate, Maddie couldn’t believe, even now, that she’d ever given Alex a second thought romantically. She was absolutely, totally in love with Nate and always would be.

  But being married to Nate would place a difficult burden on her. She would be constantly reaching out to find new friends, trying to set up a new café, finding a new home.... And she might come to resent Nate for leaving her alone a great deal of the time. She would miss Sarah, Mrs. Beabots, Liz, Cate and all her other friends. She would miss Indian Lake. She hadn’t factored these things into her equation previously, but now she found they carried a much greater weight than she’d imagined they would.

  Even when she dreamed of living in Chicago, she knew she’d only be an hour away from Indian Lake. Her dreams always included her friends.

  With Nate’s sudden transfer to Arizona, her life had turned upside down. Again.

  But above all, she wanted Nate to be happ
y. He was an extraordinary man and it would be wrong of her to hold him back.

  She would have to let him explore every avenue of success and experience that he craved. Nate deserved it all and more. He was the best of the best and she was proud to have even been a speck in his personal history. She’d been honored to have known him.

  Shoving another two trays of cupcakes into her commercial oven, Maddie realized there was only one thing she could do.

  Just the thought of it caused a pinching pain around her heart, and her head felt as if it would explode into a torrent of tears. Maddie sucked in a deep and stabilizing breath. She did not drop dead on the spot as she thought she might.

  Instead, she reached for the telephone.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  BREAKING UP WITH Nate was even more impossible than Maddie imagined. She called him four times and left messages for him, but she never got a callback. As the hours and days clicked by, Maddie felt her old insecurities crawl out of their hiding place and gnaw at her psyche. She felt insignificant and as small as a human could feel.

  For eleven years, Nate had made a life without her. Was he doing that again now? Was he always going to be like this? And would that life—a life revolving around his career and his patients’ needs—be enough for her?

  Maddie was a person of action, and releasing Nate from their engagement seemed like the right thing to do.

  But in the dark of her room at night, when she felt lonely and empty, she contemplated booking a ticket and flying to Arizona to find him. The problem with that scenario was that she didn’t know exactly where he was. And she didn’t want him to think she was insecure, which she clearly was right now.

  Finally, on Thursday, she received her first text from Nate. It had apparently been sent three days prior.

  Maddie, just had about the worst day of my life. I nearly lost a patient. Little boy. Electrical storm here. Lines are down. I hope you get this. I love you. Nate.

  She texted him back, but didn’t receive another message or call. She knew cell reception was bad out there, but Maddie took this as confirmation that Nate’s focus was where it should be. He could have called or found another way to contact her if he’d wanted to. His lack of communication told her everything.