Heart's Desire

by Lanigan, Catherine

  Silence was Nate’s modus operandi.

  After six days of angst, Maddie took off her ring. She told herself that she and Nate had moved too quickly into their engagement. She’d allowed herself to be romanced and hadn’t paid enough attention to facts and logistics. If she were honest with herself, she hadn’t wanted to face the hard issues that life with Nate posed.

  Nate needed a stronger, more flexible woman. Someone educated and...

  No, Maddie. Don’t do that to yourself again.

  Maddie was amazed at how easily she fell prey to her frailties. Beating back negativity for her was a full time job. But being ignored by Nate was more than painful. It was unbalancing.

  She put Nate’s ring in a heart-shaped ceramic box that Ann Marie had given her as a graduation present from high school. Maddie’s eyes were filled with tears as she placed the cover on the box, wishing with all her heart that Ann Marie was alive so she could ask her advice. She wiped her face with her palm. “Oh, Sarah. How do you do it all without your mom?”

  Maddie walked out of her office, grabbed an apron and had just tied it around her waist when Sarah rushed into the café.

  “Maddie!” Sarah swept up to her friend and grabbed her arms. “Have you heard from Nate?”

  “Yes. Finally. He’s really swamped with surgeries.”

  “And he’s still planning to be here for my wedding?”

  “As far as I know.”

  “But you’re not sure. Has he said he’ll be here? For certain? I mean, the wedding is one week away and I need to know if the best man is going to be MIA,” Sarah groaned. “Luke doesn’t know what to do. We could have Jerry stand in, I suppose. But should we go ahead and ask him? And it’s too late to have him fitted for his blazer and white slacks.”

  Maddie was thoughtful for a minute. “Asking Jerry would be good so that there are no hiccups for you,” she replied.

  Sarah touched Maddie’s arm. “What’s going on? Really?”

  Maddie’s shoulders slumped. “I’ve had to do some very hard thinking since Nate left. Maybe we weren’t as right for each other as I thought. He has high aspirations, Sarah. Very high. I can’t take that away from him. I understand him. Maybe this is all for the best. Maybe this is the universe telling me that what we had as kids was never meant to last into adulthood.”

  “I can’t believe that,” Sarah said quietly.

  Maddie put her hand on Sarah’s shoulder. “You’re getting married in seven days. You’re all spun up in romance and bliss, and that’s the way it should be for you. Nate is a great guy. Perfect for me, really, but this is what he has to do to reach his full potential. If I truly love him, I’ll give him that.”

  * * *

  FROM THE MINUTE Nate walked off the plane in Phoenix, his heart thrummed with excitement. He was met by his former assistant, Dan Chee, at baggage claim. Nate hugged the tall, broad-shouldered man, who grinned at him in return.

  “Are we ever happy to see you again, Doc,” Dan said enthusiastically.

  “Thanks. Same here,” Nate replied, grabbing his duffel bag.

  “I’ve got some patient charts in the Jeep so you can acquaint yourself with some of the cases on the drive up to Tuba City.”

  “Thanks, Dan. I was really sorry to hear about Dr. Jessel. It must have been sudden, huh?”

  “Very. Some of the staff said they’d noticed he was getting tired lately, but that was all.”

  “Tired? The man was always a whirlwind. How many clinics did he serve again?”

  “Four, including Chinle and Fort Defiance.”

  “I forgot about that,” Nate said as they climbed into the Jeep. “He travelled all over the northern part of Arizona, didn’t he?”

  “Sure did. So will you. We’ve got patients scheduled out till the end of next month,” Dan told him. “I hope you’ve been getting caught up on your beauty sleep lately because there won’t be much time for that, except when I’m driving you to the next clinic.” Dan laughed.

  Nate frowned and took out his cell phone. His battery was almost dead. He had enough juice to call Maddie. He tapped out her number but there was no answer. For some reason, her voicemail didn’t pick up. “I’ll call her later,” Nate said aloud.

  When they stopped in Flagstaff for gas, Nate rummaged in his briefcase for his phone charger, but couldn’t find it. Searching through his duffel bag, he realized he’d forgotten his charger altogether. He sent Maddie a text and then turned off his phone to conserve the battery. Once they were in Tuba City, he’d have to buy a new cord.

  Nate and Dan arrived at the clinic in Tuba City only to find a Code Blue underway. Though the nurses had handled the matter competently, clearly, if Nate hadn’t arrived at the exact moment he had, scrubbed in and taken over, the seventy-one year old man would have died from his cardiac arrest.

  It was nearly midnight when Nate collapsed on a cot in the doctors’ lounge.

  He was back.

  And it felt good.

  * * *

  FIFTY-SEVEN HOURS passed before Nate realized he hadn’t eaten anything more than a moon pie, a soda and a bag of Sun Chips from a vending machine, and he’d only caught six hours of sleep—all in small doses. He still hadn’t had a chance to buy a phone charger. Each time he’d come out of surgery and tried to call Maddie, a nurse had rushed in with yet another emergency, another task that he needed to perform.

  On his first full day at the clinic, Nate realized Dr. Jessel must have been ill for quite some time and had likely been covering up his illness. It was clear to Nate that the doctor had misdiagnosed or failed to diagnose several patients. There was a young boy who needed surgery immediately, yet Dr. Jessel had chosen to observe him and not proceed with the operation.

  Nate held a conference with the parents and explained that it was critical their son undergo the procedure. Perhaps because the boy’s condition hadn’t been treated sooner, the operation nearly resulted in his death, and it took every ounce of Nate’s skill and knowledge to save the boy.

  On the second day at the clinic, a massive electrical thunderstorm moved across the area causing flash floods, rock slides and power outages. The cell phone tower was down. The internet was out and the clinic operated on a back-up generator for three days.

  Nate used the last of his cell battery to send Maddie a text about the boy he’d saved. What he would have given to be able to go home to Maddie at night and tell her everything. He couldn’t help but think about her during his surgeries. When his mind would start to wander, he saw her loving face, her sparkling green eyes urging him to continue. Pushing him to do his best. He heard her voice telling him that she loved him. He remembered holding her and drawing strength from her courage and her indomitable spirit. Maddie had no idea how much of an inspiration she was to him. If she could do all that she had done with no formal education, with nothing but spunk and self-pride to bolster her ambition, he could make it through another eight-hour surgery. He could save another life. He could help one more person live a better life.

  Scratching the two-day-old stubble on his cheek, Nate rolled off the cot where he’d zonked out for the past ninety minutes and placed his hands on his knees. “A pace like this could kill me.”

  Just then, Dan Chee walked into the lounge twirling his car keys around his index finger. “Time to go, Doc.”

  “Right. The clinic at Chinle. Think it will be any better than here?”

  “Worse.” Dan smiled wryly.

  Nate yawned. “Say, is your cell phone working yet?”

  “Yeah,” Dan replied. “Why?”

  “Can I borrow it to call my fiancée?”

  “Sure. But then we have to go,” Dan said handing Nate a battered flip phone.

  “Thanks.”

  Nate placed a call to Maddie but it went to voice mail. �
��Maddie. It’s me. I’m so sorry. I hope you got my texts and my other voicemail. I’m borrowing a phone from a friend. I left my phone charger at home, so my battery is dead. I’m leaving this clinic for another one today. Love you.”

  Nate and Dan drove to Chinle, where the clinic was just as backed up as the one in Tuba City. From the minute he arrived, Nate went straight to work.

  Dan brought meals in from a diner down the street, but Nate was almost too exhausted to eat.

  After a five-hour operation, Nate borrowed Dan’s phone again to call Maddie. When he realized it was nearly midnight, he sent a text instead. He could only hope it would go through.

  Nate performed four bypass surgeries and six angioplasties in the next day-and-a-half. He was sitting on his cot, unshaven and throwing back an energy drink, when Dan walked up with his flip phone. “This call is for you, Doc.”

  Nate glanced up, feeling as if his eyes were full of gravel. He took the phone. “Hello?”

  “Nate.”

  “Maddie!” he said, brightening immediately. “How are you?”

  “Nate, we need to talk,” she replied, her voice infused with trepidation and regret.

  Nate knew that tone. It was the sound of an ending. He felt his stomach hit the floor. “About what?”

  “Us,” she said. “I want you to know that I’m really happy for you. I mean, this job is what you wanted. It’s all you’ve talked about since you came back to Indian Lake.”

  Nate stood and began pacing. “You sound different. What’s going on?”

  “Your life is there, Nate. In that world where you don’t have time to call me very often and where so many people really need you. Their lives depend on you. I want you to have that life, Nate. I do. But I’ve also realized I don’t think I can be a part of what you’re doing. I would just be an adjunct. A footnote, really. And I need more than that.”

  “Maddie, it wouldn’t always be like this—”

  “Honestly, Nate? Be serious. Of course it would be. That’s just you. And that’s okay. I’ve had time to think about what it would be like moving around all the time, leaving Indian Lake, not seeing my friends. Giving up my café. The franchises. What about your family? I’m just getting to know your mother and I like her. Really I do. I’m being realistic, Nate.”

  “What are you saying exactly, Maddie?”

  “I’m giving you your ring back.”

  Nate nearly fell onto the cot. “Is this about the other guy?”

  “This has nothing to do with Alex.”

  “Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t,” he said. “Look, Maddie, I know I messed up. I had to get out here so fast. I barely packed, much less had time to talk to you about what this move was going to mean to you. To us. It’s been a whirlwind. I tried to call you, but I was just so busy. I didn’t have time to buy a new charger and...”

  “I get it, Nate. You just made my point.” Maddie spoke with such finality, Nate felt as if he’d been cut out of her life with a scalpel.

  “I guess we don’t have anything else to say,” Nate replied, feeling his mouth go dry.

  “Guess not.”

  “Bye, Maddie. I...I wish you love.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  MADDIE WORE A lime-green linen sheath to the wedding rehearsal and walked down the aisle on Jerry Mason’s arm. No one had expected Nate to be Luke’s best man after Maddie had broken their engagement. Of all the depressing exercises a person could go through, being the maid of honor in a best friend’s wedding only a few days after one’s own breakup, had to top the list, Maddie thought.

  Though Maddie saw Mrs. Beabots sitting in the front pew smiling at her, she was barely able to crook the ends of her lips upward. Father Michael gave instructions as to who was to stand where and at what point they would walk out of the church, but to Maddie the words were muddled, as if she were swimming under water.

  All Maddie thought about was Nate. She remembered him as the young boy she’d loved so desperately, and then her mind was filled with visions of him sitting at Cove Beach watching the blood-red sun sink into the dark horizon. Nate, who helped her move furniture and bake cupcakes when she knew he was exhausted and should have been catching up on his sleep. In her mind, they had fit together like fingers in a glove. Before he left, it was almost as if the decade of emptiness and anger had never happened. She had been filled with only love for him.

  How am I ever going to live without him?

  Her decision to let him go to pursue his dreams didn’t seem so noble anymore. It might have been the right thing to do, but the reality of knowing she’d pushed Nate away for good was killing her.

  Maddie wasn’t sure if the sharp, stabbing pains in her heart would subside. They hadn’t dissipated completely during the first decade of their separation. She’d dealt with the loneliness and emptiness by turning to anger. This time, she knew she could never be angry at Nate again. She loved him too much.

  Maddie watched Sarah and Luke as they gazed into each other’s eyes, happiness radiating from them. Though she wished Sarah all the best, Maddie was saddened and even a bit jealous that all that love could have been hers.

  At that moment, Maddie knew that even at seventeen, her heart had steered her right. She’d been Nate’s girl and she always would be.

  At the rehearsal dinner at the lodge, Maddie sat at the far end of the table, next to Luke’s father, Paul, with Sarah on her right. The table was decorated with an arrangement of white roses, variegated pittosporum and silk aquamarine ribbons that Sarah had made the night before. Maddie had brought red velvet cupcakes for dessert and had helped Sarah wrap her bride’s gifts in aqua paper and glittery ribbon. Though the conversations were happy and lively, Maddie felt as if she were standing on a foreign shore, looking at life from a great distance. She was disconnected and adrift and she didn’t know how she would find her way back. Common sense told her that eventually she’d find her way again, and she’d build a life without Nate just as she’d done before. Maddie also knew that everything about her was different this time. Although she was grieving the loss of Nate, she’d learned that she didn’t need to a wear a mask of anger and hate any longer. She wasn’t interested in revenge. She’d learned exactly how much she’d contributed to her first breakup, and that a great deal of the heartbreak and pain she’d suffered had been self-inflicted. Yes, she’d used those negative emotions to spur her desire for achievement in her career, but now that she was reaching her dream and experiencing the inner fulfillment of her successes, she found that none of it equaled being with Nate. Sharing with Nate. Planning a future with Nate.

  She was astounded at how much she loved him. It seemed impossible that her love could run so deep. Deep enough to let him go forever.

  * * *

  LUKE SAW HIM first and placed his hand on Sarah’s arm to still her conversation. Mrs. Beabots held her breath and slowly turned her head.

  “Maddie?” Nate said, approaching the table without a word of apology to anyone else. “Maddie, I need to talk to you.”

  Maddie’s heart stood still. She felt wonder and surprise flood her body and no matter what her intentions had been a second ago, she was overjoyed to see him.

  “What’s going on? You’re supposed to be in Arizona,” she said, rising quickly and moving toward him.

  He reached out his hand. “Let’s go down to the shore.”

  “Okay...” Maddie glanced at Sarah, who was smiling at her. “Sarah, will you excuse me?”

  Sarah shooed her with a wave of her hand. “Go!”

  Maddie gladly put her hand in Nate’s, feeling his gentle but strong hold. Suddenly, she knew. She was no longer drifting. She had found her mooring. She smiled up at him and he smiled back as they headed down to the beach.

  The sun had barely set and the moon was full in the east, casting s
ilver-and-gold rays across the water.

  Nate stopped by a huge maple tree and pulled Maddie close. “I want you to know that I understand what you did.”

  “Which was?”

  “Breaking up with me. You thought you were doing me a favor, but it was the worst thing that could have happened to me.”

  “But your career...”

  “Is just that. My work. It’s not my life. When I first came back here, I admit I thought of it only as a means to an end. A stepping stone to running the clinics out in Arizona. And then I saw you in that wedding gown, and I swear, Maddie...” He wrapped his arms around her. “I thought I would go insane. I felt I lost you. And I can’t take that.”

  “Really?” she asked, feeling there was more to the story but knowing he wanted to do the talking right now. She’d made enough mistakes where they were concerned. She was glad he was taking the lead.

  “Yeah,” he said, kissing her cheek and then nuzzling into the crook of her neck. “Maddie, you have to know I wanted to stay here for you. You’re all I’ve ever really wanted.”

  “Nate, I love you so much. I’ll always want what’s best for you. You sacrificed so much for this opportunity in Arizona.”

  “No, Maddie. Don’t you see? It’s not enough. I want you. And I’ve thought about this ever since your phone call. I don’t have to move to Arizona at all. There are reservations all around Lake Michigan, not far from here. I’ve already checked into a couple of the hospitals that serve those reservations. Their need is tremendous. We don’t have to move away from your friends or my family at all. We can build a lake house together. Some day, we can get a condo in Chicago, if you want it. We can take trips to Italy for you to study or just drink in the experience. I want to be there. I don’t want to miss a day of exploring all of life with you.” He hugged her excitedly and then released her. “It’s going to be hard work sometimes for both of us, but I think we can make it happen. Neither of us has ever shied from a challenge. And I’m willing if you are.”