Cruel Games

by Elaine May

“But he doesn’t love me anymore.” I can feel the heart of the little girl from my past collapse and give up hope. It’s all over now. I have been so stupid and I’m never going to be that stupid again.

  “Why haven’t you told your father, Noelle? Charlton wants to know.” I don’t say anything for the longest time, I can feel Louisa’s eyes boring holes into the back of my head just waiting for my answer.

  “Why?” She says, louder this time and again I just try to ignore her. I don’t want to think of the truth that is as loud as thunder.

  “Why haven’t you told your father?” This time she shakes my arm and I can’t escape her endless river of questions.

  “Because I’m hoping.”

  “Hoping for what?”

  “Because I love him. I’m hoping he still loves me and there’s a chance he loves me too and will marry me tomorrow.”

  Tomorrow?

  Is it really supposed to happen tomorrow?

  I may have spent the last few days in my own world of misery, but I was aware of day turning to night. I take a small glance at Louisa and I can see her give away a small smile.

  “I’ll see you in the morning.” She says as she opens my door and steps out. Is that it, she’s just got me to bare my soul and now she’s going to leave me? Another smile graces her face and then she closes my door. I’m on my own again. I’ll always be on my own.

  I can’t move from my spot by the door where Louisa left me.

  I don’t want to, I just want my sadness to engulf me and swallow me whole.

  That is what I deserve.

  I don’t know how to cope with everything that is going through my mind.

  I never wanted to be forced into marrying him, I never wanted to be forced down the aisle but deep down it has become the one thing I want most in my world. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I have hurt him so much. The anger is boiling under the surface of my skin, growing stronger, building in intensity while I hate myself more and more.

  I am supposed to be getting married tomorrow, is it still going to happen?

  Will he still want to marry me?

  I don’t know what to do, it just seems easy to stay within the safety of my own flat.

  Tiredness swops down and claims me and the next thing I know Louisa is shaking me awake.

  Sunshine tries to blind me as it comes through the cloak of darkness I have smothered myself with. The rattle of the blinds as they swoop up the window disturbs my silent world. I try to open my eyes, but they feel crusted with my tears at the corners.

  “You need to get ready.” She says as she lightly shakes my shoulder.

  “I can’t.”

  “And why’s that?” She says with a raised brow,just waiting for my excuse.

  “Because I’m embarrassed. I pushed him too much and now he’s gone.”

  “He’s only gone if you let him.”

  “What?” I sit up to see what she’s getting at.

  “You love him and he loves you. It’s time to fight for him.”

  “He won’t want to see me.”

  “He does and he wants to know something.”

  “Just leave me alone.”

  “Why? So you can just laze around here feeling sorry for yourself? You’ve made mistakes, we all do. You’re not alone, he knows you’re sorry.”

  I can see the begging in her eyes for me to believe her.

  “Fight for him.” She pleads.

  Fight for him? Louisa makes it all sound so easy and how does she expect me to do that when I’m here and he’ll be at his place?

  I love him.

  I love him so much, but could he still love me after everything that I’ve done?

  Could we still have anything worth fighting for? I hope so because I can’t keep living like this.

  Living without him.

  Missing him and missing apart of myself, because without him I don’t feel whole.

  Without him there’s apart of my soul that is missing.

  Without him there’s apart of my heart that is missing and I have to get him back if I want myself back too.

  “I want to be everything for him.”

  “What makes you think that you can be everything he wants?”

  “I’ll do anything so I can be with him. I don’t want this to end.”

  “Good.” A smile spreads throughout her face as she nods her head up and down with glee.

  “Because he wants to know if you’ll marry him at one o’clock this afternoon as planned.”

  “Huhhh?”

  “Do you want to marry my brother?”

  “Y...Y.Yes, more than anything.”

  “Well then,we best get you ready for your wedding.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY THREE

  He still wants to marry me, I can hardly believe it.

  With every limb of my body shaking I look at the floor-length mirror in front of me. I cannot believe that the reflection I see in the mirror is my own. I lookbeautiful. I never thought I could ever look as beautiful as I feel at this moment. I can only hope that Charlton will really be there when I walk down the aisle with Daddy.

  What if all this is some cruel trick to get me back?

  I have no idea what I will do if he isn’t there at the end of the aisle. That would just be my worstnightmare come true. Sweat starts to glisten through the makeup that covers my face as my body heat rises with nerves.

  Oh God, what am I doing?

  Out of all the paybacks I have tried to do to him maybe this is the only way he can see doing it back to me.

  Humiliation in front of all my family and friends on the world stage, watching from the side lines. He wouldn’t do that to me.

  He wouldn’t make his sister do all this for me if he were only going to leave me.Louisa has been perfect all morning, she hashelped me to get ready for what should be the best day of my life.I can only hope that it isn’t for nothing. Daddy arranged for the spa team to come up to my room and pamper us both. We have both been waxed, scrubbed and moisturised to an inch of our lives. My skin has never felt so soft and looked as healthy and glowing as it does right now. We have both received an all-over body massage, a facial using the best products on the market and our fingers and toes have been manicured and painted a light pink so they match with the flowers I must have asked forsometime in the madness that has been my life this last year. The material of my bridal dress fits perfectly around my frame, showing off what I have always been told are my best features. My mother’s jewellery that Daddy presented me with earlier hangs from my ears and neck. Her tiara is sitting nicely on top of my hair that is now styled in a loose bun with curled pieces that frame my face and I can only wish that Mummy were here to help me get dressed. Wearing the jewellery, she wore when she married my Daddy makes it almost feel like she is here with me right now. A ball of comforting heat on my left shoulder, but deep down I know she would have been so disappointed in my actions of late.

  I can only hope and pray that this will all work out for the best and I haven’t disappointed everyone I love.

  Please be there, Charlton. I take a glance in the mirror again and am surprised at how perfect I appear with my dress. Louisa has done my makeup perfectly. She has managed to apply a natural look but make it so that my eyes appear larger and full of life due to the green eyeliner over my top and bottom lashes, shaping and bringing out the colour of my eyes. The natural brown over my crease is enough to just give both my lids a small lift, to make them appear bigger. My lips are covered with a light red liner, giving my lips definition, my bottom lip appears fuller and the pointed upper lip comes across larger and more defined. They are coated with a light lip gloss that gives the whole look a softer feel. My shoes give me just the right amount of height and within one shoe there is a small sixpence for luck.

  I am drawn away from my own reflection as the door to my room in the church is opened and I am rendered speechless by the person who comes through. I expected to see Louisa again or even Daddy, I
know the time is coming to face my fate.

  Will he be at the end of the aisle waiting for me?

  But it is him, and he looks so handsome in his tuxedo.

  “Charlton, you’re here.” I can hear the surprise in my own voice, I guess I really didn’t expect him to be here. He stops my thoughts as he steps in and holds up his hands.

  “I know,it’s bad luck but I have to talk to you.” He says as he closes the door behind him.

  “Y...Y..You do...Don’t want to marry me.” I should have known it was too good to be true. How could I expect him to forgive me after everything that I have done?

  “Do you want to marry me? And answer truthfully. No more lies, Noelle.”

  “Yes I do.” He looks at me questioningly, reading the ‘but’ in my face.

  “I have to admit I didn’t at first. I wanted to make you cancel it, but then you got to me.”

  “I got to you?” He looks like that’s a bad thing, but he interrupts me before I can start to explain why.

  “I used to love you so much and I thought those feelings had disappeared, but you managed to bring them all back to the surface and I didn’t know what to do with them.” I can feel more of my tears soak my cheeks as they start their freefall demise and I have to swallow the fear and nerves that are lodged in the back of my throat.

  “I’m so sorry for everything I have done. For how I acted. I...” He places a finger over my lips, silencing me as he just looks at me and for the first time I can’t read his eyes. They aren’t giving anything away and my stomach starts to twist itself in knots.

  “If I had known you were there that morning I never would have said what I did, but I had to protect you.”

  “Edward was always the biggest dick around. Before we left school we all noticed how you were growing, you looked beautiful and he kept bragging that he would get you in his bed, that he could, and when he did he’d make sure the whole of our world knew what a slut you were. He knew how I had always felt about you. He hated you for that and wanted revenge. I kept my distance to keep you safe.” He grimaces at his words and my stomach churns.

  “It killed me, but I couldn’t let him say things like that about you. I couldn’t let him hurt you. I couldn’t let him do that to my best friend.” He takes a deep shuddering breath and I have no idea what he will say next.

  “About the girl I loved. I couldn’t let him hurt you so I told him everything he wouldn’t want to know, even ignored you as we grew up so he wouldn’t keep going after you.” New tears start to fall as realisation comes thundering all around me like the worst storm to grip the world. I have never known the full story, he was only ever trying to protect me. He loved me all that time and wanted to protect me.

  He loved me, but can he still love me now?

  Is our marriage to each other only a way of getting a future and a business or is he happy to go along with it because he still has feelings for me?

  My heart wants to bloom and break at the thought that I could have ruined it all by my own stupidity.

  “You loved me? D...Doy..o.”

  I could hear my sigh speak of my exhaustion, just wanting to know my own fate but fearing it at the same time.

  What will he say?

  Have I always been destined to have to go out there in that church and say the wedding is cancelled in front of everyone, or will he still want me?

  Will he still want a future with me after everything that has happened?

  I take a gulp as his lips start to move but I can hear no sound. He takes my hands in his own, they feel warm and comforting as his eyes speak the same language.

  “I still love you. I’ve always loved you, princess.”

  I can’t breathe, my lungs ceasing to work from shock. My feet give way from beneath me, his arms wrap around me, surrounding me with his body. Our faces mere inches from each other, our noses practically touching as his lips beckon to have a taste of mine. Both our hearts thumping together in sync, making the same sound and beating together as one as he just holds me tight. He just continues to hold me tight, teasing me with the closeness of his lips but not touching me. When I am calm enough I feel themloosen as he lets me go and settles me on my feet again. He takes both my hands and I’m shocked to see him go down on one knee.

  “I’m embarrassed I didn’t do this right the first time. You had gotten under my skin, I wanted you so much and you were throwing brick walls in my path at every chance, but I can do it right, right now. I’ve loved you since we were children, I’ve always wanted to be the one to protect you, build a life with you. I know I fucked up.” He gives me a little smile.

  “We both have and I know we will both fuck up in the future but as long as we are both there together we can get through anything together. We can do anything if we do it together. I want to ride the highs and the lows with you.” He takes a breath and squeezes my hands tighter as if he’s afraid I will run but if he’ll let me I want to be here with him for life.

  “Noelle, will you be by my side, will you be my partner? Will you be my best friend? Will you walk down that aisle and be my wife?” He lets go of one of my hands and takes a quick glance at his watch.

  “Will you marry me in five minutes’ time? Please?” I can’t even control the tears, I know I must look like a mess, but I don’t care. He’s just asked me to be his wife. No demands, no obligations to anyone else. Just two people who are in love with each other and want a life together.

  “Y...Yes. Yes please.”

  “Thank fuck for that.” He pulls me to him, being careful not to disturb my hair or my dressand he looks so satisfied with himself.

  ****

  “I now pronounce you man and wife.” A cheer rings around the whole church but I only have eyes for my new husband.

  “You may kiss your bride.” Charlton slips his left hand behind my neck, his right around my waist and he pulls me into him. I can feel the beating of his heart as my hand rests over it. His mouth connects with mine and his lips are soft and delicate. His lips move over mine with all the love he holds for me. We hear the church continue its roar of congratulations as he leans me back, his hand keeping me secure as my veil falls to the floor. Charlton giggles and then reluctantly pulls away, only to give my hand a tight squeeze. A squeeze that saysdon’t worry I have you. I’ll always have you. We’re together forever, little princess, and nothing will come between us again.

  Not even ourselves.

  EPILOGUE

  CHARLTON

  I have loved her since the very first meeting when I was seven years old and she was only four dressed in a pretty pink dress.

  She looked like a princess and although I heard the words marriage from our parents and didn’t know who they meant, if it was us then I knew I would be fine.

  She was perfect.

  My princess. All I ever wanted was to keep that pretty smile of hers on her face and while we were growing up it was always there, like beacon of happiness for me.

  Whenever I was feeling blue or someone annoyed me all I had to do was look at her and it would all melt away to nothing.

  That was the power she had over me.

  When Edward started, though, it all had to change, he could see right through me. He knew what my heart was trying to scream from the roof tops and he didn’t like it. He would say mean things about her and I wanted so much to just punch him in the face, but he had decided we were friends and he was already a top player in the playground.

  His parents were top players in the world of business. I had to keep her safe by pretending she no longer existed in my world. If he didn’t think I was interested in her anymore then there was no reason for him to seek her out and make her life hell. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I had to watch her blossom from the side-lines. With each new day she was turning more and more beautiful. She wasn’t like most of the girls in school.

  She was kind and considerate of others.

  She was smart and loyal.

&nbs
p; She was everything I wanted but I had to keep away.

  When I went to college I was able to get reports from my sister and she seemed to be as unhappy as I was. That made me feel somewhat better, I wasn’t alone in my feelings.

  That summer, as Noelle and my sister were going into their last year at school, I arranged that party for her. I had to see her again. And as she stood up in that pool with her clothing stuck to her like a second skin, her curves, the shape of her breasts and waist on full view for me, I had to have her. It was the best night of my life and the next morning she just vanished.

  She was gone.

  I didn’t know why. I didn’t know if it was something I had done but if I knew than what I do now I would have fought harder for her. That was my downfall.

  I would have told her everything.

  I let her go with no questions asked. I went back to college with my tail between my legs. I went on with life as best as I could, but no one was the same as her. She still held my heart. When I was told about the marriage by my parents I was so angry, how dare my parents demand I marry someone?

  And then I learnt who.It was my second chance and she blocked me every chance she got.

  She was dangerous but amazing in everything she did to me and I was entrapped.

  I won’t lie, it was hard, she made that year a living hell. I wanted to stay but there were so many times when I just wanted to throw in the towel and tell everyone just to forget it, but she was my Noelle.

  She was the girl I loved.

  You know the rest and I can look back now and laugh.

  Laugh.

  I never thought I would be able to say that, but I can. It’s part of our journey.

  It’s what made us what we are today. We’ve been married now for ten years and I have never been happier. Today is our tenth wedding anniversary, she’s in the kitchen preparing everything for our families to come over while I try and keep our two boys entertained. I look up and there she is, walking to the garden table with a bowl of salad in her hands rested lightly over the swollen belly that holds our baby daughter. Only two months to go and I know she has already had enough, she says she’s fat and ugly, but to me she has never looked prettier.