Cruel Games

by Elaine May

  “Great party, man.” He says as he sits down with me and we start talking about the party. Edward has been my friend for years, but the man is a dick and I don’t say anything about Noelle. I don’t want anyone else to know, I want to protect her as much as I can. My heart starts to shatter in my throat though as soon as he opens his mouth next.

  “So man, I saw you go off with little Noelle. Who would have thought she could be so hot?”

  “Did you?” I thought everyone was more concerned with laughing, I didn’t think anyone had seen us.

  “I did notice.”He rubs his shoulder against mine as he gives me one of those looks that tells me he wants more info, but he’s not getting all he wants.

  “Come on, man, tell me, she was a cock tease in that outfit. What was she like? Did you get some? Would she be worth me having a go?”

  I can’t believe he has just asked me that and I just want to punch his lights out.

  How dare he? She’s not like the other girls. I stand up, hoping that the sooner we get to the doors the sooner this conversation will end and I can go back to Noelle.

  “She was ok, I guess.” I can’t believe I just said that, it feels so wrong but anything else and Edward would want a go as well and I would die before I let that happen with him or anyone else.

  “You know I want more. Come on, Charlton, share the info man.” He bumps my shoulder this time.

  “She was so tight and so w..wet, but she hardly moved, man. She expected me to do everything.” It feels so wrong even saying the words, but I know that if I don’t give him something then he won’t give up until he has her for himself and then everyone would know all about her. At least if I tell him something that will be the end of the matter, the guy likes a woman who’s a bit of fun and he doesn’t deserve a girl like my Noelle.

  “She was a virgin, man. She didn’t have a clue what she was doing.” I say, feeling sick, and he just winks and I can only hope that what I said will make him not want her any more. If it is up to me she’ll only have me and we’ll be doing it till the day I die. I don’t think I can even imagine doing something like I did last night with anyone else. She’s going to be all mine and hell yeah I’ll be doing it again with her.

  “So you didn’t enjoy it then?” He says around his eruption of laughter and it feels wrong to laugh with him, but I have to if I want to keep my true feelings to myself.

  “I won’t be going for seconds if you know what I mean.” I say as I stand by the door and then he says something else to me and I’m left on my own as he goes to crash somewhere. I go up the stairs and to my door as quickly as I can, looking forward to what might be coming next.

  Oh God, I hope she lets me have her again. I open the door and she’s not there.

  Panic races through me, where is she? I storm through the house trying to find her but she’s nowhere to be seen. I try her mobile, but it just keeps ringing.

  Where is she?

  Last night was perfect and I thought she felt the same.

  CHAPTER THIRTY ONE

  It was an act?

  What he said was all a lie to protect me from his friend.

  I don’t know what to think right now.

  All this time I was under the impression that he had thought it was all a joke. That he didn’t really feel anything for me at all except I was just a joke to be laughed at.

  “What happens now?”

  “What happens now?” He angrily says as he points to his car.

  Oh God, I did that.

  I destroyed his car and I can’t draw my eyes away from the machine as I just look at the destruction I caused it and probably him as well.

  “Is that you have destroyed my car.”

  “I...I..I’m S...Sorry.”

  “You’re S...S..Sorry. He mocks me.“ Do you know how much that car is worth?”

  Of course it has to go back to money, that’s all he seems to be worried about.

  “Money?” I question him and I start to laugh, not just any laugh either, but one that seems to cackle with wickedness from deep in my throat.

  “Money? Is that all you can think about right now after everything you have just told me?”

  “You destroyed my car.”

  “I was mad at you. You never give up. You wouldn’t give up. I told you I didn’t want to get married but you didn’t care. You kept pushing me.”

  “What is wrong with you? This is about more than us, princess. You’ve turned into a psychotic bitch.”

  “What’s wrong with me?”

  “Yes, what’s wrong with you? What happened to the girl I first met who made me fall in love with her when we were just children?”

  “You laughed at me with your friend after we made love.”

  “And I just explained that.” He says, raising his arms in the process.

  “Everyone would have wanted you after that night. You looked amazing and I couldn’t let them go around talking about you as if you were just a piece of meat to have their fun with.” He takes a breath and steps closer to me.

  “I was trying to protect you and you just walked away as if that night meant nothing. Like everything we had shared up to that point meant nothing to you.”

  “I was mad at you. I thought you were laughing behind my back.”

  The pain I felt that night washes through my blood and I can feel it as fresh as if it were all happening again.

  “Is there a fucking echo around here or something? Yes, you were mad at me, I’ve got it, but that doesn’t explain my car.”

  “I...I.I don’t know” I feel so ashamed ofmyself, it wants to creep up my spine and cripple me.

  “Because you’re the one who’s the bitch and right now I don’t know who you fucking are.”

  “I don’t know what to say to you.” I can feel the tears filling the corners of my eyes, this has turned on its head. The ball is no longer in my court.

  “You’ve got that right, I can’t imagine you have. I have no idea who you are.” I don’t know who I am either at the moment. I want to let my tears fall because I think I’m losing him. I have pushed him too far this time and maybe now I may have won the war but maybe deep down I never really wanted to.

  This time I have really pushed him too far and I fear I will always regret it.

  It was only ever meant to be a game. I know I’m not strong enough to be around him any longer, his hatred for me is sending horrible shivers down my spine and a ball of vomit lodges itself at the back of my throat. I feel ill as his horrible expression is aimed right at me. Everything that I have done to him, what we have done to each other, isn’t fair on either of us. I can’t carry on like this any longer. It no longer matters if we could be great together, if we everwere, because in the end it would have always ended in the same way. We are toxic to each other but if this is the end then that could mean he will end up with someone else.

  That’s what I’ve always wanted, right?

  It is what this whole thing has been about, but sometime within the madness he has gotten inside my soul. He has thought his way inside me and now that I have found my feelings for him again I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want to have to see him with anyone else. I just want him for myself. He is mine, he has always been mine and he always will be.

  I have always loved him.

  I still love him.

  I love him. He is everything I have ever wanted, it has just taken me all this time to figure it out.

  I am scared out of my wits, he is going to leave me. My heart feels like it is literally trying to hammer itself through my chest. I can feel a single tear roll down my cheek. I swallow, feeling the bile thicken.

  “Charlton, I’m so sorry. I’ve always loved you. I love you.”

  “What? How can you even say that to me? After everything you have done. How? How can you stand there and say that to me now?”

  “I was mad at you,but I didn’t stop loving you, Charlton.”

  “You know what?”

  I
try to swallow, try to fight the razor blades that are now lodged in my throat as I fear what he might say.

  “What?”

  He turns in a full circle, taking everything in around us. Disgust is written all over his face.

  “You wanted this to end. You wanted to get rid of me. Well guess what, princess? I’ve had enough of this.”

  I always hoped this was going to happen before this point and although I should be in jubilation I can’t help but feel the small piece of hurt that wants to take hold of me with a vice grip.

  He’s going to leave me.

  I wanted this to happen, so why does it feel like my whole world is coming to an end?

  Why do I feel like my heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces, never to be repaired again?

  I don’t want him to leave me.

  “I’ve had enough of these games of yours” He stops to just stare at me, hatred filling his irises.

  “I’ve had enough of you. You wanted to end this, well guess what, princess?” He points at me this time.

  “It’s ended.”

  My feet feel like they are giving away from beneath me.

  I’ve done it and I’ve never felt worse.

  My soul is being ripped in two and wherever Charlton Williams goes he will be taking a piece of me with him.

  “I’m going upstairs to phone someone about my car.” I can hear the tears in his voice.

  “When I get down you better be gone.”

  ****

  I don’t know how I get home but I manage to drive back to the shop. It is relatively quiet in the streets and I am so grateful just to drive through to the back and get inside the building without being noticed. I go up in the lift to my floor and hide myself from the world.

  CHAPTER THIRTY TWO

  Pain.

  I am in so much pain I can’t breathe, and I only have myself to blame.

  I did this.

  I did it to myself and to Charlton.

  My judgment has been clouded ever since I saw him again and now I am suffering for it.

  My senses have been clouded with a heightened world of flames and lust since that meal with our parents.

  I have never been able to think straight when I am with him.

  Everything is clouded when I am with him and I can feel everything falling down around me like fallen bricks from a building.

  It is all my fault.

  It wasn’t meant to happen like this.

  I wasn’t supposed to be still in love with him but I am.

  I went into this thinking I knew my own rules but one look from him and I failed miserably.

  His proximity always makes me utterly immobile.

  I can’t move when he is close.

  He has been everywhere at once, seeping into every part of me.

  I didn’t know what to do to protect myself from him and so I went into battle unprotected.

  I was trapped by everything he did.

  He intoxicated me.

  Infatuated me.

  I became a besotted moron and I was blown away by how he made me feel, how he made me feel like a woman who was wanted.

  He wanted me.

  I’m not just Noelle to him,but a person.

  A woman.

  I am a woman to him.

  I was his woman and I ruined it all by my own stupidity.

  I could have had a future with him.

  I could have been someone special to Charlton. My heart is bumping so fast as it all becomes clear. I am a locomotive out of control on its own tracks as reality comes crashing down all around me, breaking all the walls I have ever had in place to protect myself.

  I am still in love with him.

  I am in love withhim and he loved me too.

  He never wanted anything except my love in return.

  He wasn’t thinking of anything else except me and helping me with the business and the survival of both our families.

  There was no ploy to his kindness.

  He just wanted me, and I had to go and ruin it.

  I can’t breathe as I think of what I have done.

  I wanted to push him so hard that he would leave me alone.

  I’ve won.

  He did what I always wanted.

  He has had enough of me.

  I should be happy, but I am anything but.

  Everything hurts.

  My lungs cease to breathe.

  My heart is crumbling.

  I wanted payback for everyone trying to tie us together and seal our fates and I went straight to the heart of the matter.

  The man I loved.

  The man I have never stopped loving.

  What is wrong with me?

  I am in love with the man, that is what is wrong with me and I have never stopped loving him. I pushed him too far and now he is gone and it is all my fault.

  Guilt burns inside me.

  What have I done?

  I can still see the way his smirk faded as he took in the scene around him, his car, his baby and I destroyed it.

  I have never felt so sorry in all my life and I don’t have the guts to phone him and say I am sorry.

  What can I say that would make any of it better?

  Nothing, that is it.

  It has been a few days now since it happened and the wedding is even closer.

  Seventy two hours to go.

  I am expected to walk down the aisle with my father at my side in seventy two hours.

  I haven’t heard from Charlton.

  There is nothing on the news to say that the wedding isn’t going to happen. I have searched the internet and there is nothing on that either.

  I’m not brave enough to tell Daddy that it looks like the wedding isn’t going to happen and from the look of it, it appears Charlton is feeling the same way.

  We are both wimps, neither of us want to face the truth.

  Is there a chance that he still wants me?

  That he loves me.

  He hasn’t phoned me.

  Why hasn’t he phoned?

  I can’t even remember how I got home after he stormed off, but I remember coming to as tears slid down my cheeks, with Sammy nestled by my side.

  I crawled into my bed and I’ve stayed there since, only getting out to go to the toilet or make myself or Sammy a drink or some food.

  I am all alone and I have no one to blame but myself.

  I hate who I have become.

  ****

  I come to hearing the banging on my door. Sammy’s head rises in question and I just don’t want to move. I want to stay within the safety of my bed. I feel the cold attack me as Sammy jumps off my bed and then I can hear him barking at the door. Great, whoever is here is going to know that I’m here by hearing Sammy’s barking.

  “Open up, Noelle. I know you are in there.” I can hear Louisa’s voice through the door. I get out of bed and walk down my hallway, the banging getting louder the closer I get to the door.

  “Go away, Louisa.”

  “I’m not going anywhere so you best open up before anyone else hears my banging.” She starts to bang even louder now, I can feel the vibrations imprison me with my own sadness and fear.

  He can’t even see me, he has to send his sister to end things for him.

  That’s what she’s here for and I’m too scared to get the confirmation because deep down I want to go ahead with this wedding.

  “Open up, Noelle. I’m not going anywhere until I’ve spoken to you.”

  “Maybe.”I say, just hoping she will disappear, but of course she doesn’t. With shaky hands I unlock the lock and step back as she storms into my home.

  “Well, I can only hope you know what you are doing.”She says as she comes to stand before me, closing the door with a bang behind her.

  “I don’t know.”I say as tears fall down my cheeks and she can only nod her head as she goes for my hand. I’m not quick enough and I can feel her warmth radiate through me.

  “I spoke to Charlton.” She sa
ys as she squeezes my hand like a vice.

  “I’m worried about you.”

  “I’m fine.” I know she can tell that I’m lying through my teeth just by the tears that I can’t control sliding down my face.

  “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”

  “Nervous?” I question her and I fight to give away a giggle, if only she knew.

  “Charlton wants to know why you haven’t said anything to your father.”

  There it is, my worst fears. I turn to look at her, the tears are a freefall river, but he hasn’t told his either.

  “Has he told yours?” She looks at me with a cheeky smile and then quickly looks at Sammy. Every now and then she takes a quick glance at her watch or at her mobile, I can see the air blow out of her mouth with frustration.

  “He was waiting on you.” I hear Louisa say under her breath.”He’s supposed to do it. He was always the one who wanted to get married.”

  “You hurt him.”

  I look at her, why is she saying that?

  I already know that I hurt him, because I hurt myself too.

  “Why haven’t you said anything to your father?” She takes a breath and looks back at me again with eyes that shout for me to just talk to her. I raise my eyebrows, hoping this can all hurry up.

  “B...Because I didn’t, ok.”

  “Why, Noelle? I have seen the way you looked at him when you thought no one was watching you. I saw the way he looked at you too. You love each other.”

  “So what if I did? He’s finished it now.”

  Oh God, just saying those words seems so final. I might never see him again. He did things to me, made me feel things for him, but now nothing else will ever be done again.

  He is gone, and it is all my fault and that thought pushes all the air from my lungs.

  I don’t like that thought at all.

  I don’t want to be rid of him, life seems so different now he’s not with me. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without him?

  I don’t want to live my life without him by my side.

  “You love him.” Louisa says again.