by Meris Lee
“You are lucky, Ana,” said her grandmother. They left with a loaf of freshly baked bread. The aroma made Ana’s stomach growl and made her mouth water.
When they got home, Ana ran into the arms of her father.
“Where is Mama?” said Ana.
“She got tired of coughing, and went with the angels to heaven,” said her father. He had tears down his cheeks. Ana smelled vodka when he gave her a kiss on her forehead. He picked her up, and showed her the crescent moon in the sky. The air was still and chilly, only a soft draft of winter was blowing.
When Ana turned to look at her father’s face again, she saw Leo instead. They were sunbathing on the bank of the Ob River. Ana ran her finger over the tattoos on Leo’s arms and chest as they kissed. When Leo pushed her away, she saw him holding an electric guitar in the shape of a teardrop.
“This is for you, my love,” Leo said softly in her ear. Her spine tingled as she felt the warm breath of Leo’s whisper on her neck.
Ana took over the guitar and started strumming it. It was not connected to an amplifier but it had an amazing, full sound. She wanted to sing, but her whole body seized up instead. She moaned, but not for long, for soon it was overlapped by the high-pitched cry of a newborn. Ana rubbed the baby girl on her back with one hand, while they both lay in bed. The baby girl was taking breast milk from Ana’s nipple. What a strangely blissful feeling!
“I love you, Zoe,” said Ana. It was surreal. As soon as she uttered Zoe’s name, Zoe became a toddler and they were engaged in a game of tickling. Zoe was laughing unstoppably as Ana kissed her and tickled her all over. Ana wished that she could record the sound in her mind.
“Ana,” said an old woman standing at the door of Ana’s bedroom.
“Babushka?” said Ana.
Ana held Zoe and followed her grandmother into the living room. There was a small crowd of people, all dressed in black. The curtains were black and so were the tablecloths. Someone came up to Ana and said, “I am so sorry for your loss.”
Ana looked to one corner of the room, and saw an oversized, framed portrait of Leo in black and white. Ana couldn’t feel her legs all of a sudden, and sank to the floor.
When she regained consciousness, she felt someone tugging at her skirt. She looked down, and saw Ivan urging her to help him get on a swing at the playground. She was a little startled to find him. Where did he come from?
“Mama,” said little Ivan.
Ana’s head felt heavy. Her hands were shaking. She unclutched Ivan’s hand from her skirt, and then she walked to the liquor store to buy vodka. When she came back to the playground, Zoe was playing with Ivan in the sandbox.
“Go away. We don’t need you. Go be with your new boyfriend, whoever that is,” said Zoe when she saw Ana.
Ana’s grandmother appeared again and gave Ana a hug, and then she took Zoe away. Ivan started crying, but Ana just stood there and watched him cry. She drank from the bottle of vodka, gulp after gulp till it was gone.
Eduard came out of nowhere and swept Ana off her feet. He carried her as they frolicked in the clouds. When he put her down again, they were standing at the altar of a wedding chapel. Eduard slipped the ring on Ana’s finger despite her tremor, and Ana was overjoyed. Ivan came to give them both a big hug, and then he sailed away on his skateboard.
The tremor got worse and Ana was forced into a fetal position. She was covered in cold sweat. Waves of nausea overwhelmed her, when a doctor in a white coat came and said to her, “Your baby is dead.”
Ana screamed in horror. She was placed in the birthing bed, with both knees held toward her chest.
“Push!” someone said in an unforgiving voice.
Ana took a deep breath and bore down.
The nurse brought the stillborn boy for Ana to see. Ana, exhausted, turned to look at the baby.
It was no baby. It was Zoe’s face, swollen, black and blue, lifeless.
Ana became breathless, and started to gasp for air. She was drowning in a sea of cold blood. Her body was paralyzed and she could not keep her head afloat.
Ana knew that she had died when she woke up to find herself lying on the deck of a boat that was rocking in the gentle waves. The sky was a cloudless blue, and the sun was almost blinding. The air was warm and salty. She sat up and found that the boat had been anchored just off a white sandy beach. The emerald water around her was crystal clear, with tropical fish and coral reefs in plain sight. Ana didn’t think that she deserved to be in heaven. She got off the boat and waded in the water toward the beach. There was no one else around.
Ana lay down under a coconut tree and breathed in and out deeply several times in an attempt to cleanse herself of her past. She felt relaxed and anew. She rolled to one side, and found something glistening in the sand.
Ana stared at the sparkle for a minute, and then reached to pick it up. It was a pearl.
“Ana,” a man said.
The voice sounded familiar. Ana thought that it was the wind at first.
“Ana.”
Ana sat up; that was definitely not the wind.
Chapter 37
The room was bright and Ana had trouble keeping her eyes open. She saw white ceiling tiles and fluorescent lights above, and there were some faces around her. She recognized one of them.
“Ivan,” said Ana.
“Ma.” Ivan was holding Ana’s hand in his, looking at Ana intently.
Ana struggled to sit up, and saw that a man, probably a nurse, was helping her. She looked around, and saw Mai. There was another woman in the room, dressed more professionally.
“Am I in a hospital?” said Ana.
The professionally dressed woman introduced herself as Dr. Cao, and she said, “You had a seizure, and your son called for ambulance to bring you to the hospital. You have been in and out of delirium for a couple of days, but I think you are out of danger now.”
Dr. Cao turned to the nurse to give him a few instructions, and then said to Ana, “I’ll let you guys visit. If you are still doing okay tomorrow, we will transfer you to the rehab center.”
Dr. Cao and the nurse left the room. Mai came forward and studied Ana’s face.
“I was so scared. I thought you were going to die,” said Mai.
Ana gave a weak smile and said, “I don’t remember what happened at all.”
She paused for a second, and then she remembered Zoe. She said, “Zoe. Where is Zoe?”
“She’s fine,” said Mai. “She is right here in the same hospital. She is out of the ICU, in a regular room now.”
“I remember leaving Zoe after the doctors took the breathing tube out, and made sure that she was breathing all right on her own. She was still so sedated, so I decided to go home and see if Ivan was okay, with the typhoon and all,” said Ana, looking at Ivan.
Ivan squeezed Ana’s hand, and smiled a little.
“Ivan saved your life,” said Mai. “The whole building was vacated. No one would have found you till the storm was over. Who knows what would have happened to you?”
Ana looked at Ivan gratefully. She squeezed his hand, too, and said, “Are you still mad at me?”
Ivan shook his head.
“Ivan called everyone he could find in the contacts of your phone, and I came as soon as I heard,” said Mai.
Ana smiled and said, “How did you hack into my phone?”
“It was easy,” said Ivan. He didn’t offer much more explanation.
Ana considered it for a second, and then said, “So, did you call Mr. Nguyen, too?”
“I did, but he didn’t pick up. I left a message,” said Ivan.
“Who is this Mr. Nguyen?” said Mai.
“Vo Nguyen, the one our boss Mr. Tran was bragging about all the time. He was supposed to get engaged to Miss Kim Pham, remember?” said Ana.
“Oh, him. I didn’t know he’s your friend,” said Mai.
“He is more than a friend,” said Ivan. Ana, feeling embarrassed, tugged at his finger.
Mai’s
eyes widened, and she said, “So you were the reason the engagement didn’t go through that night? You two were seeing each other?”
Ana looked away. “Yes,” said Ana. “But anyway, I did something very awful. I don’t think he wants me anymore. What’s the use? I’m an alcoholic. I’m not good enough for him.”
“You are not good enough when you are drunk, but you are going to beat it this time. People quit drinking all the time. You can do it, too,” said Mai.
“You don’t understand. It’s in my blood,” said Ana. She was feeling hopeless.
“Don’t let alcohol defeat you. You are bigger than that,” said Mai.
Ana appreciated her friend’s confidence, and smiled.
“Ma, do it for me,” said Ivan.
Ana looked at Ivan, and her eyes were welling up.
“Do it for Zoe. Do it for us, Ma,” said Ivan.
Ana had quit drinking many times before, but her sobriety never lasted long. One thing or another always dragged her back deeper into the dungeon after she tried so hard to climb out of it. It wasn’t that she never considered her children; they were enough reason to motivate her. She just didn’t know how to stay off alcohol for good.
“Ivan is staying with me, so you don’t have to worry about him,” said Mai. “Zoe will come and stay with me, too, after the doctor releases her. She already agreed. So you go on to the rehab center and take all the time you need there. That place is expensive but they are taking you on as charity, so make the best of it. Not many people get a chance like that.”
Ana nodded her head. For some unclear reason, she felt that she could really succeed this time. She was more determined than ever before. She turned toward Ivan.
“I will do it for you, Zoe, and myself, all of us,” said Ana. “I love you so much. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I have been a total failure. Will you forgive me, and give me another chance to be the mother I am supposed to be?”
Ivan threw himself in Ana’s arms, sobbing.
“Now that I know what’s going on, I will keep an eye on you, too,” said Mai. “I just hope that you don’t find me meddlesome. You can’t do this on your own. You should have been honest about it from the beginning, and we can all help you stay sober.”
“I can’t just come out and tell random strangers that I am alcoholic,” said Ana.
“Why not?” said Mai. “People will respect you for it, and not tempt you with alcohol unknowingly. And if I had known this was the problem, I would have made you get treatment when you started being late to work, instead of waiting till you almost died.” She gave Ana a disapproving look.
Ana was thankful for Mai’s candidness. Mai had always been a straightforward, no-nonsense kind of friend. Ana wished that she was as assertive and level-headed as Mai was.
“Yes, madam,” said Ana, giving Mai a military salute, “I will not disappoint you.”
They all broke into laughter when someone knocked on the door. It was Zoe in a wheelchair. Tuan, in plain clothes, was behind her.
“Zoe,” said Ana, smiling.
Zoe’s bandages had been removed, leaving only a few staples on one side of the scalp where it was shaved before the surgery. There were no tubes or wires. The swelling on her face had largely resolved and the bruises had faded into a greenish yellow with small blotches of brown. Tuan pushed her toward Ana.
“They won’t let me walk yet, even though I have been pacing my room all morning. I am so bored,” said Zoe.
Ana couldn’t help it. Strings of tears rolled out of her eyes.
“Don’t cry, Ma. I’m not dead,” said Zoe.
Ana hadn’t heard Zoe called her “Ma” in so long that she was tearing up even more. Zoe reached out to grab Ana’s hand.
“I guess we are even now,” said Zoe. “We both nearly died. It’s a chance for us to start over. If I promise to not be a troublemaker anymore, will you promise to quit drinking for good?”
“Yes, I will,” said Ana. “But you are never a troublemaker. You are a victim of my failure at being a mother. I am sorry.”
Zoe gave Ana a smile, too.
“Officer Le told us what you did to save the women kidnapped from Russia and all over Southeast Asia. You are a real hero,” said Mai.
“I played a very small part. Tuan was the big shot,” said Zoe.
Tuan rubbed his head, and he said, “I was also just doing my part. It was a collaborative effort among many official and non-official individuals.”
“Your future son-in-law is very modest,” Mai said to Ana.
“He’s not the future son-in-law,” said Zoe. “We are just friends.”
Tuan nodded his head to show his agreement, but he was blushing.
“He acts like he’s her boyfriend,” said Mai. “He stays up here all night every night, and calls the nurse all the time for every little concern. Zoe’s nurse told me all about it. When you were unconscious, Ana, the doctors were giving him the report on Zoe.”
“Well,” said Tuan, “someone had to know what’s going on. Plus, I shared some blame for Zoe’s condition.”
“Thank you so much, Tuan,” said Ana.
Ivan was the only one not smiling in the room.
“I’m going to take a walk. I’ll be back,” said Ivan. He grabbed his skateboard, and left the room.
Zoe bit her lower lip and said to Ana, “Do you know about Sofia?”
“Who’s that?” said Ana.
Zoe let out a long sigh, and then she began to fill Ana in on the state of Ivan’s fateful relationship with Sofia.
Chapter 38
When Ana got out of rehab a month later, the fall term of school had started for Zoe and Ivan. Ana was not able to pay for the tuition, but Ivan got a scholarship somehow and the school agreed to let Ana pay for Zoe’s fees in installments. Ana had a feeling that her luck was beginning to turn in her favor. She stayed with Mai while her counselor at the rehab center helped her find another apartment. The counselor found one, and Ana’s family would be able to move in once Ana saved up enough money for the security deposit and the first month’s rent.
Ana was happy that Zoe decided to actually attend classes now. Zoe still loved music, but she had developed a new interest in the general direction of “helping people” as she called it. She wasn’t sure what career path she wanted to pursue yet. She was considering law enforcement, healthcare, and social work. She even considered teaching, because she thought that a better education would empower women and arm them against predators. Psychology was another option, because if Irisa had the counseling she needed after her husband died, she might not have gotten so depressed and lost her job. In any case, Zoe told Ana that she would finish high school and get a university degree because most of the jobs she was contemplating required a college diploma. She had a lot of catching up to do, but she was determined to make it happen. During her free time, which was preciously little now, she still got together with her friends to play their favorite gothic metal songs. Ana was worried that the volume of Zoe’s band practice would annoy Mai’s neighbors, but Zoe had instituted a plan to win over the heart of everyone in the apartment building. She helped take out the trash and do chores here and there, even babysit for free. She also got her band to play at all her neighbors’ special occasions without charging a fee.
Ivan still cruised up and down the beach promenade on his skateboard every afternoon, and Ana knew that he was still hoping that Sofia would appear one day. Before he went to bed every night, he would stare at the jar of seashells that Sofia had left him, and it saddened Ana to see him so miserable. He was able to focus on schoolwork, and still get top grades, but Ana knew that he would not be able to get over Sofia for a long time to come. She only had to look within herself for confirmation. Vo was never too far from her thoughts, either.
With the assistance of the counselor at the rehab center, Ana was able to obtain a job at an electronics store. She gave advice to customers shopping for cameras and accessories, and was even allowed to
display her photographs in the store as advertisement. She talked her boss into hosting a weekly photography workshop and that helped boost revenue tremendously as the students invariably made more purchases afterward, in addition to paying a fee for the class. Her boss was aware of her alcoholic history, and he was entrusted by the rehab center with the task of monitoring Ana for signs of relapse.
“Ma, do you miss Mr. Nguyen?” said Ivan one evening as he, Zoe and Ana were getting ready for bed. The three of them were sharing a room in Mai’s apartment. Ana and Zoe took the bed, and Ivan slept on the floor.
“I do. You too?” said Ana.
“I really wish he could be my papa,” said Ivan.
“It was too bad,” said Zoe. “We can’t blame him for leaving. We were just too messed up.”
“To make up for it,” said Ana, “I will work doubly hard as a mother. Deal?” She gave a bitter smile.
Ivan shook his head and said, “You still love him though, right?”
Ana didn’t answer.
“That’s what I meant by missing him,” said Ivan. He looked toward the jar of seashells on his desk.
“Don’t be so sentimental,” said Zoe. “I know that you miss Sofia. It’s no use. She won’t come back. Mr. Nguyen won’t, either. So it’s best if we just forget about them and move on.”
“It’s easy for you to say,” said Ivan. “You got Tuan, so you don’t care if the rest of the world is heartbroken.”
“For the thousandth time, Tuan is not my boyfriend,” said Zoe. She sounded annoyed.
“Whatever,” said Ivan.
The conversation ended, and Ivan and Zoe fell asleep without any more fuss. Ana lay awake, staring at the ceiling. She still wore the necklace that Vo had given her. She felt for the pearl, the one she and Vo found on that remote island. It felt so distant, like a century ago, but at the same time as fresh as yesterday. As much as the memories pained her, she refused to part with the pearl. The tears streamed down her face silently.
When Ana got off from work, she would take a walk on the beach. She always hesitated when she was about to come across the Sailing Club. She worried that Vo might get angry if he saw her. But in the end she always walked by it anyway, slowly and purposefully, with the dim hope of catching a glance of Vo. She thought about how embarrassed it would be if people caught her stalking. This behavior could not be healthy, but she gave in to this obsession, telling herself that it was all right since she had to replace the drinking habit with something else.