by Meris Lee
The day that Ana was to move into her new apartment, Mai came home with some news.
“Mr. Tran is closing the restaurant for a few days so he can go to a wedding in America,” said Mai. “I asked him who was getting married, and he said it was Miss Kim Pham, the daughter of his number one investor. He told me that Mr. Vo Nguyen already left with Miss Kim for America to get ready for the wedding.” She stopped to catch a breath.
Ana was shocked to hear it. She felt the blood rush out of her head, and dropped a box of books on the floor. The books bounced out of the box and scattered.
Zoe held on to Ana. Ivan got down on his knees to collect the books and put them back in the box.
“The wedding is going to be next Sunday,” said Mai. “I am off all week next week, and a few more days after that. Mr. Tran said that he was going to have a vacation in America, too, since he had never been there before.”
“That was last minute and short notice,” said Ivan.
“It had to be. Miss Kim is pregnant,” said Mai.
Ana took a step back. Her mouth was half open in astonishment. Zoe wrapped her arm around Ana’s shoulder.
“I can’t believe it,” said Mai. “It’s barely two months since you two broke up. Men are pigs.”
Ana felt dizzy. She sat down in a chair, and buried her face in her hands.
“Aunt Mai,” said Zoe, “couldn’t you have waited till after we moved to tell us this? Actually, we really didn’t need to know it to begin with.”
“You know I can’t keep my mouth shut,” said Mai, “and your mother will find out sooner or later anyway.” She turned to Ana and said, “I’ll help you move these boxes. Why don’t you rest a little till you feel better?”
Ana stood up, grabbed a box, and headed out of Mai’s apartment. There was a van waiting outside to collect all the boxes and take Ana, Zoe, and Ivan to their new home.
“Aunt Mai, you’ve really upset my ma,” said Zoe. She was pouting.
“You keep an eye on your mother,” said Mai. “Make sure she doesn’t start drinking. Let me know right away if you suspect anything. She is really vulnerable right now.”
“She wouldn’t be if she hadn’t known what happened,” said Zoe. “Sometimes I wish that you could just keep a few things to yourself,” said Zoe.
Mai helped Zoe and Ivan move a few more boxes. When they were finished, Zoe threw her arms around Mai and gave Mai a good squeeze.
“Goodbye, Aunt Mai,” said Zoe. “Thank you for all you’ve done for us. We love you tons.” She picked up the last box, and walked out of Mai’s apartment with Ivan. The rainy season had started, and it was pouring again. Zoe thought that perhaps, since her mother wouldn’t cry, the gods in heaven, stricken with her mother’s sorrow, let their tears flood the earth instead.
Chapter 39
Ana focused on setting up her new home in the next few weeks, trying to crowd the sadness and disappointment out of her mind by occupying it with other matters. The new apartment, thankfully, came furnished by the landlord, who was also a recovering alcoholic. He had promised to alert the counselor at the rehab center if Ana was ever behind in rent, an indication of a possible relapse. The landlord let Ana decorate her apartment according to her heart’s desire, so Ana repainted the walls and installed her photographs around the apartment. Ivan and Zoe decorated their own rooms, too. Ivan put up posters of marine mammals on his walls, and started his own collection of seashells in addition to the jar Sofia gave him, which he placed prominently on his nightstand. Zoe made black, purple and red the theme colors of her room, and filled it with ornate silver candleholders and embroidered silk cushions. Soon, the three of them had a cozy home to return to every evening, where they would sit and have dinner together, and talk about their day. It was never discussed in the open, but there was a taciturn understanding among them that Nha Trang was going to be home indefinitely.
Ana was doing well at the electronics store, and besides the photography workshop, she started to do studio portraits as well in a room above the store. Ana was bringing in so much business that the owner of the store had to hire an additional clerk to help with the volume of customers. On the weekends Ana taught Russian out of her apartment, and she occasionally gave tours of Nha Trang to Russian visitors. Every now and then she took a commissioned photography job, but for the most part she roamed around Nha Trang photographing whatever subjects she found fascinating. She saved up money to purchase a secondhand large format printer, and was now able to print and frame her own work. She tried to spend some time with Zoe and Ivan, but they usually had other academic or social engagements; they were more than satisfied just to have dinner with Ana every night, they told her.
The rainy season was over when winter started, which was a little cooler than the summer but still balmy compared to winter in Novosibirsk. Ana missed the Christmas celebrations in Russia, but for the most part, she was glad to be in Nha Trang instead. She went for a walk on the beach every morning and every afternoon, sometimes stopping to watch Ivan and his friends skateboard. She rarely watched Ivan skateboard before, but now all the boys wanted to show off their tricks in front of her. She was proud when she saw Ivan teach the younger kids how to skateboard; he had both the patience and the tact.
Zoe started to ask Ana to go shopping together. This was a new thing for Ana. Their favorite hangout was the Nha Trang Center. Ivan would play the arcade games while Ana and Zoe window-shopped. Ana and Zoe developed a new camaraderie as they critiqued the clothes, accessories, and shoes. When they got tired of walking, they would meet up with Ivan for lunch at the food court, and then catch the latest movie. Zoe now dressed less dramatically for school, but outside of school she still wore gothic outfits and makeup. Zoe often wore the dress that Ana gave her for her birthday, and that was validation for Ana’s effort at being a better mother. Ana was thankful for it every day, and whenever she felt thirsty for vodka, the thought of losing her children would quickly put the craving out of her mind.
The Vietnamese New Year came in the middle of winter, and Mai invited Ana’s family over for a lavish feast. Ana loved the bánh tét, sticky rice with mung bean paste bundled up in banana leaves. Zoe and Ivan were ecstatic when they each received a red envelope with money inside from Mai. They bowed to her and said, “Chúc mừng năm mới.” After the feast they all went to the beach to watch the fireworks over the sea. Ana looked up at the night sky which was brightened by the pyrotechnics, and prayed that this good life would never end.
One Friday evening, Ana came home and saw that Ivan and Zoe were watching television in the living room. She smiled, thinking how precious that moment was, because back in Russia, Zoe had not always lived with Ivan. It was a wonderful feeling to come home to two cheerful children who were sharing their time with each other. Zoe and Ivan had bonded so much and so quickly. Ana greeted her children, and then went to the kitchen to heat up the food she made the evening before. Ana was now shopping for groceries and cooking daily, except on Friday evenings when she attended the meetings of the local alcoholics support group.
“Dinner’s ready,” said Ana as she brought out the bowls and plates from the cabinet.
Zoe and Ivan came in to help set the table.
“So who wants to tell me about school first?” said Ana
“I made a ninety-five on my math test,” said Zoe.
“Wow,” said Ana, “you must’ve worked really hard on it. Your grades are improving so fast. Looks like you might be able to graduate from high school on time.”
“Or not, she has to make up so many classes,” said Ivan.
“I just need to take this exit exam at the end of the spring semester, and if I pass I will graduate,” said Zoe. “Smart people don’t have to take all the classes. It’s called skipping a grade or two.” She stuck out her tongue at Ivan, who did the same back at her.
Ana was delighted to hear that Zoe was progressing well. When they sat down to eat, the doorbell rang. Zoe went to answer the door
, and came back in with Tuan.
“Hi, Tuan. Sit down and eat,” said Ana. She went to get an extra bowl and another pair of chopsticks.
“Fish stew and stir-fried morning glory, I love it,” Tuan said as he sat down.
Tuan had become a frequent visitor at dinner time in Ana’s household. He would come after work and hung out for an hour or two after dinner. Sometimes, Tuan even helped Ana with the dishes and took out the trash.
Ana enjoyed his company tremendously. She already thought of him as a son, inviting him to all family events and buying him little things here and there. She even surprised him with a party on his birthday. It was obvious that Tuan was in love with Zoe. Tuan was one of those rare dependable, trustworthy men that Ana had only read about in romance novels. She wanted Zoe to finish college first, but secretly she was already fantasizing about planning Zoe’s wedding, and she even daydreamed about spoiling her first grandchild.
“Tell us another story, Tuan,” said Ivan. Ana knew that Ivan liked to brag about his police friend’s heroic adventures at school. Tuan started telling them about a case he had recently solved. Zoe and Ivan listened intently; their eyes followed Tuan’s animated gestures, and they gasped whenever Tuan would describe a particularly sensational detail.
Ana watched the three youngsters joke with one another between each bite of the food that she had prepared. She wondered if this was what a normal family dinner looked like. It had to be, everyone seemed happy, and Ana didn’t know how to make it any better. There was still a void in her heart, but for now, she was content.
Chapter 40
There was a mad exodus of students when the school day was over some time in the middle of the afternoon. They came out in groups of three or four, all talking at once about their afterschool plans, somehow all hearing one another at the same time. Some were picked up by their parents who had been waiting by the gate, but most walked home with their pals. Many of them, those without parental supervision, went straight to the nearby cafes or stores for snacks, drinks, and arcade games.
Zoe was chatting with a friend when she saw Tuan waiting for her in his green uniform on his police motorcycle. He waved at her, flashing a smile at the same time.
“Your boyfriend is here,” said her friend, Elena. “Are you still coming over to my house for the movie, or are you going to cancel?”
“I am coming. Wait for me here,” said Zoe.
She walked over to Tuan, and frowned at him.
“I told you not to come and pick me up anymore,” said Zoe. “I don’t want people to think that you are my boyfriend. I know you are trying to protect me from potential retaliation by Boris’s gang, and I really appreciate it. But it’s been over six months now. Nothing has happened. I doubt that any of them knew I planted the bugs. So relax.”
“You need a ride home anyway, and I am free,” said Tuan.
“I’ve got other things to do,” said Zoe, rolling her eyes. “Well, my friend is waiting for me, so I’ll see you later.” She walked back toward Elena.
“Will I see you at dinner tonight? At your place?” said Tuan.
“Yeah. Bye,” said Zoe as she and Elena walked away.
Tuan looked longingly until Zoe and Elena disappeared around a corner. He stared into space for a while, until someone called his name. It was Ivan, who just came out of the school on his skateboard.
“What’s the matter? Where’s Zoe?” said Ivan.
“She went with her friend somewhere,” said Tuan.
“I like you a lot, Tuan,” said Ivan, “but I think you should give up now. My sister is not very bright when it comes to choosing a boyfriend. She and my mother had that in common, unfortunately, chronically dating losers. Well, except for Eduard and Mr. Nguyen, in the case of my mother. Anyway, Zoe is stupid for not wanting you. Don’t waste your time on her.”
“What do you know about these things? You are barely twelve,” said Tuan. He chuckled, looking into the distance.
Ivan shook his head and said, “I’ll see you later.” He left on his skateboard.
Tuan had passed on a promotion in the Hanoi Police Department in order to stay with Zoe in Nha Trang. He was incurably drawn to her, and he couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing her for even just one day. He was almost six years older than Zoe, but Zoe’s had boyfriends who were much older, according to her anyway. He didn’t much like hearing about her old flings.
He heard his cell phone ring, but he didn’t answer it when he saw that the caller was his mother. He had been avoiding his parents. He didn’t want to explain one more time why he had not returned to Hanoi, or why he had disappointed his father by turning down the promotion. He didn’t tell them about Zoe, because they wouldn’t have understood, and might have resented her instead. That wouldn’t help, if some day in the future she would agree to marry him.
He went back to the police station and worked on a couple of cases before he left for Zoe’s apartment. For now, he was satisfied just to help her with homework and watch a little television together. Zoe’s mother seemed to like him well, so he thought that his chances were pretty good.
Zoe was waiting for him outside her apartment building when he arrived. He smiled broadly when he saw her. This was the first time that she had greeted him before he walked up to her second-floor home.
“Let’s go to the beach. I want to talk to you,” said Zoe. She sat down behind Tuan on his motorcycle before he turned off the engine. When he took off toward the beach, he was a little disappointed when she held on to the rear grab bar instead of encircling his waist with her arms like she normally did.
It was almost dark when they got to the beach. They left their shoes with the motorcycle, and started walking toward the sand. Tuan was delighted that they got to spend some time alone, but was apprehensive of the conversation that Zoe had in mind.
“It’s so beautiful, the ocean, even at night,” said Tuan. “Don’t you want to just stay here forever? We should do this more often, walking on the beach in the evenings when it’s less crowded.”
Zoe didn’t answer right away. She was a couple of steps behind Tuan. Tuan stopped so that Zoe could catch up and walk with him side by side, but she just stopped, too.
“Tuan,” said Zoe, “I know how you feel about me. I don’t really deserve all this attention and devotion. I hadn’t exactly been a good girl.”
“I don’t know what you are saying,” said Tuan. “I see a perfect girl in front of me, perfect in every way, perfect for anybody.”
Zoe smiled. Tuan was emboldened. He took a deep breath and said, “I love you, Zoe.”
Zoe seemed a little stunned when she heard it
“That’s just the problem,” said Zoe. “I don’t love you that way. I mean, I am thankful for all you’ve done for me, and I owe you my life. And I do like you a lot, love you like a sister would a brother, really.”
Tuan was taken aback. His muscles were tense. He thought that he could change Zoe’s mind by saying the right words, but he couldn’t find them.
“Are you okay?” said Zoe.
“Tell me why,” said Tuan, “because I don’t understand it. I am a hundred times better than those men you used to date. Why won’t you love me?” His voice was shaking.
“I just don’t feel it,” said Zoe. “Anyway, it’ll be years before I’m ready to fall in love, if at all, and I don’t want you to gamble all that time when we might not end up together. I regret making poor decisions when it comes to boyfriends. For now, I want to focus on my studies and find out who I am, what I really want to be, and how I should approach this thing called life before I will even consider being with a man again. It’s a big world out there, full of possibilities. I can be more than just somebody’s girlfriend. I am much more than that.”
Tuan tried to digest all the grand rationales and lofty ideals that Zoe just heaved at him. How could he refute any of that? He agreed with her, but he wanted her so selfishly.
“We can do all those things together.
I have been helping you study,” said Tuan.
“And I appreciate it,” said Zoe.
“What do you want to do?” said Tuan. “Volunteer at the shelter? Join the Peace Corps? Take up painting, ballroom dance, or sailing? I will do anything your heart desires. I will do them with you.”
“You don’t get it,” said Zoe. “I need to be by myself, unattached to anyone. I need to grow as an individual, not as a part of a binary entity. I will never really find myself if I give in to a romantic relationship now.”
Tuan looked down, and paced a few steps away from Zoe. He dug his toes into the wet sand at the edge of the water, feeling defeated. He turned around. Zoe’s expression was serious.
“You can’t stop me from waiting for you,” said Tuan.
Zoe let out a sigh.
Tuan sighed, too, and said, “I won’t bother you again, but promise to stay friends with me, even if you fall in love with someone else after you have discovered yourself, and have grown as an individual to your satisfaction.” His tone of voice had softened.
Zoe broke into a smile. Tuan was teasing her, and that was a sign that he had agreed to let her be. She threw her arms around Tuan and gave him a gentle squeeze.
“Of course, friends forever,” said Zoe. She let go of Tuan. She dared not hold on to him for too long, fearing that she might surrender to him after all. The memory of the first time she embraced him on his motorcycle came to her, and her skin tingled a little. She bit her lower lip, and wondered if perhaps, by refusing Tuan, she was making the biggest mistake of her life.
Chapter 41