Not Mine to Give

by Laura Landon

  Duncan grabbed Regan by the shoulders and shook her. “Where?”

  “I do na know. She left early this morning. I was to have a horse tied to a tree near the stream where the rocks end. She said she would find her way to it after you left your chamber this morning.”

  Duncan pushed her away from him and ran across the bailey, shouting orders for his men to saddle their horses and follow him.

  “She does na think it will matter to you if she never comes back,” Regan hollered, running after him. Her words stabbed him in the heart.

  Of course she would not think he cared. Why would she? He knew she’d needed him to hold her and comfort her last night, but he could not come to her.

  Duncan threw his saddle on his horse’s back and rode across the drawbridge. Men gathered from every direction to catch up with him. By the time he had crested the steep hill that led to the rocks beside the stream, Malcolm was on his right and Angus on his left. They both knew without being told what had happened.

  He rode after Kate as if the demons of hell chased him. He could not believe he hadn’t seen this coming. He should have known it when Bolton issued his threat to return for the crown in three days. The ultimatum put Kate at a much greater risk than him.

  He could not believe he hadn’t realized she would be so desperate to get the crown that she would let nothing stop her until she found a way to get away from him. He could not believe he hadn’t figured out she was looking for the secret passageway when he found her in his parents’ chamber.

  He could not believe she would leave him.

  What a fool he had been.

  Duncan pushed his horse up the steep hill that would take him to the place in the rocks where the door to the secret passageway was hidden. He hadn’t forgotten the tunnel was there, he’d just assumed his wife hadn’t found it.

  Malcolm and Angus and a small army of Fergusons rode at his side and when they reached the stream they found the place where the horse had been tethered. They followed the tracks into the stream then back out when it climbed the bank and headed for Kilgern Castle.

  Duncan spurred his horse on faster. He had to get to her before she crossed onto MacIntyre land and reached Ian. If she demanded sanctuary there would be little he could do to get her back. She and the crown would both be lost to him.

  A fear unlike any he’d ever felt washed over him. He could not lose the crown.

  He could not lose Kate.

  Chapter 17

  Katherine heard them coming long before she saw them. The ground thundered beneath her, and even the branches on the trees seemed to quiver in fear. If Duncan caught her, there would be no hope. No hope for him, or for his Scots, or for her soul.

  She pushed her gray mare to go faster and closed the gap between Kilgern Castle and the sanctuary Ian MacIntyre could offer her. Her throat tightened until she couldn’t swallow and the fire in her chest burned with each gasping breath.

  She lowered her head and tightened her trembling grip on the thin reins, repeating her prayer that God would not make leaving Duncan so hard. That He would not make it hurt more than it already did.

  The sounds grew louder and she knew Duncan and his warriors had gained ground. If she turned around, she would be able to see them. She would be able to see the anger on her Scot’s face, and the fury in his eyes.

  From up ahead, another low rumble thundered in the air and a cloud of dust rose and swirled before her. She blinked her eyes and prayed she would see the MacIntyre tartan.

  Dear God. Please let me reach Ian in time.

  MacIntyre warriors were before her and Duncan with his Fergusons behind her. Her heart pounded in her breast, suffocating her as she gasped for air. Dust blurred her vision, making it impossible to focus. The tears in her eyes only made it worse. She couldn’t think. All reasoning was gone. Panic clouded her mind with such intensity that she could not pull together two rational thoughts.

  She dug her heels into the gray mare’s side and rode harder toward the MacIntyre warriors. Ian was in the lead. She had to reach him. She had to ask for sanctuary. God help her. She had to ask for protection from Duncan.

  Pounding hooves thundered louder from behind. Duncan was closer. So was Ian. Her brother-in-law was close enough that she could see the worry on his face and the concern in his eyes. When he was almost beside her, Katherine pulled on the reins and brought her mare to a halt.

  “Ian—” Her mouth was so dry the words did not want to come out and she tried again. “Ian, I need—” Katherine swallowed hard and tried to form the words through her gasping breaths. “I need—”

  “Dear God, Kate! Nay!” The desperation in Duncan’s voice was strained with anger. His desolation whipped around her body and covered her in a spiraling cloak of doom.

  Katherine turned to face her husband. There was a wild look in his eyes she didn’t want to face.

  “Do na ask Ian for sanctuary. Please, Kate. Not that.”

  For a long time no one moved. The wind did not whistle through the grass in the meadow. The birds did not sing in the bushes. The branches did not move on the trees. Only the heaving gusts of the winded horses dared to intrude on the quiet of the Scottish hillside. Nothing had life until Katherine spoke.

  “I cannot give you the crown, Duncan. Promise you will not take it from me.”

  Duncan took a deep breath before he answered. The muscles in his jaw tightened and Katherine could see his struggle. “I will na take it from you. I will wait for you to give it to me. I promise.”

  Katherine closed her eyes and bowed her head. He still didn’t understand. He still hoped for something that could never be.

  For a span of time that stretched beyond eternity, Katherine stared into Duncan’s eyes, praying that God would tell her what to do. It had taken every ounce of willpower to leave him this time. If she went back now, she didn’t know how she would ever find the courage to leave him again.

  As if he could see the chaos that raged within her, Duncan nudged his horse forward until he was so close she could feel the heat of his flesh against her. Her breath shuddered as it escaped her lungs. Duncan raised his arm and stretched his hand toward her.

  Katherine stared at his open palm and bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling. She wanted to reach out to him. She wanted to be held by him and feel his flesh against her flesh. She wanted to feel safe.

  “Take my hand, Kate. Take my hand and let me be the one to give you sanctuary.” He stared at her and his gaze did not waver. “I want to honor the vow I took before God to be your husband, to protect you.”

  Katherine lowered her head and closed her eyes. She had failed. She wasn’t strong enough to turn away from him. She wasn’t brave enough to live her life without him.

  Ian cleared his throat, then interrupted the uncomfortable stalemate. “Come with me, Katherine. We will all ride to Kilgern and sort this out before you make a decision. I left Elizabeth pacing the floors, waiting to hear why you had crossed onto MacIntyre land without an escort.”

  Katherine looked at Ian as she struggled to find the courage to ask for sanctuary.

  “Elizabeth is worried about you, Katherine,” Ian said, almost as a plea. “She has missed you and will be glad to see you again.”

  Katherine shuddered a sigh then nodded. The courage was not within her.

  “Kate?”

  Katherine turned her head and studied the hooded expression on Duncan’s face, then followed his gaze. His arm was still outstretched, waiting for her to place her hand and her trust in his palm. “Take my hand, Kate.”

  Katherine hesitated, then placed her hand in his palm. The feel of his skin was callused and hard and possessive. But when he wrapped his fingers around her flesh, a warm rush of unexplainable calm traveled to every part of her body.

  “You have only put off the inevitable, Duncan, and made what we both must do more difficult.”

  “Nay, lass. I did what I had to do to save us.”

  “And again I w
as not brave enough to challenge you. If my father were here I would see disappointment on his face.

  “And what do you see when you look at my face?”

  “Satisfaction.”

  “That is na satisfaction you see, wife. It’s something far more.”

  Duncan gave her fingers a gentle squeeze then took his hand away from her and a cold void consumed her flesh.

  “Come, Kate. Time is almost gone. We must get the crown and return to Lochmore yet today. I do na trust Bolton. He still has na crawled back to England.”

  Duncan nudged his horse forward and Katherine’s mare followed. Ian rode on her other side and Angus and Malcolm and the other Ferguson warriors behind.

  “Is Bolton close?” Ian asked after giving orders for his clansmen to ride ahead and tell his wife her sister was safe.

  “Aye. He sent a messenger yesterday demanding that I give him the crown and his betrothed.”

  Ian turned to face Duncan and Katherine caught the look on his face. “He does na know you have married Katherine?”

  “Nay. He thinks I took her hostage.”

  Ian said no more, but Katherine knew his thoughts. They were the same as Duncan’s. The same as her own. If Bolton found out Duncan had taken her as his wife, his English warriors would rain down on them and show no mercy. Duncan had ruined the woman betrothed to him, the woman who would gain him influence with the king. Bolton would want revenge.

  “Is the crown at Kilgern, Kate?” Duncan’s voice echoed harsh in the chilled winter air.

  Katherine swallowed past the lump in her throat then nodded. “Yes.”

  “I will give you time to see your sister, then we will get the crown and return to Lochmore.”

  Katherine shot Duncan a questioning glance. This was all moving so fast. How could she protect the crown if he went with her? If he was there when she…

  “I will na take the crown from you. I gave my word.”

  It was almost as if he had read her thoughts. Almost as if he knew her fears as well as she did. Almost as if he realized keeping the crown was all that was important to her. As if he didn’t have to push her. Yet.

  She turned her gaze forward and tightened her grip on the reins as they neared Kilgern Castle. They rode across the drawbridge in silence and before they reached the steps leading into the keep, the door opened and Elizabeth ran out. She paused for only a second, then raced down the stairs to greet her sister.

  Katherine dismounted and ran into her sister’s arms before Duncan had time to reach her side.

  “Are you all right, Katherine? What has happened that you were riding here without an escort? Why did you leave your laird’s side when you knew Bolton could be out there waiting for you?”

  “Oh, Elizabeth. I’ve missed you. You don’t know how much I have missed your needless worrying and your many questions. It’s good to see you.” Katherine pulled her sister into her arms again and hugged her tight. She really had missed her. She’d missed being needed. She’d missed feeling wanted.

  Duncan didn’t need her. He needed nothing except the crown. He didn’t want her. He wanted what she could not give him. And yet she loved him. She loved him more than life itself, and would sacrifice anything for him. Anything except her soul and the crown.

  Elizabeth grabbed Katherine’s arm and moved with her toward the keep. “Come inside, Duncan,” she said over her shoulders. “You and your men must be tired and hungry. There is food prepared for all. We will eat while we talk.”

  Duncan followed them into the keep. “We do na have much time, milady. Kate and I return return shortly.”

  “And I will go with them, Elizabeth,” Ian said.

  Elizabeth stopped and faced her husband. “Then I will go with you.”

  “Nay, wife. You will stay here where I know you will be safe.”

  “You have already left me alone enough to last a lifetime, Ian. I swore when you came back I would never let you leave without me again. You can say nothing to change my mind.”

  “The English—”

  “It will do you no good to argue, Ian,” Elizabeth said, walking ahead of him into the great hall. “If you leave here, I will only follow. English or no.”

  Ian laughed, took two large steps to catch up with her and put his arm around his wife’s shoulder. “I guess you will be just as safe at my side as you will be alone.”

  “I will be safer, as well you know.”

  Elizabeth showed Katherine and Duncan to seats at the long trestle tables. Servants brought huge trenchers of roasted meats and breads and cheeses, and set them before them. Katherine put very little on her dish, and twice she caught Duncan staring at her untouched food, then pushing the platter closer to her as a hint that she eat.

  “You are as pale as that white gown your sister wears, Kate. We have a long ride back yet today and if you do na eat you will be ill.”

  “Eat, milady,” Angus said from across the table. “It’s important that you do na go without food. You know you must have your nourishment.”

  Katherine dropped the hand that hugged her stomach and lifted her head to met her friend’s warm gaze. He had come to know her too well.

  “When we return to Lochmore, I will fix you a potion to help settle you,” Angus said and gave her a nod that said he knew what she had told no one.

  Katherine picked up a piece of warm bread and put it into her mouth. She would eat. It was important that she have nourishment and Angus knew why.

  …

  Duncan watched his wife pick at her food and was thankful Angus’ words had affected her. The old man had a special way with Kate, and Duncan was glad she had listened to him. She needed to eat. From the pale look on her face she also needed to rest but they couldn’t spare the time. Bolton could be waging war on Lochmore even now.

  “It’s time, Kate. We must get the crown and go, or we will na reach home before nightfall.”

  Her fist clenched in her lap and the stark look in her eyes worried him. He wanted to hold her, but he could not weaken. Too much was at stake. His wife’s safety. His father’s reputation. Scotland’s honor.

  Ian took Elizabeth’s hand and helped her from the table. “We’ll be ready when you are, Duncan. I would first like to bid farewell to my son.”

  “We will na be long, Ian.”

  Ian and Elizabeth left the great hall together and Duncan stood to urge Kate to do the same. Angus and Malcolm and the rest of the warriors had already finished and were readying their horses for the ride back.

  “Come, Kate.” Duncan held out his hand to her.

  Kate stood without his help, her shoulders high and her back straight. She walked the length of the great hall and turned toward the stairs. Duncan could see the muscles tighten in her body with each determined footstep she took, and when she reached the arched doorway, she climbed the steps that would take them to the second level.

  Duncan thought she would stop at the room that had been hers when she had pretended to be her sister but she walked on until she reached the open chapel door. Her steps faltered and when she stumbled, he reached out for her. She put out her hand and braced herself against the wall, ignoring his touch, then walked into the small room and headed for the kneeling bench before the altar.

  “Kate, we do na have much time for prayer. We have to start back soon.”

  “We will, Duncan. Kneel with me this last time.”

  “Do na say this last time, Kate. Nothing we do now is for the last time and I will na have you think it. Somehow we will work this out between us. Somehow we will find a way.”

  Katherine lowered herself to the floor and folded her hands. Duncan went to his knees beside her. For a few silent moments, he felt the peace that usually entered his heart when he came to pray. Kate’s quiet words shattered that peace.

  “Will you stand back and let me give the crown to England? That is the only way we can work this out between us. I took a sacred vow. A vow I cannot break.”

  Duncan said nothi
ng, he only stared up at the magnificent statue of the Shepherd holding out his arms, blessing his sheep. Didn’t she know the crown itself meant nothing to him? That it was his father’s tarnished name that was at stake? That keeping the crown for Scotland would atone for the life his father had sacrificed to protect it?

  “Was your father much like you, Duncan?”

  Duncan thought to answer nay, then stopped. “Aye. He was much like me. Only his will to do what was right was stronger and his compassion for Scotland and all that is hers greater.”

  Duncan heard her sigh. “He must have been a very great man. Were you ever a disappointment to him?”

  “Nay. I was never a disappointment. My father was not ashamed to show his love. I was only a disappointment to myself when I was na here to save him from Bolton’s sword.”

  Duncan clenched his hands until his knuckles turned white. He stole a glance at Kate’s still figure kneeling against the railing. “Were you ever a disappointment to your father, Kate?”

  “From the moment of my birth. I was to be the son he never had and no matter how I tried, I could never do enough to make him proud of me.”

  “That does na mean he did na love you.”

  “No. He just did not want me. I was not manageable and obedient like Elizabeth.”

  “And he did na like the independence you inherited from him?”

  “No. He did not like it.”

  Katherine bowed her head and closed her eyes. Duncan fought the urge to hold her. He could not imagine ever feeling that his father didn’t want him. Her voice interrupted his thoughts.

  “It will not be long before my father comes for me. He’s one of the king’s closest advisors and is a very powerful man.”

  “We are nay in England, Kate. Here in Scotland your father holds na power at all.”

  “You will not say that after you’ve met him.”

  Duncan turned to look at her. Katherine’s lifted gaze focused on the statue. The expression in her eyes reflected her faith, and also her apprehension. There was nothing Duncan could do to alleviate her fears.

  No matter what he said, she didn’t trust him any more than she trusted her father. She thought her father didn’t want her, but only wanted a son. She thought her husband didn’t want her, but only wanted the crown. Not all was true, but the part that was threatened to destroy what Kate and he shared.